NEW RELEASES
Now I’ve totally jinxed it
Ava and I are going to the Romance Writers of America convention in July. It’s in Atlanta and I’ve never been to the South.
We’re so excited.
To make matters even more exciting, we will be attending the soiree held by the Beau Monde chapter of which I am a member.
You know, if we’re attending a real Regency ball we have to have real regency dresses don’t you.
YES WE DO!!!
We found and purchased patterns we really adore and talked my mom into sewing them for us. We’ve got 2 months to get these dresses complete so we’re not even waiting until the last minute. All of that sounds like it’s coming together very smoothly, doesn’t it?
You have no idea. No idea whatsoever the magnitude of how well this is actually working.
We met my mom at the JoAnns during lunch today to buy fabric. I didn’t think for even a minute that this would actually happen. I mean really, this was me and Ava. And my mom. The three of us have a certain problem with projects like this to varying degrees. We’ve discussed it on the blog before. Essentially what happens is one or all of us will have an idea in our head of what we want. We can see it. We can practically feel it. We know it intimately. The problem, of course, is that the majority – or at least the vital parts – of this fantasy don’t actually exist in the real world so we end up in a morass of frustration.
I hold out the imaginary purse Ava has been making me shop for the last several years as evidence. I have this problem as well, but I’m not quite as stalwart as my Sister. She’s like an Olympic level obsessive. I generally give up before people threaten me in department stores.
So knowing all this, why in Zeus’s name did I think it would work out to buy fabric today. Our first stop? Really?
Not a chance in hell.
EXCEPT THAT IT TOTALLY HAPPENED!!! I wish I had photographic proof, but I don’t. You can call the JoAnns and ask the lady at the fabric counter. I’ll bet any amount of money that she’ll remember us. We were a bit memorable – as we usually are when we take the Amy and Ava Show on the road. At one point I shrieked something about anarchy and people running amok when the number machine stopped working. If that doesn’t ring her bell, I’ll bet she’ll remember my mom yelling at Ava to buy the amount of fabric she was telling her to and shut up about it.
All of that is neither here nor there. We bought every single thing we needed today to make those dresses.
You know what… I’ll bet my real hell comes when Ava makes me go to every shoe store in this hemisphere to find “just what I’m looking for.”
It’s been a tough week already. Let’s have a salad
Traitor!
I took Ava with me to see my foot doctor today. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it was not that Ava would team up with the doctor to yell at me.
What the hell?
Maybe I was secretly hoping that he’d want to give me another cortisone shot cause that would totally freak her out.
But no, there was actual yelling. And ganging up on me.
The doctor even told her to come back with me when I see him in a month so she can report whether or not I wore my tennis shoes EVERY WAKING MINUTE OF MY LIFE. Do you really think she’ll tattle on me? You bet your life she will.
She’s evil like that. If you see her out and about, do me a favor and squint at her very hard in a threatening manner.
We return to home, crap, home
I spent Mother’s Day yelling at my kids from the front seat of the car as we barreled down the highway from Anaheim.
I’m kidding. Sorta.
We actually had a really great time while we were away. The Bandit was hardly ever surly, and Sassy managed to keep the eye-rolling in check – most of
wearing my FABULOUS new hat
the time. We got to ride everything in the new Cars Land – which were awesome to a one. The Pirates of the Caribbean were as rowdy as always. They added stuff to It’s a Small World. If you’re forced to ride, at least there’s new stuff to look for. I will share with you that Captain EO, the Michael Jackson 3D thing-y, did not stand the test of time. I’ll admit to inappropriate laughing through out. Space Mountain was open which was unexpected as there had been some trouble with it in the very recent past.
I will share with you that my foot is in agony. I’m certain this is an overshare, but I don’t care. It’s swollen all the way up my calf and vaguely discolored. I can’t wait to see my doctor tomorrow. I’m certain he’ll lecture me but I did all the things the told me to do including ice it down every single night and damn near overdosing on anti-inflammatories.
Enough self-pity.
When I got home it was bliss. I cuddled my kitty cat – who has definitely gained weight – and read five days of newspaper. After that, I turned on the DVR and got to dive into Big Bang Theory, Elementary, Da Vinci’s Demons and Game of Thrones.
Bliss I tell you.
May 10
The Sisters are having a very different week from each other. Generally, it’s fairly the same, seeing as how we spend 9+ hours a day together. But not this week. No. One of the sisters is toiling away in 26 hours of training at Bank of No Forks while the other is at Disneyland. Disneyland. The one in Disneyland is hereby disinherited from the family fortune. However, that did not stop us from laughing at the
following –
- 1. Governor Chris Christie #1 – Bug Killer – this is not a political blog but there are some politicians that the sisters LOVE even though they are politicians (Hi, Hillary!). Governor Chris Christie of NJ is one of these people. Here’s one example of why – just this last week he had a bunch of kids in his governor’s office and killed a spider with his bare hand. Now we’ll admit it’s a large hand but he didn’t even hesitate to save the lives of those kids without any concern for himself. One of the sisters has Arachnophobia, she’s mentioned it before. I swear,
if she wasn’t already married she’d be on her way to NJ to propose.
