Don’t look now, but she’s totally lost it

I was all ready to type up my blog tonight. I’d seated myself on my spot on the sofa, turned on my laptop, and got comfortable.

It was brilliant. Possibly, it was the best, funniest, most inspired blog post I’ve ever written.

And then the Internet went down.

Down.

As in no Internet. Oh. My. God. I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I wanted to call the cable company who holds all of my communication capabilities in their ineffective hands. I didn’t know the phone number. You know how people get phone numbers these days? THEY LOOK ON THE INTERNET.

I fidgeted on the couch. I tried to watch TV. I focused on reruns of The Big Bang Theory (the funniest show on television, bar none) but no dice.  I asked My Honey to go see if he could get on line with his desktop computer. He went and did that AFTER he made considerable fun of me.

I don’t know what I thought was going to happen. The Internet was down. No one can get on line. It’s down for everyone, not just my laptop. Why, when the Internet goes down, you feel like it’s localized on just your computer?

I felt certain I was going insane. I turned my computer off and on again. Still no Internet.

The phone book! I remember that there were still phone books in the kitchen. I got the phone number for the cable company and called on my cell phone. A very annoying man’s voice came on to tell me that there were receiving so many calls that they couldn’t take MY call. He cheerfully suggested that I try again later. I roundly cursed the idiot on the recording and tried the Internet again.

ARRRRGGGGG! Nope. I called again. Same recording. And again and again and again and again. I paced. I cursed and threatened to cry. My Honey informed me I was being dramatic and then he laughed at me. I cursed at him and accused him of not loving me.

Clearly I had rounded the corner of Distressed and loped merrily into the sad little neighborhood of Lunacy. I memorized the zip code. I figured I’d be there a while. I called the cable company again. That jackass was still answering the phone. Have you ever noticed that you can’t furiously hang up on anyone on a cell phone? Pressing that end button – or in the case of my piece of shit SPRINT phone – sliding the “end” thingy on the touch screen is wholly unsatisfying. Ava pointed this out to me weeks ago, but I hadn’t the opportunity to experience it until tonight. I sincerely missed the “good old days” when you could slam the receiver down in a fury and everyone would know about it.

I tried the internet again. I wept a little. I pulled up my current manuscript. I hoped that if I focused on my hero and heroine and Regency England – a time, I’d like to note, that did not have internet – that I could keep my mind off the fact that I was completely cut off from every other person on the planet. Unless, I wanted to call them on my STUPID SPRINT phone that doesn’t work.

I was saved by Sons of Anarchy. The show finally ended at 12:30 and I was more than half asleep. I tried the Internet one more time before I toddled off to bed.

IT CAME ON!!!!!!!!!!! I’m wide awake now and showing everyone on the Internet who cares to pop on over here and read about my psychosis that I’m completely insane. Yes, it’s true. I’m not right. And now that the Internet is back on I can go on to WebMD and diagnose myself with all kinds of brain malfunctions. All is right with the world again.