You know what’s wrong with the world? We’ll tell you – because we know. The wrongness is that you go to a hamburger joint to get ONLY a delicious carb free hamburger and nothing more – thanks for the fries clueless cash register girl! – but they also sell milk shakes and frozen custard. The selfish non-dieting bastards. Thankfully the world is still a funny place. See….
1. Kids and cellphones. Amylynn’s oldest, Sassy, is nine and is campaigning for her own cell phone. That is really, really not happening. We understand that there are parents (Ava) who will entrust their children with expensive electronics, but Amylynn isn’t one of them. Apparently the Obama’s are less concerned or perhaps their children are more responsible with their belongings than Sassy is, because there were charming pictures of their kids photo bombing at the inauguration ceremonies. We love this photo. Love it. We think it’s even better than Michelle’s Inaugural Ball dress and that’s saying something.
2. Boulders. Wile E. Coyote is alive and well and living in Utah. For the first time in the history of ever, the Coyote got it right. Had Wanda Denhalter been a road runner, she’d have been toast. If you are unaware, Wanda was asleep in her king-sized bed (they’re very clear on that fact in the news accounts – you’ll see why later) when a giant boulder rolled off a cliff and crashed into her house and squished her bed. Had it been a smaller bed it would have squished her, too. As it was, she earned a broken jaw, a broken sternum, and a passel of stitches. The authorities are flummoxed as to what caused the car-sized boulder to break free of the mountain. We suspect Mr. Coyote was up there with an Acme crowbar.
3. Inauguration fare. One would expect more. We certainly would have had our dream come true if Michelle had returned our ardent request for an invitation to the Inaugural Ball. We love a good party. Instead, we got another strongly worded registered letter from the Secret Service. We’re having the whole collection laminated for posterity. We would have expected shrimp and pretty little hors ‘douvers along with our champagne. Sadly, that is not what the guests had. According to reliable sources, the guests were actually fed stale pretzels, salted nuts and Cheez-its. Three was no confirmation on the Kool-aid. Can you freaking believe that? We suppose with the economy the way it is, that’s reasonable. Still, when we sat outside with the rest of the hoi polloi, shivering in the freezing weather, we had lovely no-carb beef on a stick.
4. Subway. Can you believe that Subway has been cheating us out of an inch of bread? We can’t. If you can’t trust Subway to get a ruler out every time they put a loaf of bread in the oven, then we don’t know what is true and what is not anymore. We went in and demanded our missing inches but they showed us the door. If there’s a class action lawsuit over this, we’re totally in.
5. Big tips – huge! We went out for Chinese food yesterday. We had a hankering for delicious carb-free Chinese BBQ spare ribs. Our waitress was very non-Chinese. She was also extraordinarily loud. That’s possibly because no one else in the restaurant was under the age of 80. We sat in our lovely booth – last decorated in 1983 – and tried not to giggle when she bellowed HELLO, I’M YOUR WAITRESS. All was redeemed when she told Ava she didn’t look a day over 35. In the spirit of full disclosure, Ava is 48. It is true that she doesn’t look her age but 35 is pushing it (That’s not true, I don’t look a day over 21 – AVA). We did give her a gargantuan tip so she should continue to fling the bullshit for as long as she is able.