These videos kill me. This guy nails these dogs.

Why — when you need a specific thing — why is that thing never, ever available?

I speak specifically about a cream 0r brown or blue dress.

Cream is probably never going to happen. Chubby girls should not wear colors that make them look like beluga whales. Just sayin’.

Apparently, no one buys brown dresses in summer, therefore no one makes brown dresses in the summer.

And it can’t be just any blue. It must be the right blue. Probably this is a shade of blue that exists only in my head, never in fabric form.

Additionally, this dress must be just right. It’s for a signing even at the Romance Writers of America national convention in New York City in July.

It would also be nice if I could wear it again to work. I tried on 739 dresses this weekend, and I can say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it’s waaaaaay, waaaaaay too hot to be trying on clothes.

Gaaaaaaaaah!

 

In three short weeks the Sisters are going to New York City. We’re so excited; we can barely contain ourselves (We won’t be contained!). We can’t wait to be in the world’s most exciting city, see all our friends, talk with our editors and agents, and generally geek out over books. Also, we’ve picked out bakeries we want to visit, egg rolls we want to eat, and zeppoli vendors to pester. Honestly, we’ll be like two fat and happy cats in the biggest bowl of cream in our lives. We do however have a bit of a Cinderella problem. We have nothing to wear. That will make packing light much easier, eh? Part II of that problem is that, since we have real jobs now, we don’t have time during the day to run all over the world shopping for what we need. Hello internet! So far Lands End has been recruited to work on the wardrobe. We’ll let you know how that goes. While you’re laughing at our misfortune, you can laugh at this stuff, too.

1. We kind of get it. This week Facebook stock surpassed Walmart stock on the Standards and Poor 500 index. We’ll admit, we don’t spend a lot of time watching the stock market. In fact, zero minutes is the time that comes to mind. We leave that to people who enjoy watching paint dry. Granted the market directly effects our jobs and our savings, but it’s so booooooring. If the people at stock exchange got themselves a fuzzy mascot we can pretty much guarantee that our interest would skyrocket. All that being said, even with our limited knowledge, the Walmart/Facebook connection makes a ton of sense. You’ve seen those “People Who Shop at Walmart” websites and you’ve certainly seen how people dress on Facebook. Clearly we’re talking about a lot of the same audience.

2. Holy flapping birds, Batman! The people of the English countryside are being terrorized again. It wasn’t that long ago that we told you about a “lion” roaming around over there. Now they’re freaking out about a “Giant Rhea Bird”. If you don’t know what a rhea is - just think ostrich-so BIG bird. The residents of Nottinghamshire are being instructed not to approach the bird because it poses a very real threat to the public. At six-feet-tall it can disembowel an adult with one swipe of it’s talons. Don’t think you can run either. These things can run up to 40 miles an hour. Even worse, they’re described as “quite stealthy”. So basically we’re talking about a velociraptor here. The animal escaped from a private collection. Why anyone would have a private collection of evolved dinosaurs, we don’t know. Stay in your houses people.

3. This can’t be healthy for the amphibian. Your first instinct when hearing this story is to assume it happened in Florida. That’s where all this weird nonsense usually goes on, but no. This time we’re visiting LaPorte, Indiana. Of course we’re talking about an arrest. Our refined and sophisticated perpetrator was charged with trespassing. That in and of itself is not so interesting. Here comes the good part. He was trespassing on the property of a bar. When the police took him away it was because he was dancing in the parking lot while licking toads. Two of them. Not at the same time, because that would be ridiculous. No, he licked first one toad and then found himself a second unwitting participant. Apparently the employees and patrons of JJ’s Sideout Bar and Grill found this disturbing. However, according to the article, the reason he was thrown out of the bar in the first place was because he was unable to show identification. We’re certain his behavior in the bar up to this point was exemplary. The police state that he possessed a “blank look on his face but no pupil dilation to suggest he was under the influence of any drugs.” We assume that’s why he was licking the toad in the first place. We’ll also bet this was the best night in that bar in forever.

4.It’s a good thing ankles aren’t tasty. So a gentlemen in Aspen, Colorado made the perfectly innocent decision to take a quick nap on his backyard deck. The neighbor’s dog wandered over and gave his toes a little lick. Mr. Rizzuto reached down and gave the doggy a scratch and said, “Nice doggy.” Only the “doggy” wasn’t the German Shepherd he thought it was. In fact, it was a bear. Mr. Rizzuto, as you can imagine, was shocked. We suspect the bear was also a bit surprised to have been found out. Mr. Bear took Mr. Rizzuto’s ankle in his mouth, but didn’t break the skin. They stared at each other for a heart beat and then the bear wandered away. Mr. Rizzuto took the opportunity to get his ass in the house. The Parks and Wildlife official made a point of telling the good citizens of Colorado that they probably shouldn’t pet the bears-even if they’re currently licking your foot. For some reason, the Sisters feel like this statement is directed toward us. We can honestly say that we’d probably pet that bear. Think of how epic that blog would be!

