I can’t afford bail but I can afford kitty chow

I have found the secret  to staying out of prison. Obey the law, you say? That sounds really elementary and, of course, I’d agree with you – mostly. Sometimes, though, days just progress so awfully that not slapping the crap out of someone seems too much to ask.

Today was just one of those days.

It started out bad with Sassy and The Bandit. The fact that they were still alive to go to school was testimony that I didn’t want to go to jail.

Then Bank of No Forks tortured me for nine solid hours. Nine excruciating hours of grief and pain. Of customers

wrapped in my sweater and asleep on my desk blotter

alternately screaming or crying at me. There is only so many times you can say, “Ma’am, you’re going to have to stop screaming at me if you expect me to be able to help you” before you lose your freaking patience.

I’ve never been long on patience under the best of circumstances.

The only thing that kept me from going completely postal today was Jojo. The Kitty Extraordinaire has been coming to work with me every single day.  Granted, he mostly sleeps all day – he is a cat after all, just a very, very wee one – still he is in my office. Looking cute. Except when he’s looking adorable, which is very, very good when the world is out to torment me.

He’s so calming we’ve considered calling the customers we can’t help to come down to the office and handing them the kitty before we share the bad news.

“How you doing today, Mrs. Smith? Well, you’re not really as good as you think. Here hold this tiny kitty and we’ll discuss it.”

It’s really hard to slash someone with your homemade shiv when you’re holding a teeny tiny purring machine.

As if being forced to go to the Bank of No Forks wasn’t enough, I had an appointment with the lady doctor today. I really like my doc but who wants to deal with that when you’re already in a mood? I can easily go years on end without having my feet up in stirrups. Regardless, I went. I did not bite her when she suggested that a little more exercise would be a good idea. Do you want to know why? Because of the itty bitty kitty.

When the lady at Wendy’s gave me attitude and refused to give me regular cheese instead of  pepper jack cheese on the avocado chicken sandwich I ordered, I did not scream at her and lunge through the drive-through window. I thought of wee Jojo.

And when the windshield repair people gave me a window (hahaha – I didn’t mean the pun, but there it is! Window!) of 11 – 5 for my replacement, I considered various swear words to properly express my opinion but a little tiger was tickling my feet under my desk and I swallowed my vitriol.

We don’t know how thrilled the captains of industry who run BofNF would be knowing about Jojo, but if they’re smart they’ll find fluffy little beasties for every single one of our offices to keep their people mellow.

What’s your secret that keeps you from killing your fellow employees? How about the idiot at the fast food place who can’t get your order right? Is the threat of hard jail time a deterrent or do you ponder how lovely solitary confinement sounds? What animal do you fancy under your desk? We suggest fuzzy but a small dragon might also come in handy. What would you do with a dragon? Hmmmmmm?