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May 11

This may be the last Five Favorite Things because surely we’ll all be dead by next Friday, drowned in our own prolific snot output. Perhaps this is how the zombie apocalypse will finally come. Maybe you should divert some of that retirement money we urged you to spend on Kleenex on machetes and shotguns instead. Don’t say you haven’t been warned. Crazier things have happened. We’ll try to distract you from impending doom with these five amusing things.

  1. Autopilot cars. Google, that bastion of knowledge and information, has transformed Prii (that’s the plural of Prius. Really. Google it. See – Google knows everything) into robot cars. They’ve been test piloting them around public streets and now they’re taking them to Vegas to show how effective they are against driving where there are a lot of distractions. Of course, there are those over-thinkers who are worried that self-driving cars are a sign of Big Brother’s influence, but we say pish. Those people clearly have not thought of the fabulous possibilities. Amylynn could sleep for ten more minutes in the car each morning. Ava’s family could stop worrying that she’s a menace to society when she’s driving her own car and Kelli could

    Those short dinosaurs are in for nothing but trouble down there.

    Facebook to her heart’s content. Genius. We want one.

  2. Stinky dinosaurs. A study was published this week in Current Biology that postulates that the dinosaurs kept Earth 18 degrees hotter than it is now. Wanna know how? By farting. Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently the sauropods were especially gassy with all the plants they ate. We’ve often considered that Earth would have been really lovely back then with all the wild, unbroken wilderness. Now we’re reconsidering. Quite frankly, instead of paradise the whole place sounds like it smelled like a frat house. **shudder**

    Not another irritating person in sight

  3. Town of the Future. They’re building it and we will come. We don’t know who “they” are but we need to make friends right quick. This town they’re building will be a 1 billion dollar scientific ghost town out in New Mexico somewhere. They plan to use it for research on everything from intelligent traffic systems (there isn’t one) to self-flushing toilets (??). Here’s the big selling point for the Sisters: no one will live there. It’s a giant, perfect fifteen square mile town void of morons. Perfect for the blogger who hates everyone else. Doesn’t it sound like heaven? No one to pester you and you don’t even have to flush your own toilet. Bliss.
  4. Haboobs. Our town had a haboob this weekend. That means we had a massive dust storm. It doesn’t mean anything about having boobs, which we do, two each as prescribed by current social convention. There isn’t anything especially funny about dust storms but we defy you not to giggle while watching the local newscasters say “haboob” over and over again, all agitated and self-important like only local newscasters can be. Habooooooob. We don’t care what most of the world thinks, those Middle Easterners must have a sense of humor to come up with that word. Haboooooob. **giggle**
  5. Western Conference Finals. Amylynn has been trying to figure out a way to mention hockey on this blog for weeks and now’s her chance. The Coyotes have moved to the Western Conference finals for the Stanley Cup and it’s a really big deal because never in the entire history of the organization have they made it this far. Also, even better, the NHL thinks they finally have a buyer that will take over the team who will leave them in Phoenix, shushing all the horrific rumors of the team leaving. Amylynn is beside herself with glee over the whole thing.  Her family just wants it to be over. Ava smiles at her like you would a slightly crazy person who might hurt you with their enthusiasm. Kelli ignores her altogether. Amylynn doesn’t care. But we suggest you save yourself and not ask her opinion on save percentages and brilliant goal tending or you’ll hear an endless ode to goalie Mike Smith. And for heaven’s sake don’t mention Shane Doan or she gets all swoony and, really, that’s sorta icky. Go Yotes!

I’m ALIVE – a very Frankenstein moment

I heartily apologize for not posting on Sunday night. I was sick as a dog on Sunday. The only time I moved from the

It's ALIVE!

couch was when I was racing to the bathroom. Is that an overshare?

Sorry.

Jojo (the cuddliest kitten EVER) and I spent the entire day on the couch, motionless, while Sassy and the Bandit destroyed the house. My Honey was out helping a friend and every once in a while I’d open my eyes and give them a weak admonishment to pick up their toys and warn them that their father would be home soon and would most likely kill them.

They ignored me entirely, much to their dismay when their father did indeed come home and lower the boom.

I lay there, considering turning on my computer and at least posting a one line apology but I couldn’t muster the energy. Pushing down the keys on my keyboard was more than my weak body could take. That flu was awful. I heartily recommend you don’t get it.

