I totally, totally need a Harvey!

Amylynn’s birthday came and went and she did not receive a panda bear, a clouded leopard, or a prehensile porcupine. She didn’t even get a puppy. Not even a kitten, and people give those away free all the damn time. She goes into this event every year thinking, “This might be the year!” It never happens, of course. Maybe it’s because people don’t want her to be happy. One thing for sure though, she’s a glass is half-full kinda person. Eternally optimistic, and all that. No other idiot gets her hopes up every year like she does. Each year her plan consists of telling every single person who asks her that she wants a puppy. It’s gotta happen eventually. Poor stupid girl. Here are some other silly things.

1. A cow with attitude. The City of Mesa is thinking of suing the University of Arizona because one of their cows got loose and created havoc. It seems a volunteer was “escorting” said cow to a 4-H Livestock event when things went sideways. The cops were called and they attempted to corral the beastie, but their efforts did not go smoothly. Not even when one of the cops tried to subdue it with a Taser. Eventually, they found a cowboy who had to get his horse out of a trailer and rope the cow and another cowboy wrestled it to the ground, but not before one police man injured his hand and four squad cars sustained damage. The police were even thinking of charging the volunteer with some crime or another for letting the cow get loose in the first place. The Sisters can feel for the cow. We’ve been mistaken for bovines before, and it’s made us a little testy, too.

2. The plague, again. We keep our ears to the news for important stuff. One of the things we pay particular attention to are reports of the reemergence of The Plague. We’ve found our first report of someone dying from the plague in our country this year. Actually, two of them. In Pueblo, Colorado. If this doesn’t freak you out, then you’re not paying attention. It’s the plague people. THE PLAGUE. It killed 200 million people in the 1300’s. Yeah, that plague. The moral of this story is that you shouldn’t touch dead rats. We’ll keep you posted. You’re welcome.

3. More death! Another scary thing we keep an eye on is Legionnaires Disease. Don’t get complacent because its still out there, too. In New York City eight people have died  and 97 people have been diagnosed. Mostly it seems to be contained in the South Bronx, but New York is New York. As you may recall, the Sisters were in Manhattan last month. We don’t know about you, but this seems significant to us. Apparently it was significant to the people at Romance Writers of America because they sent out an email letting it’s members know that no evidence of contamination has been noted in Times Square. Still, we’re paying special attention to our coughs and we’re going to look it up on WebMD. We’ll let you know where to donate for our health care.

4. No, not that Tarzan. Oh California, we can always count on you if Florida doesn’t step up. A man claiming to be Tarzan has been arrested for allegedly climbing a tree at the Santa Ana Zoo and trying to get into the monkey exhibit. Reports state he was wearing no shirt and was probably high on methamphetamine. The most important part of this story is that he got away. Oh sure, he was arrested eventually, but he got away at first. You can giggle all you want, but this guy has gotten closer than the Sisters ever have. We think with proper planning – and the absence of mind-altering drugs – this could work out.

5. Jordan Almonds. The Sisters love these things. Like a lot. So much so that we are able to abandon our obsessive compulsive propensity to eat candy by specifically ordered color and simply eat these all willy nilly. We’ve talked about it quite a bit in the last several days and we think part of why we like them so much is because eating them is so inherently dangerous. You never know if this particular candy will be the one that breaks a molar. We’re not saying they’re hard, but seriously. You feel like a rebel when you eat them. And we eat the hell out of them until our stomach’s hurt. We’re fairly certain we’re idiots.

It was today! I’ve been quite restrained with my broadcasting of this fact. So much so, some people were worried.

My day started out with a box of Jordan almonds My Honey gave me to take to work. It was only about two hours in when my tummy started hurting. You’d think I could behave myself and not eat 1/2 a box of candy, but you’d be wrong. Ava took them away from me in an attempt to save me from myself. About 10 minutes later, her tummy was hurting from the damn almonds. Seriously, you’d think… Nevermind. I’m not even going to complete that sentence.

Then our office mate went around and told everyone I was 50 today. I’m definitely NOT 50. No, I am not! I have paperwork to prove it.

Sassy made me cake and I got great presents.

Google even gave me a birthday logo.

I love birthdays! Love, love, love them.

I have no idea what I why I was so excited for my kids to go back to school. All this really means to me is making lunch every hectic morning and doing homework for grades I completed thirty some years before.

For those of you who don’t have kids in school anymore – Yay for you! Congratulations! You lived.

It’s not like when we were in school. Now there is all this texting and teacher blogs to follow. There are even apps for your smart phone that push notifications and reminders.

So Sassy has questions about a Writing assignment due tomorrow. She decides she’s going to use MY phone to text her teacher – as me.

Here is the text sent from my hi-jacked phone.

Behold.

Do you see the problem? Do you see why I flipped out?

You know my kid has told her teacher that I’m a writer, and now that woman thinks I can’t use the proper there/their/they’re.

Or punctuation.

Or a complete and understandable sentence.

