NEW RELEASES
May 31
Another week down and we’re that much closer to retirement. Or if not retirement then death. Does that sound fatalistic? All we know is that work is awful and we’d rather be writing in a Starbucks and watching the freaks. Or shopping. Sassy asked her father the other day what he would do if the zombies came. He said the typical things but then interjected that Amylynn would be raiding Tiffany’s. Amylynn mentioned that Ava would be liberating zoo animals. We figure as long as we have a plan, it will all work out. The following things were giggle worthy this week.
1. Giant pink slugs. We’re not especially fond of slugs - Australian or otherwise. Who is? Still, this new development makes us wonder, what the hell is going on with the Australian wildlife? Regardless, what we do like about the slugs is that they’re pink. Well, not really pink. They’re more PIIIINK. Why in Zeus’s name would there be a slug this color? They’re also really big - like 8 inches. If you’re not sure how big that is, ask a guy. He’ll tell you that is gigantic. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. We crack ourselves up. Anyway, if you go up on the mountain where they live at the right time of morning, you’ll see hundreds of them. We’ll bet if you’re not expecting them you’ll
assume you’re having an acid flashback or something. In order to complete their look - we think we should round up some adventurous Australians and send them up the mountain with sequins. Giant pink bedazzled slugs. Sounds like a punk band.
2. Bugs for dinner. The UN is suggesting that eating bugs will solve the world food crisis. We don’t think so and neither does Stephen Colbert of The Colbert Report. He refuses to eat bugs. He won’t even eat gummy worms. “I use them to catch Swedish Fish,” he said. Right on. We’ve been seriously turned off of eating bugs since the 2008 Olympics when they did that horrifying story about the Chinese marketplace where you could buy tarantulas and scorpions on a stick. We had great plans for China, but now… We’ve revised the Great Panda Liberation plan to include giant suitcases of granola bars. We don’t really like granola bars either, but at least they have the appropriate number of legs at zero.
3. Sick days. Especially when you’re not sick. There’s something so fine about playing hooky. The Sisters hardly ever do it, but sometimes you just need a mental health day. Bank of No Forks can make a thinking person insane and sometimes you just need to reset your equilibrium in a way that a weekend doesn’t. Weekends are full of loud kids and house work and errands. A “sick
day” spent at Starbucks while you plan your escape from 9-5 drudgery makes it all better. Even more delightful is when you can do that with a friend.
4. Slothified. We found a story that got our panties all in a twist. We’re living in the wrong part of the world. That’s for damn sure. Apparently, we need to move to Suriname. Where the hell is Suriname, you ask? Its a country in Northern South America over by Brazil, and apparently it’s one of the greenest county on the planet - not in terms of recycling, but in jungle-y sort of vegetation. Still there is deforestation. There is a lady there who runs Green Heritage Fund Suriname and she received a call that some sloths were in danger in an area being developed. She went out there and returned with 200 sloths - many of them such small babies they needed to be fed with eyedroppers. She had them every where in her home - hanging from plants, the drapes, sleeping in china bowls. The first thing you thought of was the poop situation, wasn’t it? We’ll admit that occurred to us as well, but it didn’t deter us. We want our share of baby sloths. We’re checking into the retirement plans for Suriname.
5. Racy Medieval Poems. A long lost collection of French poems from the 13th and 14th centuries has been newly translated and will be available June 10th. The 69 poems making up the fabliaux, are described as naughty, racy, and ribald and are rife with cuckolded husbands, randy priests, lusty women and a penchant for poop humor. These are the kinds of poems that, at the time, would have influenced Chaucer and his eyeopening Canterbury Tales. What’s fun about these poems - besides the titles such as The Peekaboo Priest - is that they certainly shed some light on the preconceived notion that the church was in control of everything. And that human beings have always appreciated raunchy humor. Otherwise there is no explanation for Benny Hill, Caddyshack, or Animal House.
