You know who’s fault it’s going to be if Ava and I get in trouble this week? My uncle, NewMexiKen. Knowing us as he does, why in God’s name would he send the following Tweet?

I went and read the story he linked to and learned that this is not unusual. Apparently, FedEx ships all kinds of animals Ava and I might be interested in – tigers, whales, penguins.

All this time, we thought we were going to have to get all the way to China to nab one, but it seems all we really need to figure out where they stop to refuel.

I honestly don’t see how this could go wrong.

I’ve been really busy lately getting manuscript number 2, Miss Goldsleigh’s Secret, ready for the second round of edits. I’m really excited about this book. Ava and I think it’s so much better than the first one.

So, while I was waiting around for Ava to finish reading the 1st round of edits so I could send it back to the editor, I started a Pinterest board for the story. You can check it out here.

This week has been exhausting. We had the corporate people in the office most of the week so we were sans cat. The weather was gorgeous so all we wanted to do was find a tree and watch the golfers. Well actually, watch would be a bit boring. We’d probably heckle the golfers. That sounds kinda fun, huh?

yeah…no.

Unless you’re the golfer. We can’t be held accountable when spring is in the air. These things amused us
this week.

1. Amylynn’s Podiatrist. Amylynn doesn’t think the whole thing is especially amusing. Ava thinks it’s a laugh riot and has spent a great deal of time researching the worlds ugliest orthopedic shoes. She’ll be in her office and all of a sudden a cackle will fill the air and Amylynn will hear, “Oh my god, you gotta come here!” only to find Ava damn near falling out of her chair over a pair of brown, velcro strapped clompers. Amylynn sees the doctor again on Monday to remove this hideous cast-like structure from her foot and will probably give very stern instructions Amylynn won’t

follow anyway.

2. Corporate. In case you needed more corporate speak, never fear. They were here in our office this week and Amylynn’s been keeping a dictionary of the bullshit that comes out of their mouths. Ready? How about “role migration” or “we’re changing the wheels on
the bus while it’s moving”. There’s always the times they make up words like “calendaring” or “sundowning” or “incentify”. Once they actually tried to throw some French in there with “part of your rigueur”. We’re 100% certain they have no idea what they’re talking about either.

3. Art thieves. The FBI announced they have finally solved one of the biggest art heists. The $500 million dollar thief went unsolved for 23 years. In 1990 two men managed to steal thirteen pieces of art from the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston in under 82 minutes. The FBI won’t say who the thieves were or if they’re in jail already for other crimes, but they’re positive they’ve been identified. The kicker is they still don’t have the art back – and we’re talking big names – Rembrandt, Manet, Vermeer. So, if you happen to be at a yard sale and see a Manet for $3.00 you should pick that up.

4. White tigers. The Buenos Aires Zoo just debuted four of them – two boys and two girls. By our estimation that’s at least two too many. Their mother, Cleo, is doing fabulously but we bet she could use a nap. Do you hear a road trip brewing? It’s a mere 5,703.7 miles. We’re gonna load up on Red Vines and bottled water. We’ll be there in a week or so. If Brazil calls, you didn’t hear anything. Just tell them we’re in the bathroom and we’ll call ’em right back.

5. The 70’s Station. Amylynn brings in her XM radio to the office everyday as well as the cat, her laptop, several books and a hernia. The radio is awesome though because then we can listen to theme music all day. Lately we’ve been into the 70’s channel. It’s music that takes you right back to feathered hair and summers in your mother’s blue Dodge Matador. While you’re listening you simply can’t believe you can still remember all the words to all the songs. All of them – the Beegees, the Eagles, The Carpenters, Marvin Gaye . Even dreaded ABBA! Each song comes on and we squeal, “I LOVE this song.” And then we do the Hustle. Even the cat is amused.

My birthday is five months away. Everyone who knows me, knows that I’m getting geared up to start the announcements. I’m not shy about my birthday. I may not tell you exactly how old I am. I might lie, but I’ll still totally cop to the fact that it’s my birthday.

I’m also not shy in telling you that I’m going to expect a present. I thought it might be nice to start putting some ideas out there for you.

I haven’t had a pair of cowboy boots in forever, and I live in a cowboy town. It’s reprehensible. These are Quill Sisters colors – gorgeous. These need to be mine. I wear a size 7.

You can never, ever go wrong with a puppy. There is no size consideration – in fact, it’s the one time in your gift giving life where the bigger size is better. I adore this puppy.