5. Oh, Canada! Do you recognize that map? We gave you a big hint. We’ll be honest, we didn’t when it was presented to us with no helpful hints. We recognize the hell out of Canada when Minnesota is represented there on the bottom to give us a frame of reference. John Oliver described it as, “…basically five hockey rinks surrounded by bears.” John Oliver is always putting maps on the screen and telling us they are one country when they’re actually another.  It’s very funny even if it makes you realize how dumb you are.  The Sisters can always recognize China because Panda’s live there and we’ve got that country memorized.

There is a window in my office that looks out into the desert. Under the window there are several creosote bushes. Underneath the creosote bushes lives a family of quail.

The girls and I from the office have been watching the Momma Quail with her eggs. Daddy Quail does a lot of patrolling the area.

Today there were wee, tiny quail bobbing around. Oh my god! They are so cute. Itty bitty brown-striped fluff balls skittering around in the dirt.

At one point today, Momma and Daddy managed to get them all in a little line like quail are supposed to.

Completely and unabashedly adorable.

I wonder how many of them I can get in my pocket if I wear cargo pants tomorrow.

You may have seen the incident on Facebook. I came off badly. Here is the post. Read it from the perspective of someone with a pathological fear of spiders.

I don’t care what size the spider is. I don’t care what brand it is. Long legs, short legs, hairy or bald. No. No. No. Don’t tell me any of your “spiders kill the bad insects”.

Spiders ARE the bad insects!

I also don’t want to hear your hooey about spiders not being insects. Certainly we can agree that they’re bugs.

Awful horrible bugs.

And now I won’t be able to sleep tonight. Thanks Mom. I hope you don’t die.

Do you remember that cat last year who whooped some dog ass when a scary dog attacked a four-year-old boy? Tara was her name and she was an internet sensation.

Isn’t that shocking? A cat being an internet sensation? It’s true. Sometimes it happens. Especially when the cat is a total bad ass.

Anyway, this cat won the 33rd Annual Hero Dog Award. There is no irony in that statement.

You know what Jojo Kitty did today? Nothing.

Still he was unbelievably good at it.

 

We went to see Jurassic World this weekend and the expected happened.

Stuff happened. We tried to care, but it’s just so darn hot. The only thing we care about is the air conditioning working in the car. This week Dave Durango decided he didn’t feel like conditioning the air. Amylynn can remember riding around in her parent’s car during the summer way back when with no AC. She doesn’t remember actually melting, but it might have happened. She does remember her skin sizzling when it touched the vinyl seat. Well, this week Amylynn decided she is much too old to be that hot. Like Scarlet O’Hara she declared, “As god is my witness I’ll never be hot again.” Not quite as convincing when you’re beet red and covered with sweat

instead of artfully dirt smudged and as lovely as Vivian Leigh. It was pretty funny though. Like this stuff was funny.

1. New feet! At 56 years old, Barbie is way too damn old to be running around in stilettos and thigh-high go-go boots. Fortunately the people at Mattel realized this and they’ve finally given her ankle joints so the poor woman can wear flats. That’s reasonable don’t you think? We mean good grief, we think after all she’s been through the chick deserves to get to wear slippers once in a while, and we don’t mean the kind with kitten heels and marabou feathers. If she’s not careful she’s going to turn into one of those used up old women wearing too-young clothes and wandering around Walmart in the middle of the night.

2. This is not funny. Yet, somehow it is. The headline reads: Woman gets 23 years for slow-cooker death. Of course that makes a reader go, Whaaaaaat? The killer was apparently mentally unstable (????) and possibly drunk (????) when she got into an argument with a friend over politics so she beat her with a slow-cooker. Doesn’t that seem unwieldy? Slow-cookers are heavy and cumbersome. Of all the times we’ve considered killing someone with a kitchen implement, a slow-cooker was never on the list. I guess you work with what you’ve got. We will mention that the woman was totally shocked when she got her punishment. Some people.

3. They should call when they consider competitive ice cream eating. So apparently there are a huge number of people trying to get pole dancing into the Olympics as a competitive sport. Actually, from what we learned as we read the article, this is already a thing. They don’t call it pole dancing and you should stop thinking what you’re thinking because these women have scary muscles and can kill you with one thigh. Apparently there is a local kid they’re calling a “pole prodigy”. Hmmmm. OK. You know, sometimes reading the article ruins the whole joke. Being informed ruins comedy. Dammit.

4. We’d call her Polly. Meet the words most adorable octopus. She’s not new. Scientists have known of her for a bit now, but she doesn’t have a name yet. They’re still coming up with it. One they’re seriously considering is Opisthoteuthis Adorabilis. Awww! Because she’s so cute. And pink. And it looks like she’s wearing a tutu. Actually, it’s because her tentacles are webbed so they look like a frilly skirt. Also, she has cut little flippers that look like pigtails when she’s swimming. Go here and watch the video. It’s adorable!

