The sister’s are a bit obsessed with all things French right now due to their love of the TV show “Versailles”. So, here’s a quote from none other than Napoleon Bonaparte:
“In victory, you deserve Champagne, in defeat, you need it.” — Napoleon Bonaparte
Hopefully, you will not have to worry about victory or defeat tonight but only where the hell your next glass of champagne is coming from. Happy New Year! to our family and friends – we feel certain 2017 is destined to be a tremendous year for all of us because we made it through the election of 2016.
Well ,well, well – you may recall the following from a few days ago:
“Finally, by Friday the damn thing hurt so bad I caved in and let her do it. It took me three times before I could hold my hand still long enough for her to hit me. She did add her own sound effects – something that was wholly unnecessary. Her, “Thwack” was redundant compared to the actual noise of that book smashing my thumb.”
It turns out – Amy’s thumb is tremendously better! It doesn’t hurt as much and hardly at all AND it looks much better. The next time I want to hit one of you with a large book you should just say “Yes, Ava, do hit me with a book.”
The DOCTOR is in!
This week was bitter-sweet. The week flew by because Amy had plans to be out on Friday to go camping and Ava dreaded being left alone for the entire day with the crazies they work with. So, as the theory of relativity proves, time progressed at breakneck speed. Here’s the stuff that Ava pondered being totally alone on Friday.
1. Not going camping. Few things are more glorious than NOT going camping. Someone challenged us to come up with a short list of things that are worse than camping. Seriously, the Sisters were hard pressed but they gave it the old college try. In no particular order: getting a flu shot, getting a mammogram, giving birth. Okay, those are all medically related, we guess that tells you something about our dislike of camping.
2. Bugs in your food. Ava cannot vouch for this first hand but Amy and their Phd Super Smart Friend L both insist that while camping, bugs get in your food – AND you accidentally eat them. WTF?! Ava wondered how Amy didn’t lose weight on these outdoor weekends. Ava is certain she’d starve first instead having that accident. Phd SSFL posited that the bugs were protein – maybe she’s not so smart after all. Ava called her nuts and vowed for the 985,021 time that she would never camp in this life time or any other.
3. House payments. The Sisters cannot understand the need to go outside to sleep. They have both worked long and hard to buy a home. That roof over their heads is a particular joy to them. It’s such a happy part of their life they want to sleep under it 365 days a year. Unless they’re in a nice hotel and then they’re okay sleeping away from home.
4. Sun burn/sun. Go ahead, stop reading now and look at the photo of Amy right over there to the left. What sadistic family would make that poor pale woman go out in the sun? There is no Ava photo but, being sisters, please imagine her looking exactly the same. Last July, they were both shocked to be sunburned in the middle of NYC even though they stayed on the shady side of the street and were out there for 15 minutes. Camping? No thanks.
5. Big foot riding the Loch Ness Monster in the lake. Amy left for the wilds of southern AZ and Ava only agreed to it and released her ankles because they’ve been watching Finding Bigfoot. If anyone is going to find Bigfoot it’s going to be the Sisters. Here’s why – if Bigfoot is real, there must be baby Big Foots. Right? We know you just pictured a tiny furry Big Foot in your head. How cute was that?! That’s the Big Foot the Sisters will find and raise as their very own. Don’t laugh, we’re going to say he’s just extra hairy and it’s not polite to stare.
Dearest Amy’s Husband,
It is with great sadness (not mine) we inform you of the news that Amy will not be going camping. She has been rude and hostile at work, lo these past few days, and I, for one (there are many others), feel that such churlish behavior should not be rewarded with the gloriousness, nay the sheer delight, of a camping trip. Perhaps, next time, if her actions warrant a reward (doubtful) she well be granted permission to camp and join the hunt for Big Foot.
Amy’s Fellow Office Prisoners
This past weekend, I got a new washer and dryer.
My old washer and dryer were more than twelve years old and had traveled from Pennsylvania to Arizona. When I got them, they were state of the art, front loading, high capacity, etc. I liked them and they liked me. I do all of the laundry at my house because I take it very seriously. I have clothes that are over twenty years old.
