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Ava

Hey Sister, Sister

As you all know, the Sisters work together toiling away at a mortgage company. They have slightly different positions but today they were supposed to do the same thing. It was supposed to be a fun thing – but it never is. Once a year, the realtors in town have an Expo for continuing education classes. Part of the Expo includes a vendor area. So, being in mortgage, the Sisters are expected to attend this annual event. That wouldn’t be so bad except each year a “theme” is selected and all of the vendors have to show their spirit by decorating their booth and themselves to match.

This year’s theme was baseball or something to do with baseball – the Sisters hardly paid any attention. Well, they should have. (Amy here – actually the theme was movies. I paid attention because I was forced to). The next thing you know, they’re being asked to purchase WHITE skirts.  WE saw you shudder – don’t pretend you didn’t. The only people who should be wearing white skirts are tennis players and golfers, and frankly, some of them shouldn’t do it either.

Amy looked much like Audrey did in this sporting ensemble.

Amy looked much like Audrey did in this sporting ensemble.

Amy again: I did most of the shopping for the white skirt while drunk. Actually that’s a lie. I only wish I was drunk. Mostly I cried by myself in dressing rooms. It was ugly. Amazingly enough I wasn’t alone, crying in the JC Penney dressing room. Isn’t that a sad, sad commentary?

The rest of the outfit consisted of a GREEN baseball shirt emblazoned with the company logo, green socks, a white and green baseball hat, a green belt, and VOILA! A League of Their Own! It was as dreadful as it sounds.  Now, some people insisted it was “cute” but you know this was said by the folks who didn’t have to wear said get-up.

Turns out, Ava had a lot of fun this year. Fun making fun of Amy that is. Ava’s manager told her she couldn’t go because there was too much work to do in the office. Ava did not put up a fight.

Upon arriving at the office this morning, she found Amy in the parking lot looking simply darling in her “baseball” uniform. She immediately went to take a picture for this blog but Amy said some very bad words and threatened Ava’s life.

Luckily, a baseball bat was not a part of the costume!

 

With age comes wisdom – or maybe not

Ed left on a long business trip today. Whenever he has to do that, he gives Ava cash.  Ava is supposed to use only the cash given to her and not credit cards. (Don’t worry people, the Brights are not up to their eyeballs in debt – Ed doesn’t allow that.)

“Spend it wisely,” says Ed.

Ava reports this bit of “advice” to Amy.  Amy thinks it wasn’t meant as advice per se but more along the lines of INSTRUCTIONS. As in, don’t spend it all today on cupcakes and shoes. She thinks he meant it’s supposed to last the entire 10 days he’ll be away.

“What?!” Ava exclaims, horrified.  “There’s not enough cash to get a frugal person through to Saturday!”

Anyway – here’s what the Sisters would spend the money on if Ava wouldn’t get into trouble over it.

Not like it's the first time the Sisters had permission to add one furry family member and came home with two.

Not like it’s the first time the Sisters had permission to add one furry family member and came home with two.

Two tickets to the movie Legend, with all the movie stuff like $30 dollars worth of snacks AND Tom Hardy to watch it with them.

One small Dogo Argentino puppy.

Egg rolls flown in from NYC.

The most glorious shoes we can find.

A quick trip to Disneyland.

Sparkly collars for all our fuzzy children.

Those cupcakes mentioned above.

A whole bunch of lattes and books.

A truck load of glitter – because why not? I mean if we want to spend it frivolously, we should go whole hog.

Speaking of hogs, how about a cute little pig? How about THIS little pig? Any amount of money – honestly.

 

 

 

Free Bird

Ahhhhhhhh, sweet, sweet freedom. Webster defines “Freedom” thus: Foolishly spending 8+ months with a lunatic and leaving him behind without so much as a discussion (Okay, maybe that’s not the real definition, but it should be).

Run FREE!!!!!

Run FREE!!!!!

That’s what happened to Ava during the past two weeks or so.

