We’re gonna try something different with the five things today. No one reads this anyway so we don’t expect to get a lot of disgruntled comments. Although, honestly, at this point any comment that isn’t selling penis enlargement drugs is welcome. We’ve decided that we’re on the right track to becoming cat ladies. With that in mind, we’ve decided to dedicate this week’s episode to cats. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to come up with five different cat stories so another stealthy animal crept in there. You know us well enough by now to know that we are perfectly willing to adopt any animal so foolish as to wander over by us. So here we go. If you’re allergic, take a pill and hunker down.
1. Mountain Lion. A two year old mountain lion tried to get into Harrah’s Casino in Reno last week. Ultimately, he didn’t make it because he couldn’t negotiate the revolving door. His behavior was likened to a “stupid teenager” and he was described as being underaged. Are we carding mountain lions now? Really? Jeez, Nevada is getting really strict. We suspect the dude was looking for a nice breakfast buffet and if there’s one place on Earth there is likely to be a buffet fit for a mountain lion it would be in Nevada. Maybe he’d have had better luck in Las Vegas. Honestly, most of the people there
are so drunkenly intent on their slot machine we doubt he would have been noticed.
2. Here, kitty kitty. There has been a flurry of activity around St Osyth, England. Apparently, there is a “lion” on the loose. Twenty-five officers, a helicopter and workers from a local zoo are running around the countryside looking for a lion that no one will confirm or deny losing. Actually, we thought that a zoo would have a pretty good handle on exactly how many lions they have at their facility. If they’re playing fast and loose with their census numbers then that makes our job of kidnapping a lion cub a whole lot easier. There have been photographs and eyewitnesses of the animal and yet, because they can’t find it, have decided to downgrade the situation from a lion to a
“large domestic cat.” How freaking big do they grow their cats over in England? Even after reports of hearing a roar, the officials are sticking with their plan. They have, however, suggested that the locals stay inside. You know, cause there’s an enormous freaking cat wandering around.
3. Feeding cats steroids.That is our only explanation for this next story. In Lynden, Washington there were all kinds of reports of a “cougar” at the fairgrounds. The officials sent the police out there and finally an officer was able to get within a few feet of the animal. This time they were able to confirm that the “cougar” was “a very muscular orange-colored domestic cat.” WTF people? Everyone seems to be focusing on a pending zombie apocalypse and that stupid Mayan calendar thing when what we really need to be worried
about is what the hell these domestic cats are eating. Was this the Arnold Schwarzenegger of kitties?
4. Gratuitous bear story. Around the corner from our little town an even smaller town was blessed with the sight of a cavorting bear. Joggers and bus riders were warned to be on the alert. Eventually the bear was steered back into the mountain area “more suitable for bears” and the fun was over. You know what? He was probably just trying to steer clear of the roving gang of “muscular” orange cats with the German accents.
5. Cats pulling their own weight. It has come to our attention that some people’s cats are actually earning their own keep instead of lounging around and shedding like our cats do. These cats, most of which seem to reside in Japan somewhere, actually make enough money on YouTube to buy their owners new apartments. We can’t even get ours to earn enough money to buy their own food.
Jojo Kitten lost a tooth today.
There was squealing. Also, eye rolling. We do understand the magnitude of our ridiculousness in case you think we’re not so self-aware.
He was sleeping on my desk just like normal when he started making coughing/gagging noises. He used his front feet like hands and acted like he was trying to get something out of his mouth. THEN THERE WAS BLOOD ON HIS PAW!
I’m not going to say I panicked but I will say I was a little more shrill than usual when I yelled for Ava to come to my office.
She trotted across the hall and sat on the other side of my desk. Together we stared at Joe. He stared back in that cat way that all but says out loud, “What the hell do you want?”
Then he turned his head to the side and spit a baby tooth across the room.
I knew that kittens lose their baby teeth, just as puppies and kids do. Of course, I’m referring to human kids, although I suspect that baby goats lose their teeth, too. It’s just that kittens’ are very small. If we hadn’t seen exactly where he’d spit it, we’d have never found it.