Right now, I’m watching my favorite hockey team play really well in game 5 of Round 2 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. They’re going to the Western Conference Final – something they’ve never done before. The best news of all is that it looks like my Phoenix Coyotes finally have a buyer and they’ll be staying in Glendale. That means that one of these days, I may actually get up to Glendale to see a game. It’s just that Glendale is sooooo freaking far.

The Avengers was AWESOME! It was hinted at in comments last week that my review would be biased. **hurrumph** It’s a great movie – especially if you’re a fan of superhero/action movies. We went on Friday, opening night, with everyone else on the planet. I know some people hate that, but I love a crowded theater much the same way I love shopping the Friday after Thanksgiving. A crowd just amps up the excitement.

Honestly, the movie is hysterical – so funny that the audience was often laughing over more funny lines so I’ll have to see it again. I think that’s an evil plot by the film makers, don’t you think? Robert Downey, Jr. is FUNNY as you’d expect him to be and Mark Ruffalo is a fabulous, dry wit as Bruce Banner/Hulk. Even Gwennyth Paltrow didn’t make me want to kill her – which is unusual. I do wish there had been more of Black Widow and Hawkeye – but this was really the other guys’ movie.

Do go see it, though, it’s good fun – if you’re into fun. Otherwise, go see something by Nicholas Sparks if you want to kill yourself by the end of a movie. I’m just saying.

Did you see The Avengers? Did you love it? Hate it? Who’s your favorite? You know you have one. Are you a full action Thor type or more of a cerebral IronMan person? A sneaky NightHawk type or full tilt Hulk fan? 

March 9

Time marches onward. Politics gets crazier. Hockey teams blow their lead and make frustrated fans want to cry. Book festivals come and go. Despondent authors become even more so and consider it as a new career choice. And so it goes. Thank Zeus for these five things.

  1. Penguin #337.First let’s give the guy a more dignified name. #337 is unacceptable. We say either Bernard or Juliet. The authorities at the Tokoyo Aquarium are unsure of the sex of the penguin – but then they

    Fly, little Bernard/Juliet. Fly!

    are ignorant about a lot of things when it comes to #337. Apparently, the tubby little waddler scaled a thirteen foot wall, squeezed between some fence and made a bid for freedom. All of this with no thumbs! The aquarium folk are a little panicky and they’ve basically put out a citywide APB. I suspect its face to show up on milk cartons. The officials suspect #337 escaped due to its “curiosity and yearning for adventure.” You go little #337! The theme song today will be Lust for Life by Iggy Pop. Let’s hope no polar bears escape while he’s still out. If they meet up it’s a sure sign of the apocalypse. Never fear, we’re jumping on a plane right now to help with the search.

  2. Piffle. The sisters love funny words. Remember kerfuffle and snackeral? Piffle has been around since 1878 and means “to talk or act in a trivial, inept, or ineffective way.” If there was ever a word to describe the sisters . . .  This is not a new word for us, but it’s always fun when you meet up with an old friend in an unexpected way. Like going to your class reunion and finding someone you forgot all about and rediscovering that they are charming and funny – not that the Sisters are anticipating this actually happening this summer during one of their own reunions. Anyway, piffle wandered back into our lives in a WSJ political commentary about Rick Santorum. Kathleen Parker referred to his recent comments about higher education as “pure pandering piffle.” Bravo Ms. Parker. Bravo.
  3. OREOS. Oreo turned 100 this week. Have you ever eaten a 100 year old Oreo? Us neither but we suspect it’s still yummy. Whatever they make that white stuff out of isn’t natural but we don’t really care. If one has to buy cookies then Oreos is the way to go. Amylynn doesn’t agree with the concept of either dunking them in milk (or dunking ANYTHING in milk. **shudder** There are all kinds of issues with texture there) or pulling the wafers apart to eat the middle first. She contends that the best way is to shove the whole thing in your hungry maw at once so your whole mouth is overwhelmed with flavor. Then, and only then, wash it down with freezing cold milk. Same goes for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups but that’s a different birthday. Happy Birthday, Oreo. Snacks for everyone!
  4. Lamborghini Aventador Jota. Take a look at this car would you? Did it make you all slobbery, too, or is that left over from #3? This little bit of gorgeousness sold for 2.75 million dollars to an unknown gazillionaire. It is the only one made and may, quite possibly, never be duplicated. It tops out at around 180 mph. That will get you to the store to buy Oreos super fast. As a friend said when she saw it, “You can’t go wrong with a red dress and black stilettos.” As far as we’re concerned, that’s a pretty damn apt description of the lovely Ms. Aventador.

    dripping with honey - it's a Homor Simpson moment.