The new washer and dryer each require an owner’s manual a half inch thick. They have on-board computers and memories. According to the instructions, there are sixteen gazillion combinations of settings to select from so that each load is washed perfectly and to your own exact standards. This makes sense to those of us who are laundry aficionados.
But here’s something that doesn’t make sense – none at all: they each keep a DIARY of the last ten loads. You read that right – a DIARY. Like a fifteen year old girl. And get this, I can sync them up to my smart phone. I can call them up on my phone and read the diary. Why on god’s green earth would anyone need to do that? When have you ever in your life thought, “Hmmmmm, I wonder what settings I used on that load last Saturday?”
These are appliances, not new friends. I’m not looking for friends, just clean clothes. Now that I’m going to have to read their diaries, I feel like I have to name them. Amy suggests Lucy and Ethel. I’m going with that because OMG who has time to have a relationship with their washer and dryer???? If you ever come visit, Lucy is the dryer and Ethel is the washer. And because I don’t have enough being asked of me in my life – the washer will text me when it would like its gasket cleaned. I’d like to text someone too when I need my gasket cleaned . . .
Truthfully, I don’t know what I’m getting so excited about. The boy who lives at my house looked the text books over and said you can’t contact them when they’re busy. Seriously? That sounds a lot like the children who live at my house. I just hope they actually do laundry unlike the children who live here.
You might be aware, or you might not, it’s robot season. Robot season starts at the beginning of January and goes through April-ish. The worst part of robot season is from January to mid-February. That’s when the robot actually gets built. During that time, Ava all but lives alone. The rest of the family is out until all hours building the robot.
So, it’s her and the three cats. Ava has never lived alone and she doesn’t like it. Not at all. The purrballs do not like it either because she focuses all of her attention on them. It’s not unheard for them to call up Amy and ask to go live at her house until build season is over.
While Ava is left to her own devices at home, she writes. Her latest unfinished novel needed to have a very critical fact researched. She needed to know what was the least amount of inches a window could be open for a one-year-old lioness to climb out of.
In typical Ava fashion, she rounded up one of her kitties and attempted to measure his head after having read that would be the part that would have to get through – the rest of the cat is fairly squishable.
Milo – the kitty she captured first because he’s a little on the chubby side – was not at all excited to have his head measured. He gave her the “Are you an idiot?” look. After a brief struggle, the measurement was taken. Next, Ava spent some time rigging up a two shelf contraption for him to try to crawl through. She explained to him this was to simulate an open window. He
gave her the “What the F is wrong with you? Someone could get hurt. You’re not in construction like dad” look. She made him do it anyway, explaining that everyone in the family had to do their share – after all, he did want to continue to be housed and fed, didn’t he?
Well, the head measurement thing worked – he made it through a three-inch opening several times before he called the authorities. Based on a top secret mathematical formula – we now know that a one year old lioness should be able to escape through a window open about ten inches.
Just to be on the safe side – Ava and Amy have decided to contact Kevin Richardson AKA The Lion Whisperer and see what he thinks. We’ll let you know if we’re right.
Who is that for? Either you can afford and would be willing to buy said item or you’re not. Who are they fooling? If you see a Piaget ring in a magazine covered in diamonds and sapphires with a hidden chamber containing even more diamonds it doesn’t matter if they print the price instead of the ridiculous “price upon request”. You can’t afford it no matter what price they put next to it – it’s covered in diamonds and sapphires for criminy sake.
Perhaps they think if you request the price they have a shot at talking you into it? (read the following with a french accent) “Oh – you need the price of the 1lb of diamond encrusted ring in Vogue this month? It starts at 75K. What address can we send it to? Once it arrives you’ll have to pay for it – sell a kidney if you have to, after all, you called to ask the price and now it’s all yours.”
When they tell you the price, should you argue with them? Well, if it had been 74K you would have had yourself a deal right there but 75K is beyond my means. I’m sorry to have wasted your time. I have an idea – print the god damn price
next time so I don’t have to call you.
