It’s . . . diet time!!!!!
I have a confession; I have tried almost every single diet pill known to man. And if I haven’t tried it, it’s only because I don’t know it exists. Actually, the whole thing is ridiculous since I require empirical prove for everything else in the world: unicorns, religion, ghosts, men who iron, but NO, not diet pills. Nope, I believe that somewhere out there is a magic pill that will help me easily lose weight without hunger pain and suffering or lack of cupcakes.
Like most women from the 80s, I have an obsession with being thin. I’m not crazy; I just want to weigh what I weighed before I had kids, when I thought I was fat. I’m not giving up until I make it there. After I had the second one, I made it to within 6 lbs of that elusive goal. I was able to hold on to that number until last year when Amylynn and I were repurposed into the worst jobs on the planet. Things spiraled out of control again – my fault entirely, I’ll admit – because for me, everything can be made better at a bakery. Loving and supportive sister that Amylynn is causes her to accompany me on these excursions.
What prompts this blog you wonder? Just last week, the FDA approved the first diet pill in 13 years. For me, that’s like winning the lottery. No, that’s an outrageous lie. THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS BETTER THAN WINNING THE LOTTERY TO ME. A diet pill approved by the United States government? That shit’s gotta work, right?
Amylynn was still on vacation so I texted her the good news. She sent back a word. The word was – NO. No? I had no idea what she meant by that so I texted back. I sent a word. The word was – YES.
I decided to leave it at that until she got home from vacation. In the meanwhile, I poked around on the internet for more information. One of the side effects is memory loss, maybe so you forget you’re overweight? Much to my disappointment, the new pill will not be available until next year.
But in the meanwhile, I ordered a different pill that promises to let us eat anything we want, including cupcakes, French fries and milk shakes all while losing gobs of fat. I don’t care that it cost $129.00 a bottle – you can’t put a price tag on that kind of magic!
I’ll report back with the results – I’m betting it will be a picture of a skinny me holding a slice of pie.
What are your outrageous goals? Diet pills are Ava’s Loch Ness Monster. What ridiculousness are you willing to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt? Or even more, how do you drive your friends and family completely insane?