Not great expectations
Sometimes, just when you think you have this parenting thing down, one of your children will make sure you snap out of that nonsense right away.
Me – talking to the boy: Allergies are going to be bad again today. My hair spray nozzle is clogged.
Boy: Ok, I’ll make sure I take some allergy stuff.
Me: I’ll grab you one when I get mine. Do you have a preference? (None of the allergy medication we have actually works, but we take it to make the person who it bought happy – Ed.)
Boy: No preference. Whichever you want.
Girl, whom NO ONE was talking to because she doesn’t have allergies: What did you say about hairspray?
Me: The nozzle is clogged, allergies are going to be bad today.
Girl: You think you’re allergies are going to be bad because your hair spray nozzle is clogged? (EYE ROLL)
Me: Yes, that’s how it works. (I’m not going to explain my scientific methods to her because she’ll just ridicule me. I’m sure that’s how Galileo felt.)
Girl: How in the world am I supposed to grow up normal????????
That’s just it . . . she’s not going to grow up normal. I never thought she was, she’s mine. I have no idea why she thought it. Where does she get this stuff from? Maybe we need to cut back on watching TV because it seems to be giving her unrealistic expectations about her life . . .
If you’re ever in trouble…get out of jail free card
On the tails of International Tiara Day…
One of the top ten Best Days Ever.
Wow. I had a very exciting day.
First thing that happened - are you ready for it? I’ll bet you’re not really ready for it. Sit down first. I don’t want you to hurt yourself. Well, actually, you’re probably already sitting down cause you’re at the computer. Or maybe you’re on your phone.
Look at this - I’m so excited I’m babbling.
Julia Quinn linked to this blog from her Facebook page. CAN YOU FREAKING BELIEVE THAT? At the writing of this entry we’re only 19 people off from our busiest day ever in the history of this blog. We have no idea what the first busiest day was all about. Probably that time the FBI was investigating us about that panda business.
Then! I followed a tweet I was mentioned in only to discover this!
All this time I’ve been telling you people it was a gorgeous cover and now I have disinterested third party validation. Go to Romance Covers Reviews and see the rest of the competition. I’ve always loved those fab English people.
Thanks again to Jaycee DeLorenzo of Sweet ‘n Spicy Designs for her beautiful work.
I don’t know if I can handle it if tomorrow is just as exciting.
Who knew the wave was so dangerous?
This weekend the Sisters went to a major league baseball game because it was paid for by our company. Can you believe Bank of No Forks paid for a skybox suite? Us neither.
Ava was, shall we say, unexcited about going. She is not a sports person. I wouldn’t describe myself as a sports person either, even though I’m a huge hockey fan. Still, I don’t think liking one sport makes a person a “sports person”.
So the Amylynn and Ava show went on tour. We’re happy to say, the event went way better than we expected. Ava was duly impressed that there was Cold Stone Creamery to be had and we bought some by the third inning.
Because we were in the suite, we had to take the elevator. You’d think by 40+ years old we’d be fairly knowledgeable about operating an elevator, but that is simply not so. At least that’s what the people at the ball park think. The elevator is very firmly regulated and you ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH ANY BUTTONS. There is a very stern lady inside the elevator who strictly controls what happens in there and decides where you’re allowed to get off. When we finally got back to our seats, we double-dog-dared the rest of our group to ride the elevators just to see what happened. They’re all chicken, don’t you know.
Here are some other observations from the game.
We noticed a great many players with massive beards on the roster. When did the Amish begin playing professional baseball? Did a whole bunch of Rumspringas get out of control? We guess it’s alright anyway. It’s not like you use electricity to play baseball. Still, it seemed weird.
When the crowd was instructed by the Jumbotron to “Make Some Noise!!” we did not. We get bossed around enough without some stupid baseball guy trying to tell us what to do. That’s bullshit. We refused.
