The Quill Sisters have received the following letter:

Quill Sisters:

The party of the first part, Dow Chemical, and the party of the second part, the Quill Sisters, are requested to immediately remove the blog entry dated June 10,2011 entitled “Jello is not a Dessert”.   Although this post seems to be in jest, the first party, Dow Chemical, does not appreciate being credited with the invention of jello and/or gelatin.   That’s just mean.  The maligning of a truly fine company is rude and, frankly, not funny.  The next time the second party, the Quill Sisters, wants to credit the first party, Dow Chemical, with an invention, they should research the company on wikipedia – just like everyone else would do.  At a minimum, a written apology is expected on the blog of the second party, the Quill Sisters.  As punishment, we are sending a one year supply of dandelion flavored jello.  

Sincerely,

Scary Attorney’s for Dow Chemical Company 

Dear Dow Chemical,

After receiving your letter, I realized that you are absolutely right to complain.  If someone even hinted that I had invented jello I too would have my attorney, if I had one, send off a scathing letter of correction.  The demand for a written apology is too little for such a vicious attack on your fine company.  In the future, I will be much more careful when attempting to be “funny”.  But admit it, it really could have happened that way!

Sincerely,

Ava

I do not like jello.  I have never liked jello.  Jello is not a dessert.  Even if you have very low dessert standards – it is not a dessert.  It’s not even a food. 

Jello was invented in 1845 by Dow Chemical in order to make a profit off of their waste products.  Some scientist came up with this brilliant marketing idea and Eureka!  – Jell-O was born.  Actually, I made that up.  Gelatin is a protein produced from collagen extracted from boiled bones, connective tissues, and the intestines of animals.  Hahahaha!  Admit it, you’d rather the Dow story was the truth!  But no – the boiled bone fact is true!

Right about now, you’re wondering why I bring this up and have ruined your jello eating ways.  In the past week, the Louis’ have been offered jello  – twice.  Stop it. Ed does not like jello either.  (We might be the only two people in the world who will not eat jello, thank the gods we found each other.  I believe it’s one of the pillars of our 23+ years of marriage.)  I don’t want to be offered jello ever again.  Ed shares this sentiment.  We both felt everyone needed this information ASAP because summer is high jello-making season.  The temperature rises, the bugs come out and jello is made.

The following are discontinued jello flavors: Celery, Italian salad, Mixed vegetable, Seasoned tomato, Dead weasel.  Okay, I made the last one up.

Don’t be fooled by the 1964 jello slogan – “There’s always room for Jell-O”  There is never room for jello – anywhere or anytime.  Ever.

Speaking of dead weasels, because we were, a man in Hoquiam, WA, carried a dead weasel into an apartment and assaulted a man.  The victim asked “Why are you carrying a weasel?” The attacker said, “It’s not a weasel; it’s a marten.”  I did not make that up.

Hahahahahhaaaaaaaaaaa!  Have a fabulous weekend.

As you all know, Amylynn and I work for a large company.  We are beefing up security at our office and the “Protective Services Manager” stopped by to discuss our new security measures and other security tactics with us.  This started out funny because none of the new security equipment has been installed but the poor guy had to come out to talk about it anyway.  He kept saying things like “If the cameras were installed …” or “If the buzzer was here …” This left him  pantomiming in a hilarious fashion.

Anyway, sometimes someone will say something that I can’t forget and I’ll dwell on it for days.  During this meeting, the security guy told us that if you ever think you’re being followed – you should make four consecutive right turns.  Several people were nodding their heads as if they knew this fact.  Based on the group response, he did not need to elaborate.  Well, I have never heard that before.

After the meeting, I asked Amylynn if she knew that fact about the four right turns and she did.  So I asked her why that works. She asked if I was joking.  I assured her, I was not.  She told me that after four right hand turns you end up where you started.  Only a person following you would make four right hand turns.  Not taking any chances – she stared into my eyes to make sure I understood.  I did . . . but . . . than I started to think about it, which is never good.

Me – “Why can’t it be four left turns?”

