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November 30

What happened to this year? How is it possible that eleven months just disappeared like that? Did we all fall into a coma or something? We find it really hard to believe that almost an entire year has passed and we can’t hardly remember any of it. We suspect shenanigans. Still, we do believe the calendar when it say that it is indeed the end of the year. Doesn’t that usually mean cooler weather though? That’s what we thought, too, except that it’s like 80 degrees here. It’s hard to get into the Christmas mood when you’re shopping in flip-flops and a t-shirt. All kinds of good stuff went on this week. We laughed a lot. Sometimes it was maniacal laughter when we plotted the demise of Bank of No Forks. Sometimes it was the laughter of the doomed when we discovered that in fact we had not won the Powerball and had to retract that co-letter of resignation that ended with, “Go fork yourselves.” Still, laughter is laughter. Here’s what we’ve got for this week.

1. Hijacked chocolate.  18 tons of the stuff was hijacked in Vienna. Apparently, someone pulled up a tractor-trailer and loaded 33 pallets of chocolate and drove away. We want to make it perfectly clear that Ava and Amylynn have valid alibis for this day. We were nowhere near Vienna

oh barf!

and we don’t really like chocolate that much anyway. We gotta go – we hear the beeping of our semi backing into the driveway  we hear a our mother calling.

2. Thinning the herd. So another person died under ridiculous and disturbing circumstances. This time, a fellow in Florida (why are they always in Florida?) died after winning a cockroach eating contest. The prize for the winner was an ivory ball python for Zeus’ sake. Earlier in the day he had entered a super worm eating contest. We didn’t make any of this up. How could we? The idiocy plays out when this jackass wins the contest after eating dozens of giant cockroaches. He complains of feeling sick (?!?!) and starts vomiting before collapsing in the store. He’s declared dead at the scene. The autopsy revealed he choked to death with “arthropod body parts” blocking his airways. Oh, ick.

3. Beautiful ass kickings. We’ve long thought that really beautiful people are crazy. We are the exception that proves the rule. Or we are crazy and not prepared to deal with that truth. Whatever. For the purposes of this story, we’re referring to REALLY beautiful people. The fact is, we think all the attention they get from being extraordinarily beautiful makes them bat-shit crazy. We have no real proof of this it’s just a very scientific hypothesis we made up. Anyway, Halle Berry is outrageously beautiful. That is undisputed. She had a long term relationship with another shining diamond of gorgeousness named Gabriel Aubry and they had a child together. They ended badly and have been in court arguing over their daughter. Halle has since become engaged to another stupendously attractive person, Olivier Martinez. On Thanksgiving, Olivier and Gabriel got involved in a knock down drag out fight – presumably over who is prettier. Probably. Gabriel claims not to have fought back and has released the following photo. HOLY CRAP ON A CRACKER! We’ve long held lustful feelings toward Gabriel. In fact, Amylynn used him in her head as the model of the hero in her second book. This is an atrocity. Can you even imagine what that fight looked like? We’re rushing over right now with an icepack and a New York Strip steak. Poor baby.

4. 12 Things of Christmas. PNC Wealth Management has done the annual accounting of what it would cost to give someone the 12 Things of Christmas this year. At $107,000, it’s up 6.1% from last year. Hmmmm. Here’s the thing. If Mr. Bright and Mr. Louis show up with this nonsense under the tree this year, we hope they kept their receipt. Who the hell wants nine ladies dancing in your living room? And Amylynn’s house is plenty loud already without 11 pipers and 12 drummers marching around in there. Eight maids a-milking might be alright. We do go through a lot of milk. Really, all we’re interested in is the five golden rings. And maybe a partridge. They’re kinda cute. Otherwise all those birds are going to make a real mess out of the upholstry.

5. Absurd compliments. Someone called Amylynn a “ray of light” today. She and Ava laughed about that for a good twenty minutes.  A Ray of Light. BLALALAHAHAAHAHSAHAHASHGHAH. **snort**. No Ray of Light should have the advanced aptitude for swearing as Amylynn has. Yeah, we got your Ray of Light right here, buddy.

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