My laptop is dead. This is bad. A writer needs a computer. There are some people like Ava who prefer handwriting their manuscripts, but not me. If I handwrite anything there’s so many cross outs and arrows moving things around you can’t even read it.

But alas, the laptop is giving up the ghost. It’s a disaster. I won’t go into its symptoms but they’re not pretty. If my computer could manifest snot, it would have a lot of it.

So I took it to the computer hospital. When I walked it I saw two likely computer doctors inside the door.

“We’re going to need and old priest and a young priest,” I said in all seriousness.

The guy started laughing. “Having some trouble with your computer?”

“That’s putting it mildly.” I followed him to the back counter.

I described my issues and he made appropriate faces of horror and pity. He told me he thought it might be my hard drive. I suspect he is right. He started typing into his system.

“Are we going to have to euthanize it?” I’m actually not thinking of putting it out of its misery. I don’t care if it suffers. It’s making me suffer. An eye for an eye is my way of thinking.

“No, I doubt it.” He tapped some more stuff into his computer.

“Maybe it’s just all the cat hair?” I suggested hopefully.

He laughed and then realized I wasn’t kidding. There was more tapping. “Oh, it could be. Is there a lot of cat hair?”

“Well, it depends.” I thought of Jojo Kitty and his prodigious shedding.

“The diagnostics should take 2 to 4 days, but at least it will tell us what’s wrong.”

“I know what’s wrong. It hates me.”

He laughed but it didn’t sound exactly mirthful. What does scared laughter sound like. “It’s an inanimate object. It doesn’t hate you.”

“You don’t know.”

I left my traitorous computer with him. As I left, I told him to keep an eye on it. It was known to be shifty.

As the door was closing, I could hear his computer keys tapping away. I’d really like to get a look at those notes. I’ll bet they have me pegged as a complete whack-a-doodle.

On Friday night The Bandit and I went to the school Mother Son Dance. Every time we attend this function — our second year in a row — I feel like Jane Goodall watching the chimps. That phenomenon not exclusive to this event. It can happen at soccer games or birthday parties, really anyplace a group of boy will gather. This event just happens to be the best for anthropological study because there is no other activities for them to be distracted by.

Upon showing our ticket and entering the party (in the decorated cafeteria) we were given a goody bag. There were a few pieces of candy and a large bouncy ball. You know the kind. You can get them for like fifty cents in a gumball machine. These were larger than usual; I couldn’t close my hand around this one. About the size of a small plum.

What do you think happens when you give 40 eight to twelve-year-old boys bouncy balls? I swear I’m just happy no one died.

Then the dancing began. We could have been in a commercial for seizure medication. There is absolutely no room for decorum or sophistication when it comes to how boys dance. As far as I know, no one was hurt by this display either, although it’s a miracle.

Next year, I’m bringing a notebook for observations and protective eye wear. I fully expect to be nominated for an award. Nobel - here I come.

Amylynn got a tetanus and a MMR booster today. The doctor asked her which arm she wanted to hurt. Why does it have to hurt? Why? She picked her left. Since she’s a right-y she rarely uses that left one anyway. Really it’s just there to keep her shirts balanced. She doesn’t even use it to turn on Dave’s blinker. We firmly believe blinkers are for wusses. Unless you’re in Albuquerque. If you’re there please note that they take their turn signals very seriously. Don’t mess around. EVEN if you’re in the lane clearly marked LEFT TURN ONLY you had better have that left blinker blinking its little guts out. Somehow this turned into a rant about New Mexico’s traffic laws and that’s not where we expected it to go. You’d be surprised how many of our actual conversations veer off like this. Actually, you probably wouldn’t. Nevermind. Here’s some funny stuff.

1. Get ready to rumble! The oldest Bright kids are in Denver right now at the First Robotics competition. This year’s robot is named Elio, and he’s a looker! He’s already helped the kids win an award in AZ last weekend, and he’s raring to go in CO. His job is to clean up trash and save the planet. We’ll bet he can do it, too. Go Elio!

2. Have you seen the traffic? A guy got a ticket in Fife, Washington this week for Driving With Cardboard. It’s possible that wasn’t the reason stated on the ticket. Point in fact, he was driving with a cardboard cut out of the Dos Equis beer guy - you know the one - The Most Interesting Man in the World - in the passenger seat in the HOV lane. We looked that up once cause we didn’t think Hippos On Viagra was what the Department of Transportation was actually thinking when they printed up the signs. It means High Occupancy Vehicle. Thank God for Google. Anyway, the dude was stopped by a motorcycle cop because apparently it’s not legal to be interesting. Or something like that. We’ll bet the driver thought it was interesting when he got a $126 ticket, and we’ll bet his boss also thought it was interesting when he was late for work.

