NEW RELEASES
March 9
Time marches onward. Politics gets crazier. Hockey teams blow their lead and make frustrated fans want to cry. Book festivals come and go. Despondent authors become even more so and consider it as a new career choice. And so it goes. Thank Zeus for these five things.
- Penguin #337.First let’s give the guy a more dignified name. #337 is unacceptable. We say either Bernard or Juliet. The authorities at the Tokoyo Aquarium are unsure of the sex of the penguin – but then they
Fly, little Bernard/Juliet. Fly!
are ignorant about a lot of things when it comes to #337. Apparently, the tubby little waddler scaled a thirteen foot wall, squeezed between some fence and made a bid for freedom. All of this with no thumbs! The aquarium folk are a little panicky and they’ve basically put out a citywide APB. I suspect its face to show up on milk cartons. The officials suspect #337 escaped due to its “curiosity and yearning for adventure.” You go little #337! The theme song today will be Lust for Life by Iggy Pop. Let’s hope no polar bears escape while he’s still out. If they meet up it’s a sure sign of the apocalypse. Never fear, we’re jumping on a plane right now to help with the search.
- Piffle. The sisters love funny words. Remember kerfuffle and snackeral? Piffle
has been around since 1878 and means “to talk or act in a trivial, inept, or ineffective way.” If there was ever a word to describe the sisters . . . This is not a new word for us, but it’s always fun when you meet up with an old friend in an unexpected way. Like going to your class reunion and finding someone you forgot all about and rediscovering that they are charming and funny – not that the Sisters are anticipating this actually happening this summer during one of their own reunions. Anyway, piffle wandered back into our lives in a WSJ political commentary about Rick Santorum. Kathleen Parker referred to his recent comments about higher education as “pure pandering piffle.” Bravo Ms. Parker. Bravo. - OREOS. Oreo turned 100 this week. Have you ever eaten a 100 year old
Oreo? Us neither but we suspect it’s still yummy. Whatever they make that white stuff out of isn’t natural but we don’t really care. If one has to buy cookies then Oreos is the way to go. Amylynn doesn’t agree with the concept of either dunking them in milk (or dunking ANYTHING in milk. **shudder** There are all kinds of issues with texture there) or pulling the wafers apart to eat the middle first. She contends that the best way is to shove the whole thing in your hungry maw at once so your whole mouth is overwhelmed with flavor. Then, and only then, wash it down with freezing cold milk. Same 
goes for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups but that’s a different birthday. Happy Birthday, Oreo. Snacks for everyone! - Lamborghini Aventador Jota. Take a look at this car would you? Did it make you all slobbery, too, or is that left over from #3? This little bit of gorgeousness sold for 2.75 million dollars to an unknown gazillionaire. It is the only one made and may, quite possibly, never be duplicated. It tops out at around 180 mph. That will get you to the store to buy Oreos super fast. As a friend said when she saw it, “You can’t go wrong with a red dress and black stilettos.” As far as we’re concerned, that’s a pretty damn apt description of the lovely Ms. Aventador.
dripping with honey - it's a Homor Simpson moment.
- Sopapillas. If you have to spend quality time in New Mexico like Amylynn and Ava have to do from time to time you quickly discover that the restaurants bring you sopapillas WITH EVERY MEAL. WITHOUT YOU EVEN ASKING. We’re not sure you’re grasping the magnitude of what we’re telling you here. The waiter will bring you dessert without you even asking! It just appears there like magic with the salsa. It may truly be the most miraculous thing since we don’t know what. Those New Mexicans have really got something going on there and we think, if Newt really wants the nomination, he should add that concept to his platform. Quickly before some crazy-ass pundit comes out against dessert, calls it a slut, and we all have to take sides on something so basic as happiness. It’s a choice, people. Embrace it.
January 20
Amylynn and Ava had to go out of town again for Bank of No Forks. We’ve left Kelli to hold down the fort and we really hope it doesn’t get too windy at home. Amylynn and Ava aren’t sure if it’s windy where they are. They’re not allowed outside – the chains on their leg shackles don’t reach as far as the door. The good news is the hotel has magic beds. Magic beds we say! Usually we don’t sleep well in hotels – strange rooms and being all alone doesn’t make for relaxation. Not this time. All you have to do is look at these beds and you’re asleep. While we were able to keep our eyes opened, these things came to our attention.
sigh
1. Johnny Depp. Stop the presses. The news has leaked out that our dear Johnny is single again. After 14 years he’s split with his long time girlfriend. We feel bad that his misfortune makes us so happy. This is a text book example of schadenfreude. That doesn’t say nice things about us, but if there’s a chance in hell….we gotta go for it. While we were snooping on the Internet it came to our attention that he’s shooting The Lone Ranger down in Mexico. That is remarkably close to our home base. In fact, we’ll have to drive right through there during Operation Prehensile Porcupine Liberation. We might just be able to liberate a little Depp as well. If the authorities give you a call, remember – you know nothing.
Follow up: We were led astray. He’s not in Mexico. It’s New Mexico. That’s a lot easier to get in and out of since you don’t even need ID to get there.
2. Excuses.We’ve been fascinated by the cruise ship debacle in Italy. Amylynn reads
In better days...before the big tilt
every newspaper account, transfixed by the unfolding ineptitude and ghastly behavior of the captain of the ship. The Sisters are all parents of small children and, thus, have heard any number of creative excuses ranging from the utterly lame, “I don’t know” and “It wasn’t me” to the rather more interesting one voiced by The Bandit last week for why his room wasn’t clean, “Blame the Republicans.” However, no one has ever heard an excuse so mind bogglingly awful as the one the captain of the grounded ship gave for the reason he was in a lifeboat while his crew and passengers panicked on the ship. He told them he “tripped and fell into a lifeboat.” Holy crap, Batman. Can you believe he even had the balls to say something so outrageous? Us either.
3. People Watching. The Sisters are card carrying members of the People Watching 
Elite. We’re like people watching ninjas. We’d like to say we went to the Mossad School of People Watching but we are totally not that subtle. Kelli spends a lot of time working in Starbucks – Ava and Amylynn think she does that just to make us jealous. It’s totally working by the way. Anyway, Starbucks has plenty of people worth watching. Amylynn and Ava have been in quite a few airports and hotels lately and, Yowza! – there are some seriously wack-a-loon people out there. Just this morning a shoeless drunkard asked us for directions to the buffet.
4. Misidentification. Congress has come to its senses a bit. All right, let’s not get crazy. When we called our 
Congressperson to voice our wants and needs pertaining to the SOPA/PIPA legislation, the person answering the phone didn’t even know what the legislative was about. That horrified us a bit. When another congressperson suggested that perhaps, as a whole, the legislative branch of government might need some advising on the technical aspects of the internet, he said, “Bring on the nerds.” It was Jon Stewart who set him straight saying, “uh, don’t you mean experts?” We just love Jon Stewart. We love everything about him from his razor sharp wit offset by his silliness to his salt and pepper hair. In fact, the Sisters might have a bit of a crush.
Take two, they're small
Ava would also like to point out that he’s left handed…like that means anything just because she is.
5. Swedish Fish. Did you know that you can buy a giant bag of Swedish Fish at the Costco? We didn’t either. Someone naively suggested that they would go stale before you eat them. Silly Rabbit. There is no way Swedish Fish would go stale in the twenty minutes it would take us to eat them. Amylynn bought some at the Walgreens (there’s one on every corner. It is our theory that they are quietly trying to take over the world. That would actually be fine since they sell Swedish Fish.) while she was out of town. Once the other girls found out she had them, she had to lock them in the room safe.