This kid of mine has no one to blame but herself when I go to the Open House tomorrow and make a HUGE deal out of the fact that I DID NOT WRITE THAT TEXT!!!

I am in possession of some HOT commodities! I have my hands on some PRINT copies of Finish What We Started! If you know Carina Press – the digital arm of Harlequin – then you know getting a print run is super rare.

Because I love you guys, I’m giving away copies! Follow the link to Goodreads and enter!

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Finish What We Started

by Amylynn Bright

Giveaway ends September 30, 2015.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

Enter Giveaway

We’re home from our travels and back to the real world where dirty laundry, naughty children, and fickle appliances run our lives. Gone are meetings at Harlequin and appointments with editors and agents. Gone are moments of fan girl glee and hiding in a hotel room wanting to read. Now we’re back to work for a task master. The good news is that now we’re back with our kitties and our families. We may tease about them, but they’re ours and we miss them when we’re gone. Also, we’re really glad to be back out west where they know how to make a damn cup of coffee. We wouldn’t have thought so, but there’s a lot to be said for cowboy coffee. Back in the land of the properly caffeinated, we found much to be amused by. We’ll share; here  you go.

1. Our very own beds. The Sisters enjoy traveling, but we also really, really enjoy coming home to our very own beds. Amylynn just doesn’t know how to get a good night’s sleep without at least two dogs, two cats, a chainsaw-snoring husband, and various children who may wander in from time to time. Ava has a particular fondness for her very own sheets and a well built pillow wall. Ah, home sweet home. You may be the butt of many jokes on this blog, but how do we love thee?

2. Kids going back to school. Amylynn mentioned this topic on Wednesday, but the fact remains the same. We love sending kids to school. We love when they’re not wearing the same pajamas for six days in a row, and letting their hair get dirty almost to the point of dreadlocks. We enjoy a

Erin Allard is giving one person with a fabulous dessert recipe a newly restored 1906 Craftsman home in Jackson. (Rockford Investments)

nice bit of homework and another saga about how their teacher doesn’t like them. Nothing makes us happier than knowing they’re not playing video games twelve hours a day and sleeping the other twelve. Yay, school!

3. We’d do a lot for a piece of cake… But this woman is going overboard. A lady in Antioch, CA is giving away her $390,000, 1906 Craftsman home as a prize for the best desert. She’s hosting the contest because it takes so long to sell a home. There is a $100 entry fee, so she’s clearly hoping that at least 3,900 people think they can bake well enough to win a 4 bedroom, 2 bath house. There’s a panel of “experts” judging the contest and of course we’re interested in apply for that position. Dear Dessert Lady, we present this blog as our resume. References available upon request.

4. Something is rotten in Beijing. A chief-librarian at a Chinese university was charged with fraud. While he was in charge of the gallery in the Guangzhou Academy of Fine Arts library he stole 140 paintings and replaced them with fakes he painted himself. Over the course of his crime, he sold 125 of them for somewhere in the neighborhood of 3.5 million dollars. Here’s where the most amazing part of this story comes into play. It seems that art forgery is a VAST problem in China and our art thief actually saw some of HIS forgeries placed with worse forgeries. How crappy would it be to think you stole some gazillion dollar piece of art when all you stole was a forgery? Our thief said some of it was truly terrible attempts at art. Get out your Crayolas and lets see what we can come up with, eh?

5. Luden’s Cough Drops. Do you remember these? Amylynn has gotten a cold that seems to have settled itself contentedly in her chest giving her a hearty cough. Does she take Halls or Ricola or even the dreaded Sucrets? God, no. You have to be really, really sick to suck on that crap. Those are mean cough drops. No, she’s eating Luden’s Cough Drops – cherry flavor because it’s the only REAL flavor – like they are candy. Essentially, they are. Yummy candy. There’s probably zero medicinal value, but they make you feel better mentally. Don’t believe us? Good. More Luden’s for us. If only they came in the cool old tin like those nasty Sucrets did back in the day.

While I was in NYC there was an incident in our kitchen at home.

Apparently our stove and oven decided it was done in a truly spectacular way.

My husband called me to tell me about it at a totally reasonable time in Arizona it was like Midnight in NYC and I was asleep when I answered the phone. I mumbled through the appropriate replies of alarm.

The whole even was rather spectacular. There was smoke and sparking and possibly screaming. I hope there was screaming. Had I been there, there would have been screaming. Even without being there and sleeping through the story, I can still guarantee that there was prodigious swearing.

This is not our stove or our fireman.

The next morning, I’d completely forgotten about the phone call. In fact, until he sent me a random photo of an oven from Lowes, I thought I’d dreamed the whole thing.

By the time I got home, the offending appliance had been replaced with a gorgeous new black and stainless steel one.

The new stove is hot. Something that should be implied to something named “stove” but our old was seemingly was not. This creates trouble while cooking. My Honey is our home’s primary cook, and he’s good at it, so when he burned Italian sausages during one of his first runs at the new stove, I took it as a cautionary tale.

