No matter what you think you know, Ava will assure you she is not sick. What she has is allergies. “Allergies!” she’ll yell at you. You won’t be convinced because while she’s yelling at you her nose is running and her voice is raspy with congestion. Then she’ll immediately commence coughing. Sure, she’s not sick. ***Eyeroll*** Amylynn’s been trying to get sick so she can stay home from work, but it’s not working out. She’s drank from Ava’s cup, used her straw, nibbled off of her cupcake. No luck. Fit as a fiddle, unless you count a bad attitude. That’s flourishing without the help of bacteria. Anyway, everything is pretty much the same as usual with the Sisters – denial and bad attitudes. Check and check. Here’s some of the funny things we found this week.

1. We’ll keep this in mind. A man was bow hunting in Montana when things went horribly awry. Don’t worry; he’s recovering nicely. Recovering from what? A bear mauling. Guess how he saved himself. No playing dead for Chase Dellwo (whose name doesn’t have enough letters). Nope, when faced with a 350 – 400 pound male grizzly who promptly knocked him off his feet and bit his head, Chase thought of his grandmother. Grandma had given him an article a long time ago that stated large animals have a bad gag reflex. So, while the bear was biting his leg and tossing him in the air, Chase decided to give the theory a try. He then shoved his arm down the bear’s throat. Seems counter productive, but it

Suitcase with money, buried in ground, elevated view

worked. Chase now has stitches and staples in his head. It seems like this is something that could someday happen to the Sisters. Amylynn votes that Ava prepare her arm the next time we head into the woods. Hahaahahahaha. We never go into the woods.

2. Some people deserve to get caught. Let us ask you a quick question. If you and a cohort were able to rob a bank – let’s say it was an inside job and you worked for the armored truck company – do you think you’d be so pedestrian and uncreative as to bury the loot in your yard? Really? Two idiots and one wife (who clearly didn’t think things through when she got involved with these bozos) robbed the armored car they drove of 1 million dollars from Bank of America. The FBI found $600,000 in 100s and 20s in a plastic bin, wrapped in plastic and duct tape, buried in their yard. We are 100% certain if the Sisters ever attempt something like this we’d find somewhere WAY better to hide it than in the stupid yard. We’re not telling you WHERE we’d hide it, but its way, way better.

3. A real role model. A lady in Indianapolis discovered a home intruder. Did she shriek and cry? Maybe, but she also kicked his ass. Karen Dolley is a 43-year-old woman who we imagine surprised the crap out of the intruder when she threw punches at him until he was cornered and then she “subdued” him with a Japanese sword she keeps near her bed. She learned how to fight when she participated in events with the Society of Creative Anachronism (renaissance fairs and such). Also, mentioned in the story as a bit of a side note, she skates with a roller derby team. We suggest that the criminal community post Ms. Dolley’s address on their bulletin board and steer clear. Rock on, Karen!

4. Wait for it. A couple of years ago we talked about the four lion cubs who were born in our zoo. It was super exciting. We’re very sad to report one of the lions died this week from Valley Fever. It’s a dreadful disease and losing the baby is horrible. OK, you say, when does this get funny? For god’s sake we don’t read this blog for depressing dead lion stories. Jeez. We present you this picture. This is all four of the siblings. We’d like you to note the lion on the far right sitting on his sister. Or brother. We don’t know. We don’t know which one of these is Bakko, but we hope it’s not that goofy one. This is such a great show of how siblings treat each other – whether human or feline. There’s always one of them sitting on someone else.

5. HOCKEY SEASON!! It has begun! Amylynn’s team is doing awesome! There is happiness and joy! YAY!!!!! Also, there is nothing funnier than hockey announcers. They’re almost 1/2 the fun. Just the other day one of them said, “He’s firing muffins at the net.” BAHahahahahaahaha. That’s good stuff.

Our regular job had a whole new phone system installed and today was the day of the actual switch. It was several months coming and the change was epic.

At noon things started moving.

By the time Ava and I came back from lunch, the new phones with their spiffy computer screens and flashing lights sat hunkered down on our desks. Even though we’d been in a training class for it, we’re totally intimidated.

It kept making noises–strange beeping and musical tones–especially when I wasn’t even touching it. And randomly paging people. All of a sudden someone would be saying, “Amy? Amy?” and before I could pick up they were gone. Mysterious.

It took my fifteen tries to figure out how to dial out. Add nine? Don’t add nine? Oh yeah, add the area code. Dammit add the nine too. BAH!

You’d think the voice mail system would be fairly simple, but I don’t know what the hell was going on there. The blinking lights merely mocked me.

Tomorrow is Friday and hopefully that means another day of telephone hijinks. Honestly, we could use the laugh.

I saw this on Facebook. Our writer friend Alica posted it and it might be one of the best news stories I’ve ever read. I was going to save it for Friday and use it for one of our Favorite Things, but I couldn’t wait.

Seriously. Best. News. Story. EVER.

