July 11

Ava’s off having all kinds of fun while we toil away at soul-sucking jobs. How is that fair? How? The only bright spot on the horizon is that it’s Friday. We do love a good Friday. Or a bad Friday. Really any Friday. The only benefit we can see about Ava being gone for the week is that we haven’t eaten Chipolte once. Not one single time. We’re fairly certain that by next week Chipolte will have sponsored a milk carton with her face on it. They must be beside themselves with worry. Think of the welcome we’ll get when she drags us back there next week. Maybe we’ll get free guacamole out of it. Here’s some stuff Amylynn laughed about while she was gone.

1. Luxury cars. Rolls-Royce wants us to all calm down and stop worrying about them. They’re doing just fine. Great really. Apparently the sales of the luxury automobile are up. One of these days we’d like to buy a car whose base model starts at $263,000. Our asses would be damn fine resting on that leather seat when we cruise town on National Tiara Day. And it would make going to Chipolte that much better. We’ll have Jeeves park right in front.

2. Tortoises on the lam. The week the police department brought down a couple of runaways. Two desert tortoises escaped their home and the police found them cruising South in the Northbound lanes of a fairly busy street in town. “A slow speed pursuit ensued.” Blahahahahahahaha. We can only assume they were handcuffed and thrown in the back of a squad car and then prosecuted within the limits of the law. That’s the way we treat people moving too slowly on our streets. We don’t care if you’re going the wrong way, just do it quickly.

3. Apparently there is an age limit. This is important information for those of us as we  approach our golden years. We all refuse to grow old, that’s not news to any of us. But we are getting  more fragile as we near that big Five-Oh. Take for example some poor sod in Germany. He’s in his fifties and he went to a Motorhead concert. Afterward, he couldn’t figure out why he had such awful headaches, so he went to the doctor. Turns out all that head-banging caused a brain bleed. As the wife of a heavy metal musician, Amylynn has seen this in person. Usually they just have to wear a neck brace for a week. Why those guys can’t just get botox like all the women? Hell of a lot less intimidating than having a hole drilled in your head.

4. Way better than other airlines on our shit list. There was a run in last year between the Sisters and Delta Airlines and the TSA. It was a huge mess. We swore we’d NEVER EVER fly Delta ever again, and we were serious. That was until they were the cheapest flight to Pennsylvania. Once again, Ava had a horrible flying experience with them. We’ll let her tell you that story. Other people on a Frontier Airlines flight out of

The actual parrots

Wyoming were having an awful flight, too. They sat on the tarmac FOREVER and their pilot felt so bad, he ordered them pizza. All 160 people ate Domino’s pizza while they waited. We’re just sayin’, we bet those passengers don’t have hate in their hearts for Frontier.

5. Squawk Me Elmo. The Customs officer discovered  two parrots tucked inside a stuffed Elmo doll. They seized the birds from the smugglers and sent them to quarantine. The birds, not the smugglers. You know this started our wheels spinning. We just need a bigger stuffed animal than Elmo. Also, it would help if we didn’t start our smuggling operation with an animal that doesn’t scream, “Let me out!” with a parrot accent.