I work in a nine-story building and work on the fifth floor. When I came to work here I thought, “Excellent! I’ll take the stairs and lose some weight!” Good plan, right? Yep. I felt like an Olympian in training. I had all these excellent intentions. Things were gonna work out!

On my way to lunch that first week, I trotted down the stairs. I do that a lot. Go down the stairs because, you know, DOWN. The first time I attempted to climb UP the stairs it ended poorly. I gave myself a pep talk as I walked across the parking lot. This was going to be good. It would only really suck for the first couple of weeks and then my endurance would build and I’d be practically racing up those stairs like Rocky. Yes indeedy!

So, I opened the gray industrial fire door that weighs 7,000 pounds and heaved my chubby little self up the 90 individual stairs to my office. The plan was when I got to my floor I’d sneak into our suite through the back door closest to my office, shut my door, and silently die on the floor so no one would see me.

That is not what happened.

I used the bannister to drag myself up the last few stairs, panted on the landing, and then grasped the door handle. It didn’t budge and it wasn’t because I was now too weak to open the 7,000 pound gray industrial fire door. No, the god damned thing was locked.

Imagine the scene if you will: an empty stairwell, a breathless woman trudging her way back down the stairs, sobbing the whole while. I was a pathetic sight, I’m certain.

So the elevator it is.

Today, I ran out to grab some nice healthy lunch. On my way back I eschewed the stairwell because, you know, fool me once… And I got into the elevator with several other people from my building. We rose to the third floor and several people got out leaving me and one other gentleman alone. The doors closed. Then nothing. Literally nothing.

Gonzo and Camila off to climb the stairs

For at least forty-five of the longest seconds EVER that box of death hung there doing nothing. I looked at the man who was surely going to be sharing an obituary with me later and he also appeared concerned. Then all of a sudden our deathtrap jerked to life and shot us up two floors to the fifth like a flying chicken from the Muppets

I’d rather be stuck than catapulted. At least I could have seated myself on the floor, eaten my wrap, drank my flavored water, and read my book until the firemen showed up. I’d have been content for hours so long as the other guy wasn’t a panicky sort. Or at least I would have been until I had to pee. Then things might have escalated.

Speaking of escalators…Can we get one of those?

Today is the first day of autumn. Wahooo! It was still 91 degrees here, today, at lunch time. But hey, that’s not 110. Thus we woke up this morning with hope in our hearts. This is actually going to happen. Bring on the fall! We’re just dying to put on a sweater. Or some socks. One of our favorite things about colder weather is that the cats get super cuddly. In the throes of summer, they don’t want to sit on you any more than you want them to do so. Living with cat hair is one thing. Having it stick to your sweat is another thing entirely. In a different autumnal theme, we’re not interested in pumpkin spice anything. Except maybe cheesecake. We’ll take cheesecake in any flavor. Except asparagus. That’s revolting. We haven’t tried it or anything, we’re just extrapolating from experience. Anyway, here’s some things to make you say, HA!

1. The Phoenix Zoo baby. There’s a new tiny baby at the Phoenix Zoo. We use “tiny” in the most basic sense to illicit an appropriate “awww” from you because this baby was very, very tall. She is of course a baby giraffe and she is quite adorable even if she does have very big knees. We think giraffes are super cute, but we generally find most animals cute. The thing about giraffes is that they’re relatively safe from us since stealing one would take a serious amount of work. It’s not like you can scale the wall and tuck one in your purse – not even a really, REALLY big purse – and walk

out of the zoo. We are very intrigued by that Direct TV commercial that had the miniature giraffe on it. We would get ourselves one of those for sure.

2. Madame L’Oreal. The richest woman in the world died this week. Liliane Bettencourt, the 94-year-old make-up icon passed away possessing what both Forbes and Bloomberg estimate to be 44 billion dollars in assets. How many zeros is that, you ask. 44,000.000.000. Nine. Nine zeros. While reading about her we discovered that she lost 22million to Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. That’s not even a drop in her bucket. GADS! Also, there was a massive scandal involving her being bilked out of approximately 1 billion in art, cash, insurance policies and probably anything else of value by a con man playing a very long game. Can you imagine? Being bilked out of a BILLION dollars and still being financially secure? We couldn’t get bilked out of $100 without a nervous breakdown.