3. Space age La Di Da! Have you seen the new Mercedes luxury car? The F015 Luxury in Motion is very aptly named. It’s a self-driving, hydrogen-electric automobile with 4 swiveling seats, 6 digital touch screens, 2 LED displays, and a laser projection system. Did you catch that part in the beginning where we said “self-driving”? That means you could read or sleep or whatever the hell you want while cruising down the road in luxury. Except have sex. The seat configuration doesn’t really scream, “sex me up!”. Although it’s certainly possible. We’re not advocating that, you understand. We think the whole idea predicts one hell of a case of motion sickness and you definitely shouldn’t throw up in a F015 Luxury in Motion we don’t care how good the sex is.

4. Mmmmm, pizza. The Brights were on a quest for dinner the other night. We’d stood around in the kitchen and stared in the refrigerator and pondered the pantry and came up with nothing. It wasn’t that there wasn’t food. On the contrary, it was just one of those nights when nothing appealed. So we went out into the world to forage. We ended up at the new Pizza Studio. The idea is that each personal pizza is made to order - every thing from toppings, to sauce, to the type of crust. With the exception that they were out of mushrooms - !!! - we give it a thumbs up. Make sure you try the rosemary herb crust. Delicioso!

5. The sisters were nowhere near Missouri. We’re just putting that out there first before someone casually mentions it. Two camels and 2 steers were stolen from a Missouri farm this week. First of all, the Sisters have absolutely no use for steers. There’s no way we’re going to get permission to put their horns on the front of Ava’s Jaguar anyway. The camels however gave us pause. We’ll admit that, while we didn’t do any camel-napping, we are kinda fascinated with the beasts. They’re very pretty with those long eyelashes. Our favorite part of the news story was when it was pointed out that the thieves probably used a trailer to steal the 9 foot camels and their bovine friends. You think? It would have been a much better story if they had just climbed on board their humps and ridden them away on the freeway. That’s how you know we weren’t involved. Absolutely no style was used in this crime. We’ll probably be caught, but at least the story will be stylish and funny - what with the low speed camel chase on the freeway and all.

Against all odds, I have written yet another book. I KNOW! It’s crazy! Ava keeps saying she knew I had it in me, but every time I’m amazed.

This one is called Miss Sinclair’s Secret. It’s #4 in the trilogy. HA - I couldn’t resist a little Douglas Adams there. But seriously, it’s #4 in the Secrets Series.

It will be out mid-April.

Wanna see the cover?

Now that you’ve seen that intriguing cover, wanna know what it’s about?

Anna Sinclair is an English lady who refuses to settle—not if all her friends have love matches. When she receives notification that her father, General Sinclair, is missing and presumed dead in America shortly after the War of 1812, she knows she has nothing to lose by going to find him. In an untamed country, she’ll need to navigate the Mississippi River, miles of wilderness, earthquakes, Indians, and one absurdly attractive American sea captain.

Nathaniel Johnson is an American patriot whose only goal is to return to the country he loves with his recently located brother, a sailor impressed by the British. The money offered to escort a young English woman to the United States is too much to pass up when he’s desperately trying to save his family’s shipping empire. The beautiful lady spins a ridiculous tale about looking for her father, but Nate has powerful reasons to believe she’s a spy for the Crown. He’ll help her on her quest, at least until he can prove her villainous intent.

Will Anna’s secret destroy his country and be his undoing?

You may have seen this commercial already. It’s on television every ten minutes, but honestly, I’m so in love with this commercial. This is the full version with all the cuties.

Behold.

Also, it’s got the song from Disney’s Robin Hood WHICH I LOVE!

Today is National Puppy Day.

How fabulous!

Everyone go find a puppy and kiss its little head and massage its ears and rub its belly. You’ll feel better. The puppy will feel better. The world will be a better place because of it.

So I have this vicious scrape on the back of my leg. There’s only so many times I can tell you about stupid things I do before I wonder if you’ll get concerned that I might actually be an idiot.

There’s only so much deprecating humor can do to convince you that I’m not.

You know, sometimes I think I might actually be an idiot. Sometimes the things I do…

My dad spent the week here at our house because my brother was on an epic fishing trip. When Pop stays over he sleeps on The Bandit’s bottom bunk and the boy sleeps up top. Usually the top bunk isn’t even made - it’s just all full of stuffed animals and stuff. So I climbed up there to clear a hole for the kid and put on some sheets.

OK, full disclosure.

I didn’t climb up there exactly. I stood on the bottom bunk and then took a step onto the nightstand. That was when things went wrong. There was teetering that happened so fast I didn’t even have time to grab hold before the nightstand flipped out from under me and I went flying.

Additionally, I’d like to mention that I’ve done this move a bunch of times before — the standing on the nightstand part, not the flying part — and nothing gymnastic ever happened.

