We are so excited about Amylynn’s book coming out this month we can hardly stand it. We still don’t have a date yet, but we will very soon. You’d better believe that you’ll be among the first to know. Besides the book, we’re just super excited to be putting away the Christmas decorations. Well, some of us are. Ava will leave that crap up forever. Granted, her stuff is pretty and Amylynn’s is child-centric. Still, Amylynn hates how nothing fits in the house with that stupid tree. Like everyone else, we had New Year’s resolutions. We told you about the diet one but there was another one, too. We vowed to stop complaining about Bank of No Forks. That lasted about ten minutes. Failure never felt so satisfying. We’ll never give up the option to giggle, though. Here’s what we found for this week.

1. Tanning Lady. This lady’s story has been around for a couple of months, but Ava just became aware of it. If you don’t know, this woman was charged with putting her 6 year old child in a tanning booth. She was arrested and went to court for child endangerment. The story faded away, but Time Magazine mentioned it in a year-end retrospective and that’s when Ava saw it. The reason we think it’s so funny is that the woman is really, really, REALLY tan. And also from New Jersey. Ava is from New Jersey too and we love to tease about the NJ stereotypes. Just to be clear, Ava is ghostly white with

Le pomme shoppe

lovely flat hair and conservative fingernails. She doesn’t fit the stereotype at all. Except for that fascination with fire. We don’t know what we’re going to do about that.

2. Apple Store a la Paris. Armed thieves stole $1.25 million dollars of Apple products on New Years Eve from the Apple store behind the Paris Opera House. They broke in and stole laptops and iPhones and iPads then loaded them into – and here’s our favorite part – a Mercedes van. If this happened in the States, you can be assured it would have been a Ford Econoline. How very classy to

rob a Paris store with a Mercedes, don’t you think. We mean really, how gauche to use a Chevy or a Dodge. Hey, if anyone knows anything about this, we would love a couple extra iPads and a few iPhone 5s.

3. Way worse than a speeding ticket. Our town uses radar vans to catch speeders. The police park them all around town and you have to keep your eyes sharp or you’re screwed. Apparently one local fellow wasn’t keeping his eyes open and ran right into the parked van. Was he playing with the radio? Was he texting? Was he practicing a especially damaging version of civil disobedience? We don’t know for sure except that he was arrested for suspicion of drunk driving. We don’t want you to worry. He, his passenger and the guy sitting in the van were not harmed. Neither was the radar equipment. Thank God for that, huh?

4. Hillary’s out. We love Hillary Clinton with a bi-partison sort of girl love. Many people don’t and you certainly have the right as an American to be wrong about that. Still, we love her and were very concerned about her care while in the hospital the last week for a blood clot in her head. Hospitals are where people go to die and we thought she should

hurry up and get out of there. We tried to call the nurses station to check on her, but the Secret Service asked us very nicely to stop that. Then several fellows in Foster Grant sunglasses and dark suits stopped by the office and made their position quite clear. We did make them promise to tell her we cared and are worried about her. Get well, Hil. Did you get the chocolates we sent?

5. White trash crushes. We have no idea how this happened. We were raised right – well mostly, and normally we have very high standards. It seems that we have developed serious crushes on several outstanding examples of white trash men and we don’t know what to do about it. Ava didn’t really want you all to know. She’s embarrassed, but Amylynn insisted that we confess all kinds of nonsense on this blog and we’re not going to shy away from telling you about this little quirk. Odds are, if you use estrogen, you agree with us anyway. We’ve asked a lot of our friends and they have all concurred. Maybe this is our weird version of a mid-life crises. So we bet you’re wondering who these guys are. Don’t judge. Alright, here goes: Jax Teller from Sons of Anarchy, Daryl Dixon from The Walking Dead, and Jace Robertson from Duck Dynasty. It’s

inexplicable. What’s really weird is that we’d never talk to them in real life. Jax might make us ogle but we’d never chat up an unwashed biker. We’re not completely sure that Daryl can string six sentences together to form a conversation, and Jace has a beard to rival ZZ Top. But holy cow – Jax is an over-the-top hot Alpha male. Daryl runs around on a motorcycle  with a crossbow saving everyone’s life and crooning to babies until our ovaries cramp up. And Jace is adorable under all that hair and blows you away with his college educated use of the English language, outrageous sense of humor and ninja level grasp of irony. We are complicated ladies, indeed.

Just ignore the fact that whoever wrote the sentiment used the wrong “were”.