We’ve been looking for an angel investor to make our bookstore dream a reality. So – hey – heirs to the L’Oreal fortune - $5M is only a drop in your bucket when you look at the big picture. It’s only six zeros. You wouldn’t believe how grateful we’d be.

3. Speaking of massive wealth. We’ve been looking for a country to ex-patriot ourselves to. New Zealand was a contender for a long time. Hobbits have a certain appeal. Sweden was bandied about. Even Panama if we were looking for a warmer clime. However, we think we’ve landed on Norway. What pushed us over the edge was the news that the country created a “sovereign wealth fund” twenty years ago, investing oil and gas profits into a fund. This week it was revealed that this fund is now at 1TRILLION dollars. Sweet baby Odin, that’s 12 zeros. TWELVE. That’s tolv in Norwegian. We figure we’re going to need to learn the language. This fund is dedicated to making sure that the future generations of Norwegians have secure pensions when they retire. You should probably learn Norwegian, too. On another little note – according to the United Nations report, Norway is the happiest country on Earth. And Norwegian Forest Cats come from…

4. You’ve wondered and now you can know. We found this app created by The Oatmeal. If you’re unfamiliar, The Oatmeal is a really funny comedy blog that you need to visit immediately – after you’re done on our blog. We’re huge fans. Jojo Kitty even wears an orange collar from the Kitty Convict Project. Anyway, The Oatmeal cares about us cat owners thus this app was born. It’s a series of questions that become alarmingly clear that your cat is scarier than you thought. It turns out that Jojo Kitty has only a 64% chance that he’s trying to kill us but Quentin came up at 100%. Honestly, we’re not surprised about either of those results. Jojo is waaaay too lazy to be plotting anything. Quentin on the other hand, that cat just wants to watch the world burn. He might have learned some bad habits while in prison. I don’t know. All we’re saying is that you should get the app and be aware. Not that we’re going to do anything about it. We’re blindly stupid when it comes to our furry children.

5. A shot in the dark. Crazy stuff always happens to the Sisters. As proof, we submit the following: Ava was shot last night by a glass bottle. Recently, she has been drinking something called Kombucha. It’s a fermented beverage that is supposed to have many health benefits. But don’t let anyone lie to you, no matter what flavor it purports to be on the label, it will taste like pickle juice. You also shouldn’t shake it. Anyhoo, Ava bought a few bottles yesterday and put them in her car after work while she went to the hair dresser. When she got home, she took the bag out of the back seat and headed for the mailbox. Halfway there was an extremely loud pop, like a gun shot. It was so loud, Ava’s children and three neighbors came outside. What they found was a stunned Ava, blood and glass everywhere. One of the bottles had exploded! This story doesn’t actually sound funny, but it really is when Ava tells it. Consider inviting her over for a coffee and an actual reenactment. Make her show you how she almost fainted.

We’re half way through September and it’s still a million degrees outside. We stare longingly at the pile of sweaters we won’t be able to wear for at least another month. It’s a bit disheartening. But, at least we’re not flooded. Our friend Kurt would be proud of us for coming up with something not to complain about when it comes to weather. He knows just how much we love to complain about the weather. Actually, complaining about stuff in general. Right now, the biggest complaint is due to the Sisters lack of proximity to each other. Working on opposite side’s of the city does not afford us many opportunities to lunch together. We hate it. The world would be a much more tolerable place if we were back together more often. Thank Zeus there’s these five things to keep us distracted.

1. It’s a zoo! So the Arkansas Game and Fish happened upon a barn housing seven tigers, six lions and one leopard. They went there on an anonymous tip. All of the animals were in good health. No one got into any trouble because their owner, a man from England, had all the proper papers. This gave the sisters pause. Are you telling us there are proper papers to be had? That’s all we need? Where does one get these papers? Surely there’s somewhere on the internet we can get them. Or maybe at the office supply store where they sell the do-it-yourself divorce kits. How complicated can it be? Maybe this is the call we’ve been waiting for to become familiar with the black web.

