That would be a giant NOPE even if you ask nicely

So. Did you see that huge cloud of negativity hovering over the Southwestern desert this weekend. It was because I had to have new headshots taken.

Riiiiiiight

As far as I can see, this is the biggest problem with success in publishing. People seem to want a photo of you. That whole idea fills me with stomach roiling anxiety. I know you think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not. The only thing worse than having my picture taken would be if I had to have it done with a spider. Honest to Zeus, that would probably kill me.

Ava tried to make it better for me by finding artistic pictures we could try to copy. Pictures like this of Meryl Streep or this one by Julia Roberts. As much as she tried to help, this made things worse. Sweet Jesus, look who I have to try to emulate here. The only thing Julia and I have in

Yeah, this was gonna happen

common is red hair, and even then, she wears it much better than me. Hold on a second, I have to go throw up.

I’m back.

So we struggled to find a photographer which, through no fault of our own, was much harder than it had to be. We finally lit on a lovely lady who did a good job considering what she had to work with. More on that later.

We made a hair and makeup appointment. We hardly even made ourselves a nuisance at the salon since I was so freaked out I couldn’t even muster some good sarcasm. Ava had no wing man for any of her volleys.

We brought props. None of which we really used after all. One was sunglasses – see Meryl. We have a few in those. I assure you I DO NOT look like Meryl in them, but they were handy because it was super bright out. Super bright and WINDY. WTF, Nature? We also brought a gray cable knit sweater – see Julia. I will assure you that one reason I do not look anything like Julia in them was that it was 98 degrees outside and I was in a turtleneck. The reason she’s probably pulling that thing away from her face wasn’t to be artistic. It was probably because she was quickly melting. I assure you I was. MEEEEEEEELTING. That made me testy. Sorta like the Wicked Witch of the West. Undoubtedly, the similarities didn’t end there. I’m sure you can imagine how pleasant I was during the whole ordeal as I’ve already explained my anxiety, heat level and even my general contentiousness on a good day.

I brought a top hat. I thought it was whimsical. Turns out it was stupid. Ava brought a cool Frank Sinatra kinda hat. It was stupid, too. There was a tea-cup that went unused and a laptop that never made its presence known either.

Lovely Photographer took 168 photographs. We found 10 that don’t make we want to jump off a bridge. Lovely Photographer will Photoshop them and hopefully remove all the ugly. Then we’ll see what we end up with.

All I know is, I’m never, never doing this again.

Ever.