The first line is possibly the finest line in journalism ever written.

Prepare yourself. Here we go.

A former meerkat expert at London Zoo has been ordered to pay compensation to a monkey handler she attacked with a wine glass in a love spat over a llama-keeper.

Am I wrong? Doesn’t that roll off your tongue like poetry? Shakespeare himself couldn’t have written anything more majestic.

It follows up with the some boring stuff and then wraps up with this little gem.

Westlake [meerkat expert] had claimed that Sanders [monkey keeper] punched her first, and said she did not remember hitting her colleague with the glass.

She was fired by the zoo after the incident.

Well, the firing is a shame. Think how exciting the news story following the Christmas Party would have been.

Oh dear. Honestly we can safely say that every single baby animal is so cute it hurts.

My Honey had band practice on Saturday and Sassy was involved in a sleepover. That left me and the Bandit alone to come up with someway to entertain ourselves. I thought we should do something that didn’t involve what we usually do together: fight over homework or the state of his room.

I thought a nice date would be perfect.

I got us tickets to see Hotel Transylvania 2 at The Roadhouse Cinema. He’s never been to the Roadhouse and I thought he’d really enjoy it. It’s one of those theaters that has the leather reclining chairs and serves a full menu.

We got there early and found our seats. He was pretty impressed by the chairs even before he sat in one. When I showed him where the electronic switch was that reclined the back and lifted the legs he looked at me in awe. “Why aren’t we always at this theater?” He then proceeded to go up and down approximately fifty-two times, which is actually twice less than the amount of times I did it on my first visit.

He was even more impressed when the pretzel with cheese and mustard sauce arrived along with chocolate popcorn. The concept of pushing a button to summon a waiter was like an epiphany in the theater going experience. “Push the button again. Tell them to hurry up with our sodas.” I fear that if my son goes to this theater too often he’ll turn into Napoleon.

Another bright spot was the preview for the new Peanuts movie. Personally, I can’t wait. I have a real soft spot for Woodstock and Schroeder and Linus and Pigpen. I’m pretty fond of Marcie and Snoopy and The Little Red Haired Girl, too. And all the music.

Our movie was funny, although The Bandit found the first to be funnier. What I enjoyed was trying to figure out the all the celebrities doing the voices.

And my chocolate popcorn.

I want you all to know that I just took a test – Who’s Your British Celebrity Husband.

I realize I’m already married – happily so – but, you know…British.

(Photo by Ian Gavan/Getty Images)

You can imagine how excited I was when, after answering all the questions, the results came back with the delightful news that I am ideally paired with Tom Hiddleston!

I can’t tell you how perfectly happy this makes me. Charming. Good looking. Talented. Witty. Glorious accent.

I’d also like to point out to Ava that he’s 6’2″. Have you ever noticed how many movie stars are 5’9″? We’ve noted this phenomenon over and over. It’s crazy. The other perfect Tom, Tom Hardy, and Ava’s fave Jared Leto — both 5’9″ and there’s so many others.

Anyway, my new fiancé is a wonderfully tall. If you want to take the test and see how well you fair, pop over here.

Please let me know if you manage to get Alan Rickman. Oh, dear Alan Rickman. I’d be willing to change my entire lifestyle for the answer to come up Alan Rickman. Alan is the voice of my dreams. Don’t believe me? Close your eyes and listen.

You’re welcome.

Ava’s out of town all week leaving me to deal with work all by myself. Mark my words, this will not end well.

A new Simon’s Cat! Here’s what’s funny–Jojo Kitty is fine getting in his cat carrier. We’re pretty sure he thinks we’re just taking him places where his adoring fans can worship him in person.

Sometimes we don’t have anything good to say. Don’t get us wrong; we have plenty to say, it’s just that we suspect it isn’t very interesting. Or intelligent. Or funny. We can babble like nobody’s business. Not today however. Today the babble seems to have escaped us. Here’s some funny stuff. We hope. Good grief we don’t even know anymore.

1. Whose cow? Remember Chris the Sheep? He has a compatriot in New Hartford, NY. This time it’s a cow. No one knows who she belongs to, but she’s been roaming around the countryside for months now. She’s even been seen jogging down the road until she bolts off into the woods. A real lone wolf. She’s a rebel who will not be caged or caught. They’ve rigged up a plan to capture her but the Sisters are rooting for the cow. You go cow!

2.  What was Plan B? A guy in New Hampshire didn’t want his car towed. It didn’t matter that he’d parked illegally. When he arrived back on the scene and saw his car hooked up to the tow truck he sorta lost his mind. His best course of action was to then set his car on fire. That seems appropriate. Sorta like that bullshit “If I can’t have you, no one will” crap. Of course the firemen showed up. And then inevitably the cops. Now he’s arrested and charged with arson and his car is burned AND impounded. Brilliant. There’s no word on why having it towed was so untenable. **eyeroll**

 3. What was Plan C? This time it was a woman in Utah that made us say, “Wait, what?” She was angry at her boyfriend. Really angry apparently because she decided to burn down his house. With bacon. Really. She put a whole bunch of bacon on the stove and turned on all the gas burners. Oh, and by the way, her last name is Crispi. We couldn’t make that stuff up. By the time the cops showed up, the bacon was burnt and smoke was pouring out the front door. And Ms. Crispi was drunk. We suspect you’re as shocked by that revelation as we were.