Amylynn – “It can.”

Me – “Than why did he specify four RIGHT turns?”

Amylynn – “I have work to do.”

Which is an outrageous lie, neither one of us has any work to do.

At home later, I ran this by Ed.  He did not want to discuss it either. He felt it was knowledge I did not need since I hardly ever drive.  He felt it was information that only he and Amy needed because they are my primary mode of transportation.  That’s true enough but I was still concerned.

Me – “What happens if they are not hard right turns?  What if the road sort of curves to the right?  Does that count?  Is that number one?”

Ed – “You need Amy, call Amy.  Call her now.”

Me – “She doesn’t want to discuss it either.”

Ed – (thinking he’s mumbling) “Smart girl.”

Me – “I heard that!”

So here’s the funny part.  I was still thinking about this on Saturday while the Quill Sisters were shopping.  A man got angry at Kelli for not walking fast enough and started following us.  He was clearly crazy.  I’m from jersey so I can deal with crazy – right there in the middle of mall I made four right turns and the crazy man quickly found a bench to sit on and left us alone. 

Those four right turns work!!!!!

I have six toys on my desk from the children’s meals at fast food restaurants. 

My favorite is a green dragon. He has a button on his back that when pushed causes him to flap his wings and open his mouth.  I feed him M&Ms, but only the green ones. 

I also have a purple and white alien type creature. He has a button on his front. When you press it he says, “Bom Bom Bump a Bump, Bom Bom Bump a Bump.” For those of you in mortgage lending, you know that is what a loan officer sounds like when you ask him a question about one of his loans. He has three legs and a deely bopper on his head. 

There is also a white, big blue-eyed sheep.  She is frolicking amongst some paper flowers – she doesn’t do anything, but I like her anyway. She reminds me of a lot of people I know. 

The fuzzy white polar bear doesn’t do anything either, but appears all snuggly and soft. 

The last two are a super hero with an “M” on his chest – his hands are clenched into fists which seems rather aggressive, but I know the feeling during our endless big company training this week, and the last is a deer (I think) sitting in a pink purse and her head bobbles, sort of like my own at the end of the day of training. 

Do you need to know what’s on my desk? Certainly not.  Why am I telling you this? I’m glad you asked.  This blog is for the people who called or texted me the other day to say:

“Where the hell have you been?? We thought you were dead.”

“Is Amylynn in a coma?”

“Did Amylynn sell her children?”

“Did Amylynn/Kelli threaten to revoke your Quill Sister membership?” (Not true, I swear.)

And my favorite “You’re really funny, but who would remember that? It’s been what, ten years since you wrote anything?”

Don’t make me write a blog about what I keep in desk drawer – keep your funny comments to yourself this time!

Harold Camping says that the world will end this Saturday, May 21, 2011.  He originally said that it would end in 1994 but when that didn’t actually happen, he admitted he’d made a mathematical error.  Make all the jokes you want (Amylynn and I have) but we all really need to admit that’s it’s possible and to come up with a game plan.

Here’s mine:

May 16th –

Eat cake for breakfast

Eat ice cream for lunch

Eat cake and ice cream for dinner

May 17th, 18th, 19th –

See May 16th

May 20th – 

Eat cake and ice cream for breakfast

Eat cake and ice cream for lunch

Eat cake and ice cream for dinner

Let’s be honest here because we’re all friends.  If the end of the world really is this Saturday, no one should eat another yukky (yes, you broccoli!) healthy food again.  And don’t listen to Amylynn, I do not eat cake and ice cream everyday even when the world is not coming to an end at the end of the week!

Hallelujah!

Here in our smallish town we have to wait years for most national stores to come down our way.  More than a year ago, we received the joyous news that the Cheesecake Factory was going to open a restaurant here.  The construction stated quickly and the building was completed in a short time.  The anticipation of the grand opening could be felt in the air – I swear.

