I have been married to Ed for more then 20 years. I can truthfully say that I love him more today than on either of the two times I married him (long story). Having admitted that, there are times I would gladly trade him for an iced venti cafe mocha with an extra shot from Starbucks. Like all men, Ed has annoying habits. Most men have them and keep them and then you can decide if you want to deal with them or not because you’ll never be able to change them. Ed is different. Ed has rotating annoying habits. He has annoying habits that he replaces with other annoying habits, he invents new annoying habits or updates old ones with a twist BUT he never has the same annoying habits at any given time – it’s annoying.
Here’s his latest: He no longer says goodbye when he is done with a phone conversation. He just stops talking. You are left to wonder if he is done and about to hang up or if he is taking in needed air. When this habit first appeared last week, I would stare at the phone when he hung up thinking “Did he just hang up or get cut off? Oh well, whatever.” After this happened lots more times, I realized he had given up using the word “Goodbye”.
Now it’s like a game for me, I’m the type of person who will let you hang yourself if you bring enough rope and want to do so. So, if he takes too long a pause, I hang up. It makes him call back to ask if I hung up on him. I never answer that question directly, I just say “I thought you were done.” This behavior was starting to exasperate him so I finally pointed out his missing critical to good phone etiquette “Goodbye”. He didn’t deny the missing “Goodbye” but he offered no excuse for it. During our next phone conversation he said goodbye. So it’s back but now I have to wonder what his next annoying habit will be . . .
So this skinny little blonde I work with has decided that she doesn’t like me anymore. I know this is true, despite her protestations, because she came up with this “wonderful idea” and wanted to include me. I work on the 4th floor of an office building, and she decided that we should walk the stairs during the day, from the 1st floor up to the roof, back down to 1 and then to our floor. Just so you don’t have to tax your brain, I’ll tell you that is ten flights of stairs – 200 steps. She has decided that we should do it EVERY HOUR. Yes, in answer to your unasked question, she may be insane. I’m going to contact her mother about it.
So we did it once today at 11:00. I took my cell phone in case I needed to call 911. My legs are still wobbly. She was ready to go again at 3:00. I told her there wasn’t a chance in hell that was happening. For God’s sake, I’m 40 on Wednesday. You’d think she had more respect for the elderly, or the Queen, or something.
Wasn’t it nice of her to include me? I’m definitely calling her mother.
PS – I’m sure I won’t be able to write tonight because I’ll be having my legs amputated.
I had to say one of those things tonight that you never thought you would ever have to say. Up till now, my favorite was, “We don’t put rice in our armpits”, said to Sassy when she was about 3. Tonight, I approached My Honey with a full kleenex and said, “Look what came out of your son’s nose”. The thing was, the item from his nose was not something one would expect, although, considering the source, I don’t know why not. My Honey made fantastic steak sandwiches with mushrooms, peppers and au jus for dinner. The Bandit asked me several times during dinner if mushrooms ever come out your nose. I told him repeatedly, “No” even when he followed up with, “Ever?” Stupidly, I thought it was more of an esoteric question, a general musing from a curious four year old boy. We’ve teased him about potatoes in his ears and watermelons growing in his tummy from eating the seeds, so I thought this was a question along that vein. After his bath he asked if I would look and see if I could see the mushroom. My stomach dropped. I peered in there and, indeed, there was something way in the back. It was either a really large booger or a freaking mushroom. Fortunately, all it took to extract it was a very dedicated blow of his nose.
Dear Readers, this is why I have been struggling to get past Lord Dalton and Lady Olivia’s first kiss. I’ll be way into a longing look, a sensual stroke of the hand, and all of a sudden I’m thinking of mushroom boogers. Dear lord, help me.
So even after all the shenanigans from the previous night, The Bandit was very busy at Day Care. I received a call from the Director that went like this:
Director: Will you please talk to The Bandit. He’s not listening and every time we try to discipline him, he laughs at us. (I know this scenario well). By the way, were you on vacation for the last week or so?
Me: No. Why do you ask?
