That’s right

Today is International Left Handers Day.  Which means it started in America but being American we put “International” anywhere we want to put it.  Anyway, I’m left handed so people spent the day telling me all of the left handed facts they looked up because they wanted to be funny.

Left handed people are more likely to become alcoholics. That’s true but no one ever tells you why.  So let me – we are more likely to become alcoholics so we don’t have to pay attention to you rightys telling us stupid sh*t on International Left Handers Day.

Left handed people are more likely to be schizophrenics. Of course we’re schizophrenic. We live in a world trying to use sharp objects clearly not meant for us. We don’t understand how to read street markings because they’re BACKWARDS. We use both

remember these torture devices?

hands because we have to do so in order to survive. And by the way, which hand should we wear our watches on? Who knows?! We don’t. All of this makes us, well, schizophrenic.

Left handed people are more easily frightened than right handed folks.  Of course we are. You’d be more easily frightened too if you were dropped into an alien world not built for you. How the hell are we supposed to use a measuring cup for goodness sake when the markings are on the wrong side.  We drive on the wrong side of the road! Forget about using a pencil sharpener. See? Frightening.

After spending the day defending “my kind”, I will leave you with one solid fact – left handed people make more money than right handed people.  It’s true. Go ahead and look it up. Oh sure, we die nine years earlier than everyone else so we don’t have as much time to spend those extra dollars but while we’re here we’re going to buy all the left handed scissors we can get our hands on and become President of the United States or as we call it here in America –  “International President of the United States.”