2. NJ Kid Attempts Murder with A Stapler – this kid is part of the above story but deserves his own spot. After the Governor squashes the spider, one of the boys says “Let’s staple it.” That’s a NJ kid right there. The PETA people are insane over the whole incident but Amylynn thinks the spider got what it deserved even if it didn’t involve a
stapler.
3. Governor Chris Christie #2 – Dieting – Mr. Christie revealed that he had secret lap band surgery in February. We just love this guy: he diets like us, he kills spiders, he tells people to get off the streets when a super storm is coming by looking directly into the camera and saying “Yes, I’m talking to you.”, he loves Bruce . . . the list seems endless. If he ever becomes president, we’re moving to Washington to help him out. We think he’ll need fan girls.
4.Disneyland – the Sisters can’t remember if they’ve ever had Disney as a favorite thing before but it’s here because one of us is there. (One of us, not both. Which is wrong. Not that Ava is bitter or anything.) There isn’t anything not to love about Disney. We love, love, love every square inch of it. Except “It’s a Small World”. We are deeply suspicious of anyone who doesn’t like Disney or anyone who likes “It’s a Small World”. Something is really wrong there . . . We do
- debate which is better – CA Disney or FL Disney. I believe a trip to both is in order to solve this argument. In fact, we’d better get over to Paris and Japan so we can speak from experience.
5. Monte Cristo Sandwich – this delectable sandwich is made of turkey and cheese. It is dipped in egg batter and fried to a beautiful golden brown and served with powdered sugar and preserves. The Disney people make these at the restaurant housed inside the “Pirate’s of the Caribbean” ride – but only for lunch. TIP: you should make reservations before you get there or you won’t get in. Holy deliciousness – now we’re starving!
Day 2 – the saga continues
Today we decided to go to Hollywood because my kids haven’t seen it and everyone deserves to see the weirdness that is Hollywood. 
If you want to feel really, really old, try to explain to your 10 year old daughter why seeing the footprints in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater si cool. They have no idea whatsoever who Clark Gable and Humphrey Bogart are. That saddens me and now I’m going to make them watch Gone with the Wind and The Maltese Falcon. It’s five hours of TV I’ll love and they’ll be completely bored by. I’m totally looking forward to it.
The trip to Hollywood is like 20 miles from our hotel at Disneyland and it took approximately 75 hours in the car. LA traffic is not sane. We asked Siri to give us directions but we kept going rogue and at one point she got so disgusted with us she stopped talking to us at all, but not before she told us, “Fine. You think you know what you’re doing? Good luck.” And then she pouted.
One of the funniest things ever was Sassy surveying the graffiti all over the freeway. She had lots of comments about how stupid she thought it was. “And look at that guy. Some jerk named John wants us to know he was there at 3:16. How stupid is that?” It took me a beat before I realized she was seeing the bible verse. Then of course, we saw it everywhere.
All in all it was a great day. We’re exhausted. Tomorrow is a HUGE Disney day.
We’ll never learn our lesson
We’re going to Disneyland this week – the week between Sassy’s and The Bandit’s birthdays. We told the kids there wouldn’t be birthday parties this year because of the expense of the trip. Instead, we’d agreed that the boy could invite a friend to spend the night and we’d take them to see Iron Man 3 since it came out on his birthday.
“A friend” turned into two friends and a nephew. Counting his sister, My Honey and I took five kids to Peter Piper Pizza and the movies.
This is an actual photo of the slumber party. My boy is right there in front.
Really it was more like taking a frat house on a tour of a holy museum.
Eight year old boys are insane. They are teeth gnashing, screaming, amok running lunatics. We let them run wild in the pizza place – it’s not like anyone would notice that they were any more out of control than any other random kid there. We left for the movies early because we knew there’d be a line at the theater even though I had bought the tickets earlier in the day. Only a couple of hours in and My Honey and I were already exhausted. We finally made them sit on the floor in the lobby. I’m sure all the other patrons were happy they weren’t swinging from the light fixtures anymore.
It’s like they feed off the energy of exhausted parents.
They all sat rapt in the movie – as did I. I loved the film. Or maybe I loved Robert Downey, Jr. It’s really hard to separate the two. Either way, my crush is firmly fixed.
We got home and had cake and ice cream.
The party got more and more like a scene from Animal House. There were boys everywhere in their underwear. Boys climbing on furniture. Boys running around the house making gun noises. Confusingly, bean bags were flying around the house. Even the girl was caught up in the action. The most confusing development was that even though chaos reigned, they were the politest bunch of heathens you’ve ever met. When we told them to get off the shed roof, they said, “Yes, ma’am.” When asked not to chase the cat, they responded, “Yes, ma’am.” It was very disconcerting.
