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Get your resumes ready

When I was a child people always asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I’m certain you were all asked this question as well. I find myself bitter because no one, no one I tell you, ever mentioned that the following are actual jobs – jobs you can get paid for, really.

Obviously this is valid proof. Obviously.

Obviously this is valid proof. Obviously.

Big Foot Hunter – Granted, the Sisters do not like to go outside and we certainly don’t like to sleep outside but do you realize that there are no less than four shows on cable in which idiots run around in the woods looking for Big Foot? These people are paid for this, PAID. By all that’s holy, who better to look for a large furry animal than the Quill Sisters??? Amy and I pitched show #5 to the cable networks. Sadly, we received a rejection. It basically said – You can’t have a show since you actually think you could find Big Foot in less than a week (perhaps we shouldn’t have pointed out our extreme skill of finding pets anywhere . . . ). We’re not paying those idiots to find Big Foot, we’re paying them to injure themselves and chew tobacco while they’re looking for Big Foot – the Big Foot they’re million dollar shoppersnever going to find because they make too much god-damn noise tromping around in the woods pretending to be hunters.

Million Dollar Shopper – this is the one that upsets me the most. WHY THE HELL DIDN’T SOMEONE TELL US THIS IS A JOB?????? How is shopping while spending other people’s money a job??? Who doesn’t want to go shopping if they have money to spend. Do it yourself, you lazy slobs. I’m glad I got that out of my system . . . Now about that job interview. The Sisters can shop with the best of them. Especially Ava. She will search the world over to find exactly what she wants and this is all made possible by the companionship of Amylynn. You can find anything if half of the team is saying something like “Great Zeus! I’m glad you insisted on visiting 160 stores to locate a dark greyhousewife purse with silver hardware and an outside pocket because here it is! In store 160. That lazy millionaire that we’re shopping for will be so happy we’ll probably get a bonus!”

Housewives of Anywhere – How is this even a show? #1, no one wants to watch a show about housewives. Which explains #2 – they aren’t housewives! Not one woman on any of these shows cooks or cleans or housewives. Not one. Which is why we’re totally up for being paid to be on TV to “pretend” to be a housewife. We feel certain we were born to be paid to pretend to be housewives – on TV or not. In fact, we’ve been practicing our pretend housewife skills for years.

What job do you wish you’d known was a thing?

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