April 15

Did you do your taxes? Us neither. We’re going to recuse ourselves from it this year. We’ve decided no. We’re going to take the money we would have spent with the IRS and go shoe shopping. In Paris. If it’s not too late for you, and  you haven’t already sent your money to those thieving bastards, you’re welcome to come with us. We promise a week of shopping and croissants and cafes and witty repartee. What do you say? You can help us come up with the Five Things for the next week. This is what we have for now. Enjoy.

1. Neil deGrasse Tyson. The Sisters have a long history of crushes on brilliant and witty men. Often times their looks are superfluous. That’s why we always feel so fortunate when the objects of our crushes are handsome to boot. Ava thinks Neil has beautiful skin and Amylynn is in no position to argue with her because she loves his smile. He’s charming and funny and a hell of an advocate for science – something else the Sisters are fascinated with.  Behold – a favorite quote: “If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.” — Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson)

2. Lactose tolerant. Someone in Pueblo, Colorado has a serious problem with cheese. The man who owns the Do Drop Inn there has been burgled several times for all his cheese. That’s to say, a thief has broken in three times to steal all cases of cheese in the refrigerator. It has amounted to about 50 cases of provolone, 2,000 pounds, valued somewhere between five and seven thousand dollars. Why would someone repeatedly break in and only take cheese? No word if this is the only restaurant effected by the thief. We think the whole thing is very weird.

3. That’s nuts. Speaking of weird theft rings. A couple of years ago there was a big theft ring with maple syrup in Canada. There’s that odd cheese thing on Colorado. Now we hear about California. Apparently nut thefts are big money in California. Nuts, almonds, and pistachios to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars. They’re stealing them by the truckloads, whole semis full. It’s like the world’s largest chipmunks are running the show over there.

4.Jungle Book – Both sisters were eager to see the new film this weekend but only Ava got in.  She lives just outside of the city proper and less people live out there.  Hence, there are very few sold out movies to deal with. she reports that it was excellent – giving it an A+. Here’s something you need to know about Ava. She loved the original Jungle Book growing up. Her favorite character was Shere Khan, the evil tiger who wants to kill Mowgli, she felt he was only being a tiger and disliked unfairly. Unfair or not, the sister’s mother thought this meant she needed therapy. Instead of therapy, the boy who lives at Ava’s house has the middle name “Tiger” – for real. Maybe she did need that therapy after all . . .

5. Meet Scotty. Look at this fellow. Besides the fact that he is horribly named, we want him desperately. We could tuck him in our pocket and feed him with a syringe and smother him with kisses. Then we’d change his name to Oliver.