We had to go to the craft store this weekend to get supplies for the boy’s social studies project. We took the opportunity to look at absolutely everything in the store. We can’t help ourselves, especially at Halloween. We LOVE Halloween.

They had pet costumes. I’ll bet you can see where this is going.

There was one I particularly liked–a shark for a small dog or a cat. Oh, I decided with my hands clasped to my chest, Jojo Kitty would look so cute as a shark. I was already humming the Jaws theme music as I carried the thing to the cashier.

“You’re never going to get that cat of yours into that costume,” My Honey said to me.

“Sure I will,” I noted with confidence. “That cat lets me do whatever I want to him.” It’s true. I scoop him up all the time and zerbert his belly and force him to be cuddled whether he wants to or not. Sometimes he’ll push my face away with a foot, but I don’t. He’s a cat. What other appointments could he possible have?

The instant we walked back in the door from our outing, Jojo was bundled up into my lap. Before he could get up a decent meow of protest I’d squished his head into the shark’s mouth.

Here’s where things started to turn.

Joe’s middle was too…broad for the straps to go underneath. And his back was too long for the dorsal fin to be in the right place. The shark’s tail hit him well before his own tail started.

The whole thing was too small. I often forget that my baby is quite a bit bigger than a Yorkie and a hell of a lot bigger than a Chihuahua. I’m so, so disappointed. I’m completely certain Joe is equally disappointed.

Just look at that face. Does it not spell disillusionment? No candy for you this year, Jojo Kitty.

I was pretty excited about the eclipse tonight. Looked forward to sharing it with my family because the last one came in the middle of the night and I watched it alone, in the bed of the pickup, with a cup of coffee.

This time I wanted them to see how cool it is.

So when I hopped off the couch at 6:20 and ran out to the front yard, Sassy followed me. It was just starting. I sent her back in to fetch her father and brother.

We all stood by the street and watched the moon rising and simultaneously disappearing while cars drove by and the drivers looked at us weird. Neighbors came in and out of their homes. Still we stood there.

Things were moving very slooooooowly. Seriously, slowly.

The Bandit called his sister fat so I made him go sit with his father. Someone complained about getting a sticker in their foot.

The Moon was just about half way covered when Sassy wanted to know when the cool stuff was going to start. I sighed.

“What happens with an eclipse again?” she asked. I briefly explained the science. She got back on Facebook.

By this time, the Moon was more than half covered. A bit of red tinge was appearing around the left side.

My Honey played on his phone while sitting on the tailgate of the truck. In all fairness, this whole thing was moving really slowly.

Finally the moon cleared the trees and we all climbed up on the tailgate to watch.

The Bandit sat too close to Sassy so they fought about that. Loudly.

My Honey farted.

Then Sassy was breathing too close to The Bandit, so they fought about that. Loudly.

“You’re ruining the eclipse for me,” I told them. More than 3/4 of the moon was dark.

Sassy threw The Bandit’s shoes into the street. Guess what they did. Yep. Loudly.

My Honey mentioned that we needed a soundtrack for the event. “Some Credence Clearwater Revival,” he suggested. We sang as much as we could remember while he found it on the internet.

My children found that annoying. So they fought about it.

“Seriously, you’re ruining the eclipse for me,” I said again, but no one cared.

My Honey said that there was something he probably should tell us. “I’m going to become a werewolf after this.”

“Cool,” I noted, staring up at the sky. “I need a good excuse to call in for work tomorrow.”

I told him how the crazies out there were certain all of this was a harbinger of the apocalypse. Which, I might point out is also an excellent reason to call in sick for work.

We made it until the moon was completely covered. My children were unimpressed with the “blood” part of the eclipse. Then they fought about whether it was cool or not.

Next time I’m watching my amazing astronomical events by myself with a nice quiet cup of coffee.

So, how’s that First Day of Fall treating you? It’s supposed to be in the upper 90’s here today. With wind. That’s how we do autumn in the desert – hot wind. Yay. It doesn’t matter though. There’s still plenty of pumpkin spice flavored crap if you’re into that sort of thing. Honestly, the mystique of that flavor is lost on us. We don’t have a problem with pumpkin pie, but that’s really all we’re interested in. And maybe pumpkin cheese cake because, cheese cake. But we don’t need pumpkin spice flavored donuts or coffee or pizza. For Zeus’s sake. When will this trend peter out? Enough already. Of course the other way to know it’s fall is that there’s Christmas decorations up in the Hallmark stores. The craft stores have had that crap out now for three months. Rather sickening. Anyway, we’re going to drink our regular old five dollar latte. Whatever you chose to imbibe is your business. Get a cup of it and settle in. Here we go.