Ever have a terrible boss and long to save yourself? And we don’t just mean fantasizing about telling said a-hole exactly what you think of him and throwing your resignation in his face while an orchestra plays an appropriate job quitting piece in the background, but really saving yourself by complaining to the right person and being moved to a better position. That’s what we mean. We know, that’s  a rare occurrence so Ava spent the day trying not to laugh like a crazy person and dancing the happy dance of joy as she goes to her new office tomorrow.

Next up – saving Amy and then quitting the day job all together and writing full-time. Ahhhhhhh, elusive freedom, we’ll catch you yet!

~~Amylynn here. Imagine my despair. It doesn’t matter that she’s only going to be down the hall. She’s abandoned me to hellish misery. Woe, oh woe, is me.

 

 

 

 

Logan’s Run

The Great Outdoors. There’s a sentence you never hear the Sisters using. Unless we’re using it to get the kids to go outside and leave us in peace. Then we make it out like the outdoors are GREAT! “GREAT!” We shout. Go out there and see for yourself!

Tonight, I settled into my Barcalounger with a nice cup of tea and my September fashion magazines (I’m sure you all know that September is THE month for fashion mags – I believe the September issue of Vogue weighs in at 8 lbs this year.) and prepared to happily devour them while watching television. I can’t just read – I have to read and watch TV – I can’t explain that. Anyhoo, I look up and there on the screen are people OUTSIDE. And not in a garden or backyard like on HGTV but OUTSIDE.

Ahhhhh - the Great Indoors

Ahhhhh – the Great Indoors

“What the hell is this travesty?” I say.  I want to mention here that Ed and the girl who lives at my house are crazy, just so you know.

One of the lunatics says and I swear this is true “It’s a new channel called Outside.”

I know, you have questions. I did, too.

“What does that mean?” I ask.

*eyeroll* “It’s about people who go outside and do things. You won’t know any of them.”

“You’re damn right I won’t know any of them. All of my friends work hard so they can keep a house roof over their heads. They’re not OUT there pretending they’re homeless for a camera crew.”

“Be quiet or we won’t let you stay and watch the next show.”

Seriously? What part of this conversation made the girl think I wanted to watch any show on the OUTSIDE channel?

“The next show features all of the new fall fashions for camping, hiking, and such.”

What the hell is that?

What the hell is that?

And she wasn’t kidding – it was sponsored by Vogue. I’m still never going outside for more time then it takes to get to the car but I happily watched the next hour while I read my magazines.

I even ordered a nice blanket you’re supposed to use camping but I’m going to use it on my chair – it’s the perfect shade of red.

For some reason Ed was annoyed. He mumbled something about my super power of being able to shop at any time and anywhere. It’s not my fault it’s fall fashion time and let me remind everyone – I did not select the TV show we watched now did I?

 

That’s right

Today is International Left Handers Day.  Which means it started in America but being American we put “International” anywhere we want to put it.  Anyway, I’m left handed so people spent the day telling me all of the left handed facts they looked up because they wanted to be funny.

Left handed people are more likely to become alcoholics. That’s true but no one ever tells you why.  So let me – we are more likely to become alcoholics so we don’t have to pay attention to you rightys telling us stupid sh*t on International Left Handers Day.

Left handed people are more likely to be schizophrenics. Of course we’re schizophrenic. We live in a world trying to use sharp objects clearly not meant for us. We don’t understand how to read street markings because they’re BACKWARDS. We use both

remember these torture devices?

remember these torture devices?

hands because we have to do so in order to survive. And by the way, which hand should we wear our watches on? Who knows?! We don’t. All of this makes us, well, schizophrenic.

Left handed people are more easily frightened than right handed folks.  Of course we are. You’d be more easily frightened too if you were dropped into an alien world not built for you. How the hell are we supposed to use a measuring cup for goodness sake when the markings are on the wrong side.  We drive on the wrong side of the road! Forget about using a pencil sharpener. See? Frightening.

After spending the day defending “my kind”, I will leave you with one solid fact – left handed people make more money than right handed people.  It’s true. Go ahead and look it up. Oh sure, we die nine years earlier than everyone else so we don’t have as much time to spend those extra dollars but while we’re here we’re going to buy all the left handed scissors we can get our hands on and become President of the United States or as we call it here in America –  “International President of the United States.”