2. Something’s up in Vermont. The police are looking for a man who ran into a sporting goods store and stole an airsoft rifle. That doesn’t seem like that big a deal. Certainly not necessarily something that would pique the interest of the Sisters, you’d think, right? Wrong. Seems this fellow was wearing a panda suit. Don’t you think that’d be strange enough, if a person came into a store wearing a panda suit? Honestly, that should set some alarm bells ringing. One can assume some shenanigans are afoot. Also, it should be noted that if a person is shot with an airsoft rifle it would hurt a lot less if you’re wearing a panda suit. Not that we know this from experience.

3. Steph Laberis. Amylynn bought this print by Steph Labris, a completely delightful artist, while she was in Disneyland this summer. This is the spookily accurate representation of living in the Bright house with Quentin. It’s like she’s met the Velvet Menace and spent some quality time with him. The Sisters are just in love with her art - you can see a bunch of it here on her Deviant Art page. We’re looking for a few specific other pieces by her as well, but she’s hard to locate. Steph - if you read this we’re convinced that you’re an Honorary Quill Sister based on your Panda picture alone. Everything you do is adorable. Please let us know where we can find your work. Also, if you’ll accept a

commission for a portrait of Jojo Kitty, the handsomest cat in all the land. Love - your Sisters.

4. Edward Thomas Hardy. One of our favorite actors turned forty yesterday. We should all take a moment to take in the glory of Tom. Not only does he look like this…sigh. But he’s also one hell of an actor. If you’re not familiar with his work and you’re in the mood for something serious, we recommend Wuthering Heights, The Revenant, Inception. If you looking for something romantic and charming go for This Means War. If action is what you’re looking for there’s The Dark Knight Rises and Mad Max Fury Road. But if you want to see the best movie he’s ever done - an amazing film in both story telling and directing. The entire cast is phenomenal. Check it out. Warrior. You won’t be sorry.

5. The Glories of Mortgage Lending. The Sisters often joke about leaving the glories of mortgage lending behind to do something else. Truthfully, anything else. However, and this is true, the Sisters do learn something new almost everyday at their jobs. For example, one of them had to find out how much round portable animal pen panels with gates cost, used ($1200.00). They also know what Dorper Sheep are and what part of the country they hail from (Texas). It also turns out, you can’t get a mortgage if you own a marijuana farm but you can if you only work there. We suggest you don’t play Trivial Pursuit with us.

I made dinner tonight. First let me state, right now at the beginning, that no one (else) got hurt or sick. Also, The only thing that got burned was my thumb.

To those of you who are new to the blog, I am not the primary cook in this house and everyone is grateful. Except My Honey, but he also knows that he’s way better at it than me. When I make dinner, you can almost guarantee that something will go wrong. I swear to Zeus I don’t do it on purpose.

Take for example the last time I made a chicken pot pie.

That’s one of the few things I make well. Pie. I’m good at pie. It’s probably because it’s dessert and I LOVE dessert. Somehow or another that transfers over to a savory pot pie.

Last time I made it from scratch just like I always do. I roasted the chicken, made the roux, latticed up the crust. I pulled the glass pie pan from the oven and left it on top of the stove to set and cool a bit while I set the table. It was gorgeous.

I had just set the plates on the table when there was an explosion in the kitchen. I assumed the dogs. Dogs are trouble - especially when they’re tall. Roscoe the Wonder Mutt is a leggy bloodhound who can easily grab things off the counter. I ran to the kitchen but it wasn’t the dogs. It wasn’t even a curious cat.

I had inadvertently set the glass pie pan on a hot burner and it exploded in a million pieces splattering my beautiful pot pie over every inch of the kitchen. It took forever to get it out of all the burners. And off the ceiling. And the cabinets.

I was too furious to cry. I remember we had spaghetti instead. I love spaghetti but it’s no homemade pot pie.

Regardless, I committed to doing it again. Chicken had been on sale at the grocery and we’d stocked up the deep freeze.

I made 100% certain that the burners were all off on the stove. It turned out perfect. This story has no punchline and that’s a damn good thing.