Amylynn fell down while participating in the wave. No alcohol was involved, but someone should do something about those stupid seats folding up every time you get out of them. That’s just embarrassing.
All in all we had a lovely time even though our team lost miserably. The corporate guys who facilitated the whole thing insist they can get hockey tickets. God we hope so. Amylynn would be beside herself with glee and Ava would come along for the ride.
Happy Memorial Day… Arf!
Along with honoring the men and women who put their lives on the line everyday to
ensure our freedoms - and sometimes giving the ultimate sacrifice, the Sisters also want to be sure to honor the dogs who work alongside the military.
Dogs are amazing. After a long hard day of bomb sniffing and sky diving and patrolling, all they need for a reward is a nice bowl of kibble and a cuddle.
May 24
Every time one of our books come out, we are even more sure we’re justified in quitting our jobs at Bank of No Forks. Like right away, today in fact. If this blog could provide health insurance - we’d be golden. Until then, we’ll have plenty of fodder for your amusement. As it is, we’ve had a fun launch of book two. We fervently hope you obtain yourself a copy and that you enjoy it. And then you should leave a heartfelt review - see #1 of our favorite things. There was much to chuckle about this week. Here is just a sample of what kept us amused:
1. Best. Review. Miss Goldsleigh’s Secret got a FANTASTIC review mere hours after it went up for sale. Honestly, we couldn’t have hoped for better validation. And the absolute best part of the whole thing was that WE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HER. If it wasn’t completely absurd, we’d send her an enormous bouquet of roses as thanks. We’ve made everyone we know sit still and pay attention while we read the review aloud. Twice. Then we all squeal like idiots. Sometimes, we’ll just look at each other and
flail our arms like Kermit and shriek - “We don’t even know that women.” Eventually, we’ll get over it, but until then watch your eyes. Sometimes that flailing gets out of hand.
2. International Tiara Day. Happens to be today - May 24th, a date wisely chosen to coincide with Queen Victoria’s birthday. If ever there was a day tailor-made for the Sisters it’s International Tiara Day. We are more than happy to wear wee sparkly crowns for 24 hours. Oh yes, we’re sleeping in it too. Well, actually, crowns make Amylynn’s head hurt. We’ve determined the problem is the cheap crowns we keep getting. We’re willing to bet any amount of money that if given a
real diamond and emerald headdress it wouldn’t hurt at all. Damn Dollar Store plastic tiaras.
3. Out of the question vacations. It has come to our attention that an 80 year old heart patient and and 81 year old Sherpa are going to attempt to climb Mount Everest. We want to state unequivocally that we have no intention of climbing a mountain when we’re 80. We don’t even plan to climb stairs when we’re 80 much less the world’s tallest mountain. That’s just dumb. What’s the point of living to 80 years old if you’re going to exert yourself like that. We’re also not going to go skydiving, swim with sharks or watch grandchildren.
4. Dan Brown’s office. Have you people seen the latest People magazine? There’s an interview with Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code and other best sellers. There’s a picture of his office included in the text. If it’s possible to get sexual arousal from a picture of another author’s work space, this is it. We felt all tingly over for his supple leather furniture, titillating balcony book cases, sensuous carpet, and luscious two-story arched windows. Seriously, we needed a moment alone. Office porn - and in a good way not a nasty-old-politician-sending-pictures-of-his-wiener kind of way.
5. Ziegfeld Collection. Tiffany, our favorite store, followed closely by the Hermes store in Paris, has a whole collection inspired by the latest version of The Great Gatsby. While reviewing the collection on line, it occurred to us that the very minute the zombie apocalypse happens, we’re hitting the Tiffany flagship store and robbing them blind. Can you think of any reason why we can’t machete zombies while wearing 100 million dollars worth of diamonds? Also, we feel that in the spirit of full disclosure, neither of us have been to the Hermes store in Paris but we do have a very good imagination and we feel that it simply MUST be one of our favorite shops. How could it not be? We’re not sure we’re wearing Hermes during the apocalypse, though. Zombie’s are awfully icky and silk stains.