  5. Sopapillas. If you have to spend quality time in New Mexico like Amylynn and Ava have to do from time to time you quickly discover that the restaurants bring you sopapillas WITH EVERY MEAL. WITHOUT YOU EVEN ASKING. We’re not sure you’re grasping the magnitude of what we’re telling you here. The waiter will bring you dessert without you even asking! It just appears there like magic with the salsa. It may truly be the most miraculous thing since we don’t know what. Those New Mexicans have really got something going on there and we think, if Newt really wants the nomination, he should add that concept to his platform. Quickly before some crazy-ass pundit comes out against dessert, calls it a slut, and we all have to take sides on something so basic as happiness. It’s a choice, people. Embrace it.

February 10

Well, here we are again. Another Friday. This means that we’ve all survived Monday through Thursday again. That’s saying something since the kid’s grades came out this week, Amylynn caught some sort of Typhoid/Legionnaires/Tuberculosis hybrid, and the Republicans are still making complete asses of themselves. Let’s hope the third week in February is less exciting shall we? It’s probably a futile hope, but we should still make an effort. Even though there wasn’t a lot to recommend this week, there was still some funny stuff.

1. Rachel Gibson.We just got an ARC (Advanced Readers Copy) of her latest book, Rescue Me. It’s a May release so we read it three months early (You’re totally jealous!). For all you Rachel Gibson fans out there, it’s really good, chock full of her trademark wit and superior storytelling. Amylynn especially loves Rachel’s current series because the heroes have focused on the fictional Seattle Chinooks Hockey team – although this latest one only has the barest glimpse of hockey, it does carry over a character from the most recent book. However, because this one is still on the fringes of Amylynn’s favorite sport, she did actually squeal when Rachel mentioned her favorite hockey team, the Phoenix Coyotes. One player was mentioned by name as a favorite of the character in the book – Ed Jovanovski. Unfortunately, Jovi was traded back to Florida in 2011. Rachel picked the wrong player. Shane Doan is the preferred player on the team and always will be. We like him best even if Jovi was still around. If that panda bear smuggling operation turns out alright, Mr.

This isn't the actual cake. We didn't want you to get any crazy ideas...

Doan is next.

2. White cake. The Sisters have found the place of the finest white cake in all of cake making history. We’re not telling you where it is. We told you about the red velvet cupcakes and look how that turned out. You people aren’t to be trusted. If, however, you’re exceedingly nice to us (read: you don’t aggravate the crap out of us on a regular basis) we’ll bring you a piece. Oh, how we love this cake. It comes in pieces about 2×4 inches and all the sides are covered with fabulous white sprinkles and butter crème frosting. Really it’s like having a piece of wedding cake without having to attend a hideous wedding where you have to pretend that drunken aunts doing the chicken dance is cute.

3. Bunny racing.Did you know that there is such a thing as bunny racing? Amylynn saw it on The Amazing Race last season and it was adorable. The WSJ

We're going to get one just like this one and name him Hector

reported on it again today. Fuzzy bunnies are trained to run obstacle courses with steeples to jump. You’ve never seen anything so cute as floppy-eared bunnies hopping down a lane and popping over little hurdles and stiles. It seems that this “sport” originated in Sweden were apparently all the best bunnies live, and now the activity is catching on in England. We are so in. It seems like bunnies would be more fun to cuddle and cost a lot less than horses. When asked how to pick the perfect bunny, a preeminent bunny trainer suggests, “ You want [a bunny with] a cool, positive attitude.” You can tell the cool bunnies cause they’re off smoking behind the hutch and talking about cars.

4. The Dowager. We love Maggie Smith in any project she takes on. Most recently, Ms. Smith is one of the stars of Downton Abbey, the hugely popular PBS series about the inner workings and lives of a titled English family during World War 1. Kelli is a huge fan of the show and, one of these days, Amylynn and Ava are going to take the time to watch the first season. Maggie Smith plays the Dowager and, because of her station in life, pretty much gets to say whatever she wants. We read the following quote, “I’m a woman, Mary. I can be as contrary as I choose” and decided she was brilliant. We’re going to have t-shirts made.

