When there’s nothing good in the news, you just need a good cuddle.

He sounds so serious and official and then he makes you spit your coffee.

A lot of people complain that their families are crazy. Mine isn’t crazy, necessarily, but it is full of characters.

I haven’t talked about my brother much. I think now is the time.

His daughter is turning seven tomorrow. I called to chat him up for ideas on what to get my niece.

“You wanna know what I’m getting her,” he asked. He sounded very excited about it.

“Sure,” I said. He’s made some pretty cool stuff for his kids so this has every chance of being awesome.

“A cheese making kit.”

“What?” I say, thinking I can’t possibly have heard him correctly.

“A cheese making kit,” he repeated.

“What the fu…” I crinkled up my forehead, pulled my phone away from my face, and stared at it.

“She likes cheese.” He said this like he fully expected me to buy into this oddness because the kid likes cheese. We all like cheese but I don’t wanna make it. I sure as hell didn’t want to make it when I was SEVEN. I make my cheese at the store wrapped in wax and plastic because I’m not French. He must have gleaned something from my silence. “When I asked her if she wanted a cheese making kit her eyes lit up and she said, ‘You can make cheese?'”

“Alright,” I said in that tone of voice that implies you think the other person is a complete idiot but they seem hell-bent on their mission so they should carry on. “What should I get her?”

“You know, she really wants a wishing well. Get her one of those.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I screeched. “Where the hell am I gonna get a wishing well?” In one day no less.

“I don’t know,” he said and now he was sounding like I am the whack-a-loon. “I’m just telling you what she wants.”

Well she can wish for normal presents from her father. I got her Hello Kitty cause I’m not a crazy aunt.

It was another rip roaring day at the Bank of No Forks. We’re still waiting for our new “jobs” which means that our old jobs are winding down and there’s really NOTHING to do.

I told you that two weeks ago we started doing hair. Last week it was mani/pedis. This week I went and bought a jigsaw puzzle of tea cups and we started in on that today.

I learned that everyone has a different puzzle style.

I prefer to do all the outside first – the frame so to speak. Others started right in on the different designs as they found the colors and patterns that went together.

Ava picks up random pieces, looks at it intently, then hands it to one of us and says, “This one definitely goes somewhere.” It turns out our responses to Ava are all different, too. One person, the nicest one in our group, always takes the piece and makes a show of seeing if she can figure out where it goes. Another takes it and looks at her like she’s an idiot, but doesn’t say anything. Depending on how many times Ava’s already done this, I will grab the piece, slam it down on the table, and make a snarky comment.  (Ava here: Okay, this part is true.  I do that.  But, in my defense, the piece I pick up is usually very specific – like it could be just dropped right into the puzzle.  Why, you ask, dont I just do it myself? That’s because Amy always positions herself looking at the puzzle straight on and the rest of us have to try to complete it from the sides or the top, that’s why . . . )

It turns out jigsaw puzzles are surprisingly stressful.

After several hours of working on the stupid thing, I suggested we take it back to the store, throw it at a clerk and demand a refund insisting that the puzzle was broken.

Tomorrow I’m buying coloring books. That has to be less stressful than puzzles.

Yesterday was windy. Like Dorothy in OZ windy. Like “Holy shit, it’s windy” windy. I lost Rock, Paper, Scissors and had to go buy dinner. When I got out

Mercifully, this is NOT sassy. She’s even smaller than this.

of the car at the Panda Express the wind literally propelled me across the parking lot.

While we were eating dinner, Sassy described her P.E. class.

Their coach decided that it would be fun to strap my daughter’s 4th grade students in parachutes to see if they could run against the strength of the wind pulling on the chutes. I understand that he also was wondering if any of them would get airborne.

Imagine the wry look I’m giving you right now.

As skinny as Sassy is, he could have used a Kleenix and she would have gotten airborne.

Can’t you hear the call from the front office now? “Um, Mrs. Bright. Hi. I’m just calling to tell you first that Sassy is fine in case you get any other calls about this. The firemen were able to get her out of the tree in the Target parking lot.”