I showed all his Aunties at work and we all cooed over it and lamented that our baby is growing up. Then I wrapped it up in a Post It note and tucked it into my wallet so I could show my kids.
This is the note that Sassy wrote to the Tooth Fairy. Oh, did you not think the Tooth Fairy would come cause Jojo’s just a cat? Clearly, you and your relationship with the Tooth Fairy has lapsed. All of the misspellings are Sassy’s, although I have added punctuation so you have a chance at deciphering it. Here’s a hint, read phonetically.
Hi tooth fariy,
I just hop you tack this tooth. It is not my tooth, it is Jojo’s tooth. If you can, can you not leave a coin or bill.
If you can, can you leve a cat thing.
It whod be asom if you cood take it.
PS. Try not to poke yourself
Isn’t it cute how my kids are so excited about what the Tooth Fairy could bring for Jojo? I warned them that she wouldn’t be prepared for kitten teeth so she may not have anything feline appropriate. Still, it’s cute how worked up they are.
Ava and I aren’t excited at all. In fact, we find the whole thing rather uninteresting, mundane, childish. After all, we have lives you know.
PS – After reading this in the light of day, I see spelling errors in my survey. I can’t fix that now because I’m a moron. Terribly sorry.
Part of getting the first of the Keeping Secrets series of Regency romantic comedies out before Christmas was that it had to go through the editorial process. For the uninitiated, that means that a professional editor goes through the manuscript with the goal of ripping your work to shreds as lovingly as possible in the guise of making your book the best it can be.
This is something that you ask for, beg for. In this particular instance, I’m paying a lot of money for a stranger to dissect Lady Belling’s Secret to the bone and show me every single flaw she can find.
It’s demoralizing, ego bruising, soul-crushingly awful. And absolutely necessary.
I think it’s best to have a stranger do it, someone who can be brutal, someone who doesn’t love you. Someone that you won’t feel compelled to never speak to again.
Nevertheless, after I received the five-page, single spaced letter from the editor with her fourteen points that need immediate attention, I thought seriously about leaving Bank of No Forks and heading straight to a bar. A bar that also sells pastry. Jack Daniels and a Bundt cake. Remy Martin and a chocolate cream pie. Johnny Walker and a pineapple upside down cake.
I know that every author feels this way when they get the first round of content edits, but I don’t really care. Knowing that others are out there doesn’t make me feel any less inadequate, embarrassed or depressed. Just like everyone else of my generation, I looked for someone else to blame for this feeling.
This is all Ava and Julia Quinn’s fault. Mostly Ms. Quinn.
If Ava hadn’t give me my first romance and if it had been the brilliant Julia Quinn’s The Duke and I, I might have sailed along through the rest of my life without ever finishing a manuscript. I would have sat at home, content in my snobbery, completely ignorant of my substandard writing ability instead of hopeful and misguided.
I totaly realize that I’m being excessively dramatic. So what. That’s what artists are like – dramatic, insecure, crazy. I get another twelve hours of this before I put my big writer pants on and get back to work. But while I work off my free pass, I’m going to use up every bit of it.
Dear Ms Quinn.
This is not a love letter.
I want to tell you, from the very bottom of my heart, that ,while in the course of sharing your gift of storytelling with the world, you have single-handedly ruined my life. I blame your wit, your gift of crafting a story with sufficient conflict, and your unmatched knack of putting it all together in a page turning, giggle out loud book makes me completely miserable.
If it hadn’t been for you, I never would have said, “Hey, I can write one of those,” and I’d still be fooling around with partially finished horror stories and uninspired literary fiction. I’d be much happier I’m sure. It’s probably also your fault that I’m drunk and sick to my stomach from all the misery cake I’ve been eating.
The next time I see you I’m going to seriously consider kicking you in the shin. I probably won’t though because I’ll be too concerned about getting you to sign my latest copy of whatever brilliance your publisher is peddling now. I can’t even properly hate you.
Here’s the thing, though Ms. Quinn. I just think you should know that it’s all your fault that I’m feeling like a talentless hack. I’m selling my lap top for scrap. I’m throwing out my thesaurus. At least until tomorrow.