1. Puppies in purses! This card came in the mail to the Sisters and we immediately went on line to order two. We love the color! We love the styling! We’re over the moon about the silver hardware! We’re crazy about the triangle ears! What a steal at $595.00! Imagine the crushing disappointment when we discovered that, after ordering the purse online, no puppy was shipping with it. What the hell? Not such a bargain now, huh? We’d already named our puppies and everything. We were prepared to

THIS is the tuba? Really? We call cheating!

buy little Coach collars for our babies – every little thing Coach offers for the stylish Yorkie. The Sisters have decided we’re suing Coach for false advertisement and pain and suffering.

2. Seriously, nothing better to do? A student from the University of Oregon, who just happens to be classically trained in the art of tuba playing, has made the Guinness Book of World’s Records. No, he didn’t play the tuba for seventy-two straight hours or anything spectacular like that. No, Sean Turner toted his tuba all the way up Mount Kilimanjaro. Once atop the highest peak in Africa, he played the school fight song, “Mighty Oregon”. All of this was documented by his university professor (who, it turns out, is also his father) whom he conned into coming along to film it. There is no further explanation in the story we read for why any

Reginald? Owen? Dominic?

of this happened. We Googled it and a tuba weighs somewhere between 25 and 32 pounds. Okey dokey then. We hope he got free tuition.

3. Here kitty, kitty, kitty. We’ve talked about this handsome fellow before – here and here. It turns out the Fish and Game people are holding a contest to name him. They hope that by doing so it will encourage people to care more about him. You better believe, Fish and Game People, that the Sisters care plenty about this kitty. We have all kinds of suggestions for naming him. Back in April 2014 we suggested Carl. It’s got a nice man’s man ring to it. How about Arnold? Bernard seems like a dude that likes a nice cuddle. Weldon isn’t even too far off the beam. Mostly we’d like to call him ours. There’s all kinds of ruckus because his habitat is right where some people want to build a mine. We’re sure you can imagine how

What were they expecting?

that’s going. Anyway, we’re happy to let him hang out with us. We’ve already got experience owning a Jaguar. OK, it’s a car, but it’s still big and requires a lot of attention. Give us a call. Percy can move in any time. (We’re not sure about that last one. We were just trying it out.)

4. Wait a minute. What? We read the following story and had a immediate reaction. “A 24-year-old man has been charged with elder abuse after authorities say he punched a 78-year-old man over free Nutella waffle samples at a Los Angels-area Costco store.” Wait, just a damn minute. Are they saying there is such a thing as Nutella waffles? We’ll bet that was exactly what you were thinking too, because – HELLO! NUTELLA WAFFLES. The story continues like this: “…say he was hoarding samples of the waffles at the Burbank Costco on Sunday morning when the 78-year-old told him to take just one. Prosecutors say Derrick Gharabighi then punched the older man in the face.” Yikes. When they say “hoarding” how many is that exactly? Are we talking like five? Fifteen? Forty-seven? This is an important bit of information left out. Maybe what it comes down to is that Costco should train their people not to interfere with crazed people when it comes to Nutella waffles. You can pretend all you want that you’re civilized internet people, but you don’t know how you’d react when it comes down to it.

5. Meet Sheldon, Get it? This adorable little thing must have gotten lost and wandered into Ava’s driveway this week. He looked tired so Ava let him stay, and now he’s going to live there! You can only imagine how surprised Ava was to see him. She didn’t even know there were rogue Mini Coopers running around loose in the neighborhood. Here’s the exciting thing. The only people who know how to drive him are Ava’s husband, Ed, and Amylynn! Oooooh! So much excitement. Look, we just want him to feel welcome in his new house. We feel like that might be best demonstrated by finding out just how fast he can corner.

We love Beaker and Bunsen Honeydew over at the Bright Compound. Honestly, this gives a whole new perspective to this song. I never really thought of it as sad, but Beaker has made me see the light

Oh. My. God. I am so irritated.

I got a ticket in the mail today from one of those blasted red light cameras.

BAH!

Here’s the thing. I totally did it. I can’t complain. The picture taken of me as I skated through the intersection on the end of a yellow light clearly shows me at the wheel. It also looks like my mouth is in the middle of forming an epic, “Oh SHIT!” I’d also like to point out that I look like crap in the picture. Is it possible that I always look this bad? Cause I’m not depressed enough about getting a ticket and now I have to look at this photographic proof? There’s a link to a video. I don’t think my psyche can stand that.

