January 24

It’s 68 degrees in the desert today. That Polar Velociraptor is out of control. Velociraptor. Vortex. Whatever. It’s awful. Something must be done right away. How can we be expected to live when it’s under 70 degrees? It’s inhuman with the clouds and breezes and such. What are we expected to do? Wear layers? And socks? Outrageous. There should be a committee about this or something. Who do we write to? While we crank that heater up to 72 you can read what other shenanigans have been going on.

1. National Jigsaw Puzzle Month. That’s right. We at Bank of No Forks have been single-handedly keeping the second-hand jigsaw puzzle industry afloat for the last several years. We were delighted when we found out that an entire month has been dedicated to our efforts. We are damn fine puzzlers. We’re very proud and humbled to accept this honor. We’d like to thank the Goodwill for keeping us stocked up on puzzles costing less than $3 and for having MOST of the pieces in the box. We never could have done this without you.

2. The Captain and Tennille. The Captain and Tennille are getting a divorce after 39 years of marriage. While it’s true that we’re not really that upset about it, it’s a shame when any marriage ends, but it’s their life and all. We don’t even know them. What we really need to look at is the big picture here. Who is getting custody of the muskrats? Who? WHO? For God’s sake, think of the tiny mammals, people. We’re just heartbroken over the whole thing.

3. Wee South African Rabbits. So there is a huge sculpture of Nelson Mandela – the biggest one ever. It’s 29.5 feet tall. It seems that the government wouldn’t allow the artists to sign it so they came up with another solution. They tucked a wee, floppy-eared bunny in his ear as their signature. The government is incensed over it. The artists have apologized, having meant no disrespect. PETA has petitioned the Arts and Culture Minister to adopt the statue. If you think this whole thing has gone off the rails, you’d be 100% correct. We can’t even tell you how thrilled the Sisters would be to have bunnies in our ears. As soon as we do something significant with our lives and a statue is commissioned, we’re going to mention this.

4. Thinking things through. Bill Cosby has a skit where he explains why he never has to do anything around the house (chores, taking care of the children, etc). He says he does a really bad job, so bad in fact that his wife won’t let him do it anymore deciding he’s just too stupid. The man is a genius. Sometimes people carry this a bit too far. Take for instance the mother and son in Alabama who were cleaning up the yard after their property was strewn with toilet paper by the neighborhood kids. They had some trouble getting it all out of the tree so they decided the best plan would be to set it on fire. As you can see from the picture, chaos ensued. The best part is the toilet paper is still in the tree.

5. Sometimes the call is deafening. We’ve never had a yearning for Taco Bell. Ever. Still, it must happen to some people because the business is thriving. In Maryland, a man who identified himself as Squirrelsoup put an ad on Craigslist for someone to come fetch him to Taco Bell through the snow storm because he was too drunk and he suspected his wimpy car wouldn’t make it. He said in the ad, “Seriously my desire for tacos right now is totally unmanageable.” He offered to pay the chauffeur “in tacos, or possibly a seven-layer burrito if [they] asked nicely.” Taco, no. But if we were drunk and it was snowing, we might put an ad up for someone to take us to the bakery. When you need cake, you need cake. No fooling.