Fondly, but with a prickle of intense jealousy.
Amylynn Bright – worthless hack
P.S. When’s your next book due out?
My Honey had an awful day. When I checked in with him in the afternoon, he lamented the magnitude of its crappiness.
When he woke up this morning the house was strewn with the contents of the kitchen garbage can. Thanks, dogs. When he put his work boots on, he broke a shoelace. Next, his truck wouldn’t start so he jumped the battery with my car. On the way to work, he realized that his windshield was broken. Work sucked, which is a given considering that he was required to go there. When he got off work, the truck battery was dead – again. $77.00 later he had a new battery, but then he had to go to school – which is crappola after a long, hard day.
So you know what I did to prove that I’m a good wife? I made dinner. It was crap dinner (Ava comments – it was a crap dinner and, clearly, Amy is too embarrassed to even tell you what it was – but I’m not - she gave them Tuna Helper! Tuna Helper for gods sake.) and he had to come to my rescue at the end because I forgot to include any kind of vegetable.
It concerns me that I require recognition for this feat. Honestly, I think I might have some male DNA somewhere in there because that bullshit is a “guy move” if ever there was one.
Do you do something that is clearly a move from the other DNA? Are you a man who turns mean once a month? Are you a woman like me who requires recognition for the littlest thing? Are you a guy into your hair or a woman who loves fast cars?
Sesame Street and I were born the same year and I can remember us growing up together. My favorite Sesame Street character has always been loveable, furry old Grover, but my brother was a huge fan of the Count. He would go around counting everything just like the character.
“One, two, three. Three fabulous toys! Bwahahahahahahaha.”
Rest in peace, Jerry Nelson.
Then on Sunday I read that Neil Armstrong had gone. The moon walk also occurred the same year I was born. 1969 was a very good year. Neil and I also shared a birthday, although he was 39 the year I was born.
The first man to walk on the moon. Isn’t that astounding? Even after all these 43 years, that’s still an amazing thing. A heroic undertaking from a very quiet man.
So there you go. Two less heroes and educators in the world. It’s a quieter planet. A lot less counting going on.
We are so ready for this summer to be over. We’re tired of complaining about the heat. We’ve used all our good jokes to death. We’d really like to start complaining about being cold now. The heat makes us irritable but, to be fair, the cold makes us crabby so really there’s no win/win out there. With the attitudes we’re sporting these days and with the way things are looking at Bank of No Forks, we’re considering taking up a life of crime. We know that we’ll eventually get caught. Still the lure of living high on the hog seems like it might be worth it. Besides, when we get sent to jail we’ll get two hots and a cot so that seems acceptable. We’re going to petition for solitary confinement right away. Actually, that sounds too good to be true. Wanna form a gang? Here are our five things this week.
- Phyllis Diller. No, no, no. We don’t mean that we’re happy she’s dead. Quite the contrary. We’re sorry to see her go. As ladies who are also quick with a quip, we do recognize that she’s practically a mother to us. Besides, some of her one liners we consider gospel. For
example, “Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?” That’s what we keep saying.
- Skinny Dipping. The politicians have been really busy embarrassing themselves all week. We are only going to bring up this one, because it’s funny not un-freaking-believably asinine. The esteemed freshman republican congressman from Kansas, Kevin Yoder, has had to publicly apologize for skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee. Supposedly he was in Israel on a “fact finding mission.” The fact is that very few republicans should be without clothes – swimming or not. That’s just our humble opinion. Never fear, the FBI is investigating. They’ll get to the bottom of this. HA! See what we did there?
- Penguins – Part 2. We brought this to your attention once before but we’re darned if we can remember when. Back in May-ish (?) a Humbolt penquin escaped from the Tokyo Aquarium and lived large for 83 days. Now the Sazaka Zoo, also in Japan, is struggling to keep four 3-month old penguins in their enclosure. One of our favorite blogs, Shoebox, said it best, “These penguins have escaped their Japanese zoo three times now, showing that apparently no one at the zoo has seen Madagascar.” Perhaps we should stop sending penguins to Japan? Clearly they are not happy there. They’d be much happier over at our house.