5. Map Guy. Amylynn and Ava took the opportunity at lunch today to torture the employees at a map store. Ava’s latest work in progress required that she find a topographical map in order to get a real handle on one of the major premises of the plot. It’s not like when create our wants and needs we intend them to be impossible on purpose, it just works out that way. If ever you find the need for a map, we suggest you try our guy. Not only was he really patient and helpful, he was also kind of funny. Kind of funny trumps a lot of other concerns. Concerns like: #1 why could we hear chirping birds INSIDE the store and #2 why did it smell like they were ironing in there. We never did find out the answers to those questions, but Map Guy did find what Ava was looking for – mostly – for a miserly $11.95, which fits nicely within the austerity guidelines Ed has set for Ava. Map Guy probably had to go lie down after we left, but we thought he was lovely.

January 13

Ooooh, Friday the 13th. Don’t talk to people in hockey masks. Well, unless they’re Mike Smith from the Coyotes. He’s been rockin’ it lately. But then we don’t think Mike Smith is a serial killer. In fact, there haven’t been any NHL players proven to be serial killers. So let’s recap: Don’t talk to people in hockey masks who you suspect are serial killers. You know, we think that might be a pretty good life philosophy in general. That’s enough talk about serial killers – they’re not even a little bit funny. The following stuff, however, is funny, life affirming and generally amusing.

1. Willie Nelson. It has come to our attention that Willie owns a house in our town. Apparently, he visits when he’s not trying to get his pot filled tour buses through border check points. One of our husband’s friends was at a little bar in town and saw him there. The friend sidled up to Mr. Nelson and asked what he was doing there since he didn’t have a show in town. “I have a house here,” Mr. Nelson informed him. You know what this means, don’t you? Now we have to spend all our time sitting in an old cowboy bar like Pancho and Lefty stalkers so we can tell him he’s Always On Our Mind before he’s On The Road Again. We’re Crazy like that. What are the odds that Waylon Jennings might visit because that could potentially put us over the top.

2. Fish Oil. Ick. Ava read somewhere that it helps you lose weight. The doctor says it lowers your cholesterol. All we know is that we’re eating fish oil pills like their freaking candy instead of following a sensible diet. Our theory is, the fish oil makes the fish skinny so why not us. Have you ever seen a fat fish? No, you haven’t. Whales aren’t fish. They’re fat little mammals just like the rest of us. We’re not sure how they get fish oil. We assume they squeeze fish until it all leaks out. We also hope fish oil has the benefit of making us smarter. You be the judge.

3. Employee of the Month. We’re all so proud that we know the Employee of the Month at the The Library of Stuff No One Cares About. This is quite an achievement and it should look excellent on the resume he’s handing out while begging other companies to employ him. We’re sure he’s an excellent librarian since we know for certain he knows his whole alphabet. We think he was a shoo-in since he doesn’t usually sleep at his desk like SOME people he knows. We think we should celebrate. Let’s go to a little bar we know and hang out with a Red Headed Stranger.

4. Target. What is there to say about Target? It’s like the Quill Sister’s Holy Land. Pretend like the Pharmacy counter is the Wailing Wall and the clearance section in the women’s department is La Pieta. If you wander over to the paperback books on a Tuesday it feels just like Mecca. We’re there at least once a week to pester poor Ichabod the Pharmacist or to buy forks for the Bank of No Forks or to replace yet another winter coat for a six year old who’s going to get this one stapled on his little shoulders if he doesn’t cut that crap out. The magic doors open, you hear a choir of angels herald your arrival and the Starbucks lady starts up your latte. AND you can get an adorable cardigan for 4.99. LAAAAA!

5. Yoga postures.Perhaps the people who came up with the names for yoga poses weren’t getting enough oxygen to their brains. The Turtle looks nothing like a turtle. Locust? Who

Riiiiiiiiight

wants to look like a locust, and just exactly how svelte is a locust anyway? Sun Salutation? We don’t salute anything unless it’s got butter cream frosting on it. You should be able to remember what the poses look like by their names. When that stupid little girl in front of the class tells you to do King of the Dance you should be able to remember that has nothing to do with the Hustle and John Travolta. How about a little truth in advertising here? Half Moon posture? What the hell? Accomplished posture? We seriously doubt it. Corpse Posture and Half Spinal Twist Posture – that we can buy into.

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