NEW RELEASES
Sadly, it was about this age for me, too.
Merry Christmas to everyone! We had a really late start this morning as far as Christmas is concerned. My kids didn’t get up until 7:40 which is pretty miraculous. I can
remember several years where I was sending the short people back to bed as early as 3:30 in the morning. The policy has always been that the sun must actually be up before Christmas can begin. I think that’s totally reasonable.
It was a lovely day. The kids got a ton of stuff and it was very loud at our house today. I got a new laptop which just about made me pee myself. My old laptop was embarrassing. It was missing three letters so I had another wireless keyboard I would set on top of the laptop to type. That is not really a set up you want to take to the Starbucks with the rest of the writers and their sleek machines. I was like the low rent writer with, what my brother-in-law would call, a Jethro laptop.
Even though it was a lovely day, I am ending it on a sad note. I worked really hard this whole week. Sassy kept asking roundabout questions I did my best to evade, but she wasn’t having any of it.
Finally she asked me point blank, with no easing into it, whether or not I was Santa Claus.
Crap.
I told her if she didn’t believe in Santa she didn’t get the presents, but that didn’t sway her. So then I asked if she was sure she wanted to know. She told me yes and I found that I could no longer lie. She took it very well. She had already come to the undeniable conclusion so that softened the blow. She didn’t piece together the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy yet, but she will when they come around, I’m certain. It’s only a matter of time.
I took the news way harder than she did.
I wonder if I can get the boy all the way to college before he figures it out.
Merry Christmas
Get in bed! Santa’s coming!
The point system
This was sent by one of the authors in the writer’s group in which the Quill Sister’s belong. I’ve seen it before, but I thought I’d post it with a few comments as pertains to the Sisters. I’ve made comments in red.
The Female Demerit System
(To be posted on refrigerator door)
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) And a cat. There’s probably a cat under there too.You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)But return with Beer (-5)
You make the bed (+1)You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) And a cat. There’s probably a cat under there too.You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It’s her pet (-20) Should this happen we suggest you just get the car and leave
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80) See if she’ll give you a ride home, too.
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3) All you can eat dessert? That would be fine.
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It’s called ‘Death Cop’ (-3) We might consider this one. Who’s in it?
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15) Is this going to try to make us cry? If so, we’re totally out.
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000) Now it doesn’t matter how many points you have because you’re dead.
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what) OMG – this is so true. Sorry to say, but it is.
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA
Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000) Which explains why you haven’t said anything stupid in the last 30 minutes.
December 21
Christmas is so close – you can smell it. The aroma of cookies and peppermint wafts in the air. A hint of reindeer poo hangs around on the fringes. We hope you have all the stuff done you need done because you only want to go to the mall this weekend if you have a death wish. Or perhaps you have a deep desire for incarceration because that’s what you’re setting yourself up for before you even get out of the parking lot. Besides, it’s cold out there. There’s wind. Remember, we don’t do wind.
Actually, we might consider doing a bit of a breeze if we were wearing the outfit from #1 below. Get yourself some nog and a cookie – if the Quill Sister of your choice hasn’t already eaten them all – and find something to chortle about.
1. Coziness. We’d consider moving to the frozen tundra if we got to wear this. This kid is adorable and we’ll bet with the exception of his wind burned cheeks, he’s nice and warm. We’re also going to assume he’s not the least bit smelly. That can sometimes happen with fur, you know. We know for certain we wouldn’t smell if we wore this. Fresh as daisies on the Siberian plains we’d be. We’re 
wondering, if we buy two of these do we get a discount on a yak? We’d like a yak to park by our yurt. It’s possible we’ve had too much sugar.
2. Hasbro. We’re so proud of Hasbro for stepping up to the plate in designing an Easy Bake Oven for boys. If you’re unfamiliar with the story then we suggest you move back to the States cause this story was everywhere. Outer Mongolia might have fur snowsuits but the Wall Street Journal doesn’t deliver there. Anyway, a wonderful sister wanted to get her brother this toy but she could only find it in very girly colors. She appealed to Hasbro, the manufacturer of the Oven, and with the support of several famous male chefs including Bobby Flay, Hasbro will be putting out a silver and gray oven next year. Yea! We love to get ourselves riled up for injustices – no matter how small. Or tasty. However, in this case possibly the morsels in question will most likely be half raw, half burned globs of unidentifiable dough decorated with sprinkles.
3. Incredibly apt bumper stickers. Just the other day, Ava saw this bumper sticker: Queen of Everything. We believe we deserve stickers that say that as well. We might not know everything, but believe us when we tell you we certainly have an opinion about it.
