It has come to the attention of the Sisters that our talents are being wasted on our respective jobs. Especially Bank of No Forks. You’ve never seen two people read the newspaper with such dedication as Ava and Amylynn. Once we get to giggling there’s really no hope. The things this week all derived from either reading the local Picayune or internet news. Everything here made us damn near hysterical. We only hope that we can properly communicate to you our thought processes. It may not be feasible, though, because we understand that we might be mildly retarded and we blame corporate America for that. All we know for certain is that Kelli often looks at us in bewilderment and that can’t be good.
1. Glow in the dark money. Canada is on it. Not only did they decide to stop making their version of the penny – a smart move as far as we can see – but they did other nifty stuff as well. First, let’s all agree, the penny is useless. If you give three of them to a checker so you can get a quarter back in change they spontaneously combust out of confusion. The only thing they’re useful for is giving to children to throw into fountains. So, smart move Canada. The next thing is glow in the dark money. GENIUS. How fabulously helpful for the Tooth Fairy for one. Also, we’d kind of like to take some of those to a strip club and see how that plays out. We’re totally heading up to Canada to check it out. We are going to keep an eye on our feet, though.
2. Limb repair. No, not for trees. This is a seminar we think we should go to. One of the main topics of discussion is “present-day revolution in replacement parts.” Why? Because if we’re going to go up to Canada to check out the money situation we don’t want to have to spend all that time worrying about our feet falling off. We have a LOT of shoes between the three of us and it would be a shame to have our feet “naturally separate from our bodies” with no recourse whatsoever. We’re going to sit in the audience with the octogenarians and ask a million questions until we’re asked to leave. We have to admit that we got to laughing so hard over this particular article that there was snorting.
3. GSA Spending. We’ll be honest here and admit that we had no idea what the GSA did before there was a scandal. Turns out, they’re the nations “landlords”. That’s all you need to know. We were going to apply but we may be too late now for the gravy train. We love a good money waster in Las Vegas and were totally in UNTIL we read that they spent money on clown costumes. If there’s going to be clowns then we’re not going. We don’t like clowns. We don’t like balloon animals. The two go together like crazy and straightjackets. In fact, clowns
may be the most effective Sister repellent on Earth.
4. Ted Nugent. Apparently the Secret Service is going to interview the Motor City Madman because of some things he ranted about in terms of Obama. Have they never paid attention to Mr. Nugent before this? He’s always ranting about something – out there on the stage with his compound bow and loin cloth. He’s crazy but we think mostly harmless. Except for that loin cloth thing. That really has to go. No WAIT! We meant replaced with something else. Something like pants. Yes, pants for everyone. We vote for pants. Speaking of pants…
5. Criminals. There has been a bunch of interesting ones lately. Take for example, Mr. Klundt. We like his name even if he’s not a good bank robber. We think Klundt sounds more like a Muppet or a Scooby Doo villain than a hardened criminal. That word is almost as much fun to say as Yemen. Next we have the naked protestor guy in Portland. If you are unfamiliar, he was protesting being searched at the airport. Well, if there’s one thing that will insure that no one will touch you it’s to strip down to nothing and invite them. So we googled his picture. That was a mistake. He looks very Portland-y with a giant beard. Do you suppose they let him put his clothes back on when they arrested him because no one should be expected to sit in the back of a cop car naked. That can’t be sanitary for the next guy. What we’re really wondering is who gets to decide how big the black bars are to hide the offensive parts. In this situation the bar needed to be WAY bigger. We’re just sayin. You ever notice the people desperate to be naked are never the ones you want to see naked? That seems criminal, doesn’t it?