The Bandit told me several times today that his tummy was upset. You know what I said? “Eat your lunch.” Also popular was, “Uh huh, get your toys out of the living room,” and “Sorry to hear that.” We went to the Costco because we owed them $100 and needed toilet paper. On the way out, my family got pizza (I got lovely protein in the form of a chicken Caesar salad).

The boy told me again his tummy didn’t feel good and, again, I told him to eat his lunch.

Then he threw up all over my driveway. And again and again and again. Poor little man went to bed at 7:00 on his own volition.

I hate it when I’m a bad mommy.

We survived April Fools Day with only a small amount of bruising. Whew. You never know with April Fools Day. Bad things can happen. When Amylynn’s brother was little you’d have to spend the entire day wary of buckets of water or fake spiders or jacked up bed sheets. Now we just don’t take calls from him on that certain day of the year and we’re much happier for it. How did your day go? Are you one of those people or are you victim like we are? Here’s some stuff that happened this week.

1. Tragedy at the Circus. We were 100% certain that this story was an April Fools prank, but research prevailed and it turns out it’s real. As implausible as it is. An entire flea circus in Berlin was wiped out by the cold. That’s 300 fleas people. Of course, they carried around the entire cast in a Dixie cup. We’re just kidding. It was a box. We have no idea why the box was left in the cold. For crying out loud, they can’t find a cat to flea-sit? Fortunately, an insect expert at a local university was able to supply 50 fleas at the last minute. Apparently, the training period is very brief. Still, seems like they could go to any alley and rustle up more fleas.

2. This is NOT about Michael Jackson. It seems that Justin Bieber has left his monkey in Berlin and if he doesn’t go back and fetch it the customs people are going to give it to a zoo. We have no idea why he won’t go get his monkey or why he thought he could just charge through Germany with an unpapered monkey. We wondered, it they were willing to substitute another animal for the monkey, we’d happily go fetch it. Also, do you suppose it has any fleas for the guys in #1?

3. Geek wonder!. Sir Ian McKellen is going to officiate the wedding of Patrick Stewart and his new bride. How gonzo is that?! In case you’ve been living in a vacuum that’s Gandalf officiating for Captain Picard. OR Magneto marrying off Dr. Xavier. Will the X-Men be invited? The crew of the Enterprise? Will Hobbits be there? We’re keeping a very close eye on our mailboxes for invitations.  Otherwise, this is a wedding that screams to be crashed.

4. Tokyo Joe’s. Ava is in Denver to cheer on the boy-who-lives-at-her-house who’s in a robotics championship. She fully intended to make her very first stop outside the airport be Tokyo Joe’s, never mind that would be at like 8am in the morning. When Amylynn ignorantly asked what was so damn special, Ava replied, “It’s the best freakin beef teriyaki on the planet. I always get extra sesame seeds. The beef is cooked just right. The sauce is not too sweet, just right. The rice is perfectly steamed, not sticky, not hard, fluffy. And the people who sell it to you are all tattooed and pierced or they can’t work there.” Apprently, this restaurant is JUST RIGHT.

5. Amazon’s reviewers. This has been a long running joke on Facebook and we just finally looked in on it. If you’ve ignored it up to now, you should wait no longer. Honestly, people are so very, very clever. Prepare yourself for hysteria. 

We spent a lot of time at work today thinking up an anthem for our office. At first we thought we’d write one from scratch, but then we thought, “the Hell with that.”

There are already so many excellent songs that exactly convey our sentiments, why reinvent the wheel?

For example, if you substitute the right words into Hotel Bank of No Forks you have a real gem. “You can check-out anytime you like, but you can never leave.”

Or, the Animals hit, We Gotta Get Out of This Place.

We gotta get out of this place
If it’s the last thing we ever do
We gotta get out of this place, there’s a better life
Don’t you know, don’t you know
Man, don’t you know, don’t you know, don’t you know

And of course, the Boss said it best. Springsteen always says it best.

Baby this town rips the bones from your back
Its a death trap, it’s a suicide rap
We gotta get out while were young
`cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run

What song does your job inspire?