Fad diets don’t work when you’re undead – scientific fact

I’ve been thinking about this a bunch lately.  I don’t know why.  Certainly, there are other more plausible things for me to fill my brain with, but this particular musing will not go away. I don’t know why.  It’s totally stupid, however, I’m going to share it with you because that’s what I do.

The vampire craze in the last five years that resulted with the rise of the Twilight and True Blood/Sookie Stackhouse popularity has resurrected this idea that I thought was dormant in my subconscious. It originally started, I think, when I read Bram Stoker’s Dracula way back in high school or perhaps it originated all the way back when I saw Frank Langella play the role in 1979. The vampires, with very few exceptions, have been turned into their undead selves at the most ideal time.  The myth states that for all eternity they will look exactly the same way they did at the time of their death. They are always beautiful, sexually attractive and perfect.

I can think of few examples when this has not been so.  Charlaine Harris had a vampire turned at his middle fifties.  He was pudgy and completely unassuming.  Anne Rice had a child vampire filled with angst that she’d always be a child no matter how mature she was. 

I just know that would happen to me.  It’s obviously too late for me to be turned into a vampire in my twenties.  Twenty years too late as a matter of fact.  If it happens now, I will be seriously pissed off.  I will get to spend my eternity as a chunky, middle aged woman with graying hair and weird adult acne on my chin. This is not a pretty way to spend the next thousand years.

Because I don’t have enough REAL stuff to worry about. I might actually be a lunatic. It’s a damn good thing vampires aren’t real.