January 11

We think we might be dying. The only cure is a chocolate eclair. If we can only last another 24 hours everything will be good. We get to have a cheat night on our diet tomorrow. It’s fully sanctioned by the diet bible. Not only is it sanctioned, it’s required. This has been an excruiciating nine days, but it’s all going to be worth it in six months when we’re svelt. No, we’re not delusional. Why do you keep looking at us like that. Whatever. Read these funny things and leave us alone in our misery.

1. Giant squid. They photographed a giant squid. The exciting part is they found it alive. Up to recently we’ve only ever seen these Verne-esque monsters when they’re dead and washed up on a beach somewhere. The problem with the pictures the Japanese submarine took is there is no perspective so we can really comprehend how enormous the thing is. We find this fascinating that there is so much in the ocean we’ve never seen. Who knows what’s under  there. Maybe mermaids. It’s possible. We know you can hardly believe that at no time in this post have we mentioned that we want a baby giant squid. You can rest assured that the baby squid population is safe from us. If a mermaid shows up, though, all bets are off.

This is the version we want. It can play The Streak. Or Smokey and the Bandit.

2. NHL. Sweet mother of Zeus it looks like the lock out is finally over. We’ve lost half the regular season. Tons of fans are super annoyed. There’s nothing like waiting for billionaires and millionaires to stop squbbling over minutia. Our New Years Eve plans were ruined and we’re not happy about it. Just get out on the ice and shoot some pucks, alright. Enough of this bullshit. We’re done.

3. Very quiet cars. The federal government is talking about forcing electric cars to make noise when their going slowly or idling. All this because people have forgotten to look both ways before crossing the street. Still, this news made us ponder what we’d like our cars to sound like should we get electric ones. We thought it’d be cool if you could pick a song like you do for your ringer on your phone. We vetoed the Tequila song because, while fun, it is vastly inappropriate. Then we thought how fun if you could put the ice cream man music on there and freak out all the kids in the neighborhood. What music would you put on for your car?

4. Chris Kluwe. We just found out about Mr. Kluwe, the kicker for the Minnesota Vikings. That’s a shame because he’s adorable. There’s nothing that will catch and hold our attention like a handsome man who is also intelligent and funny. Mr. Kluwe has thrown himself into a firestorm of epic proportions that landed him on the Colbert Report (see above re: intelligent, funny, handsome) with Stephen Colbert. Chris was oh so charming on the show. The letter that landed him there can be read here. You’ll enjoy his excellent use of such phrases as hedonistic debachery and cognitive dissonance. Rock on you cute little smart boys.

5. The Nominations. As a former film major and a life-long lover of movies, the Oscars thrill us every year – and we don’t just mean for the red carpet walk. Besides the fun of celebrating movies there’s always the chance of something totally wonky happening. Remember last year with Angelina’s right leg? That was weird and outrageously amusing. From what we can tell, the rest of the guys up for Best Actor don’t even need to show up since Daniel Day Lewis was nominated. Shame, really, since they did excellent work as well. Go Oscar!