Half the fun of looking at these items is knowing you aren’t ever going to own any of it. Instead you can have fun day dreaming over them. As soon as the Sisters save up 250K they are totally going on that “Galaxy Quest” in Marie Claire this month. The absolutely absurd part of this item is that it’s in the Neiman Marcus Christmas CATALOG – with prices and such because it’s a CATALOG. Note to Marie Claire – if the item is in an easily accessible catalog just climb right out there on a limb and print the price. Thank the lords we went on line and looked so we know how much to pull together.
They even put it next to stuff that isn’t crazy expensive like a pair of shoes. This is true – they put it next to a pair of Prada pumps that only cost $1000.00. I know, I know – we’re not going to spend a thousand dollars on a pair of shoes because one of us is married to Ed but let’s say they were the most beautiful shoes you’d ever seen and you had to have them. You might actually save up and buy them. But – when they put that stupid “price upon request” next to them you’re imagination goes wild. You think – holy batman! Those shoes must be thousands and thousands of dollars or they’d share the god damn price with you.
So here’s a thought to all of the magazine editors in the world – print the price. We’ll decide if we’re buying or not.
I have admitted here before to having some slight OCD tendencies. I’m also a perfectionist. At times, those two issues are kind of hard to deal with together. For example, take baking cookies and cupcakes. A normal person thinks – What fun! I’ll even get the kids who live at my house to help! I never think that. I think about making them perfect. Of course, they never turn out perfect. They’re baked goods for goodness sake and I don’t work in a bakery and don’t get a lot of practice. That undeniable fact never stops me from trying to make them perfect.
I spent most nights last week making cookies and cupcakes for Amy’s Halloween party. Amy and the other guests don’t expect perfection, they just want yummy treats. But that still doesn’t preclude me from overworking everything and stressing myself out.
This year I decided to make cupcakes with eyeballs all over the frosting. I saw a picture of this on that evil site Pinterest. Plus, I could use them on the cookies. Win Win! One evening, I patiently made 572 eyeballs. The girl who lives at my house felt this made me a potential serial killer. She believes anyone crazy enough to make that many tiny eyes has deep seated issues. She sat with me as I placed 572 black nonpareils onto 572 white royal frosting dots with a tweezers and keep saying “Yup, I’ll bet there are people buried in our yard.”
I informed her there were no people buried in our yard because if I was a serial killer I’d burn the bodies because I’m from Jersey. That shut her up. For about 5 seconds. “Can I help decorate the cookies?” She didn’t really want to help. It’s a game we play. She pretends she wants to help until I give her the exact instructions of exactly how I want something done. Then she says “You’re nuts.” And she goes to do something else.
Ed shows up minutes later. “Did you just make all of those minuscule eyeballs with tweezers? Are you a serial killer?” HaHaHa Ed.
All of this was worthwhile because at the party, I watched the Bandit eat all off the eyeballs off the top of a cupcake and leave the rest. I love that kid and I’d even let him help me make cookies with no instructions.
It’s been a tough week. Ava was out of town visiting all of the colleges in the northeast that the boy who lives at her house ever thought he’d consider, no matter how remotely he even wanted to go there, or if they even have his potential major or not. Some of the colleges Ava dismissed out of hand based on their mascot. Did you know the Princeton Tigers don’t even have a real tiger? We don’t have time for that kind of tomfoolery. Meanwhile, Amylynn held down the fort at work, all the while hoping Ava would get the Sisters enrolled in any college so they wouldn’t have to do mortgages anymore. While you’re waiting for us to leave you for college – pull up a school desk and study the following:
1. Maryland Crab Cake. No, that’s not a new kind of cake. We mean real crab cakes. With crab. No cake. Ava discovered the best crab cakes in the world at an amazing crab cake stand in Baltimore called Faidley’s. Ava is usually suspicious of crab cakes unless she made them. People will put all sorts of things in crab cakes that don’t belong in there but these crab cakes were perfect! They contained crab and spices, no peppers, onions, bread crumbs. Nothing but sweet crab.