There’s no concentrating today
Miss Goldsleigh’s Secret went live yesterday and I was a bit distracted because of it.
There’s all that stalking the sales and rankings on Amazon. I trolled Facebook and Twitter all day for updates and such.
The sales have been going well and that pleases me tremendously.
And then - oh dear God - then I found a review of the book on Amazon. BY SOMEONE I DON’T EVEN KNOW! She gave it a rave - a 5 star review.
It started like this: I downloaded a sample last night before bed and warning do not repeat my error. I could not put it down.
It got better and better.
I read it to Ava and the rest of the girls in my office. I called my mom and read it to her. I called my other Sister. I Tweeted and Facebooked about it.
The rest of the day I floated around with a stupid grin and talked in a pitch so high only dogs could hear me.
Ava and I went to the mall and the most gorgeous purse called to me. Lady Harrington and Lady Dalton (Francesca and Olivia) whispered in my ear how I totally deserved this purse. In fact, they insisted - INSISTED - that I own it. If you’ve read the books, you know those ladies can be very persuasive.
Let me introduce you to my gorgeous reward for selling a bunch of books.
It’s Here! Glory day!!
It’s here! It’s here! Miss Goldsleigh’s Secret is available at Amazon both in e-book format and paper copy - for which ever reading pleasure floats your boat.
The Authorgraph widget over there on the left can let me autograph your digital copy. Nifty, eh?
When Henry Cavendish, Marquess of Dalton, leapt to catch the fainting woman before she hit the cobblestone, he never thought that one chivalrous act would set his well ordered life on end. His ingrained need to protect her has every bit as much to do with her enchanting beauty as it does his desire to wipe the hunted look from her startling blue eyes. He thinks he has everything in hand, but the lady has secrets that put everything he loves at risk.
Olivia Goldsleigh just wants to live without terror, but a gunshot in the night proves things can always get worse. The beautiful and god-like Lord Dalton swears to protect her, to make the danger go away. She wants the man, the life, the family, the bliss he promises, but her secrets are certain to destroy them all.
You can read the first chapter here
Como se dice, “Let me call the US Embassy…”
Costa Rica!!! I wonder what kind of animals live there????
Ed informs me that the acceptable response to being told one is going on vacation to foreign lands is to start planning the packing. I don’t disagree, as you who read this blog know, but another thing you need to worry about are animals. No, not your pets and who is going to watch them while you are gone but the “potential” pets that might be available to you where you are going. Pets you might not find where you live.
Amylynn is in total agreement with me on this. She might not know how to pack but she knows animals.
My last trip was to France which is way too civilized to contain new pets. But Costa Rica – that’s a whole other ball of fur! Costa Rica, my friends, is far less regulated than France and thus a gold mine of possible pets.
According to Wikipedia, Costa Rica has 500,000 species. Unfortunately – or fortunately if you are Ed – 300,000 of them are insects. That only leaves 200,000 to review for souvenirs.
I jumped right to mammals and found monkeys, sloths, bats, anteaters, and cats. CATS! SOLD! There are Ocelots, Pumas, Jaguarondi, Margays, and Little Spotted Cats. I swear to all the gods I did not make that last one up. Picture me and Amylynn doing the happy
dance around the Bank of No Forks office.
Wiki says: The Little Spotted Cat is the smallest wild cat and does not grow bigger than a house cat. It’s like they’re begging me to take two home on the plane.
“What indigenous Little Spotted Cats? This is Felicia and Ferdinand all the way from Tucson. We’re just heading back.”
I can’t remember the last time I looked so forward to a vacation.
***Amylynn here - I was really grumpy that Ava was going on another spectacular vacation without me, but the development of this Little Spotted Cat thing has improved my outlook greatly. Jojo Kitty is just going to love his new little sister.