D: For the last week, every time The Bandit gets in trouble, he says, ‘I can do anything I want and not get into trouble because my mom’s on vacation so you can’t call her.’ “
Of course, for whatever reason they also didn’t call his father either. When My Honey picked him up from school, no one asked him or told him anything, and the Director often wasn’t around to talk with anyway.
Which is more remarkable? The teacher that believed the four year old, or the four year old for coming up with the pretty creative lie?
There was a lot going on at the Bright Compound yester eve. I got home from work and both kids were in their respective rooms sniveling. Apparently, SOMEONE wrote with ball point pen on my & My Honey’s sheets and wouldn’t fess up. I also found blue crayon on The Bandits sheets and his wall. Needless to say, The Bandit is restricted from using any writing utensil for a week. But he tries. He asked me in the most plaintive, angel voice if he could have a pen so he could practice writing his name. What good decent mother would refuse her child’s desire for education? This one, that’s who. Nice try, little boy.
He also cut his own hair last night. Sassy immediately professed no knowledge how his head came to be missing half his hair. I have a tendency to believe her. Her misbehavior stems mostly from her mouth, not her misdeeds. He tried to tell me that: 1) I cut it. 2) his teacher cut it 3)it just happened 4) he didn’t know who did it. In that order. I think he needs to work on his timeline when lying. The troubling thing is that we can’t find any evidence of the hair cut. I expected to find hair somewhere, but nope. Mysterious. It doesn’t look too bad unless you stand taller than him and look at his head. Unfortunately, he’s short. Remember, he’s four.
The last event in The Bandit Rodeo came at around midnight. I went in to get him up to go potty in order to avoid a wet bed. That is a truly hysterical event every evening. He never actually wakes up, you just walk him into the bathroom, holding him up like a drunk, lean him against the potty and when he feels the porcelain on his thighs, he goes. Anyway, when I went last night he was wearing his Batman top and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING else. That would be fine if I walked in and found Christian Bale like that, but not so much The Bandit. It sets your mind racing. What could he possibly been up to? I live in fear that I’ll find out.
And that, Dear Reader, is why no new words were written last night. I know you’ll forgive me. Or, you could come over and wrangle The Bandit and I’ll write like the wind. No? Ah, well.
My 40th birthday (gasp, wheez, faint) is rapidly approaching. Ava asked me to write a list of my 40 Favorite Things – do you see the theme here? Below is the list in black, Ava’s comments in red, my comments back in green, and then Isabella’s in blue. I’m posting it here because I was requested to do so by a constant reader (god bless her, really!) The point is, you can really “hear” us in these comments. Enjoy. Or not. Normal people may not find this amusing in any way. I will not think less of you.
1.My husband He’ll appreciate the top billing.wish i could say the same
4.Books – all books – every genre
5.Movies – especially action and 80′s teen movies (Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink [apparently anything Molly Ringwald was in.] ) I hate molly Ringwald, I’m surprised you don’t hate her since we look like her. It used to bother me back then, but now not so much. When I was in high school I worked at a movie theater, believe me I heard it 2 or 3 times a night. I can’t watch her act now that she’s an adult. She’s very annoying and not very good. I have an eighth grade picture of myself that you would swear is molly ringworm, I mean Molly ringwald
6.Buddha & Kwan Yin (the female representation) ditto Kwan yin sister!
7.Ganesha – the Remover of Obstacles, Patron of Letters – often represented with a broken tusk in his hand to write with – “patron saint” in Hindu religions for writing and writer’s block. Besides, he’s an elephant (see #36) I have him next to my bed…i might need a different kind of elephant for other problems…
8.Cookies – store bought then Oreos, home made then Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip You like store bought cookies better than homemade? NO – but if I’m going to eat store bought cookies I want them to be Oreos.
9.Ice Cream – chocolate chip from Baskin Robbins or cheese cake with Heath bars from Marble Slab Creamery We should go to Marble Slab for lunch on Friday.