The cost of the ticket is $337! Sweet Mother of Zeus! Can you believe that? I haven’t gotten a ticket in at least 15 years, and I knew the instant this one happened. Also, I’d like to point out that the tickets states I was traveling at 16 mph in a 40 zone. Shouldn’t I get brownie points for that?

Here’s the thing, though. They sent it to my maiden name, a name I haven’t had legally also in 15 years. Do I have to pay this ticket if they don’t even know my damn name? My driver’s license is in my legal name. What the hell?

OK – since this is not the reason I want to go to jail…

My options include Driver’s School – in person or online. I went to the website to see how much THAT was going to set me back and this is what I found on the list of Certified Driving Schools.

Sir Waldorf Bentley’s School for Naughty Drivers

Slow Your Pony

Comedy Traffic School

Easy Peasy Defensive Driving

Piece of Cake Traffic School

Super Fly Defensive Driving

Obviously I’m going to select the one that references dessert. This whole thing shouldn’t totally suck.

I can almost guarantee that I’d do this on accident. It’s also entirely possible I’d do this on purpose, because wouldn’t you be dying to know? I would. Still, the odds are that I’d stick my hand in my purse for my wallet and I’d go down twitching at the local Target.

Preach, Calvin.

For Sale: Two children with excellent hair. Also, astounding ability to converse with compatriots while in an educational establishment. Overachievers in the skills of eye-rolling and procrastination. Unusually good at fiction fabrication and bearers of enlarged persecution complexes.

You might wonder how things are going at the Sister’s various houses, but despite the Craig’s list ad above, you can assume things are going as well as can be expected considering that we’re proud to be the World’s Most Okayest Moms. At this point, that all four of the children are alive is something to be proud of. Or at least it’s the best accomplishment we’ve had this week. There were funny things however, and we’re happy to share. Here you go.

we don’t know who this is, but EWWWWW!

1. Why is it always Florida? This time it’s Miami, but you know it could have been anywhere in that state. Saying that they’re odd down there is an understatement. Maybe it’s the humidity. Whenever we have been in Florida, we’ll admit, we get a little sketchy, too. This latest incident involves 52-year-old Eddy Juan who was arrested in the library at Florida Internal University. His crime? Yeah, Mr. Juan was crawling around under the tables in order to smell women’s feet. Take a moment if you need to. We understand. We wish we could explain this to you, but we can’t. Perhaps we’re all being short sighted here. We’re always trying to figure out a way to get out of our day jobs. How bad could letting perverts smell your feet really be?

2. Bad News, Bears. Some seriously upsetting news has come out of Washington this week. If #1 pans out like we think it might, then we’re going to have to cozy up to a banker. The IRS has stated they will no longer accept payment in checks if your tax payment is $100,000,000 or more. In case you got lost there in all those zeros, that’s 100 million. Apparently, the checks processing equipment at the Federal Reserve bank can’t handle checks that big. We wondered, exactly how often does this happen? Seriously? More than you think apparently. This year the IRS accepted 14 checks for more than $99,999,999. ***Eyeroll*** Oh to have this problem.

Bustling!

3. A perfect example of poor planning. The FBI arrested a flight attendant  with Delta Airlines. He is charged with among other things, fabricating a hoax about a suspicious package. We’re not sure what he was hoping would happen, but what he got was an emergency landing in Bismark, North Dakota. We can’t imagine that North Dakota was his intended destination. North Dakota is no ones intended destination. Honestly, if you’re planning this sort of thing, plan it over somewhere good. Hawaii anyone? Not that we want to offend the North Dakotans, or specifically even the

NOT the actual mauling

Bismarkians, but we’ll bet they wish they were somewhere else, too. Maybe even Miami – see #1. Think, people. Think.

4. More poor planning. A 62-year-old man in Anchorage, Alaska was mauled by a bear while walking his neighbor’s dog in the woods. The man stated he was able to call for help on his cellphone. Thank goodness. Unfortunately, he wasn’t carrying a gun or bear spray. That seems like a very bad idea especially when he was in the WOODS with bear bait on a leash. We’ll bet he’s better prepared next time. Or he gets a bigger dog. Whatever, once again the Sisters offer proof that one should stay inside.

5. Someone up there loves us. Look what Ava found at the grocery store. Can you believe it? Us neither. YUMMY! It’s not exactly like eating actual Swedish Fish but it’s darn close. And, to make matters even better, there are <5 calories and 2 grams of carbs per serving. Gum for everyone. This gave the Sisters a whole lot of ideas – Trident Layers with Jordan Almonds! Trident Layers with Chik Fila Frozen Lemonade! Trident Layers with Chipotle! Okay, maybe not the last one but you get the point.

