We know that you’ve visited the site this week and seen the Stay Tuned messages and are now tired of Staying Tuned. You’re thinking that we’re just trying to pull off some sort of hokey internet scam. That’s totally not true. If there was a scam you can be assured there would have been a plea for money or assistance escaping some foreign land with a stolen baby animal. We’re not saying that isn’t likely to happen in the future, but not this week. Something is going to happen on this site. And it will happen very soon. We’re at the whim of the internet gods because we’re hopeless and don’t understand how to

Regardless of this pose, Sweetie is a no nonsense girl

make any of this technical voodoo happen on our own. A genie has been hired and we are assured things are happening. Ones and zeros are moving around all over the internet to our benefit. Just hang in there. When it happens you won’t miss it. We promise. Until then, chuckle along with us.

1. There’s panda updates. The zoo in London just artificially inseminated a giant panda named Tian Tian which translates as Sweetie. Apparently her “mate” Yang Guang (Sunshine) was all about “natural mating” and was sending her encouraging looks, shared that he was a Capricorn and inquired into her sign, and even had the bartender send her a bamboo juice with an umbrella in it and everything. Sweetie was having none of it. Her return signals were more along the lines of not “conducive to mating”. She probably made it very clear when she mentioned the restraining order. It is our theory that the pandas have such trouble mating because clearly the male pandas are jackasses and no self-respecting female is letting that jerk anywhere near her reproductive organs.

2. Vernissage. Get a load out of this. This might be the most brilliant packaging in the history of Madison Avenue. Aren’t these the cutest purses ever? Yes, they are – ONLY THEY’RE NOT PURSES. THEY’RE BOXES OF WINE!!!! They come in black, white and pink for red, white and rose. And, this ladies and gentlemen, is why we’ll need a twelve step program by the end of the year.

3. Babies aptly named. The Sisters are not big bird people, except for penguins and puffins. They are exempt for obvious reasons. Puffins are super cute, too, with their funny shaped beaks and cool markings. When we tell you the real reason why we love puffins, you’re going to love them too. The puffin chicks are aptly named pufflings. PUFFLINGS. If that’s not the cutest name ever, we don’t know what is.

4. Walgreens. We noticed this week that the Walgreens people are putting up another store. Thank God. We are ever so pleased by this development because few things are worse in this world than having to drive more than two blocks to get to a Walgreens. This particular corner had been so destitute without a Walgreens up to this point, it was tragic. You understand the people in that neighborhood had to drive five blocks to get to the next Walgreens. FIVE. We were going to suggest a telethon or something for these folks. They were practically rural. Oh the horror. People shouldn’t have to live like this. Such a shame.

5. The Girl Who Lives at Ava’s House. Through no fault of her own, she got to spend afternoons with us at work this week. It was wonderful to have her here because we were seriously lacking in eyerolling and deep, aggrieved sighing. Besides, we’ve been feeling entirely too good about ourselves lately and  it’s good to be reminded of your station in life and your negative cool factor every once in a while by a teenager. Otherwise, we all run the risk of getting an ego or something. We can’t have that.

Really and truly. Something is gonna happen.

So, I’ll bet you’re wondering. “What are you guys doing at work these days?” While we’re waiting for our new jobs, we’re doing a whole lot of nothing and that makes for nine very long hours. The seven of us search for things to do because, while it sounds nice for a day or so, nothing to do for nine hours a day for five days a week and periodic Saturdays is really awful.

I’d like to think I do a ton of writing there, but unfortunately, Bank of No Forks sucks the creativity out of you. We’ve told you that we’ve done each other’s hair. We do constant manicures. The receptionist painted her nails five times on Friday. Sigh. We’ve done seven jigsaw puzzles of increasing difficulty.

We’re considering stealing cable from the business suite next door and bringing in a television.

We did bring in a tabletop grill. Today I made everyone bacon wrapped shrimp and caprese salad. Tomorrow we’re trying Korean ribs.

One day last week, the receptionist and another gal ran to the drugstore for more nail polish and ran across a yard sale wherein an elliptical exercise machine  was purchased.

Seriously.

It was placed in our storage room, but that got lonely so it was moved out to the private lobby so the jigsaw puzzlers can chat with and make fun of the exerciser.

This is the message I received from Ava this morning.

I was on the elliptical for 38 sec. Can you take me to the emergency room when you get here. I’ll be laying on the floor by the door.

