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ninjas

January 20

Amylynn and Ava had to go out of town again for Bank of No Forks. We’ve left Kelli to hold down the fort and we really hope it doesn’t get too windy at home. Amylynn and Ava aren’t sure if it’s windy where they are. They’re not allowed outside – the chains on their leg shackles don’t reach as far as the door. The good news is the hotel has magic beds. Magic beds we say! Usually we don’t sleep well in hotels – strange rooms and being all alone doesn’t make for relaxation. Not this time. All you have to do is look at these beds and you’re asleep. While we were able to keep our eyes opened, these things came to our attention.

sigh

1. Johnny Depp. Stop the presses. The news has leaked out that our dear Johnny is single again. After 14 years he’s split with his long time girlfriend. We feel bad that his misfortune makes us so happy. This is a text book example of schadenfreude. That doesn’t say nice things about us, but if there’s a chance in hell….we gotta go for it. While we were snooping on the Internet it came to our attention that he’s shooting The Lone Ranger down in Mexico. That is remarkably close to our home base. In fact, we’ll have to drive right through there during Operation Prehensile Porcupine Liberation. We might just be able to liberate a little Depp as well. If the authorities give you a call, remember – you know nothing.

Follow up: We were led astray. He’s not in Mexico. It’s New Mexico. That’s a lot easier to get in and out of since you don’t even need ID to get there.

2. Excuses.We’ve been fascinated by the cruise ship debacle in Italy. Amylynn reads

In better days...before the big tilt

every newspaper account, transfixed by the unfolding ineptitude and ghastly behavior of the captain of the ship. The Sisters are all parents of small children and, thus, have heard any number of creative excuses ranging from the utterly lame, “I don’t know” and “It wasn’t me” to the rather more interesting one voiced by The Bandit last week for why his room wasn’t clean, “Blame the Republicans.” However, no one has ever heard an excuse so mind bogglingly awful as the one the captain of the grounded ship gave for the reason he was in a lifeboat while his crew and passengers panicked on the ship. He told them he “tripped and fell into a lifeboat.” Holy crap, Batman. Can you believe he even had the balls to say something so outrageous? Us either.

3. People Watching. The Sisters are card carrying members of the People Watching Elite. We’re like people watching ninjas. We’d like to say we went to the Mossad School of People Watching but we are totally not that subtle. Kelli spends a lot of time working in Starbucks – Ava and Amylynn think she does that just to make us jealous. It’s totally working by the way. Anyway, Starbucks has plenty of people worth watching. Amylynn and Ava have been in quite a few airports and hotels lately and, Yowza! – there are some seriously wack-a-loon people out there. Just this morning a shoeless drunkard asked us for directions to the buffet.

4. Misidentification. Congress has come to its senses a bit. All right, let’s not get crazy. When we called our Congressperson to voice our wants and needs pertaining to the SOPA/PIPA legislation, the person answering the phone didn’t even know what the legislative was about. That horrified us a bit. When another congressperson suggested that perhaps, as a whole, the legislative branch of government might need some advising on the technical aspects of the internet, he said, “Bring on the nerds.” It was Jon Stewart who set him straight saying, “uh, don’t you mean experts?” We just love Jon Stewart. We love everything about him from his razor sharp wit offset by his silliness to his salt and pepper hair. In fact, the Sisters might have a bit of a crush.

Take two, they're small

Ava would also like to point out that he’s left handed…like that means anything just because she is.

5. Swedish Fish. Did you know that you can buy a giant bag of Swedish Fish at the Costco? We didn’t either. Someone naively suggested that they would go stale before you eat them. Silly Rabbit. There is no way Swedish Fish would go stale in the twenty minutes it would take us to eat them. Amylynn bought some at the Walgreens (there’s one on every corner. It is our theory that they are quietly trying to take over the world. That would actually be fine since they sell Swedish Fish.) while she was out of town. Once the other girls found out she had them, she had to lock them in the room safe.

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