20 Reasons Why the Sisters are Never Climbing Mount Everest

1. Ummm. Outside. Hello?
2. Have you seen how cold it is there?
3. As much as we’ve wanted to hire our very own Sherpa, this is frankly not enough incentive.
4. **shiver** Snow.
5. They won’t let us bring our cats. We tried shoving Jojo Kitty into a back pack and it didn’t go well.
6. We have too many television shows were dedicated to.
7. It’s mostly all up hill, and we don’t really like up hill.
8. We aren’t even willing to walk back up the Grand Canyon. Seriously. 29,000 feet. Right.
9. There isn’t a Starbucks up there.
10. Or a Chipotle.
11. Frostbite is not attractive. We can’t type our books if we have no fingers.
12. We don’t sleep in tents.
13. Snow Leopards? Hmmmm, maybe. Nope, still no.
14. No cell phone reception.
15. We have very deep concerns about where a person pees when it’s that cold.
16. If we went to Everest, who would do all the laundry? Who?
17. Apparently it’s very crowded up there.
18. And littered with debris. We can stay home and yell at people to pick up their stuff.
19. Surely you’re not serious
20. We’re so sorry. That’s the month we wash our hair.

This is by no means a comprehensive list. We reserve the right to add reasons up to infinity.

It’s Amylynn’s boyfriend’s birthday today.

Amylynn has already told Her Honey that should Sandra Bullock wander into his eye line, he has her permission to get whatever he can out of that fortuitous event.

On this day in 1977, Edward Thomas Hardy was born. You know him as Tom.

Look at how pretty.

So, so pretty.

Even from the back. Holy Moly.

And one last ovary cramping gif.

Maybe one more .

Happy birthday Tom. If we weren’t prohibited by law from getting within a thousand feet of you, The Sisters would give you a birthday kiss.

This is one of the funniest blogs I’ve ever read. The website I borrowed it from is chock full of hilarity. In fact, it reminds me of Ava because she LOVES driving people crazy. Follow the link and laugh and laugh.

Anyway, I wish I had the balls to try this.

From: Pauline Olsen
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 10.12am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Book signing dates

Hello David,

It’s been bought to my attention that a list of upcoming book signing events was recently posted on your website with B&N stores named as venues.

I was wondering if I could have the contact details of your agent or marketing person or if you could forward this email to them as a matter of urgency.

We have the ISBN in our system but no record of the listed events. I’ve spoken with two other stores and they have no record either.

Thank you, Pauline

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 11.02am
To: Pauline Olsen
Subject: Re: Book signing dates

Hello Pauline,

Thank you for your email. I’m currently without an agent or marketing person. I blame their inability to take constructive criticism well.

I was signed with LA based agency ICM Partners regarding television rights but after receiving a draft script, penned apparently by throwing a keyboard into a box full of squirrels and running the results through a quick spell-check, I stopped responding to their Skype group video chat requests. What was originally a satirical expose of the design industry somehow turned into a story about a mechanic named Greg. It’s possible that I may have missed an artistic and clever point, but just as possible that somewhere Greg is wondering how they could have fucked up his eight part transmission rebuild series so badly.

Penguin represent my first book but my marketing person there is a small angry Asian woman who yells a lot so I have her number blocked. One might suggest marketing consists of more than the author tweeting links to his book every fifteen minutes but one would be wrong. And ungrateful. And should tweet more. We haven’t spoken since she accused me of stealing a three-foot cardboard cut-out penguin from her office the last time I was there.

Incidentally, Penguin employ a similar system to ICM in regards to calculating royalties – except instead of a keyboard and squirrels, they throw a calculator into an empty box and jiggle it a bit. This is after thirty-six meetings regarding what kind of box to use, three-hundred emails discussing who will do the jiggling, and a six month delay due to pigeons, or hats, or static electricity.

Regards, David.

From: Pauline Olsen
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 11.28am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Book signing dates

Hello David,

Thank you for getting back to me so quickly.
Who arranged the book signing dates and who at B&N did they speak with?

Pauline

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 11.35am
To: Pauline Olsen
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

Hello Pauline,

There was no arrangement as such. I thought I’d just show up on the day. I have my own fold-up chair and table.

Regards, David.

From: Pauline Olsen
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

You posted several venues and dates without anyone at B&N knowing anything about it? You can’t just show up. That’s not how it works. There are procedures. You have to contact individual stores well in advance. If the store agrees to you doing a signing, copies need to be ordered, a date set, and arrangements made. If you had a marketing person, they would have explained all this to you.