Then the oddest thing happened, the restaurant didn’t open.  It was fully complete and furnished inside.  I know because ever few weeks when I was over at the mall, I attempted to peek inside.  Literally, months have gone by and no grand opening.  The town was awash in rumors  . . .  not opening because of the economy, not opening because the construction people were owed money, not opening because no one wanted cheesecake (that last one was a joke, only the insane don’t like cheesecake).

Well, our patience has finally paid off – the opening celebration is set for this Thursday.

Amylynn and I came up with a plan.  We want to go there for 57 consecutive days and have each of their cheesecake flavors and then we want to blog about each heavenly slice.  We see this as a public service – how else will you know exactly what each one tastes like and which ones to try and in what order???

I told Ed of our plans, and get this, he said no!  NO.  Seriously, he thinks it’s a bad idea.  Sadly, the divorce papers are in the mail and I rubbed cheesecake on them.   Pbbbbbbbbbbbbt!

Today was a good day in the Quill Sister’s world, we got to spend the morning and part of the afternoon together.  That’s really how we like to spend our free time, when we can, and it doesn’t happen nearly enough to suit us.

Today, at our writing meeting, we were listening to a fabulous speaker and she brought up “Noble Silence”.

Amylynn’s head whipped around to me and she said “Noble Silence?”

I had to laugh – Noble Silence – these are not two words that would ever be strung together in that order to describe me or Amylynn, maybe Isabella – but just slightly.

That got me thinking, while I was driving my safari jeep through the savannah and passed a lioness  (I saw a girl by the college with a massive head of blond Jersey hair), about silence.  I wondered if I was ever silent or how long I could be silent for . . . 

In the car, I sing  – the first three episodes of the newest season of American Idol awful but anyway, no silence there.  At home I talk constantly to my family – they talk back so I don’t think they mind.  On the rare occasion that I am home alone, I’m really not – the dog is there.  I never leave him alone because he’s like one of my kids.   I talk to him non stop.  I’m not silent at work because people are always in my office wanting something or wanting to talk about their many issues.  Apparently, I’m never silent.

That makes me wonder if I can ever be silent and for how long.  I asked the person who’s known me all of my life (she needs a shorter name already) if she could ever recall me being silent and she said she’d really have to think about it and get back to me.  She called back several hours later and said “No.” and hung up. 

Tomorrow morning I’m going to see for how long I can be silent.  I’m going to start before I get out of bed and before the alarm goes off.  I’ll report back how well it goes!

Silence, please!

Since the New Year, my ride into work has become super long and boring.  My one and only resolution is no more texting while I’m driving.  The texting was mainly between me and Amylynn and so you can imagine how entertaining it was and a great time passer.  I’ve only slipped up twice so far, even though red lights are not long enough to put a good text together.  The slip up involved “Yes” and “K” and I think I should be forgiven.

Anyway, that’s not the reason for my blogging.  I’m driving to work this morning, minding my own business, pretending that I’m flying a fighter jet instead of driving a simple car and what to do I see but a “sight”. 

A young man was riding a bike.  It was a bit small for him and had those high ape hanger handle bars.  It looked like the bike of a twelve year old and was too small for the young man on it.  But that wasn’t what made him a sight. 

He had long, long black hair.  Not natural black – but pitch black, clearly dyed that way hair.  He was wearing a black leather coat.  It was really long – like a trench coat.  His pants were black as was his t-shirt – all black, except his skin that was pale white.

So he’s riding this too small bicycle with his arms hanging down and his long, long black, black hair and black leather coat flowing out behind him in the wind while he’s furiously pedaling to – who knows where?  I don’t think the other gawking fighter jet pilots/drivers figured it out either.    

Normally I would have texted Amylynn immediately . . .

“Hey, just saw your boyfriend; tell him so much black should be saved for nighttime and to cut that damn stringy hair.”

But instead – to entertain myself – I have to pretend that he is the nephew of the Wicked Witch of the West and he is on his way home after staying out all night with the flying monkeys.

Oh well, he certainly shortened the trip.

Happy New Year!