10. DisneyLand – NOT DisneyWorld I want to go to Disneyland in Dec.I want to go to DisneyLand now. I never want to go to Disneyland again…
11. Good Friends Shouldn’t you just have put my and Ava’s names here? Yes, probably. I think we should rank higher…at least over disneyland : )
12. Shoes – pretty shoes, comfy shoes, cute shoes, all shoes. horribly uncomfortable shoes, shoes for the sake of shoes…
13. Coach purses. I think the skies just parted…AMEN! , in the non-jesus-ish amen sort of amen. the more i type amen the more it looks like hymen. interesting…
14. Tiffanys – the pretty blue boxes.
15. Wine, Hard Cider (Ace Pear!) and Lambic
16.Sleeping late on 1000 thread count sheets
18. Writing Number 18? Your talent has ranked it otherwise.
19. Shopping – see above re: shoes, Tiffanys, Coach
20. Hawaii – especially the North Shore of Kauai – Napali Coast, Hanalei, Princeville
21. Cruises – especially to the Caribbean – St. Lucia, St. John & Antigua
22. Mexican food – cheese enchiladas mmmmmmmmm.
23. Puppies – all fuzzy sweet puppies – especially ones with long ears and big feet who sleep on the table and make a racket while you’re on the phone. And forsake me for my husband. I swear he’s in love with the man.
24. Pirates – the cool, sexy ones. Not the Somali type. See next entry. See next entry…
25.Johnny Depp – mmmmmmm Johnny is mine, sorry. I will call him and see if he can come to your party but you’ll have to keep your hands to yourself. The birthday girl gets extra privileges doncha know He’s all yours ladies. I am saving myself for the very specific, battle-encrusted, skirt-wearing, dreadlock-bearing whats-his-name from that one movie. Crap, I think I have Alzheimer’s.
26. tattoos – I know, but they really are addictive What happens when the girl wants a tattoo? I’ve been telling her that tattoos and ear piercing are EXQUISITLY painful. She totally believes me, at least for now. and I can’t talk my daughter into one for anything…
27. Pedicures & red polish
28. Red Vines – super fresh – I like to tie them in a knot and put the whole thing in my mouth at once. Sounds like something in a Sherrill Quinn book : )
29. Godiva Chocolate – although usually I don’t get that much of it because either The Bandit or the Dog eats it. Chocolate will kill your dog but not your kid. Well after they’ve eaten my chocolate, I often want them dead.
30. Presents. I LOVE getting presents. I have witnessed this euphoria…2 years ago, she opened the presents while the people were in the backyard, before it was present time, then she pretended she had no idea what was in the gift bag when they all came back in and she “opened” them. It was a sight to behold…
31. The Muppets. That includes Sesame Street. Especially Grover, Snuffelupugus!, The Swedish Chef, Bunson Honeydew and Beaker, Fozzie Bear, Stattler and Waldorf – really, why limit yourself.
32. Bruce Springsteen – The Boss – Favorite songs of all time – Thunder Road and Born to Run
33. Live blues – one of the best concerts ever was Buddy Guy at the Cajun House in Phoenix
34. My iPod
35. Massages – best if followed up by #27
36. Elephants WHY? They are matriarchal, they have amazing nurturing abilities, the species is fascinating is so many ways and they look cool. The African ones are bigger and cooler looking than the Asian ones. Remind me to tell you a really amazing study they did once. Blew my mind. Elephants are one of only two animal species besides humans who will tend to the sick and infirm. (African weasels the other one, but they are icky and don’t have trunks.) Also, they call the females ‘cows’, which is how i feel right now. well, except for the lactating part. thank god. as in the the godless wonder of a god, not actually god.
37. Lady Bugs
38. Winning – at anything I’m competing for and just in general. And you make fun of me! I’m only making fun of you cause you’ll lose to meWith my feeble, diseased brain, I thought this said WHINING. I was laughing and ready to contribute that I, too , am a champion whiner. but nevermind.