If I could only ever go on one more vacation in my entire life, it would be Rome. Then, maybe if there’s a little more time, to Venice. Still, Rome would be my first choice.

I’ve also always wanted a car with gull-wing doors. In previous years I’ve asked for Lamborghinis and other craziness. This year I’m going with a simple Mercedes. The 2014 SLS AMG in silver would do me very nicely. Also, the puppy would match, don’t you think. And Silver would not clash with my blue boots.

There are a few ideas.

I’ll try and do you another solid by giving you some more hints in the months to come.

I have a really fun interview today over at The Dashing Duchesses. The post is really fun since, this time, the interviewer zeroed in on some unusual stuff.

Pop over and take a quick read.

Our trip to Disneyland is still seven weeks away. Seven long, long weeks. That has not stopped The Bandit from hauling a suitcase out of the hall closet and dumping all his clothes in it.

He was trying to get me to help him pack last night. At this point, I’m just hoping he’s still alive to go at all.

Yesterday, when My Honey and the kids got home from school and work, the boy asked if he could have a snack. His father asked him to define a snack. They agreed on some SmartFood popcorn and my husband went off to take a shower.

When he walked back into the living room, the boy had eaten ALL the Smartfood, a half carton of blackberries, a package of PopTarts – and the piece de resistance – an ice cream sandwich the boy threw behind the couch so he wouldn’t get caught. He actually threw a 1/2 eaten ice cream sandwich behind the couch.

Behind the couch. Cause that seems like the best possible solution, huh? I worry that the boy isn’t good in an emergency.

When confronted he denied it, of course, even though My Honey actually SAW him do it.

I hope he lasts the next seven weeks. He’s finally tall enough to ride the big rides.

I’m back at work today, gimping around like I’m 97 years old. Although, it is fun to talk about in front of Ava because she gets all nauseous.

On Tuesdays I work the late shift at work. Yes, Bank of No Forks has a late shift. It is exactly as ridiculous as you think it is. The late shift equates to 11-8pm, but we all voted and we come in at 12pm and don’t take a lunch. I love the coming in late part because I get up with the kids and get them ready for school. I actually drive them there in my pajamas. Yes, I’m that mom. The minute I get home, I throw my keys on the bench and walk directly back to bed. I do not pass go. I do not collect $200. I do not talk to the cat. I literally fall back into bed and get up again around 10:45. It’s beautiful.

The late shift is great when you’re me because the phone rings exactly zero times from 6-8 and there are no customers either. That means I can get tons of work done on my manuscripts or whatever other writery stuff needs to get done.

Except today.

People from corporate have been here all week and will be again tomorrow. That means no cat. It also means I can’t unpack my personal computer to work on stuff here either.

I thought there’d be no problem though once he left. Surely, the man would leave at 5 o’clock like a normal corporate person, right? Yeah, no. Ava left. I’d like that noted. It wasn’t even 5:30 when she sprinted for the door.  Ava here: in my defense, I had to run to a pharmacy that was closing by 6:00PM and I really thought the corporate person would go running out the second I left the parking lot – corporate people are like that.  Oh, and it was actually 5:34PM when I left.

At least he finally stopped talking to me. That was AWFUL. I make it a point to avoid corporate people like they have leprosy. I’m not a suck up and can never keep my mouth shut when things bother me and, believe me, there are bountiful things for me to complain about at Bank of No Forks.  Ava again: the corporate person mentioned a restaurant he was planning on eating at based on a friend’s recommendation.  The restaurant used to be fine but has gone seriously down hill in recent years.  Amy mentioned this to the corporate person and he didnt seem to care and insisted he was going with his friend’s recommendation.  Amy said “Fine, eat there.”  The look on her face said “You’re an idiot.”

There is no way I can get my own laptop open on my desk without him noticing. For Zeus’s sake I couldn’t even read the paper today.

I’d like it noted that at the writing of this blog, it’s 7:44 and he’s still here. Sitting directly across from me. He’s not even on the phone, just working on his computer like he can’t do that in the hotel.

I’m telling you that I’m leaving at 8PM on the dot. I will turn the lights off and lock the door even if his ass is still sitting at that desk. He may have to wash up in the kitchen and pee in the sink cause I’m the only one with a key.

Ava: this entire two hours consisted of Amy texting me every five minutes to let me know he was s t i l l  there.  Thank goodness she doesn’t carry . . .

ARRRRGGGGGGG!

We just booked our summer Disneyland vacation. Let that be the theme for today.