NEW RELEASES
We’ll never learn our lesson
We’re going to Disneyland this week – the week between Sassy’s and The Bandit’s birthdays. We told the kids there wouldn’t be birthday parties this year because of the expense of the trip. Instead, we’d agreed that the boy could invite a friend to spend the night and we’d take them to see Iron Man 3 since it came out on his birthday.
“A friend” turned into two friends and a nephew. Counting his sister, My Honey and I took five kids to Peter Piper Pizza and the movies.
This is an actual photo of the slumber party. My boy is right there in front.
Really it was more like taking a frat house on a tour of a holy museum.
Eight year old boys are insane. They are teeth gnashing, screaming, amok running lunatics. We let them run wild in the pizza place – it’s not like anyone would notice that they were any more out of control than any other random kid there. We left for the movies early because we knew there’d be a line at the theater even though I had bought the tickets earlier in the day. Only a couple of hours in and My Honey and I were already exhausted. We finally made them sit on the floor in the lobby. I’m sure all the other patrons were happy they weren’t swinging from the light fixtures anymore.
It’s like they feed off the energy of exhausted parents.
They all sat rapt in the movie – as did I. I loved the film. Or maybe I loved Robert Downey, Jr. It’s really hard to separate the two. Either way, my crush is firmly fixed.
We got home and had cake and ice cream.
The party got more and more like a scene from Animal House. There were boys everywhere in their underwear. Boys climbing on furniture. Boys running around the house making gun noises. Confusingly, bean bags were flying around the house. Even the girl was caught up in the action. The most confusing development was that even though chaos reigned, they were the politest bunch of heathens you’ve ever met. When we told them to get off the shed roof, they said, “Yes, ma’am.” When asked not to chase the cat, they responded, “Yes, ma’am.” It was very disconcerting.
At midnight I made them all get in bed and turn out the light. I told them they didn’t have to sleep, but they couldn’t run up and down the hall anymore. Mere minutes later, I was still in the living room writing and heard the tell tale **pop fizz** of a soda can being opened. I found four pajama clad boys sitting in the dark, each poised with Sprite cans to their lips. In my head, I could see the few short years till I catch them with beers.
On Saturday morning I had to work. I’ve never been happier to go to that hell hole in my life.
These are the texts I got from My Honey:
MH – Can I come to work with you? I’m going to kill some kids! Where are they f****** mothers!
ME – They’ll be there soon. Hang tough.
MH – I think they’re in Mexico. I would be.
ME – Hahahahahahahaha (I laugh helpfully mostly because I’m safe at work)
MH – I keep hearing Louie Louie in my head! It’s Delta House over here.
ME – Food fight!!!!!!
MH – One down two to go
ME – It’s getting quieter!
MH – No.
ME – Impossible!
Eventually all the kids left. When I got home, the frat house was mostly cleaned up. My Honey had marginally less hair.
The girl gets to do it in 2 weeks for her birthday. I can hardly wait.
May 3
Summer’s here. We know you people in other parts of the world are furrowing your brows and looking at us in confusion, but here in the desert, we’ve got summer. It’s undeniable. Our state capital already experienced a 100 degree day. The air conditioning is already running and our kids have been swimming at their grandmother’s for several weeks. The Sisters don’t swim. That’s not to say if we fell off a cruise ship that we’d drown. We CAN swim we just don’t because that involves swimming suits and nobody needs to see that. What we do instead is sit under an umbrella with a margarita and read. Onward summer! Here’s some funnies this week.
bored, bored, bored
1. Mary the AutoReader. In the continuing saga of Democrats and Republicans refusing to get along or accomplish absolutely ANYTHING, the Dems of the Florida state legislature have required that all the bills be read a loud. That’s a LOT of reading. Hours and hours of it. So the Floridians bought Mary for $45.00. She sat in a closet, waiting to be necessary for years. Now that she’s out of the closet, so to speak, she’s a busy little “lady”. She can read a page in 45 seconds. It’s funny – and it serves them all right to have to 
sit and listen to that for 8 hours a day. If you’re interested Mary has now got a Twitter account because there are enough people out there just like us who can’t leave things well enough alone.
2. Iron Man 3. We love Robert Downey, Jr. We also love Iron Man. Snarky, egotistical and funny is a heady mix. We can’t wait to see this movie and have been looking forward to it ever since the The Avengers came out. We spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about Bob. He asked us to call him Bob on the
restraining order.
3. Our new look. Wow, oh Wow, do we love our new look. We’re so delighted that it really reflects our personalities. We love the cute little girls in the car above. Ava thought it was funny how Amylynn insisted, INSISTED, that the original cartoon be changed to reflect that Amylynn was driving. She refused to allow the world as a whole to think for even one minute that Ava has ever driven anywhere if there was the possibility that someone else would do it for her. It certainly never would happen on a potential road trip as described in the cartoon. Ava will be wholly in charge of folding that road map we mentioned.
4.8 year-old boys. The Bandit is eight years old today. Honest to Zeus, no one can believe he’s made it this far. The Bandit is the most aptly nicknamed child ever. He can’t seem to stay out of trouble for more than ten minutes at a time unless he’s asleep and even then, usually there are candy wrappers and his father’s flashlight in there with him, too. He’s in after-school detention next week for calling his adorable 2nd grade teacher stupid and 
telling her she sucks. He hides chocolate syrup in the closet and strawberry heads behind the couch. He can eat an entire box of ice cream sandwiches in one day – and has on a number of occasions. He hides people’s electronics and has never voluntarily picked up a toy in his life. But, he’s absurdly funny and charming when he wants to be – like all the best sociopaths. Hopefully he makes it to nine.
5. Jamie the manager. Ava and her husband went to a national restaurant chain for dinner the other night. There was an egregious health issue during dinner, one that Ava wasn’t nearly as concerned about as The Claim Jumper, but they had no idea that Ava is not a litigious person. There was a chunk of glass in her iced tea. She didn’t swallow it. She wasn’t harmed, but the restaurant manager did a really excellent job of customer service. How rare is that? Their dinner and drinks were comped and the manager practically lay prostrate on the floor. Is it bad that we like a little panicky suffering once in a while?
And by I mean grow up….
Out with the first in with the second…
There are only two more days to enter to win Lady Francesca’s Ring.
I mean really, if she’s not going to wear it, you might as well.
Contest ends on Saturday morning, so enter now.
Another exciting thing – Lady Belling’s Secret is available for sale in paperback at Mostly Books on Speedway and Wilmot. They’re signed and everything. So if you’ve been wanting a paper copy and didn’t want to deal with Amazon….
Also, coming VERY, VERY soon…
Miss Goldsleigh’s Secret.
Do you see that outrageously awesome quote from best selling Regency author Valerie Bowman! What a coup, huh?
We’re just waiting for the last of the formating to be done and the print books to be made ready….
My best guess is second week in May.
Don’t fret – you’ll be right there with the first people to know the minute it’s ready.