Pauline

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 1.19pm
To: Pauline Olsen
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

Hello Pauline,

Yes probably. They’d also explain cost per conversion statistics, demographic expansions and response rate ratios. They can’t help themselves. It’s like an involuntary tic or a really boring form of Tourette’s.

I once attended a marketing meeting where people talked about Adwords campaign statistics for two hours. Which, in my opinion, is about one hour and fifty-six minutes too long to talk about anything. At around the forty minute mark, I honestly thought I was going to die.

In regards to procedures, I just figured it was better to be told off than told no. Seeking permission involves far more variables than pretending you didn’t think there’d be an issue.

Besides, it’s sitting on a chair. If it was possible to measure the difference between sitting on a chair and sitting on a chair by prior arrangement, nobody would. If someone did, everyone else would state, “That was a bit pointless. Don’t you have anything better to do?” The end result of sitting on a chair is the same.

I don’t require books ordered as I’m not expecting a crowd. I’ll have a couple with me just in case but, to be honest, I’m only popping in for a bit so I can claim my holiday flights as a business expense.

If anyone asks, I’ll just say I spoke to Pauline and she said it’s fine.

Regards, David.

From: Pauline Olsen
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 1.43pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

Except I didn’t say it’s fine and the end result certainly won’t be the same because you’ll be asked to leave. I can’t imagine anything more embarrassing.

Pauline

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 2.26pm
To: Pauline Olsen
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

Hello Pauline,

That’s understandable, the day to day stress of chair allocation and authorization probably leaves little time for such things.

I was once escorted off a plane shortly after boarding due to an ex-girlfriend calling the airport and stating I had four-hundred ecstasy tablets hidden in my bottom. Refusing to leave my seat without an explanation, two large men in suits carried me out horizontally. I was traveling with coworkers and the regional manager of BHP Billington. A few feet from the exit, the men had to wait for someone to be seated. I was head height with other passengers and an elderly lady leaned forward and said, “It’s going to be ok. You’re going to get the help you need now. It’s a good thing.”

I was also asked to leave a restaurant once. Experiencing stomach problems and discovering the restroom toilet bowl bogged and overflowing with paper and feces, I made an emergency decision to poo in the hand-towel disposal bin instead. With hindsight, I should have either used the ladies restroom or locked the door.

Also, when I was about twelve, my mother opened the bathroom door without knocking and caught me lying naked on the floor cracking an egg onto my penis. I have no idea why. I tried to flip over to hide my shame but the tiles were pretty slippery from several previously cracked eggs so I just kind of slapped and flailed for a bit. She didn’t say anything, just closed the door, so I guess that story didn’t really have anything to do with being asked to leave places.

Regardless, on an embarrassment scale of one to twenty (with one being a bit sunburnt and twenty owning a Nissan Cube), being told, “I’m sorry sir, B&N has a strict rule regarding people sitting in chairs, I’ll have to ask you to leave,” would probably only be a three. Maybe a four if there is jostling.

Regards, David.

From: Pauline Olsen
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 3.55pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

People are allowed to sit in chairs but they aren’t allowed to set up desks or sign books inside the store without permission. You’re going to have to cancel the dates you posted and go through the proper channels to set up new dates. Do you understand this?

Pauline

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 4.02pm
To: Pauline Olsen
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

Hello Pauline,

Mostly. Would sitting on a chair, no desk, asking people walking past if they’d like to come outside and buy a book from the back of my rental car be acceptable? Am I allowed to hold a sign?

Regards, David.

From: Pauline Olsen
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 4.13pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

No it isn’t acceptable. I’m not sure how to make this any clearer. You do not have permission to promote your book in B&N stores or interact with B&N customers in any way. If you do, you’ll be asked to leave. If you refuse to leave, the police will be called to escort you from the premises

Pauline

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 4.20pm
To: Pauline Olsen
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

Hello Pauline,

What if I stand quietly in an aisle, or a corner at the back of the store, looking at books on shelves and occasionally nodding to myself thoughtfully?

Regards, David.

From: Pauline Olsen
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 4.26pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

That would make you a customer. As long as you aren’t communicating with other customers in any way, I can’t see that being a problem.

Pauline

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 5.17pm
To: Pauline Olsen
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

Hello Pauline,

I’m glad a compromise could be reached. I have amended the previously posted book signing event page to reflect the agreed changes. I’ve also attached the promotional poster. I’ll have some with me on the day but I thought you might want to print extra copies for the store windows or something.

Regards, David.

Attachment: b&n_promoposter.jpg

From: Pauline Olsen
Date: Tuesday 28 April 2015 9.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

You do not have permission to attend B&N stores on the dates you have indicated.