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August 21

5-things12Sociopath noun A person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience. Of course the Sisters aren’t sociopaths. We fully admit that we are crazy but in a fun way that calls for cake and a great deal of sarcasm. We do happen to know several people who seem to fit into that first category alarmingly well. This makes us unhappy. And confused. There isn’t much to do about it but eat the aforementioned cake and do a lot of whining. We’re sure you can imagine the pitch and shrill nature of this whining. To be truthful, it’s probably closer to the definition of shrieking. Anyway, to the uninitiated cheesethis is probably quite comical. Here’s some stuff that’s perplexing and also funny.

1. сыр. That’s a word. You’d know that if you spoke Russian. We know this to be true because we Googled it. The word is cheese. The reason we bring all this up is because Russian authorities have arrested six people for producing contraband cheese. GASP! The cheese bandits were importing forbidden Western cheese and changing the labels to make them saleable in Russian markets. We wonder what this tells us about Russian cheese. Are we talking brie? Camembert? We figure there are wallarooplenty of reasons for the Russians to hate America, but if they want to really find something to despise, then American Cheese – those nasty little cellophaned squares – surely fit the bill, icky little things.

2. Wallaroos! There are two missing beasties in our town that have the Sisters all a buzz. Two wallaroos named Bouncy and Bumper. A walleroo, for those who have no idea, is a cross between a kangaroo and a wallaby. They got out of their yard and have been running amok for the last several days. Ava called Amylynn a liar when she alerted her of this fact. It seemed too good to be true. We assure you this is not a practical joke. We’re dying to grab ourselves some shopping bags and go Roo hunting. It turns out Arizona allows us to have kangaroos if we get the proper permits. We can find anything on the internet, so we’re notChipotle science worried. Honest to Zeus, we promise if someone will let us have a walleroo we will stop fantasizing about prehensile porcupines and wee mountain goats.

3. Chipotle King. So there’s this scientist who loves Chipotle almost as much as Ava does. Frankly, it’s unfathomable, but there you have it. He decided he needed to decipher how to get the biggest possible burrito for his money so he set about it scientifically. Over the course of a week or so he bought like 30 burritos all with different ingredient combinations and dissected each one to determine the perfect ratio. He managed to make a burrito that had double the contents for no more money. This seems like such an incredible waste of time and effort for a bunch of nasty Chipotle. Dammit, Amylynn gets quite enough Chipotle already. Why, oh why, won’t this heidiklumman use his powers for good? Send him to Dairy Queen and perform of the righteous and work all that out for a Blizzard.

4. Heidi. Amylynn has long said she wants to be Heidi Klum when she grows up, now more than ever. You know Donald Trump has been in the news lately. He can’t seem to stop saying stupid things. The latest was most heinously directed toward the fabulous Ms. Heidi. He had the balls to say that she isn’t a 10 anymore. Can you imagine the hubris of a man with that hair saying such a thing about Heidi effing Klum? Us either. That’s why her response is so jared and tomoutrageously perfect. Heidi is brilliant, gorgeous, and FUNNY. Take that Donald.

5. Jared and Tom update. Ava still has her thing for Jared Leto, although she does disapprove most of his film choices. Why, she wants to know, can’t he pick a nice romantic comedy where he can just be pretty instead of all these weird films? Take for instance Suicide Squad. We can’t tell you how excited we were when it was originally announced that Tom Hardy and Jared Leto were going to be in a movie together. We nearly peed with excitement, but then Tom backed out and much of our excitement waned. Jared is still running around acting all Joker-y, sending his cast mates weird presents like live rats and bullets. Tom on the other hand is going to be in a film coming out later this year where he plays twins! AND he manages to do this without wearing bizarro makeup, bejeweled teeth and prancing around like a lunatic. Tom’s team totally wins!

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