 

 

It’s not our floor and we’re not using it

As previously reported, Ava is redoing the tile floors and a bathroom in her house.  Everything necessary has been delivered to the house and work was started last week.  This necessitated the entire family move to Ava’s mother-in-law’s house.

Ava does not like staying at other people’s houses if she is not on vacation. It’s way too difficult to get ready for work when you’re not in your own home.  It’s way too difficult to know exactly what outfits and shoes you’ll need any earlier than the morning you’re wearing them. It really is. Ava also does not sleep in other adult’s beds. It’s weird, she knows but she doesn’t. Not even if the sheets and blankets have been sterilized. So she slept in the guest room and made the Bright children sleep on the sofas.

The Bright children were not happy because their grandmother has what can barely be called cable and no internet.  Yes, you read that right . . . no internet.  This would be because she does not own a computer. The Bright kitties were not happy because it was not their house and they only like being at their house. Apparently, they don’t know what to wear in the morning either unless they’re at home.  They did, however, enjoy touching everything in the house and eating the plants.

The mother-in-law was not happy because the kitties touched everything in her house and ate her plants.  She is also not used to teenagers staying up all night watching movies and sleeping on her sofas all morning.

The whole event came to a crashing end when Ava insisted she was going home no matter what was left undone. All the Bright’s are home now, sleeping in their own beds including the kitties who refuse to walk on the new floor but that’s a whole other blog.

30 Pieces of Silver

The Ava Bright family has lived in their current home for over ten years.  Which is a record. Ava has made it habit to drag Ed from state to state, sometimes on a whim. Other than their childhood homes, they have never lived in one house for so long.

Unfortunately, Ava’s been stuck in the desert for so long because being the “world’s okay-est mom” means she won’t tilemove her teenagers from their school and friends. The problem with living in one house for so long is things start to fall apart and need updating (just like humans).

Ava and Ed have been arguing about the tile in their house for several years now. Per Ava, the color is from the aughts and the size is too small. Per Ed, ripping it up will make a hell of a mess that they won’t soon recover from and Ava needs to accept it.

So, they are removing the ugly tile and putting in new.  Woohoo! Just so you know, Ava shops for tile the way she shops for handbags. She knows exactly what she wants and will search until she finds it.  When Amy heard the hunt for tile was on, she broke the air-conditioning in Dave (I know that’s what happened, Amy.) so she wouldn’t have to become involved. She texted Ed, “Godspeed”.

Poor Ed spent two solid days going to every tile store in town. Exactly thirty samples were found and brought home for viewing. Only one tile was deemed acceptable – ONE.  Unfortunately, it turned out to be the most expensive of the lot (this was truly an accident), and Ed doesn’t like to buy the most expensive of anything. Ava agreed it was more than they wanted to spend and they could keep looking. After all, the largest city in the state is only two hours away and surely there’ll be great tile there. Miraculously, Ed found it in his heart and wallet to make Ava happy and buy the tile.

Note to self – 1. Wear Ed down by going to as many stores as possible in the summer heat in the desert. 2. Never tell Amy again if she’s part of a hunt for something, let her figure it out after a few stops because then she can’t really refuse to help because she already is and that’s what sisters do.

 

 

 

And . . . here’s another place I’m not allowed in again per Amy

Disclaimer: I have no idea why Amy thinks anyone will be interested in this, but here it is and I’m supposed to tell you it’s true.

I had to have some blood drawn this morning. As you faithful readers know, I don’t care to be involved in anything medical or medically related.

I was a very sickly child. I was so sickly, I missed more than half of my kindergarten year and used to get a vitamin shot every Friday after school.  Just imagine, being a little kid and knowing once a week you’re going to get a shot.  And no, the shots didn’t help.

These are only $4.49 for 9. I got us all some!

So, as an adult, I am rarely sick. As in – almost never.  The last time I was sick was over four years ago. I caught a cold in Turkey that wouldn’t go away and Amy made me go to the doctor because she thought I had pneumonia but I didn’t. I read the x-rays myself. Turkey is dead to me now.