Welcome back! Well, we guess we should welcome ourselves back. We took a break. We’d been at this blog for YEARS and we were just exhausted. And sometimes you’re too busy and/or weary to be funny for other people, ya know? To be honest, and we feel really bad about this actually, we didn’t do much writing at all. We’re feeling much better now, though, and we’re committed to being funny for an audience again. We thought we’d start back with the Five Favorite Things because that was one of our little pet features. The Amy and Ava Show is back for a long engagement. Remember, leave comments to encourage your favorite comedic bloggers.

1. Blue-Eyed dragons. Are you all fans of Game of Thrones? If you aren’t, we don’t know how you manage to avoid it. How can you even follow conversations on Monday mornings? They’re all full of conspiracy theories and manic ravings about incest and murder and white zombies. This show is so fabulous — we can barely contain ourselves. Did we ever tell you about the time we almost got arrested for stalking George R R Martin? It involved the bribe of a Bundt cake. All the best shenanigans involve cake, and we figured George looked like a fellow who’d appreciate two funny and charming women showing up at his house with cake. Maybe one of these days we’ll give you the full scoop. Back to the point. We want a blue-eyed dragon who breathes blue ice-fire. It would come in remarkably handy when one of our nemeses needs a reminder of just exactly who they’re dealing with. Hey - you watchers of the Song of Ice and Fire - what’s your theory on where the hell the Night King got those giant chains to pull that dragon out with. Is there a Home Depot on the other side of the wall or what?

2. We all deserve the shake. Ava was fetching herself some lunch yesterday - alone - because now she and Amylynn work on opposite sides of town and never see each other. This is a tragedy of epic proportions and the universe is all the lessor for it. However, there’s also probably fewer employment opportunities for wait staff and counter help now that they’re not together torturing people as a hobby thus forcing service people to quit their jobs and remand themselves to solitary occupations such as nuns and hermits. While ordering at the counter she over heard this pearl of wisdom from an older lady talking to her granddaughters. “I’m 80-years-old. I’m getting the shake. You’re teenagers. Get the shake.” This woman is our hero. This is also why we’ll always be fat. No matter what your situation, it’ll probably be made better with a shake.

3. September Vogue. Specifically page 662. What the hell is this bullshit? This, dear readers, is the embodiment of the Emperor Has No Clothes allegory. It’s literally a winter coat sewed together with a house muumuu and some fake pink fur. Who would wear this nonsense? Where would you wear it? Like we guess while running around in the fields of Yorkshire in the dead of winter trying to catch your wayward sheep. Amylynn swore she wouldn’t ever wear that ridiculous getup even if offered a lamb as a bribe, but Ava reminded her that the model was paid and that Amylynn should shut up because - lamb or no lamb - if offered money, Amy would wear it. Of course she was right. If you get paid enough money you can buy a lot of lambs. And if the lambs should happen to get poop on your dress, no one would even notice. Or care. Except maybe Prada.

4. How close can we get to the front door? Ava used to be married to a person who refused to valet park. Now she wanders the earth valet parking everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Even when she’s not even going in a restaurant. If a valet comes near her car to park it, she lets them. What’s better than valet parking? Nothing you cry! But you’d be wrong. Because you know what is? Valet parking in the middle of a monsoon! Yup. Ava went out to dinner last night and it started to pour. Out came the valet to the rescue. That kind valet even parked Ava’s car right in front of the restaurant. Thanks, John!

5. Pin the Tail on the Donkey. The Sister’s got an accidental cat. We see you rolling your eyes! Well, it’s true. We had no plans to get another kitty. Well, not a real plan that was going to be executed. It wasn’t like we were lying to ourselves about getting a sixth cat between the two of us. Anyway, the problem isn’t that we now have six cats, the problem is that the new fur baby has no tail. He’s a Manx. That means he has no tail, just a tuft of hair where his tail should be. Amy insists he lost it gambling. Ava can’t pet him right because she always tugs the cat’s tail when she’s done petting it. This cat actually went to college with the oldest Bright child. When the hell did it become okay to bring a cat to college? He is majoring in Catculus. If it had been like that when we were in school - we’d still be there.