January 9

You know what sucks? Diets. Day time television. Bills in the mailbox. Solicitation calls. Laundry. The Sisters being separated. Chapped lips. There now that we got that out of our systems, we can proceed. How’s the new year treating you? And those resolutions? Did you do any of those or have you come to the realization, like the Sisters have, that making resolutions only leads to disappointment and further weight gain? Speaking of weight gain, Amylynn is disturbed to find that she and Jojo Kittywiggles are getting exponentially fatter the longer she’s off work. The reason this could be happening is because of diet math. We figure if you eat a chocolate donut BUT DRINK A DIET COKE it evens everything out, right? Also, if said donut is stale and therefore not as satisfying as you’d hoped, then it doesn’t count either, right? Fine. We’re shopping for a stylin’ Coach leash so Jojo Pudgywiggles can go walking with Amylynn and the Unemployed WGR. While we moan about that, laugh at some funny stuff.

1. We need a seamstress STAT. It has come to our attention there was a gorilla born in the Oklahoma Zoo some time ago. She was rejected by her mama so she was raised by humans. They wore “hairy vests” while rearing this gorilla. You read that correctly, hairy vests. So it occurred to us, as it probably did you, that we might need to get ourselves a couple of hairy vests when we get those pandas. We checked out Amazon. Did you know you can buy a mink coat on there? Seriously. On Amazon. Minks are cute, but we’d rather have a panda. So we were really disappointed when we Googled that panda bears can see in color. Probably shouldn’t get the cute pink hairy

We are not fooled.

vest then, right? We couldn’t find any panda colored vests, so we’ll might have to convince our mom to get the sewing machine out again.

2. McDonalds is freaking us out. Did you know that there is a potato shortage? Us neither. But that’s making shit go sideways in Venezuela real fast. They’ve started making substitutions like fried yuca for the French fries. It’s an issue in Japan, too, where they’re really going bonkers and putting human teeth in there. YUCK! It’s possible these are separate issues and we’re just confused, but all we’re sayin’ is that there is arguably ONE reason to go to McDonalds and that is for the fries. No one in Venezuela would be happy if we got fried yuca in our bag instead. Not us. Not the McDonalds employee. And not the yuca suppliers. Come on, Idaho. Get a move on. Things are getting desperate out there.

3. Urban Myth realized. A woman in San Diego thought it would be a regular day. Things seemed to be proceeding

The actual snake and toilet

normally until she went to the bathroom and thought the water was a bit too high in the tank. So she plunged it. And a giant ass snake slithered up. We imagine her next course of action here was to scream, but the accounts in the newspaper don’t specify. Let’s just assume she screamed. We would have. Anyway, she fled the bathroom and Scotch taped the door closed and called the police. We think that was a brilliant move on her part, although we might have gone directly for the flame thrower. It was determined to be a 5 1/2 foot Colombian rainbow boa. The owner of the snake turned out to be the tenant upstairs. Still, we can’t find any reasonable explanation on the internet for how the hell snakes get in toilets in the first place. We suspect there are bathroom phobias developing in San Diego at an alarming rate these days.

4. Fiesty grandmas. We don’t know if it’s because of all the snow, but things are getting crazy in Hamilton, Montana. A 62 year-old woman named Joyce has been charged with felony intimidation and misdemeanor assault when her roommate Jeanne accused her of running her over with her walker. Jeanne was standing in the hall with her own walker when Joyce exited her bedroom with her walker. Apparently Joyce told Jeanne to move it or she was gonna mow her down. (You notice this isn’t in quotes because we’re extrapolating the conversation based on our own interpretation of how this went down.) Jeanne didn’t move and the mowing commenced causing Jeanne to fall. Here’s the best part and we’re not making it up. Joyce claims it was an “accident” but that she did threaten to kill Jeanne if she called the police. Be careful out there. Joyce has not entered a plea and remains free on her own recognizance.

5.  Silver bullets are out of the question. The president of Argentina adopted a boy in order to keep him from turning into a werewolf. So that really happened. Sadly the story isn’t as salacious as we’d hoped. According to folklore in Argentina, the seventh son born to a family will become a “el lobison”. He’ll show his true nature the first Friday after he turns thirteen wherein he will turn into a demon at midnight and be doomed to hunt and kill, as well as feed on excrement, unbaptized babies, and the flesh of the recently dead. Don’t you think that’s weirdly specific? If he’s “adopted” by the president, then he’s the first son, see. We bet what happened is that some Argentinian mother got a whiff of her unwashed, recently turned 13 year-old boy and nearly gagged. We’re very familiar with this issue.