It’s possible we’ll all be dead by the end of the week.

The Bandit is going to be eight years old next week. I can’t believe it. Still, he feels like a little boy. He’s missing four teeth. He makes gun and car noises at every opportunity. He’s still a shortie.

BUT, he’s really getting a fun sense of humor of his own. I love seeing him make jokes and such that are all is own – not reflections of his father and I.

For example, he had me cracking up at lunch today.

As is typical, Sassy was glaring at her father over slights real or imagined. Her father informed her if she glared at him one more time, he was going to

No sane person gives up a churro

smack her right there in the restaurant. This is a typical idol threat wherein hardly ever is anyone actually smacked and rarely does the glaring stop for long. Nevertheless, the dance began. He said the words and she softened her gaze. Then the  Bandit started to chant, “Glare, glare, glare.”

I spit my iced tea.

After we’d regained control of ourselves from that incident, My Honey mentioned he was still hungry.

“You want my churro?” The Bandit asked with unusual courtesy?

“Nah,” his father replied.

“Good,” The boy smirked. “The churro is mine.”

That’s much more typical of my son.

Ava and I are so getting in trouble. 

This is a quokka. It’s pronounced like mocha. It’s a wee marsupial from the general area of Australia.

I’ve named him Quincy. Unless he’s a girl, then we’re going to call her Winona.

Ava read somewhere that these are protected animals and there is a $300 fine just for touching one.

When we get to Australia, we’re just going to hand over our credit card, because there will be touching.

Oh, yes.

There will be touching.

Occasionally, I leave the office and go out into the wild, wild world without Amylynn.  This happened yesterday because she had the 2^nd shift and I wanted doughnuts.

I had initially thought I could live without donuts even though I’d been thinking of them the entire ride to work. But, really the whole thing is our security guard’s fault. The very first thing he said to me in the parking lot wasn’t “Hi” or even “Hey”. It was, “I was gonna stop for donuts.” It was like a sign from God. A lightening bolt from Zeus himself. Obviously the universe wanted me to have donuts.

Since Amy is doing awesome on her diet and I’m still fat, I made two of our office mates go to a famous donut bakery here in our town. The trouble started right away.  One of the girls is left-handed like me.  When we got to the doors, the handles were gone, as in no handles.  We looked at each other like OMG the place is closed!!!  And we need donuts!!!  Luckily, the third one of us said, and I quote, “Push”.

I need to report that they just don’t have donuts.  They have dessert empanadas and cookies.  I ordered up a dozen donuts, six empanadas and a dozen cookies.  The salesgirl asked if we were having a party.  I wasn’t sure what she was getting at so I said “No, there’s just the three of us and a girl on a diet so she’s not getting any.”

On our way out, Miss Push said, “Can we have one more of the Mango Delights and can you cut it into three pieces for the ride?”  We ate it before we even got to the door.   It was delightful.

The missing handles were actually on the inside of the doors so we knew how to get out without any instructions.  Isn’t it universally known that you “pull” to get in and “push” to get out when your hands are full of baked goods?

When Amy got to the office there was powdered sugar and crumbs everywhere. She eyed us all suspiciously and asked what we’d been up to all morning.   We pretended we had no idea what she was talking about and said we’d tried to go to the bakery but it was closed permanently, they’d even removed the handles.

I don’t think she believed us because she said, and I quote, “Closed, huh? Wipe that mango delight off your faces.”

When I was driving to work today I saw the craziest looking car in the intersection ahead of me. As I got closer I was trying to figure out if there was some sort of bizarre art installation on the roof or what. There was writing all over the sides and what looked like some sort of whacked out humanoid…thing on top.

Here’s a whole fleet of them

When I came abreast of the car I was able to read Google Street View Car on the door and realized the statue was indeed the tripod camera with a giant round camera on the top.

I totally freaked out.

I had approximately five seconds to decide what to do.

WHAT TO DO!!! Here’s my chance at fame – although somewhat more minimal than I thought it would be. There was no Oprah present. No phone call from the President. It all seemed rather anticlimactic.

By the time I realized I needed to do SOMETHING it was over. The Google car turned and was gone.

It was too late to flash my boobs (way too derivative anyway), or flip off the camera (I don’t necessarily feel any angst towards Google), or throw on a chicken suit (I don’t have one regardless).

I’m such a loser.

QUICK! You have 5 seconds. What do you do for the Google car?