We do FEEEEEEL thinner – after one whole day, but still….

I think I’ve discussed this before, but I need a genie to grant me magic powers.

Before I mentioned that I wanted to have the ability to dish out instant karma. I’d like to change that. Instead, I want the power of telekinesis.

I do not need bent forks. They are stupid. What I need is the remote.

You know how every time you get settled on the couch with a nice cup of tea and the blanket is just settled over your lap and the kitty has settled in nicely next to you – that’s when you see the TV remote across the room.

Who the hell left the remote across the room? you wonder. What kind of idiots do I live with? you ponder.  Of course it was you. If anyone else was awake you could convince them to get you the remote, but the rest of the family is all asleep. The cat is useless. If you had the power of telekinesis you could just float that stupid remote right over to you.

I found a website that is supposed to teach you how. It seems like a lot of work.

It would totally be worth giving up the power to dish out instant karma though.

We were watching the movie John Carter. The dogs were both asleep on the couch. Sassy and I were tucked under fuzzy throw blankets and we were listening to the freezing cold rain falling outside. The Bandit is in the bathtub singing along with the radio, loudly. It took some finagling to get him into the bath. He acts like the dirt is the glue that’s holding him together and if he washes it off, he’ll loose a limb or something. Oddly, when we finally get him in the tub, it’s an even bigger fight getting him out.

Back to the movie. It’s a bad movie, but that hasn’t deterred me in the past. Since I’m rarely only doing one thing at a time, I watch TV with only a third of my brain anyway. The title character of the movie can leap like crazy. Sassy wanted to know why that was so I tried to explain about gravity and how it’s different on other planets and how that would could make you super strong or super weak depending.

She blinked at me.

So I tried to use the example of Superman and how he was a regular man on his planet but when he came to Earth he got special powers – all because of gravity. I considered myself pretty nifty, turning a bad movie into a science lesson. One point for me. I never expect to win parent of the year but I do like to keep track of my points for when Child Protective Services shows up. Eventually they will when they find out I let them stay up and watch awful movies and make them clean their rooms and feed the dogs.

“Superman couldn’t fly on his planet?”

“Nope,” I told her.

“What planet was he from?” she asked.

“Krypton.”

“And you’re telling me he couldn’t fly or run as fast as a train before he got here?”

“Nuh-uh.”

She put her hand on her hip which isn’t easy when you’re sitting on the couch. “Only when he came to Earth? And gravity did all that?” Her look was of absolute skepticism.

“Yes.”

“Mmmm kay.”

“Look,” I told her, “I don’t make this shit up.”

So much for my points. I think this round can safely be considered a draw.

This will be the last Favorite Things of 2012. It’s been an interesting year. Not especially fabulous, not truly awful – just sort of here. 2013 is going to start off with a bang. Amylynn will have two books up on Amazon in the first quarter. Maybe even three. We’ll see how organized we are right off the bat. Still, it’s going to be a banner 2013. Ready. Set. Go.  Alright, hold your horses. We’ve got a couple of days left in 2012 to loaf about. Here’s some funny stuff to round out your year.

1. Fabulous quote. There are some women out there who routinely give birth without the assistance of drugs. We say good for you. We’re not of that ilk. If there is reincarnation, we can guarantee you we were not those women who squatted in a field, pushed out a child then went right back to tilling. No possible way. Apparently neither is Megan Fox. Behold the best quote from a movie starlet ever. “I thought I was going to be tough and the nurses would be like, ‘She’s a warrior princess’…[but] as soon as I got out of the car, I was already crying…[and] asking the security guard for an epidural.” Really, pregnancy and child birth are the great equalizer. All you pregnant women out there – just take the drugs. We’re not animals.

2. Beer theft. Two guys got arrested for over one hundred thefts of beer which they ripped off from convenience stores, took back to their house and sold off piecemeal at a discount. Even with the discount price the overhead was next to nil so we imagine they made a nice profit. Of course, you can imagine that the mug shots of these two jackasses looked exactly like you’d expect. Do you suppose they set up a bar in the living room? Do you think they carded people? 

3. Crossing guard cat. The state of Washington has a crossing guard cat. Really. There is a kitty named Sable who adopted a family who lived near a middle school. The kitty started showing up at the crosswalk everyday in the morning and afternoon so supervise the kids crossing the street. Everyday. Rain or shine. They even got him a little orange safety vest. We love this. Who doesn’t like a kitty in a vest?