4. Plan D isn’t much better. Let’s turn our attention towards Vermont for a bit, shall we? Here’s another fellow who didn’t really think things through. Kristopher Pregent didn’t like his job at a chocolate factory. First off – no one likes their job. Duh. Still – chocolate factory sounds…awful? So he decided the best course of action was to steal a co-workers cell phone and make a false bomb threat using a different co-worker’s name. Obviously he was fired. Calling in sick sounds a whole lot less…illegal. The whole incident should look outstanding on his resume. He might as well go get a face tattoo. Of a Hershey Kiss. Blahahahahahaha.

5. Where exactly is it? Meet Franchesca. She’s an Angora bunny. She’s also a record holder for the bunny with the longest hair and 14.37 inches. Honestly, we can’t see a bunny in here. We see a pile of hair. How can this thing even hop? Are there legs? Where are its ears? This picture confuses us. Don’t get us wrong. We’re happy to allow this animal to wander into our homes and take up long-term residence. We’re not sure we have the time to keep this hair under control. Perhaps braids are the answer. A  corn rowed bunny. That would be pretty damn cute.

On Tuesday morning, I was hustling the kids out the front door for school. It was a great morning – no one was fighting, homework seemed to be present and accounted for, lunch boxes were in their back packs. Tuesday was totally working out.

Until…

I opened the door of my car and it looked like a hurricane had gone off in there.

Like an idiot, I stared at all the debris with my jaw hanging open. It confused me. Why would the console be open and everything I had tucked away in there be strewn all over the seats and floor?

I called My Honey. “Please tell me you rifled through my car before you headed off for work today.”

“No,” he said. “Why would I do that?”

“Because if you didn’t then someone broke into my car last night.”

Or a cup full of pens?

Once I put it all together, it was obvious that is what happened.

In a chance in a million, I actually think Dave was unlocked. We’d been to the grocery store the night before. I think after the 75 million trips back and forth from the kitchen to the car, the alarm was never armed.

I know, right? God damn it. Well, at least it saved the window from being smashed.

They took the strangest things. A cup full of pens including 2 Tootsie Roll Pops and a pair of manicure nippers. I have absolutely no idea what they wanted with a cup full of pens, but I seriously lament the loss of the lollipops and the nippers.

Also, they took two envelopes of receipts and my checkbook.

When I called the banks to alert them to this pending disaster, the super nice lady at Wells Fargo said something really cute. “At the risk of sounding like your mother, dear,” she said, her tone gentle, “you shouldn’t leave your checkbook in your car.”

Sigh. I know. I was an idiot.

I have to go and close all my bank accounts and reopen them. It’s a nightmare.

I continue to be baffled by the cup of pens, though. Especially when they didn’t take any of the electronics. Not my

Actually, this kid looks older

satellite radio or my Bluetooth devices. None of it.

Ava made me call the police in case there is any thing that comes from identity theft. From my office I contacted them via the non-emergency number. They told me to call when I got back home so they could collect the tools the thieves left in my car since I was so helpful as to leave Dave unlocked.

I called them again at 6pm and told them to come. At 7pm they called me and said the officers were busy at emergencies, but that they hadn’t forgotten about me. I was patient. After all, this was definitely NOT an emergency.

I called them again at 10:30 just to check in with them ’cause my understanding was running a bit thin after four hours. The dispatcher promised they would call my cell phone when they were en route so as to not ring my doorbell and wake up the entire house.

At 11pm I met a policeman on my front porch. He was approximately twelve years old. I wanted to ask him if his mother was cool with him being a cop. He was too young for such a dangerous job. I thought about offering him some chocolate milk while we wrote the report, but I thought he wouldn’t appreciate that. Was he even old enough to drive the cruiser?

My plan of not disturbing my household was completely ruined by the fact that my idiot bloodhound Rosco stood on the couch and stared out the window at me and the policemen and bayed for twenty solid minutes. The windows were vibrating from it.

The cop asked how it was possible we didn’t know Dave was being broken into with a dog like that. I informed him that my dog was useless when it came to things like guarding the house. Although one time he treed a stray cat on my floor lamp, but that’s not really helpful at 3 o’clock in the morning either. As far as dogs go, he’s not very good a dogging. I’d have had better luck if I chained the cat to the bumper and let him glare at the thieves.

All in all, I was too discombobulated to really appreciate National Coffee Day. That, my friends, may be the true tragedy to this story.

Well, and maybe the Tootsie Roll Pops.