Anyway, when I go to a medical facility I bring a plastic bag to sit on, and I don’t take any deep breaths, and I don’t touch anything in the place. When I signed in this morning I rubbed hand sanitizer all over their pen. Right next to the sign-in sheet was a box of face masks. Medical grade. I heard angels sing. I immediately put one on and sat on my plastic bag.

I texted Amy that I was the only person in the place wearing one and that everyone else would probably be dead by noon. Not only were they not wearing the mask, they were reading the magazines. How dumb are people? Those magazines have been touched by the walking dead. No one, and I mean no one, needs to read a copy of Golf Digest at home and you certainly don’t need to read one when it means your life might be in danger.

An older man got up from where he was sitting to sit next me. Before I could find out what disease he had and make him move, he asked in an English accent why I was sitting on a “rubbish” bag. I explained it to him from behind my mask and suggested he put down Golf Dysentery and go get a mask. Wisely, he did. Next a policeman arrived, he signed in, took a look at me and the English guy and put on his own face mask and sat next to us.

Things went down hill from there. I was called for my appointment and followed the worker through a door. On the door was a sign which read “Close the door behind you”. I would have had to pull the door closed by TOUCHING it. The nurse said “Close the door.” Boy was she annoyed when I refused. SICK people have touched that door! Why would she think a woman wearing a face mask and inciting a “face mask riot” in the waiting room would touch a germ infested door? What the hell is wrong with the world today? She closed it herself. She was wearing gloves.

When we got to the exam room, I made her change the gloves. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, because all of our readers are brilliant, but I had to tell her she wasn’t touching me with the gloves she used to touch the door touched by sick people.

When it was time to go I made her give me a glove so I could get out alive. She hesitated until I mentioned I’d have to spend the day with her if I couldn’t get out. She gave me a glove.

If you made it this far, I owe you a payoff so here’s some of the best advice you’ll ever get from anyone for the rest of your life: Stay out of medical offices and if you have to go, sit on plastic, don’t touch anything, and don’t breathe while you’re in there – maybe you’ll make it out alive.

Good day.

 

May 15

5-things12Today, Amy was asked to go to a clients office and pick up some paperwork so said client wouldn’t have to fax a bazillian pages over. Ava knew exactly which client it was and said, “You’re not going.” Said client is an infectious disease doctor. INFECTIOUS. The name says it all. What fool would go over there and risk an infectious disease for some paperwork? That fool would be Amy. An argument ensued. Amy won but not without promising to, “not touch a god damn thing over there, refuse to shake anyone’s hand, and don’t look anyone in the pink eye.” When she returned, Ava doused her in hand sanitizer which amused the hell out of their co-workers. While Amy’s in eyeglassesquarantine, you be amused by the following:

1. Dr. Zucker. The world’s best eye doctor lives right here in the desert. He’s left handed just like Ava and the boy who lives at her house and he’s smart and funny. You will never be so well entertained by any doctor ever after you meet him. He does have one flaw – he’s in his fifties and he has a 17 month old and a 3 month old. No, not puppies. Babies. Ava keeps asking him if he’s nuts. She keeps pointing to the boy and saying, “This

Yeah, that looks exactly like Phil. Shoot it.

Yeah, that looks exactly like Phil. Shoot it.

is what they turn into. Are you nuts?” Nuts he might be, but he’s still the best eye doctor ever.  Go over to Accent on Vision if you can and become a patient.  Instead of retiring to Miami he’s going to need to send those babies to college.

2. Turkey sandwiches are good, but really? We don’t know what is going on lately, but you couldn’t pay us any amount of money to go turkey hunting. We counted exactly three incidents in the last several weeks of one person mistaking another for a turkey and shooting the first one. In one of the incidents – this one in Maine – a wife shot her husband – in the face! The police man who reported to the scene was reported as saying, “We don’t really know for sure what she was shooting at. Obviously, she didn’t want to shoot her husband.” We don’t think that’s obvious at all! You don’t know what the hell was going on it that car on the way out there. In fact, she mightChickfilA-ChicknMinis have even said, “When we get there, I’m shooting you in the face.” The good news is that his injuries were not life threatening. He should consider himself warned.

