This was a tough week with the Boston thing and then Texas. Fortunately, the world continues to turn and human beings are notorious for doing stupid/funny/perplexing stuff. You can always count on hilarity to happen, even when you think the world is shit. We found a bunch of evidence for this theory this week. A bunch. We narrowed it down to five things – hold on to your shorts. Here we go.
1. Ducks don’t cuddle. When we read this story we honestly thought, “There but the grace of God go I.” In fact, we almost thought that there was some sort of space/time continuum thing going on because truly this could have been a story about us. The only thing that proves our innocence is that it involved a duck. Ducks aren’t fuzzy, ergo we weren’t involved. Michael Hubbard doesn’t have the same prejudices we do about the feathered creatures. He tried to smuggle his pet duck into the Honolulu courthouse. The security personnel noted that his duffle bag was squirming. He tried to deny there was an animal in there, but they weren’t falling for it. He had to leave his duck outside. Mr. Hubbard – we suggest you get a note from your doctor and find a little blue vest for your duck.
2. Egg rolls are the fifth food group. A six year old boy stole his father’s car because he was hungry for Chinese food. It was 6:00 on a Sunday morning. He managed to drive the three miles to the restaurant only to find it closed. How disappointing, right? When he left the parking lot, he hit a stop sign. The little dude was conscientiousness enough to want to have the car repaired before he went home and that’s where the police finally caught up with him. There are a couple of amazing things happening here. We’re caught between thinking he had planned the hell out of this scheme and thinking he was clueless. He could remember where the restaurant was located, but didn’t consider it might be closed at that time on a Sunday morning? He thought to fix the car, but how he was going to pay for breakfast and the repairs. Dad was asleep and knew nothing about it until he was awakened by the police to come fetch his kid. Of course he was sleeping. What the hell else would he be doing at 6am on a Sunday? This kid is either going to be a criminal mastermind or King of the Universe.
3. Some people are very aptly named. Dr. Giggleman is an elephant chiropractor. Of course he is. What else could he be? To be fair, he’s not just an elephant chiropractor. He also does adjustments on dogs, cats, snakes, hamsters, gerbils and a guinea pig. Thank you Dr. Giggleman. Not much is worse than a grumpy, misaligned gerbil. How do you even know a gerbil needs an adjustment? Does it run on his wheel sideways? Does ObamaCare cover this?
4. Le Cave’s. Where in the world can you get mango filled donuts, Mexican cookies, empanadas AND comedy gold you can laugh about for weeks? Le Cave’s Bakery. If you want to go off your diet – way off, like all-the-way-to-New-Zealand off, the Le Cave’s is the direction to go. There is a secret password to get into the place. As you approach the door, repeat to yourself in a whisper, “Push, push, push,” and
everything will be fine.
5. Morons. A guy was injured in town when he was attempting a stunt. Go ahead and roll your eyes now. You can do it again later if you want, and you probably will. The stunt was to go as follows: Put the truck in reverse, jump out of the driver’s seat, run to the back of the truck. Let the vehicle roll completely over him then jump up and run back to the driver’s seat and stop the car before it hits anything. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG? Not much really except the truck differential got stuck on top of him. Four firemen and a police officer had to lift the truck up so another firefighter could pull the unconscious idiot out from under the truck. There was no mention if alcohol was involved, but we bet from the above description you can extrapolate your own answer. Also, possibly he should consider a diet and stay away from Le Cave’s.