They let me into other countries! I can’t believe it either

I’m finally posting the vacation blog. There were a zillion pictures to look through to find the ones I wanted. I had to sort through nine zillion photos The Bandit took of all the stray dogs in the Caribbean and every single pigeon he saw.

Here we go…

I write this at 30,000 feet crammed into a dinky airline seat, crowded on one side by Sassy who hasn’t stopped talking in nine days and hemmed in on the other by an old man who snores and hogs the arm rest. He also may or may not have tuberculosis. I’m so ready to go home. I miss the Idiot dog, my giant, fuzzy, orange cat and my own bed. Sigh.

A cruise trip to the Caribbean over Thanksgiving, that was the proposal.

Last Friday ten members of my family climbed onto airplanes and jetted our way across the country to Florida and a Princess cruise ship. Clearly, we took everything we own with us. Sassy insisted on bringing two jeans jackets. To the

7 suitcases and 4 stuffed backpacks

 Caribbean. No amount of arguing with her could convince her to leave them at home.We spent one night in a Fort Lauderdale hotel that I’m fairly certain has either been on Cops:Broward County or Law and Order:Shit That Could Happen to You. The hotel had been specifically chosen due to it’s close proximity to the pier and because it advertised a restaurant. Nuh huh, nope. When Jethro checked us in he informed us of the sad demise of the restaurant which had apparently been torn down by the health department. Not really, but based on the state of repair for the rest of the place, my guess is probably not too far off the mark. Additionally, all the men on the staff seemed to be wearing “wife-beater” undershirts as their uniform. We had no mode of transportation, so we started the long search for a restaurant. We turned our feet to the right out of the parking lot and peered off in to the distance. Surely left would have been a better choice because, even after vetoing it and walking further, trudging for at least two miles, we came back to a Kentucky Fried Chicken. It had started to rain and we were very tired. Honestly, I don’t think we cared anymore.

Crown Princess

Saturday found us on the boat. We got mini-suites on the Emerald Deck that were very lovely. Ours had a comfy queen bed and a bunk bed for the kids. A balcony off the back was big enough for four chairs and a table. We even had a bath tub and a walk in closet.

Day One: no sunburn

Our first stop was at the island of Grand Cayman. We split from our group and boarded another ship – this one run by pirates. My kids, especially The

My people

 Bandit, had been looking forward to this particular excursion. My Honey and I laughed with glee as the pirates rounded up all the children on board and made them scrub the deck with old brushes. We laughed harder when they doused them with a bucket of water. Oh what joy! But the tables were turned, don’t you know. The pirates took me and one other lady to make examples of when the children got their revenge. We were lashed to the main mast and ice water was poured on us from above during an extensive interrogation. My Honey has the whole thing on video. You can see the camera shaking with his laughter, the jerk. His words of sympathy were limited to, “Seeing your wife tortured by pirates, priceless.” We walked the plank and swam in the gorgeous sea then lunched at Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville restaurant and resisted buying $149.00 shirts. The afternoon my family swam in the ocean and I took a nap on Seven Mile Beach.

Day Two: no sunburn. Winning!

Roatan, Honduras was next. We shopped on the pier then loaded six of us plus a driver and “tour guide” into the world’s smallest minivan. The island itself was lush and fragrant when we weren’t driving through a dirty, depressing town. We went to a monkey farm! Adorable White-faced Capuchin monkeys were everywhere.  Ava will try to tell you monkeys are not cute but I’m here to tell you that these monkeys were adorable. Quite tame, they happily climbed on your shoulders and, once to my particular glee, sat on My Honey’s head. I was expecting them to have course hair, but no, it was smooth and silky, their palms and long fingers soft and gentle. We also held a lemur – fuzzy and brown like a kitten, and fed deer, macaws, parrots and toucans. It was like being in the movie Rio. The beach on Roatan was like glass, very small waves – nothing like you’d expect growing up near the Pacific Ocean. We just floated in the teal blue water and enjoyed a relaxing soak.

Day Three: no sunburn. I’m on a roll.

Belize. Charmingly the only English speaking country in Central America. Well, it’s island-English which means you have to listen really carefully and

So much worse than any equipment in the gym

pick out the words you understand, but it sounds lyrical. Our cab driver, Jason, (Hi, I’m Jason, mon.)drove us in his car through the coastal jungle to the Mayan temples of Altun Ha. There are still distinct pyramids remaining in the area. It was easy to imagine Mayans gathering around and celebrating the Sun God or good harvest or sacrificing annoying children. My imagination ran wild. We scrambled to the tops, slipping on the moss and stones, which was like doing a thousand lunges. My fat little legs quivered like jelly. I seriously considered just rolling down the grassy side in lieu of climbing back down. Ultimately, I only fell down three

sunburn avoidance plan: note hat and shade

times which I consider a win. We vetoed the beach that day – primarily because we were exhausted.

Day Four: no sunburn. Wahoo. Maybe the curse is lifted.

Cozumel started off exciting. We went to an absolutely gorgeous resort to swim with dolphins. There were only eight people in our little group not counting the trainer and the actual dolphin. His name was Louis – the dolphin not the trainer. I don’t remember the trainer’s name. He was unimportant. Lewis was beautiful and funny and very charming as dolphins go. We all got the opportunity to pet him repeatedly and learned the hand signals to kiss him on the snout and get kissed on the cheek, dance with him and hold him while rubbing his belly. Even more exciting, we got to ride his belly while he swam upside down and then ride a boogie board while he pushed us by the feet. I might be in love with Louis. We also got to pet and feed manatees. They feel exactly like elephants, which we learned are their closest cousins. Then we walked over to the beach where I took another nap in the shade. It was a beautiful and relaxing day. We shopped on the huge pier and had lunch at Three Amigos, a fun restaurant styled after the movie. I have no idea when I got sunburned but I did. Massively. On my left arm. Oddly the right arm was not burned, or rather not to the delightful shade of magenta that my left arm was. We had lobster for dinner – Caribbean turkey. All in all, it was a lovely Thanksgiving.

Day Five: deep fried arm. The charm was broken.

Best line of the vacation by The Bandit to his sister: “You’re not the boss of me, Sassy. You don’t even speak French.”

Most annoying behavior as exhibited by Sassy: She tried out every single accent she heard on the ship which is A LOT because the crew is from everywhere on the globe. At any given moment she sounded like a Cockney Phillipino who grew up with Russian as a second language. I never knew what the hell she was saying.