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April 24

5-things12Today is Amylynn’s last day at Bank of No Forks. There is jubilation. Everyone go eat an éclair in honor of this milestone. She’ll be joining Ava at a different company. This is the source of much rejoicing. Ava is nearly beside herself with glee that Amylynn will be there to lessen her work load. Their new boss is super excited because that means Ava can stop yelling at him, what with her being all distracted with a bright shiny Amylynn and all. The internet as a whole should be excited as the blogs are much better when Amylynn and Ava are together all the time. As of now, we’re only together for lunch two or three times a week. Not nearly as much great stuff happens over three hours a week. So, World, be airplaneforewarned. The shenanigans will now recommence! This was a great week for goofy things in the news. Prepare yourself. Here we go.

1. Who exactly was the problem? A woman was removed from a Southwest Airlines flight to New Hampshire for “causing a disturbance” after “poking” a snoring passenger with a pen. Alright, let’s think about this for a minute. We’re betting if this person was snoring anything like Amylynn’s husband snores, he was the one “causing a disturbance.” So imagine you’re flying in a cramped tube with a kid staring at you from over the seat in front of you for three hours. You’ve been jostled, glared at, and insulted ever since you arrived at the airport. The beverage cart has rammed you in the elbow twice. You spent a fortune on a seat that’s too small and doesn’t have enough room for your knees. Now, to top off all these indignities, the jackass next to you is snoring. Loudly. You cleared your throat with as much intent as possible. You nudged him with your elbow. You coffee parrotwhacked him with your knee. Now you’ve had it, and you jab the crap out of him with your pen. The Sisters can see how this went sideways real quick.

2. There’s a punchline here somewhere. A woman in Pennsylvania (we find the best automobile stories from PA!) blamed her car wreck  on her pet parrot. She said the bird distracted her just before she crashed into the guard rail by trying to break into her coffee cup. As I read this story, I fully expected there to be no actual “bird”, but lo and behold, there was. The police found bird seed in the adjacent cup holder and feathers in the seat. Apparently, the bird loves coffee. So what the heck? Give him a nice latte. The woman broke her arm and had lacerations on her face from the airbag. Don’t worry, the bird was “safely removed from the vehicle.” Do you supposediamond they stopped off at the Starbucks on the way to the ER?

3. Yes, please! Get a load of this. Can you believe how gorgeous this stone is? This, our friends, is a “perfect” 100-carat-diamond. It’s an internally flawless, D colored stone. It just sold for $22 million dollars at Sotheby’s. Ava wants to know if it looks fake in real life. It looks fake in this picture, so probably. Amylynn once put on a $250k diamond at Tiffany in The Bellagio in Las Vegas and that one looked fake. You know what, though? We’re totally cool with owning a ring that looks fake. We’ll know it’s not. When we run away with Tom sheepdogHardy and Jared Leto, we’re going to get this ring and trade off wearing it. We’re Sisters. We can share.

4. Don is a lousy name for a dog. Don the Sheepdog is causing a ruckus in Scotland after he drove his master’s car down a hill and onto a highway. Apparently, his owner, a farmer, left Don sitting in his SUV when he got out to inspect some lambs. He swears on all that’s holy that he left the parking brake on. Whatever, Farmer Tom. It seems that Don the Sheepdog has recently developed thumbs and was able to steer the vehicle through a fence, down a steep hill and across the M74 motorway, missing other vehicles and hitting a security barrier. Can you

Remember, safety first!

Remember, safety first!

imagine when you go to yell at the crazy driver who almost killed you and there’s a goofy dog in the seat? There’s a joke here about Ava and her driving skills, but we’re too classy to make it. (Ava here – working on making an offer to purchase “Don the Driving Dog”. Don’s a fine name for a dog if he drives you around.)

4. Maybe he thinks he’s a cat? A sea-lion pup has been safely returned to the beach after sheriff deputies found him trudging along the highway more than a quarter-mile onshore. (How is it possible that the Sisters never find a sea-lion pup or a red panda anywhere? How is that possible??) He wasn’t afraid of people when the officers approached him, probably because he was recently rehabilitated at the Marine Mammal Center in the San Francisco Bay area. He kept rubbing their legs like a pet dog and, we assume, grinning. He’s seems like a happy little dude. He joyfully jumped in the back of the patrol car. And, we assume, stuck his head out the window and barked with glee when they drove him home to the ocean. No news on whether they named him, but we’re also stating unequivocally that Don is also a lousy name for a sea-lion.

One Response to April 24

  • Kilian Metcalf says:

    You are sooooo funny! I don’t know whether Bright is your birth name or your married name, but either way it fits. You make me laugh out loud.

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