3. Mmmmm, breakfast. You probably have never considered chicken for breakfast. We certainly hadn’t. But then we were schooled. Behold the Chicken Minis. These yummy bites come from Chick Fil A. It’s a real chicken nugget in between wee fluffy biscuits and spread with honey. We know! And we assure you they taste as glorious as they sound. If you think you’ll just eat one or two, you’re wrong. They’re so yummy you’ll need seven of them. Or bearso. We’re not saying we ate seven of them, but we are saying you shouldn’t feel bad about yourself if you do.

4. Obviously alcohol was involved. The police in Massachusetts are urging their citizens not to get drunk and chase wild bears with a dull hatchet through the woods. Yes, they actually had to say that out loud. That’s disturbing enough when you contemplate that these warnings always come about because someone has already done it. The police arrested a man doing just that. “We’re still trying to figure out what his end game was,” the North Adams police stated. They suggest – and reasonably so – that if you see a bear you should leave it alone. This is excellent advice. And in the best case of police reporting EVER, they ask you to consider the following: “We certainly don’t need anyone going all Davy Crockett chasing it bb-kingthrough the woods drunk with a dull hatchet.” Hmmm. We don’t know. Maybe we do. Anyone who does that probably deserves what they get.

5. BB King. King of the Blues World Wide. The Sisters have seen BB King live many times. We’re big fans and we’re saddened to see the news today of his passing. He’s not been well for a long time. In fact, the last time we saw him he seemed much slower and diminished than he ever had before. Farewell, Mr. King. You were a joy

You don’t know me and what I like

You never will hear the Sisters complaining about a trip to the book store – that’s like going to Disney World for normal folk.  However, there are trips there that are not as fun as others. You’re wondering how that’s possible, right? It’s a book store for Zeus sake. Case in point, a trip to the book store for a book called “Math for Dummies”.

Over at the Ava residence, one of the children that lives there isn’t doing well in math.  I guess you figured that much out on your own. Ava has decided they will learn math together. Ava did not like math the first time around and informed everyone in the household on the first day of kindergarten that all math homework was to be directed at Ed. Ava would handle everything else. This worked for the first child because he thinks math is “fun” and didn’t need Ed anyway. I freely admit right here, in writing, I know something is wrong with a person who thinks math is “fun”.

The girl, on the other hand, not so much. It’s taken everything in Ava not to agree with her and tell her to just do her best and get through it because this is the child who will take that comment to heart and get a “C”. We do not allow “Cs” at the Ava Bright residence. We barely allow “Bs”. Before anyone calls child protective services, know this, the Bright children are BRIGHT – all four of them.  Ridiculously so. Therefore, no “Cs” but I digress.

Ava’s never had an uncomfortable moment in a bookstore until this trip. She stood there perplexed by all of the math books for idiots like herself. She read the first page of one and became nauseous. That required a text to Amy for support and the man behind her to tell her all she needed to do to feel better was turn around because the dog books were right there (they really are).  He must have been the devil (or one the of the girl child’s friends in disguise) trying

What kinda crap is this?

What kinda crap is this?

to break her concentration from buying a math book.  Well, one was selected and taken to the register. Ava was certain this was the worst $25.00 she’d ever spent in her life (Figure it out people – that’s almost 4 romance novels!).

All of this might have been okay if the cashier hadn’t rung her up and along with the receipt handed her another slip which said at the top “Other books you might enjoy”.

WTF?! I’m not going to enjoy this one! Who in their right mind enjoys learning math with a fourteen year old girl for an hour every day. Clearly, the people at Barnes & Noble didn’t think this advertising idea through. What happens if you’re in there buying a book on cancer or a do-it-yourself divorce. The possibilities are endless of books you might need to buy but don’t really want to buy and then they suggest more of the same?

Well, no wonder book stores are constantly flirting with bankruptcy, that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

 

 

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