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September 19

5-things12

Well, the news reports that we were going to be washed away were greatly exaggerated. We’ve put away the life jackets and we’re using our sandbags to build a fort. It’s a no boys allowed fort unless you’re Johnny Depp, Tom Hardy, Robert Downey, Jr, Neil Degrasse Tyson, or the ghost of Christopher Hitchens. If you are any of those people we implore you to call us immediately. We have your ID cards ready for the Quill Sisters Honorable Mention Society. We’re picking up our mascot very soon. We can’t tell you what the mascot is or where we’re getting it from that way you’ll have plausible deniability when Interpol comes to question you. Here are somequattroporte-ermenegildo-zegna-limited-edition_100458294_l other funny things.

1. The Official Automobile of the QS. Behold! The Maserati Quattroportte Ermenegildo Zegna Special Edition. We went to the Maserati website and built just a regular Maserati, not a special edition version–just your run of the mill Maserati–and it cost $130,000. Ours will be blue with brown leather interior and we shall name him Gianni. (Ava here – I’m getting the limited edition model.  It’s $175,000 but I think Ed would want me to have it.) We’re not allowing any children in Gianni. Children refuse to respect the Maserati. YOU WILL RESPECT THE MASERATI. You know there are some things the Italian really have a grasp hillary's elephanton–sports cars and prosciutto. No — not even if you’re one of the honorary members listed above–you many NOT eat prosciutto in the Maserati.

  • 2. The best seat saver ever. At New York Fashion Week this year, the Oscar de laRenta show hosted this adorable elephant in every single chair with a letter form Hillary and Chelsea Clinton urging them to support the Wildlife Conservation Society, the Nature Conservancy, and Conservation International who are working so hard to protect wild elephants. 96 elephants a day are killed by poachers for their ivory. That’s reprehensible. We love elephants. If anyone at the de la
    boa constrictor

    Julius Squeezer

    Renta show doesn’t want their cutie elephant, send it our way. We’ll love it and keep it and name it Lollipop.

3. Another alarming reason not to go outside. This time things are running amok in Nampa, Idaho. There is a 9-foot Columbian boa constrictor on the loose. What the hell a 9-foot boa is doing in Idaho, no one can answer other than to say it escaped from its cage. What they will tell you is that it last ate three weeks ago. How often do these things eat? What do they eat? Prince HarryAuthorities urged anyone who sees it to call the police and NOT try to catch it themselves. Okay. Can they out slither a Maserati?

4. Prince Harry, Prince Charming. Prince Harry was attending the Invictus Games Closing Ceremonies. He had met several of the athletes over the course of the games including Adam Nixon, the team captain for the Great Britain wheelchair basketball team. The Foo Fighters played the closing ceremonies and Harry noticed that Mr. Nixon’s five-year-old girl couldn’t see the band because she was too short. Harry scooped her up and plopped her on his shoulders and they danced that way for the remainder of the show. Now of course, little Isabelle is cronutcompletely and unabashedly in love with Harry, even now insisting that she’s a real princess. She’ll be ruined for all other men.

5. Early donut orders. So we were sent to Basha’s with the corporate credit card for croissant donuts this morning. They only had one left. We flung ourselves on the floor, right there in the bakery, in front of the glass display cabinets, and had a fit. The clerk was completely nonplused. She quietly put the orphan croissant donut in a box then called for security. As they were taking our picture to put on their employee bulletin board under the Prohibited Patron section, she suggested that we could call ahead on Thursday to order our donuts ahead of time. Of course now we have to find someone else to go pick them up.

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