4. Oreos at the end of the world. We didn’t start writing this blog until way after 11:11 today – just in case we didn’t have to write it at all. That would have been a damn waste of time had we all died with an unpublished blog sitting out there. Anyway, we’re still here. Nabisco hasn’t gone the way of Hostess so the End-of-The-World forecasters can drown their sorrows. Wouldn’t it be funny
This is a very cute dog, but it’s not a sheep
if the Mayans were off by a day and tomorrow is really the end of the world? Like if maybe they let the Chief’s son do some of the calculations even though they knew he was a total putz and he jacked it up by one day. It sounds like the basis for a great Saturday Night Live skit. Get Loren Michaels on the phone.
5. Goldendoodle Sheep. There is a church in town who does a live Nativity complete with a donkey named Jasmine – which by the way we think is a terrible name for a donkey unless that donkey is a stripper or a sultan’s daughter. After we liberate that poor animal, we’re changing her name. Polly is a good name for a donkey. ANYWAY… They added a goldendoodle (golden retriever and poodle mix) to the manger scene. Wait, you say, where the hell did a poodle fit into the Nativity? It’s substituting for a sheep. Yes a sheep. You’re giggling now aren’t you? We did when we read the story. Do they really expect us to believe they couldn’t get their hands on a real WHITE poodle? Or a sheep for crying out loud? Great, now we’re going to have to liberate a mis-named donkey AND a goldendoodle with an identity crisis. We just hope they get along with the yak.
Are you ready?
The end of the world is scheduled for tomorrow. Are you ready? Are you prepared? 
I’m not. All I’ve done to prepare is eat all the cookies and let the gasoline in my car run out. I figure I’ll die fat but sated and I’m certainly not wasting any money on gas just for the
end of the world. Where the hell would I drive to anyway?
These weather forecasts totally crack me up. I love that people are so clever.
Well, I’ll either chat with you on Friday with the 5 Favorite Things…
Or I won’t.
I’d rather the world end in a fiery ball as opposed to an ice age. I really, really hate being cold.
Which is your favorite?
Poor fishy
I do love me some Simon’s Cat.
Here’s Jojo Kitty preparing to attack me through the cord hole in my desk. He shoves both his arms through that hole and tries to grab you. There is much shrieking and glee and for a few minutes we forget whatever horrible work thing is going on.
Chonies, drawers, whatever. Go put them on.
I’ve told you that we’ve long had trouble with my boy not wearing underwear. I don’t know why this is such an issue. Wear underwear – don’t wear underwear, I don’t know why we care so much. Maybe it’s a control thing. Whatever. Little dude needs to wear underwear. When he’s better at remembering to wipe his butt, then he can decide whether he wants to wear underwear. Until then… Hanes are our friends.
This weekend, he and his father went out shopping while Sassy, her grandmother and I made 87,000 cookies. I have no idea what they did out there in the world. They refused to tell me. I hate this time of year because I hate secrets unless they’re my secrets.
After they’d done all the secret stuff, they stopped off to find some cool outfit for Christmas dinner.
My Honey insisted they try stuff on. Zeus bless him.
“I can do it myself,” the boy tried to tell his father.
“Yeah, no. Get in there.” My Honey shoved him into the dressing room and followed along behind.
“Turn around.”
“Just take off your pants.”
The Bandit pushed down his sweatpants to reveal shorts. Off with the shorts and he revealed pajama bottoms.
“Do you have underwear on under there?” My Honey asked with a shake of his head.
“Yeah,” he said with a grin.
We do not understand this child. He’s really weird. Some days we can’t let him out of the house because he’s underpants-less. Other days he has on nineteen layers.
Tonight at dinner he spilled his milk and sat on a chicken leg. No one knows if he had underwear on or not.
That’s the one for us
The girl is campaigning for a gerbil. I have no idea why. They smell and they’re noisy. I know it’s illogical that I would have this opinion since I’m so gung-ho about all the other animals. Nevertheless, I’m absolutely against gerbils.
She doesn’t care. She wants one. She’s priced them out at the store. She’s gone on Amazon and researched the cost of a cage and wood shavings and every other thing a homeless gerbil needs.
Except the cost of a willing mother. We are outrageously expensive.
I’ve tried appealing to her softer side when I assure her that Jojo Kitty will happily eat a gerbil. Her response that she’ll keep him in cage where he’d be safe. I assured her that wouldn’t keep that blood thirsty cat from eating a tiny rodent. I explained how he would stalk that poor animal until it died of a heart attack.
Still she insists she’ll use her own money and that she planned to name him Gibley.
I am not swayed.
She is trying to be sneaky. On the grocery list directly between yogurt and spaghetti she wrote in gerbil. ***snort*** Like they have those over by the produce section or something. Perhaps she thought we might have a coupon to redeem.
I keep hoping My Honey stays strong with me on this, but I can feel him wavering. Perhaps I should come up with a contingency plan. Do you suppose the pet store has a sickly gerbil they’d sell me? One with a patch of hair missing and no one knows why?