4. Baby Bigfoot. Ava lost like an hour of her life watching a show profiling people searching for Bigfoot. These people are very serious. Very, very serious. Ava wanted to know why we couldn’t have that show. Amylynn reminded her that we don’t like the outdoors and that the woods is most definitely outside. In fact, it doesn’t get anymore outside than the woods and that is where Bigfoot supposedly lives. Ava did point out that if there is a Bigfoot then there must be baby Bigfoots too. If there are baby Bigfoots then we’re definitely going to need us one of those. Can’t you just see the news footage of Ava and Amylynn running out of the woods carrying a wee Bigfoot that we tempted away with fruit and berries and maybe a cupcake and a giant momma Bigfoot chasing along behind? It could happen.

5. Local News. Actually, we hate local news. Admittedly there are moments of absurdity that make it worth it. Besides, we do love to heckle.  The local news is even more ridiculous than the Picayune newspaper. Everyone once in a while you should tune in just so that you can spend a half hour in outrage. It’s good for your digestion.

You may remember that Ava and I are huge fans of the Walking Dead. Honestly, we’re beginning to wonder at the series of crushes we seem to be developing with white trash characters on television. We would like to make it VERY CLEAR that we wouldn’t talk to any of these men in real life unless it would be to correct their grammar and suggest a series of personal hygiene treatments. But while they are kicking ass or making smart ass comments we feel a little swoon-ey.

One of my writer friends also has a crush on Daryl Dixon of The Walking Dead. Actually, as it turns out, a lot of our writer girl friends are crushing on Daryl. One of them even suggested that the episode where his bad-ass self was crooning to a baby even while his ever present crossbow was strapped to his back caused a million pairs of ovaries to contract in lust. I think she’s absolutely right.

Anyway, these friends forwarded the following spoof – The Walking Dead Christmas Special.

Seriously, this is spot on.

So Jojo Kitty is a bit of a dope. I’m certain he can’t help it – he is after all a very pretty young man and every pretty young man I’ve ever known has been a dope.

Over Christmas he thought he’d have a bit of an adventure. I still have no idea how he got out of the house. I suspect the Bandit had something to do with it, although when asked he claimed to have no idea what I was ranting about. That boy wouldn’t notice a herd of stampeding elephants bursting through the door. I worry about that kid.

Anyway, no one noticed that Jojo was outside. In fact it wasn’t until I realized the idiot dog and his stupider friend had been barking for ten minutes that I put two and two together and got a missing cat. The only time Winnie the Wondermut barks is when she’s trying to get the cats to play with her. I have no idea when she’s going to learn that the old cat, Geddy, isn’t going to play with her. Ever. I guess she’ll learn it when he actually kills her. Still, her endearing attempts are pretty funny, but not as funny as the look on the cat.

I got a flashlight and went out into the backyard. I found him by the prancing Labrador – filthy and pitiful under the picnic table. The dogs had roughed him up pretty good. I’d warned him that the living room was his but that the backyard was the domain of the dogs and they can get pretty rambunctious. He was unharmed, just muddy and annoyed. Of course, he was more annoyed when he got a bath in the sink. Actually he did pretty well considering that I held him by the nape and My Honey squirted him with the hose attachment. I think the part he hated the most was being forced to cuddle with me on the couch for half and hour swaddled in towels.

That’s life.

Today, Ava and Jojo and I all had to go back to work. We don’t know what his problem was, but he was all kinds of testy and difficult. He yelled at me the entire time I was in Ava’s office discussing appointments for the day. Literally yelled at me. I kept inviting him over but he refused to come. Instead, he sat in the doorway to my office across the hall from Ava’s and meowed and squeaked in the most plaintive way. When that didn’t get him what he wanted, he attacked the office plants and then sat in the bookshelf outside her office and stared at us in the most unsettling fashion. Finally we decided that all he really wanted was for me to come back to my office so he could go to sleep. I have no idea why he found it absolutely necessary for me to sit next to him while he did it, but when I sat down, it finally shut him up.

The problem was, I had back-to-back appointments so I was out of my office again for about two hours. During that time, I heard that he roamed around acting fretful and whiny. He wandered over to Ava’s office where he stuck his face in a lit candle not once but twice. Ava moved it away from him the first time but he was compelled to climb around on her desk, over her computer monitor and past the phone just so he could stick his face in there again.

He has two curly eyebrows now, singed for our amusement. Curiosity did not kill that cat but it leaves the smell of burning hair and a glob of mud in the sink.

See. He’s a dope. A gorgeous, moronic dope.