39. Sea food – alive they freak me out, but dead and with butter, dear God, Lobster, Crab and Shrimp. I didn’t know this about you. didn’t know what? That I love to eat them or that I’m afraid of them when they’re alive? Seriously, they’re very scary looking. Very spider like. i wont mention any of this to my vegetarian daughter. she would have nightmares of a buttery mouth savoring seafood.
40. Heirloom jewelry – specifically my Great Grandma’s wedding ring – I wear it every day. On May 31, 2017 it’ll be 100 years old.
Today, against my better judgment, I donated blood. The problem with my donating blood is that I have a tendency to pass out every single time I do so. In fact, I cannot recall a blood-letting that did not end this way. For days afterwards, I am light headed and shaky. Because I have a screw lose, I also had the vampires draw some extra blood to test in order to verify if I am eligible to donate platelets. Donating platelets requires more than two hours, as opposed to the 45 minutes or so donating whole blood takes. I can hear you now – Why Ava? Why would you choose to be tested for something that will surely kill you? Well . . . because the technician told me that they are only accepting platelet donations from O positive men. That’s all I had to hear, I’m O positive! As for the men part, what the heck!!! My platelets are as good as any man’s. I demanded that I be tested and my demands were met. Too bad my demands are not met with the same alacrity at home, but I digress . . .
One of my friends is totally disgusted by this and demanded to know why I do it. Seriously. (Not my Quill Sisters, they accept and love me for my many insanities.) She thinks that if donating blood makes you sick, you shouldn’t do it. She added that most people have never and will never donate blood . . . and there you have – the reason I donate blood even though it makes me sick.
The following from my daily desk calendar:
Writers are terrorized by editors, who wield the power to reject stories they submit for publication. Not the struggling writer Erle Stanley Gardner, even before he became famous for his Perry Mason courtroom series.
When he was starting out in the business, Garner submitted a mystery story to a magazine with a note for the editor: “Three O’clock in the Morning is a damned good story. If you have any comments, write them on the back of a check.”
The Sisters think he might have been a genius.
I have been on a sort of cerebral hiatus lately, and have been neglecting you, as has been so delicately pointed out to me by many Quill fans as of late. And those of you, who gently wondered where my antics have gone, know who you are. So…thank you for bringing it to my attention.
Weary from my stressed-induced-padded-room syndrome, I have no words of wisdom this night. Just gratitude to everyone around me. For helping me with the little parts of my life when the big parts were daunting. For listening when I whined (notice I left out the wine while I whined). For talking me off the ledge…more than once. For helping me remember what matters. For coming to my rescue for no other reason than to make things a little easier. And especially to Ava and Amylynn, for being a constant inspiration to me, and only wanting me to be the best of what I can become.
So, I will be back soon with more. Really…
My Honey and I took Sassy and The Bandit to a baseball game this evening. It was great and the home team won. And the best part was that the game really came down to the wire. At the bottom of the ninth inning we were tied, bases loaded, one out, and Junior Spivey hit a beautiful line drive to center field that came up short of the fielder. It was wonderful.
I have always loved baseball, and with the exception of hockey, it’s the only sport I enjoy live. Or, on television for that matter. I played as a child and have fond memories of my father coaching my team. Sassy had no compunction what so ever in telling me she really didn’t want me to explain the game to her this evening. Ah well. She does enjoy shoes so we have that in common.
The Bandit was quite happy to discover that he could be as loud as he wished and his father and I wouldn’t shush him. I encouraged him to yell and clap all he wanted. He was also delighted to watch the goofy mascot dance and clown around. Of course, the hot dogs, popcorn and nachos went a long way in impressing him, too. So I have hopes that my boy will be a baseball fan with me. I guess as long as there is a silly mascot and junk food, I’ll have someone to accompany me to the ball park.
After the game, there were fireworks. Yowza! Our little AAA ball park is quite small and the fireworks were quite close. My ears are still ringing from the booming explosions. But they were fun and beautiful and patriotic.
Even with all this going on this evening, I still managed to push out four pages. 36, 325 words toward my 100,000. Wow, when you say it like that is is really quite daunting, isn’t it.