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June 1

This has been a very strange week for news. Well, strange in general, actually. Short weeks always do that. Tuesday comes along and you’re all confused about what day it is, and then there’s twice the email at work, and you have all that Monday stuff to catch up on besides the Tuesday stuff and, before you know it, Thursday has arrived and it feels like it should be Friday cause you already jammed nine days into this “short” week. We’re exhausted and it’s not five o’clock yet and, honestly, it feels like it never will be and did you check the batteries in the clock lately because that can’t be right. Short weeks create run on sentances. Stop the madness! We’re going to go calm down while you check out our thoughts below.

1. Astrology. We can’t tell you how pleased we are that the astrologers have already determined who will win the presidential election. Instead of all that polling bullshit, they went to the stars and planets and whatever else and have come to the consensus that Obama will win reelection. Whatever you think of that particular outcome, you have to be pleased that the worry is over. Someone call the National Committees and let them know. Since it’s a foregone conclusion, there is simply no need to continue with the propaganda. And now we’ll all have that day freed up in November . We think we should all meet for a drink. We can toast the astrologers.

2. Florida. The Sisters are really, really concerned about Florida. If the apocalypse happens we are 100% certain that it will start in Florida and NO ONE WILL EVEN KNOW! Want proof of this hypothesis? Let’s take that freaky naked guy who ate that other guy’s face off, growled at a police officer and was shot, twice, before he died. That alone is pretty damn weird. Today his girlfriend came out to say that he must have either been drugged without knowing it or, and this is one hellacious OR, he was placed under a voodoo curse. Holy crap! She is also willing to admit, “Something happened out of the ordinary that day.” Well, that’s stating it mildly, isn’t it. This woman professes to not have believed in voodoo before but now she totally does. If things continue to deteriorate in this fashion, we’re going to strongly recommend that Disneyworld be moved. We’ll be right down with some boxes.

artist rendering

3. Alien raccoons. Believe it or not this did not happen in Florida. It was Japan. Alien raccoons. We don’t think they burst out from anyone’s chest, or even a garbage can. For those of you who don’t know, you can trap raccoons, alien or otherwise, with ham and cabbage. We had no idea. Anyway, the headline was a bit deceiving. They’re not aliens like from other planets, just boring ole “alien” like not usually there. OR it’s all a consipiracy and there totally were alien alien raccoons and they don’t want us to know about it. Think about it. It could be true. Perhaps they’re from Florida. We’re just saying…keep a vigilant eye out.

4. Pampered cows.It has come to our attention that we want to be reincarnated as cows. Yes, cows. There are a couple of reasons, not the least of which is their extraordinarily long eye lashes, but primarily its because the latest article we read about dairy farming has alerted us to the fact that these days cows are treated a hell of a lot better than the Bank of No Forks employees. First of all, the

Pretty

farmers would most certainly buy the cows forks if they had thumbs.  Already, they’re playing Chopin in the barns, giving them waterbeds to lie down on, and having chiropractors come in to give them adjustments. We’re seriously considering forming a union and demanding working conditions at least as good as cow’s have it. Although, frankly, we’re not too excited about having anything

Scruffy

squeezed for milk.

5. Thor and the Huntsman. We think it’s high time a pretty man was mentioned in this space again. It’s been a while. Fortunately, there’s Chris Hemsworth. Oh Chris. Chris. Chris. Chris. If we had any poetic talent, we’d write an ode. First he mesmerized us as Thor, then with the rest of those pretty boys in the Avengers and, now, he’s a scruffy huntsman. Chris is the man for every woman. If you like them pretty and blonde and huge you have Thor. If you like them scruffy, a little dirty, and wearing leathers you have your huntsman. Either way, you’re getting the muscles and deep, blue eyes. Chris – if you’re reading this we beg you, stay the hell out of Florida.

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