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October 17

5-things12So we’re just sitting over here shopping for Hazmat suits. We already ordered our Hello Kitty surgical masks and a gross of Lysol from Amazon. We’ll be honest. That whole Ebola stuff is freaking us out. Ava is so panicked about it, she’s stopped harassing Amylynn to get a flu shot. We thought that would never happen. According to WebMD, we already have Ebola the last time we checked, but we think that may have been a hysterical diagnosis. We’re going to stay on it, though. Because we care about all our readers, we’d like you to stay home and read our books instead

Nope. Wrong booby

Nope. Wrong booby

of interacting with the public. They’re infested with disease, every single one of them. Before we all die, you can laugh at this stuff with us.

1. Boobs or Boobies. We don’t mean boobs as in several buffoons. And not boobies as in blue footed birds. We’re talking about the ones girls have. There’s a car dealer in town giving away free on-site mammograms this weekend. We giggled when we read that in the Picayune. Not only because we’re childish, but also because that just sounds funny. “Bring your boobies and buy a car!” Can’t you just see a really awful local commercial airing on late night, some jackass in a russiacowboy hat yelling that line at you from your TV screen? We totally can. We both need new cars. We both have boobies. We’ll let you know how that works out. Amylynn is hoping for a Lexus.

2. Invitations. The headline reads “2 American journalists invited to leave county”. The county in question is Russia. That’s very polite, don’t you think? In fact, it’s a lot more polite than we’d come to expect from Russia. The Sisters haven’t heard it phrased quite this way before. “We invite you to leave.” That’s super nice, eh? One time Ava was invited to leave the zoo. Seriously. Who didn’t see that coming? Amylynn has been invited to leave places Neiman Marcusbefore, too, but in both instances it was presented a LOT louder and with the proprietor’s angry eyes.

3. It’s Christmas—almost. Neiman Marcus has put out it’s fantasy holiday catalogue. We get super excited about this every year. The offerings include a Maserati for 95k, a lifetime supply of a perfume designed especially for you and a trip to Paris for $475k, a trip for 6 couples to Mardi Gras for $125K, and the one we’re wishing for—a trip for two to Hollywood on Oscar Night and an invitation to the Vanity Fair Academy Awards Ball. It includes pampering at a spa, a clothing budget, and a loan of jewelry. Then you

Try to memorize this, alright

Try to memorize this, alright

get to hobnob with the winners. All for the bargain price of $425K Everyone who’s anyone goes to the Vanity Fair ball. Sadly, we won’t because we won’t have jobs by Christmas. We’ll be lucky if we don’t have to cut off our hair to buy our husband’s watches this year (read your O’Henry).

4. Lay? Lie? We have no idea. Most people have no idea. We’ve managed to memorize the rule on who vs. whom and Amylynn has a lock on then vs. than. Lay and lie stymie us every time. We’ve never found a rule that we could easily memorize because then you have to factor in all the confusing tenses. Apparently the reporters and editors at the Picayune don’t know it either because a gentlemen took the time to write a letter to the editor freaking out about this. He described the screw up “like fingernails on a blackboard.” That seems a bit extreme, but on the other hand you’d think SOME professional over at the paper would have caught that before it went out to the seven people who read that thing. Besides grammar lessons, it would be awesome if the reporters would also REPORT ALL Red LobsterTHE STORY. Just once, we’d like to read an interesting story that didn’t leave us with a thousand unanswered questions. Get on that, won’t you.

5. Shrimpfest. Shhhhh. Did you just hear angels singing? That was the all you can eat shrimp festival at Red Lobster. The Sisters and The World’s Greatest Receptionist went there yesterday for lunch. We ate all the shrimps. All of them. The waitress was afraid to tell us no. We feel a little like Forest Gump relating this story, but we ate coconut shrimp, fried shrimp, shrimp scampi, parmesan shrimp, shrimp with linguini, and Srirachi shrimp (which scared the hell out of Amylynn and Ava). They tried to get us to eat some vegetables, but we said no. We don’t need no stinkin’ vegetables. Down with broccoli! They mentioned asparagus was an upcharge of $2.00, who the hell pays extra for vegetables? Up with shrimp! And cheddar bay biscuits. Send more biscuits. AND ANOTHER ROUND OF SHRIMP!

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