5. Kanga-baby. Okay, here we go. It is no longer acceptable to have a kangaroo as a service animal in Beaver Dam, Wisconsin. Some woman got herself a baby kangaroo, wrapped it up as a human baby, and put it in an infant car seat. Then she took it into McDonalds. Apparently, the short-sighted officials of this town only believe dogs or miniature horses are acceptable service animals. Now for whatever reason the police have banned kangaroos along with everything else. As we’ve come to expect from the news reporting agencies, there is no information about what this kangaroo did in the McDonalds to make the officials turn against it. Amylynn just recently touched a kangaroo and she can tell you unequivocally that having a “therapy” kangaroo would make her infinitely happier. If someone will let the Sisters have one, we swear we’ll never take it to McDonalds.

I’m a nerd and a geek. I admit it. I love comic books, Superhero movies, Star Wars, Star Trek, anything Tolkien, and fantasy/sci-fi. I read everything. I’m fascinated by science and geek out over astronomy stuff. I was a film major in college and still watch movies from that perspective - and I LOVE movies. I’m especially fascinated with pop culture. I can answer crazy stupid questions about television all the way back to the ’50’s. The only part of nerd-dom that I don’t participate in is video games. I suck at them, and one of my failings as a human is that, if I’m not instantly good at something, I don’t bother. Practice makes perfect is NOT my motto. I’m certain that if I was a more evolved human, I’d have latched right onto video games. Especially with the awesome graphics they have now. I’m more than content to watch all six Lord Of the Rings/Hobbit movies in a row, so sitting on the couch for an entire weekend is not a problem.

I wouldn’t say I hide this part of myself - at least not these days. Maybe I did more often when I was a teenager, but now being nerdy is actually pretty cool. It’s a weird dichotomy. Sadly, being a writer does not make you cooler. In fact, it might lower you a bit in the rankings.

Still, I do find myself often quoting things in different situations which I find hilarious, but often only garner blank stares from people in return. I keep insisting to my kids that I’m hip. I prove this by quoting Douglas Adams - A Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (Jeez - what a goober I am). Here’s a real gem by Zaphod Beeblebrox: I’m so hip I can barely see over my pelvis. I’m so cool, you could keep a side of beef in me for a month.

The Bandit is not convinced of these assertions. I’m pretty sure My Honey just puts up with my nonsense. Sassy rolls her eyes.

Today, Ava and I took a co-worker down from our corporate office to lunch. He’s a really nice young man - super cute. We didn’t think he’d had enough of the Amylynn & Ava Show at the office so we invited him to Chipotle (Bah!!!!!) with us. We were sitting there eating - Ava poked at her food like she always does - moving it around and inspecting each bite, and Cute Guy ate his bowl with gusto. I, however, was fascinated by his watch. I don’t know what kind it was, but it was surely expensive. Ava could tell you the make and model - that’s her thing.

“I like your watch,” I told Cute Guy during a lull in the conversation.

He glanced at it and gave me a smile. “Thanks.”

“I’m gonna raise my nerd flag now,” I confessed. He looked confused. I think I heard Ava groan, but it was smothered by brown rice and chicken. “It totally reminds me of The Millennium Falcon.”

Now he turned his wrist over so he could look at it better. He definitely looked confused.

I barreled on. “You know, the one Han Solo flies.”

He raised his eyebrows. I don’t know if he was speechless or he didn’t know who Han Solo and the Millennium Falcon are.

Ava - Zeus bless her - says contemplatively, “I can see that.” That’s why I love my Sister.

Lunch was wrapped up quickly after that. Feeling goofy, I resisted the opportunity to use a perfectly timed Thor quote later in the day, but the conversation was poorer because of it.

 

 

Yesterday at work I had a bad day. A truly awful day. One of those bad days where you question your job, your career, your sanity. You just want to curl up under your desk, rock back and forth, and weep silently so that no one finds you under there. It all started on Monday with the issue carrying over through Tuesday.

If you all remember I left Bank of No Forks not too long ago to come join Ava at a new company. Things were so bad last night, I seriously considering calling my old boss at BofNF to see if I could get my old job back. See? It was seriously bad if I was considering that option.

I complained for the first time to My Honey about a difficult co-worker. I complained loudly and with rapid hand gestures. I try to keep the specifics of my job complaints to a minimum because he doesn’t know anything about my industry. If you add the difficult co-worker with a lunatic customer, things go badly. The story sort of told itself.

I was still upset when I went to bed, on the verge of tears. I didn’t believe myself when I suggested that things would be better in the morning. Woe is me…

Then I woke up and discovered that my monthly friend had visited. I seriously smacked myself on the forehead and was like, “So! That’s what the problem was!”

I’m some kind of special idiot.

I’ve been getting my period since I was thirteen. I’m forty-five now. You’d think I’d come to anticipate this and recognize the crazy for what it is, but no. Every single month it’s like it didn’t just happen thirty days ago. I even know exactly what day this is going to happen and yet I’m still mystified over my behavior.

Sassy is charging quickly towards puberty with the zeal of a twelve-year-old impatient to grow up, and all I can think is Sweet Zeus we’re in for some trouble now.