Still, as I lay there on a floor littered with Legos and Nerf gun bullets contemplating broken bones and whether anyone would notice if I couldn’t get the blood out of the carpet, I told myself I got exactly what I deserved for doing something so stupid.

Later my pride was slightly mollified when My Honey fell off the front porch.

Of one thing I’m completely certain. We don’t jump back up as fast as we used to.

Tra la la la - it’s the first day of spring! In the desert that means that everything is blooming and everyone’s allergies are running amok. Amylynn sounds like she’s channeling the spirit of a lifelong smoker with all the hacking and wheezing. Also, her front yard looks like a scene shot in a jungle or something. The other day someone lost a cat out there. Before you know it, summer will be here. We’re expecting it by Thursday next week. Every year we watch the northeastern part of the country, mystified that you’re all still dealing with snow in April. By then we’re probably already running the air conditioning 24 hours a day. Crazy. Anyway, some of this may distract you from your weather. It’s good stuff.

1. Not dodge ball either. The people from Ikea have issued a statement that they are no longer allowing roving hoards of people to play hide and seek in the Ikea stores. We have a couple of things to say about this. #1 - Holy cow, that sounds like fun! #2 - Social media screws everything up. Apparently the call went out on Facebook and 19,000 people signed up to play in Amsterdam. Seriously. At another store in Utrecht, 13,000 signed up to play. If they’d kept it at a reasonable level then it seems like the IKEA people would have tolerated it. People ruin everything.

2. Are we sure it’s not coconut? The was a blizzard in Hawaii. Mauna Kea’s higher elevations had blizzard conditions this week. A Thirty Meter Telescope is being built up there and all the work had to be halted. The meteorologist said it was, “difficult to estimate just how much snow had fallen.” We’re guessing it’s hard to get an accurate reading on the ruler when everyone is running around and screaming that Armageddon is nigh.

3. That explains the smell in there. You probably heard about the incident in Indiana where a methlab was found operating in a Walmart bathroom. We’d say that we’re surprised, but that isn’t really true. You’ve seen the websites devoted to the Walmart and its customers. It’s horrifying. And let’s be honest, if you wanted to hide something in a public place where no employees would find it, then Walmart’s your best bet. Those bathrooms haven’t seen an employee in years.

4. Also, ask him to spell “squirm”. A bride in New Delhi (is there an Old Delhi? We’re just curious) called off her wedding while in the actual marriage hall. Apparently this was an arranged marriage and she didn’t really know her groom. She did however have some suspicions. She knew things weren’t going to work out when she asked him to add 15 and 6 together. He said 17. Things went down hill from there. We say GOOD FOR YOU. A girl has to have some standards.

5. It’s still way better than Apple. Everybody get out their brackets. Let’s see who won the baby name pool. Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively had a baby GIRL back in December, but they’ve been reluctant to tell us the child’s name. Hmmmm, we wonder why. Let us just say that anyone who guessed Gloria or Debby or Helga was wrong. Way wrong. So very, very wrong. The name they chose wasn’t even in the top 100. They named that baby girl James. No, it’s not a typo. It’s like Hollywood is in a competition or something to see all the reasons they’ll have to pay for therapy for their kids or something.

Weird things happen in my house. I have to say all kinds of things I never thought I’d have to say.

For example, today I have to tell you that we lost a chicken carcass. In the house.

You’d think that wouldn’t happen. It’s not like we have a ginormous house or anything. Nevertheless, we can’t find the chicken.

Said poultry was never alive here. It’s not like we had a pet chicken (I’m never going to get a pet chicken. My Honey never lets me have anything good) who died and now we can’t find the body, or something. That would be really weird.

No. Our issue is a whole lit simpler. My Honey roasted a chicken for dinner. He carved it up and left the carcass on a plate on the counter while we went to eat. Granted, we never should have done that. We have a dog whose nose gets him in nearly constant trouble. Hound dogs are a real pain that way.

We thought the dogs were with us the entire time, but one of them must have slunk off and conducted a raid. I even looked askance at Jojo Kitty because I wouldn’t put it past him to wage a full on battle with a chicken carcass. He gave me a look that implied that I could go screw myself, that he didn’t have a chicken, and didn’t like what I was implying. It was a totally normal cat look. Absolutely nothing out of the ordinary there. Actually, he’s probably pissed that the dogs didn’t share.

We’ve looked everywhere for that pile of bones. It was still shaped like a chicken the last time we saw it. It’s not in any of the bedrooms or closets. Neither of the bathrooms. Not in the pantry. I shoved the boy behind the couch, but there was no bird back there either. Also, the couch cushions are poultry free. Not in the laundry or shoved in any of our shoes. I’m telling you we’ve looked everywhere.

My delightful father suggested that we’d find it in a day or so when it starts to smell. You see how he’s not helpful?

We may be a little late, but this is totally worth it.