Stephen King and I

Stephen and I have never had an easy relationship.  When I was much younger, I attempted to read “It”.  I don’t remember exactly why I didn’t finish the book but I do remember that I didn’t.  In all fairness to Mr. King, I was always heavily into historical romances and perhaps he was just not what I was interested in back then.

I felt fully vindicated in my ignoring him when I saw the film version of the book.  I do not like horror movies at all but not even I was frightened by IT. 

Recently, I was extremely annoyed with Stephen for condemning the writing skills of Stephanie Meyers.  Was that really something he needed to point out?  Thanks Captain Obvious!  For those of you who don’t know, Ms. Meyers is the author of the Twilight series.  Currently, it is very fashionable to bash these books and movies.  However, I don’t think he bashed her writing to appear fashionable – I think he was just being mean.

Don’t worry Stephanie.  My favorite author might be Christopher Hitchens but I have read every word of your stories and have seen all of the movies.  My eleven year old still makes us watch them on the weekends.  You have millions of fans and millions of dollars and you don’t need Stephen King!

Right about now you’re wondering why I even bring him up. Well, I’ll tell you – Amylynn loves Stephen King.  Every time

Mr. King in SOA

I admit I have no use for him; she says I would change my mind if I gave him another chance.  Just to shut her up, I said okay.  That and he was delightful on Sons of Anarchy. 

She loaned me a book of short stories and told me they were great.  Great – was the word she used.  Great.  The first story was Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption.  Having seen the movie, I dove right in.  And you know what?  It was darn good.  Some might use the word GREAT.  I was starting to think that I’d been too hasty in my dislike, so I moved on to the second short story – Apt Pupil. 

I guess it’s been a number of years since Amylynn has read these stories because surely she would not have ever given me this particular book if she actually wanted me to ever like him.

The story starts out just as well written as the first story (Yes, Stephen, you are a brilliant writer and story teller) and you keep turning the pages even while you’re supposed to be in bed sleeping because you have work the next day. 

All of this comes to a grinding halt on page 200 of the edition I have.  For those of you who have never read this story – I am not making this up – one of the main characters puts a living cat in an oven at 500 degrees.  And then he describes

EXACTLY

the cat’s suffering and death.

I am certain that Stephen is a crazy lunatic.  The paragraphs are sickening and clearly written by a deranged individual.  That’s some vivid imagination Mr. King has there, almost like he was writing from memory.

I have to admit something; I had no intention of ever reading another word written by Stephen again. Ever.  Not even if he came back to Entertainment Weekly after dropping us flat. 

After a few days, I kept wondering what happened at the end of the story.  I kept telling myself that it was just a story; I didn’t really need to know how it ended.  Another few days went by and I couldn’t stop myself.  I not only finished that story but started the third.

I hate you Stephen King, you are a sick bastard with genius writing skills.