I promised to blog about my New Year’s Resolutions, which aren’t mine at all, but the one’s I come up with for other people.  I reviewed them with a person who’s known me all of my life and she said I couldn’t put them here because our blog is about writing and romance and my resolutions are mostly political.  After I reviewed them, I know she’s right.  But I can’t resist posting the main one.  It actually covers most of the others anyway.  If you are easily offended you should stop reading now . . .

This year, my New Year’s resolution is for all of the “Nosey People” in the world. 

Dear Nosey People,

Your New Year’s resolution is to MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.  It’s really simple – stop minding everyone else’s business when it doesn’t pertain to you in anyway, shape or form. 

This is easy to figure out, especially here in America.  We are free to do whatever we want as long as it doesn’t infringe on the rights of others.  Easy examples: you can’t murder someone because then they can’t enjoy their life, you can’t take other peoples stuff because then they cant enjoy their stuff, no drunk driving because, at worst, you could kill someone (see #1) or you could damage someone else’s property.  Don’t make this harder than it has to be, you know what is truly your business, stick to it.

I hate nosey people.  Hate is a strong word  – but it fits how I feel.  Here’s some of the nonsense this past year that caused me to make this resolution for the Nosey People:

In another country, the majority of the people are muslim and the minority are christian but they could be any religion because you read stories about different religions arguing with each all the time.  The country’s high court has approved the christians using the word “allah” for the word “god”.  I’ve been following this story for months.  The muslims are protesting and firebombing churches.  I don’t get it.  Granted, I’m not religious but I am pretty intelligent and what difference does this make?  If “allah” were actually upset about the christians using the word “allah’ wouldn’t “allah’ take care of this on “allah’s” own?  Wouldn’t an omniscient, omnipotent being be able to defend its own name?  Allah shouldn’t need anyones help with this so MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS and stop trying to harm other people and buildings.

Here, in our own country, is the battle over same sex marriage.  I cannot figure out why, how, where this is anyones business but the two people involved.  I read in the newspaper that some idiot called same sex relationships “unnatural”.  Unnatural?  WTF!  What you like, who you love, etc., arises out of chemical reactions in the brain.  It’s the way our brains work according to neuroscience.  Isn’t that natural???  These nosey people don’t care if your favorite color is red if theirs is blue, but they sure care about other people’s relationships.  I refuse to discuss this with these stupid people because they never have a valid reason for their nosiness in this area.  It’s like talking to a monkey, sorry monkey . . .  If you meet some happy people, who are not exactly like you, and they are not bothering anyone else – MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

I know a woman who wants one of the local food banks shut down.  She thinks that the people who go there for food are either too lazy to work, drug addicts, Vietnam veterans, or mentally damaged.  She is actively working on getting it closed.  I can’t figure out what business this is of hers.  Its not supported by tax dollars, other than being a non profit.   But really, why put effort into this?  I know she has a family and a life to take care of.  She should be too busy minding her own affairs to attempt to deprive people she doesn’t know of a meal.  And I bet she thinks she has an awesome reason for her actions.  I don’t know what they are because I can’t discuss this with her, I’m afraid I might do her some ugly pyhsical harm.  She needs to MIND HER OWN BUSINESS.

Just so you can test how needed this resolution is, spend the next few days really listening to other people and make a mental note of how many conversations are totally unnecessary because they are about someone minding someone else’s business.  Or read the newspaper and take note of how many of the articles are about people not being able to mind their own business.  This morning, our local paper contained four of them. 

None of this would actually be a problem if Nosey People didn’t feel the need to impose their nosey nonsense on the rest of.  Firebombing buildings, throwing millions of dollars behind defeating same sex marriage, personally depriving people of a needed meal, etc – its all just people not minding their own business. 

The world would be a much better place if we all minded our own business a little bit more.

I have no idea who made it snow on the Quill Sisters blog, because I’m a computer idiot, but I LOVE IT.  Little things make me happy and the cute snow will have me in a good mood all night – that and the fact that I’m going to see my favorite comedian with Amylynn this evening!  I’ll post my new years resolutions tomorrow.  They are really for other people – but that should be no surprise to those of you who know me well.