Imagine my alarm when I was notified that I was in charge of dinner tonight. I stared at the new appliance, certain it would betray me. I expressed as much.

“Whatever,” My Honey said with a roll of his eyes. “Just be attentive.”

Oh dear.

I’ve never been “attentive” while cooking in my entire life. Go ahead and dial 911 now. This story won’t end well.

Guaranteed.

Tonight’s the big night. The one where you make kids take baths and ACTUALLY WASH THEIR HAIR. You have them set out clothes for the next morning. Make sure the know where both of their shoes are. I’ll make their lunches tonight so we have a little less chaos in the morning.

Can you believe they start school in the morning? It’s July 30, for god’s sake. And, no, our school is not a year-round school district.

When I was a kid – back in the day – we didn’t start school until the Monday after Labor Day. I have no idea what this early start nonsense is about. All I can say is I’m happy they’re not going to be lounging around my house anymore. Or spending all day in the pool. I’ll bet their grandmothers are glad, too, since they’ve been in charge of minding them.

One day The Bandit slept until 3:00. His grandmother tried to wake him. His sister poked him several times, but he still wouldn’t get up. When My Honey got home from work he demanded he get out of bed.

“It’s too early,” the Bandit whined and closed his eyes.

“Early? Shit, boy. It’s 3:00 in the afternoon.”

The Bandit opened his eyes in shock, then rolled over to look at his Lego Chima alarm clock. Sure enough, it was late.

He threw off the covers and launched out of bed. “Oh my God! I need lunch!”

Yep, these kids need a little more structure, I should think.

I received an email from YouTube about one of my favorite accounts. Apparently, Klusmanp finally posted a new video. We’ve shared his videos before, much to the collective glee of everyone.

We give you the latest. This one is featuring Ginger and her plea to Donald Trump to be his running mate. I especially enjoy her logic when it comes to vacuums and Chihuahuas.

Conference is almost done. Our brains are getting a bit crispy around the edges, but we’re so filled with ideas that we just want to sit on the floor in our room with a carpet picnic and hash them all out. Sadly, we cannot. Some people make Amylynn go to parties she doesn’t want to attend. (Amy’s ridiculous. When you write for Carina/Harlequin, you should go to the party they have for you at the WALDORF ASTORIA. I did make her go and I’d do it again.) We’ve had a great time. We’ve met new people, made new friends, seen a fabulous city and eaten a LOT of great food. Here are some more awesome things we encountered this week.

1. Paris Baguette. We wanted a cup of coffee. We wanted a yummy pastry. Enter Paris Baguette. There was so much gloriousness in one tiny shop, we couldn’t believe it. There was even pastry we couldn’t identify, and that, our friends, is unfathomable. There was a weird cheesecake thing and a bunch of glorious puddings and things with fruit. We settled on a marvelous cream cheese donut and a strawberry cream croissant with a latte and a café mocha. It was also rather pleasant that we annoyed the hell out of the teenage girl at the counter. So much happiness.

2. Mood. We’ve been fans of Tim Gunn and Project Runway since it’s inception. We watch, breathless, every season to see what wonderful or monstrous contraption the contestants put on the models. If you watch the show then you know the fabric store Mood. When we found out how close Mood was to our hotel we made plans. It was only eight blocks to the store. Funny thing – eight blocks in New York is reasonable. Eight blocks at home is absolutely ludicrous. We found the place – on the third floor – another weird thing about NYC – and touched everything. We loved it. We just wish we knew what we were doing in a fabric store.

3. Naked Cowboy. Amylynn really wanted to see a famous person while we were here. That’s not working out so far. Until today. We were walking through Times Square on our way back from Mood and we saw a crowd. At the heart of the crowd was Naked Cowboy. Ava didn’t know who he was. Can you believe that? He walked down the street next to us and Amylynn chatted him up. Ava wanted to kill her, but he was very friendly. We learned that he started out in Venice Beach, CA, which makes a LOT more sense than NYC. He took the advice of a Playboy photographer to play in his underpants – advice he took and was promptly arrested. We learned that he has been arrested 39 times in 42 states. (Boy, some of us are clearly desperate to say they saw a famous person in NY.)

4. The Waldorf Astoria. Amylynn had to go to a party thrown by Harlequin. The thing that moved the pendulum in favor of her attending was the fact that it was at the Waldorf Astoria. What a beautiful building. The tile mosaic in the lobby was lovely and intricate. We both love a nice Art Deco design and the Waldorf is a beautiful example. So opulent and lovely.

5. Food. New York City food. It’s really good. Ava has been going on and on and on about it and it turns out she was right. Everything has been super yummy – except the food in the hotel, but we didn’t make that mistake twice. When we’ve eaten in restaurants and street venders, we’ve been more than happy. Reubens, pizza, and pastries. Chinese and Italian food. Amylynn made her promise we’d get a cannoli before we go and we’d like to bring home a bag of bagels for the family. NYC has lived up to all the hype. We’re wearing our fat clothes home.