- Prince Harry. By now you’ve certainly heard that the bonny prince is running amok in Las Vegas. Apparently, not everything that happens there stays there. Not only was he playing strip billiards, but he also good naturedly challenged Ryan Lochte to a race in the casino pool. We suspect Ryan won because, as far as we know, the English Monarchy no longer beheads people anymore. We know that this may shock you, but we have no problem with Harry’s amokness. Isn’t what he’s doing in his job description? He’s the second son with no wife, no real responsibilities and he’s darn cute. We say you cavort away, young man. In fact, we’re hosting a welcome party for some penguins next week and you’re more than welcome to come to our party nude as well.
- Hippos. You know how the penguins don’t seem to like Japan? Apparently the hippos aren’t that crazy about South Africa either. There have been a couple of reports that hippos are wandering around neighborhoods over there and crawling in people’s gardens and swimming pools. The authorities are hoping the most recent “rogue” hippo will wander back home. We suspect that she wants to get some shopping in. Perhaps she’s on a quest for a swimming suit that doesn’t make her look fat. Good luck, pumpkin. If you find anything, let us know. We’re going to be over that way picking up some penguins, and we’re happy to bring you home, too.
Last night, I’m minding my own business, in my bathroom and for no reason what-so-ever I look in the master bath tub and see a giant freakin’ scorpion in it. Two other things are going on at that moment, I’m brushing my teeth and my daughter has just come in the room because she likes to talk while I have a mouth full of toothpaste.
I start wildly gesturing at the tub for her to see the danger and she keeps looking at me instead of the tub. Than the cat comes running in – right at the tub.
We live in the desert, for Zeus sake! That scorpion was easily 90 lbs!!!! All three of us were going to die!
Finally, the girl looks at the tub. I was spewing spit and toothpaste all over shouting “Go get your father!”
She runs over to the top of the stairs and starts calling to him to save us.
I kid you not; he takes forever – in scorpion death time – to climb the stairs. He actually moved at a leisurely pace as if there was nothing wrong and there wasn’t a 90 LB EVIL SCORPION threatening his beloved wife and daughter.
“Oh my god, Ed! Could you at least work up to a trot???” I shrieked.
He, calmly and slowly, went to the tub.
“That is what the entire ruckus is about?” He stupidly said.
“Listen you; our marriage vows included the fact that you would kill all insects and snakes. It may have not been specified but it was implied that you would do it in a timely fashion and without ridicule.”
This was said over my shoulder as I ran out of the bathroom to save myself . . . our marriage vows also included that in dangerous situations it’s every man for himself.
You may have noticed we love Pinterest. Follow the link on the right to my boards if you have no idea what Pinterest is.
If you dont’ know what Pinterest is, you should really go check it out. But first, I want to say good-bye. I’ll miss you. When you come back up for air, let us know. Really Pinterest is a bigger time suck than Facebook and Twitter combined.
But, it’s fun.
Also, for a writing tool, it’s great. I’ve started using different boards for different stories. I am very visual and I’ve always cut out pictures and saved electronic pics of my characters, what they wear, where they live. Basically, things that speak to me about my current work in progress.
With Pinterest, you can see them too. It’s like you can stand at my desk and look at my bulletin board collages.
My current WIP is a contemporary that my agent asked me to write. It’s my first full length contemporary and I’m really having fun with it.
I’m researching food and motorcycles and vintage clothing instead of when were stamps invented and what is the proper address of the cousin of a wife of a count in English peerage.
Pop over to my Pinterest Board. Craving is the board for this WIP. I’m adding to it constantly so check back in. Also, there’s a very small board for Lady Belling’s Secret – the first of my series which will be out sometime before Christmas. That board is small because I’ll need to migrate all the pictures from other places and rebuild the board.
The biggest board is my Fun Stuff and it’s really quite a disturbing look inside my sense of humor. Maybe you shouldn’t linger too long over there or you’ll start looking at me differently.
Stay tuned for more stories from me. And while you wait, you can tunnel around inside my characters.