2. The Museum of Visionary Art. WOW. All of the art in this museum is non-standard. You won’t find any of it in your average run-of-the-mill Metropolitan Museum of Art. There is art made solely from the threads of socks embroideried into tiny 2 inch by 2 inch incredible works of art by a man who was in prison for years. There are two floor length crocheted capes in orange and black granny squares by an autistic woman who was a knitting savant. The entire Bright family sat in the pie hole of god for a performance of light raining down from the roof of its mouth. Go see this museum for yourself, you won’t be sorry.
3. Yale Campus. Ava wasn’t sold on Yale for the boy who lives at her house. She thought it might be over hyped because, well, it’s Yale. She was wrong. The campus of Yale is like no college she’d ever been to. The entire school is magical. The library was actually designed to be a cathedral. Aside from the outstanding learning opportunity it represents, the students live in castles. We swear that’s true. They get a Yale education and they live in castles! Sign Ava and Amy up – forget the boy – they’re in!
4. NYC Elevators. Those of you who know us know Ava is not a fan of elevators. However, she did find something worse – the stairs at the Cooper Union college. The building has 9 stories. Along the corners are stairwells made of metal mesh. Apparently, Cooper Union architects thought that would be cool. So, you’re on the eigtht floor and you and your fear of heights look down and almost pass out because you feel like you’re falling eight stories. Ava’s not sure which is worse, falling to her death or dying in an elevator accident.
5. Rules to live by. Forget that “Everything you needed to know you learned in kindergarten” BS. The combined Bright families are going to save a fortune on college because the NYC subway has their education covered for $2.75. They have a campaign called Courtesy Counts. But it doesn’t just count in the subway, it covers all of life. Take for instance “Keep your stuff to yourself”. If everyone would just learn this one simple rule think how easy life would be for the rest of us. We don’t need to know all of your drama. We really don’t. And Ava’s personal favorite – “Poles are for safety, not your latest routine”. Hold the pole, not our attention. A subway car is no place for show time. Right?! How many times have you wanted to tell someone else to get off the pole? That’s something you can’t learn in college.
(Spoiler Alert: Columbia’s mascot is a lion. Yep, you guessed it. They don’t have a lion there so don’t bother to ask.)
As you all know, the Sisters work together toiling away at a mortgage company. They have slightly different positions but today they were supposed to do the same thing. It was supposed to be a fun thing – but it never is. Once a year, the realtors in town have an Expo for continuing education classes. Part of the Expo includes a vendor area. So, being in mortgage, the Sisters are expected to attend this annual event. That wouldn’t be so bad except each year a “theme” is selected and all of the vendors have to show their spirit by decorating their booth and themselves to match.
This year’s theme was baseball or something to do with baseball – the Sisters hardly paid any attention. Well, they should have. (Amy here – actually the theme was movies. I paid attention because I was forced to). The next thing you know, they’re being asked to purchase WHITE skirts. WE saw you shudder – don’t pretend you didn’t. The only people who should be wearing white skirts are tennis players and golfers, and frankly, some of them shouldn’t do it either.
Amy again: I did most of the shopping for the white skirt while drunk. Actually that’s a lie. I only wish I was drunk. Mostly I cried by myself in dressing rooms. It was ugly. Amazingly enough I wasn’t alone, crying in the JC Penney dressing room. Isn’t that a sad, sad commentary?
The rest of the outfit consisted of a GREEN baseball shirt emblazoned with the company logo, green socks, a white and green baseball hat, a green belt, and VOILA! A League of Their Own! It was as dreadful as it sounds. Now, some people insisted it was “cute” but you know this was said by the folks who didn’t have to wear said get-up.
Turns out, Ava had a lot of fun this year. Fun making fun of Amy that is. Ava’s manager told her she couldn’t go because there was too much work to do in the office. Ava did not put up a fight.
Upon arriving at the office this morning, she found Amy in the parking lot looking simply darling in her “baseball” uniform. She immediately went to take a picture for this blog but Amy said some very bad words and threatened Ava’s life.
Luckily, a baseball bat was not a part of the costume!