At midnight I made them all get in bed and turn out the light. I told them they didn’t have to sleep, but they couldn’t run up and down the hall anymore. Mere minutes later, I was still in the living room writing and heard the tell tale **pop fizz** of a soda can being opened. I found four pajama clad boys sitting in the dark, each poised with Sprite cans to their lips. In my head, I could see the few short years till I catch them with beers.
On Saturday morning I had to work. I’ve never been happier to go to that hell hole in my life.
These are the texts I got from My Honey:
MH – Can I come to work with you? I’m going to kill some kids! Where are they f****** mothers!
ME – They’ll be there soon. Hang tough.
MH – I think they’re in Mexico. I would be.
ME – Hahahahahahahaha (I laugh helpfully mostly because I’m safe at work)
MH – I keep hearing Louie Louie in my head! It’s Delta House over here.
ME – Food fight!!!!!!
MH – One down two to go
ME – It’s getting quieter!
MH – No.
ME – Impossible!
Eventually all the kids left. When I got home, the frat house was mostly cleaned up. My Honey had marginally less hair.
The girl gets to do it in 2 weeks for her birthday. I can hardly wait.
May 3
Summer’s here. We know you people in other parts of the world are furrowing your brows and looking at us in confusion, but here in the desert, we’ve got summer. It’s undeniable. Our state capital already experienced a 100 degree day. The air conditioning is already running and our kids have been swimming at their grandmother’s for several weeks. The Sisters don’t swim. That’s not to say if we fell off a cruise ship that we’d drown. We CAN swim we just don’t because that involves swimming suits and nobody needs to see that. What we do instead is sit under an umbrella with a margarita and read. Onward summer! Here’s some funnies this week.
bored, bored, bored
1. Mary the AutoReader. In the continuing saga of Democrats and Republicans refusing to get along or accomplish absolutely ANYTHING, the Dems of the Florida state legislature have required that all the bills be read a loud. That’s a LOT of reading. Hours and hours of it. So the Floridians bought Mary for $45.00. She sat in a closet, waiting to be necessary for years. Now that she’s out of the closet, so to speak, she’s a busy little “lady”. She can read a page in 45 seconds. It’s funny – and it serves them all right to have to 
sit and listen to that for 8 hours a day. If you’re interested Mary has now got a Twitter account because there are enough people out there just like us who can’t leave things well enough alone.
2. Iron Man 3. We love Robert Downey, Jr. We also love Iron Man. Snarky, egotistical and funny is a heady mix. We can’t wait to see this movie and have been looking forward to it ever since the The Avengers came out. We spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about Bob. He asked us to call him Bob on the
restraining order.
3. Our new look. Wow, oh Wow, do we love our new look. We’re so delighted that it really reflects our personalities. We love the cute little girls in the car above. Ava thought it was funny how Amylynn insisted, INSISTED, that the original cartoon be changed to reflect that Amylynn was driving. She refused to allow the world as a whole to think for even one minute that Ava has ever driven anywhere if there was the possibility that someone else would do it for her. It certainly never would happen on a potential road trip as described in the cartoon. Ava will be wholly in charge of folding that road map we mentioned.
4.8 year-old boys. The Bandit is eight years old today. Honest to Zeus, no one can believe he’s made it this far. The Bandit is the most aptly nicknamed child ever. He can’t seem to stay out of trouble for more than ten minutes at a time unless he’s asleep and even then, usually there are candy wrappers and his father’s flashlight in there with him, too. He’s in after-school detention next week for calling his adorable 2nd grade teacher stupid and 
telling her she sucks. He hides chocolate syrup in the closet and strawberry heads behind the couch. He can eat an entire box of ice cream sandwiches in one day – and has on a number of occasions. He hides people’s electronics and has never voluntarily picked up a toy in his life. But, he’s absurdly funny and charming when he wants to be – like all the best sociopaths. Hopefully he makes it to nine.
5. Jamie the manager. Ava and her husband went to a national restaurant chain for dinner the other night. There was an egregious health issue during dinner, one that Ava wasn’t nearly as concerned about as The Claim Jumper, but they had no idea that Ava is not a litigious person. There was a chunk of glass in her iced tea. She didn’t swallow it. She wasn’t harmed, but the restaurant manager did a really excellent job of customer service. How rare is that? Their dinner and drinks were comped and the manager practically lay prostrate on the floor. Is it bad that we like a little panicky suffering once in a while?
And by I mean grow up….
Out with the first in with the second…
There are only two more days to enter to win Lady Francesca’s Ring.
I mean really, if she’s not going to wear it, you might as well.
Contest ends on Saturday morning, so enter now.
Another exciting thing – Lady Belling’s Secret is available for sale in paperback at Mostly Books on Speedway and Wilmot. They’re signed and everything. So if you’ve been wanting a paper copy and didn’t want to deal with Amazon….
Also, coming VERY, VERY soon…
Miss Goldsleigh’s Secret.
Do you see that outrageously awesome quote from best selling Regency author Valerie Bowman! What a coup, huh?
We’re just waiting for the last of the formating to be done and the print books to be made ready….
My best guess is second week in May.
Don’t fret – you’ll be right there with the first people to know the minute it’s ready.