I present to you the Amylynn and Ava read aloud from Dear Abby portion of our morning ritual.

This is the letter in question

Dear Abby,
My fiancée, “Tina” and I made a resolution to lose weight for our wedding. Everything has been going great except for one thing. (Here’s where we roll our eyes in anticipation of the “THING”) because men lose weight faster than women, I know weigh less at 6 foot 1 than she does at 5 feet 4.
Tina already has self-esteem issues. I want to look good for our wedding, but not at the cost of my fiancée’s hurt feelings. What can I do?
-At A Loss In Michigan

Abby suggested nice pop-psychology answers that are very newspaper friendly. We’d like to offer AALIM some real world advice. He’s gonna need it.

Dear At A Loss,
Go get some beer and some lovely carbs and start bulking up. Right now. Get in the car. There is nothing that pisses women off more than men losing weight faster and easier than women. There is no solution other than putting on some weight as fast as you can. We also suggest you do this in the closet because if she catches you eating cake when she’s had nothing but miserable meat and water for the last three months you’re going to die. Slowly.

This is actually a great test to see if you can become a successful husband. Women know they’re crazy. We’ve all embraced it. However, losing weight faster than her for your FREAKING WEDDING is the worst possible thing you could do. She’d probably take cheating on her at the bachelor party easier than you weighing less than her.

This is a problem. No kidding around.

Actually, we think your fiancée should reconsider this whole thing. No woman needs this kind of nonsense.

We all got a new boss today at Bank of No Forks. Ava is always excited about that, certain that this new person will be the one to help us. “I like him,” she’ll say. Amylynn, on the other hand, will give Ava that look and say for the umpteenth time, “Ava, you’re so pretty.” As the realist, Amylynn reserves judgment. She’s more of a let’s-wait-and-see kind of a person. She gets less disappointed that way. Still, we got a free lunch out of the deal. Free lunch is good. Especially when it’s egg salad sandwiches with mayo,

1. Dollar Menu. The McDonalds corporation is introducing some higher priced options in their dollar menu. That’s not funny, just stupid. What is funny is that they’re calling it “Dollar Menu and More”. Don’t you think it’s insane how stupid corporations think we are. It’s not “Dollar and More”, it’s just Menu at this point. So we think we’re going to change us to Quill Sisters and More. The More will be more snark, more sarcasm, and more absurdist articles about animals our husbands, and sometimes the government, won’t let us have.

2. Crotchety old men. We have a lot of retirement communities out here. Usually they’re very quiet and you don’t hear anything about them except for maybe a string of burglaries once in a while. There was some excitement this week, though. A 68-year-old gentleman woke up and his wife wasn’t in bed, so he went out to the guest house and found his 63-year-old wife in bed with a 22-year-old man. The old gent poked the kid with his cane – we love that part – to wake him up and tell him to get out. We hope he poked him REALLY hard. We can’t wait till we can start poking people with canes. The kid got all belligerent and cursed the old man out, which prompted the old man to go get

3.British Tushies. The British Rowing Team does a calendar every year in an effort to fight homophobia. Naked. Yes indeed. Naked as the day they were born. Each and every one of these boys has a perfect body from all that…rowing. And being young. The calendar is a thing of beauty, we’ll tell you. There are pictures of naked rowing. And naked swimming. And naked shaving. And chasing puppies around in a field. Naked. With strategically placed weeds and such. Follow the jump and you’ll

4.Hall of Frames. We showed up at this business this week with an insane request. We realized it was outrageous, but nevertheless, we had every intention of making it. We needed some things framed for an event and we needed them in record time. AND we didn’t want to pay very much for it. We went to Hall of Frames because they guy who runs the place is really nice. He’s also a little odd, which we find appealing. We were waiting outside the store before it opened. To begin the schmoozing process we held his coffee while he opened the door. Then the man with the stars tattooed on his face proceeded to TOTALLY HELP US. Surely you know from our blog, that never actually happens. No one really helps us. Ever. So, Jeff from Hall of Frames, you are officially the most talented, nicest guy to put up with our crazy whims since our grandfather died. Good work. We’re going to keep you - you will be the only person we ever ask to do our framing. We’ll bet your sorry now.

5. Keancolor Nail Polish. Amylynn found this stuff on the internet and we’re officially in love. The colors are outstanding - especially the Holo colors. The sparkle is mesmerizing. Never in a million years did we ever think we’d consider wearing green nail polish, but there it is, on our toes. We can’t stop looking at it, which is a serious problem, especially when we’re driving or on the stairs. The best part? We’ll be able to compliment our full-body casts nicely when we’re released from the hospital.

A woman had a baby in a Barnes & Noble this past week. She went in there to buy a book. The stupid news article

Damn it, it just kills me when they don’t answer any questions.

Also, what the heck was she doing there anyway? Where were her people? Was this her first kid or her seventh?

Clearly this woman needs assistance.