We made it to Friday. If we believed in such things, we’re certain it’s a damn miracle. Not only did our President NOT blow us up this week, we didn’t get hit by a bus, contract a deadly virus, or get mauled by bears. That last thing is probably because we’re not willing to go outside and that’s generally where the bears are located. Nevertheless, if a roaming pack of bears wandered past the car wash while either of us were there, we most certainly would have met our death by mauling. It was a bad week. All the planets were badly aligned or something. We have put in a formal request for next week to be a major improvement on this one. These Things amused us amid our despair. Hopefully they’ll do the same for you.

1. Who knew Canadians were so boisterous. So a dude in Montreal got a ticket for $149 for being too loud in public. Don’t you know he’s fighting it. Won’t pay it, he says. No way was he as loud as the authorities and complaining citizens claim he was being. That’s what the ticket was for, by the way: “Screaming in Public.” Seems Mr. Moalla was sitting in his car with the windows “mostly rolled up” when C+C Music Factory’s song “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)” came on the radio. Mr. Moalla sang along, you know, as a fan is wont to do. We all know we’ve rolled up to a traffic light next to some fool in a car with the radio up so loud that your own car vibrates from

Billy Joel and Baby Remy Anne
Credit: Myrna Suarez

the bass they’re belting out. Imagine how loud Mr. Moalla must have been for a cop to pull him over. It’s a good song, we’ll admit, but not that good. It’s not like it was “I Will Survive” or, Ava’s personal favorite, “Dancing Queen.”

2. What’s Billy Thinking? The news came out this week that Billy Joel just had another child. The man is 68-years-old. I guess it’s different when you’re rich and you have a kid at that ridiculous age. All we can think about is not sleeping for six months and dirty diapers. We were never so happy as when we finally got to leave the damn diaper bag at home. Perhaps when you’re an uber-rich celebrity you hire people for that nonsense. Still – when she goes off for college, he’ll probably be back in diapers himself. We wonder if that thought wakes him up at night in a cold sweat. Well, while he’s up he might as well fix a bottle and change some poopy pants. Also, he named this child Remy Anne – which is totally, totally wrong. The Brights had that name all sewn up 17 years ago.

3. Who is the patron saint of candidates? We looked it up. It’s Saint Thomas Moore. We’re lighting a bonfire to the man, the myth, the legend. Surely he has something to do with the fact that Kid Rock decided not to run for public office. Yes, apparently that was an actual thing. US Senate. From Michigan. Some of our family is from Michigan and, if that horror show happened, we were blaming them for it. Clasp

How we imagine Brenda, Joe’s new girlfriend.

your hands together whether your Catholic or not and thank St Thomas Moore for intervening. We don’t need to add greasy hair to what is already happening over there.

4. Does Target sell crumpets? What exactly is a crumpet? Well, now when we wonder these things we have someone to go to. Her name is Denise and Amylynn met her when she went to pick up kitty food. “Oooh!” she said when the conveyor belt brought the cans toward her. “You have a kitty?” Her accent sounded brilliant amidst all the boring American tones. “Yes,” I admitted, thrilled for any opportunity to talk about my perfect felines. “And if you’re not careful I’ll show you pictures of them.” Denise seemed genuinely interested so I showed her pictures readily available on my phone of Quentin and Joe. She gushed. Of course she did; they’re gorgeous. “You have a gingey!” she squealed referring to the perfectly handsome Jojo Kitty. “I have a ginger, too.” Turns out hers is a girl named Brenda. Originally

Zelda Zeta Fitzgerald

the cat’s name was Beatrice, but that’s a very lady-like name and the kitty got fat. “I thought Brenda was a more fitting name.” We found our English soul mate.

5. Share the hedge. Well, it’s happened. The Sisters have been whining for a tiny hedgehog for so long now they were convinced no one listens to them. Not so! The Sisters have an amazing friend who gave Ava an early birthday. Needless to say, she was in shock! Check back here during the week for a complete blog on the new baby. For now, here’s a sneak peek of Zelda. (No, Billy Joel, that’s not an invitation for you to have another baby and steal another one of our family member’s names.)

Here we are again. The end of another week. What have we accomplished? Not a whole hell of a lot. How about you? This isn’t how you thought it was all going to turn out, is it? Us either. No one ever said anything about this constant working and bill paying and fighting with your kids. Gah! We should have paid more attention to our parents when they were going through this. In case any of your cares, we think it’s bullshit. We would start a revolution but that seems like a lot of work. And that, right there, should explain the problem. Never mind. Carry on.

1. This could happen. Amylynn was cackling away while reading the newspaper the other day. It seems that a dude set his manufactured home on fire because he was trying to burn spiders and spider webs with a blow torch. Amylynn couldn’t believe what an idiot this fellow was. Her Honey looked at her strangely. “You’d do that,” he said, “probably without even thinking about it.” It’s probably true. Amylynn’s aversion to spiders is well documented on this site. But still, a blow torch? Maybe he meant to burn the place down, she suggested. But it turns out his mom was inside. She lived, so don’t panic, but we’d like to think he wasn’t sending her to hell with the spiders. Amylynn would like it noted that she doesn’t even own a blow torch.

2. Doing it right. Halloween is just around the corner. You wouldn’t know that at our house. It’s supposed to be in the high-nineties next week. The only way we know it’s almost Halloween is that the Christmas decorations are starting to go up at the mall. Blahahahaha. We exaggerate. The only way we know it’s Halloween is because there’s pumpkin-spice crap at the Starbucks. The people in Parma, Ohio are way luckier in that they have a dude who made a two-story At-At in his front yard as a decoration. It’s amazing. The crazy thing is that he’s not even a Star Wars fanatic. He just thought it would be cool. And it is. We’d totally wear our General Organa costumes over there and hang out.

3. We have enough crazies, thank you. The best stories come out of Florida. Take this one for example. There’s a woman running for Congress who stands by her story that she was abducted by aliens when she was seven, “but that should detract from what she’s done here on Earth since then.” The whole thing has an Alice in Wonderland aspect to it, doesn’t it? So what has she done on Earth, you ask? She’s a leadership teacher at Miami Dade College and runs a consulting firm. We don’t know what they consult on, but it certainly sparks our curiosity. Tin foil hats perhaps? Sure, she may be nuts, and her primary claim to fame is that she’s ridden in an alien space ship, but she’s held a job so elect her to Congress. Everyone calm down; it’s just alternate facts. Gadzooks, we’re spiraling, people.

4. The color orange. Some folks don’t think the Home Depot is the place to get parts to your Halloween costume. Those people would be the employees. Ava took the boy who used to live at her house but now lives on a college campus there to help find wire for her Halloween costume. Turns out they had just what she needed but it needed to be cut with bolt cutters. If you’ve ever been in a HD, you know they have tools around the store you can use. Or, if they don’t want you to use them, they shouldn’t leave them out. Ava talked the boy into helping her cut the wire. After he was holding the bolt cutters she said “If any employees see us, drop the cutters and wire and make a run for it.” That kid has no sense of humor because he put the tool down and went and got an employee to ask permission to use them. After much explaining and divulging the fact the boy was an engineering major, permission was granted. Ava sternly told the employee the HD logo color was ORANGE just like Halloween for goodness sake and they should be more accommodating to Halloween costume builders, shouldn’t they? Ava informed the boy the whole event would have been more fun with Amy. Together, they would have never asked for permission and nothing would be funnier than two chubby women making a run for it from a Home Depot with wire and a bolt cutter on the evening news.

5. We’re starting a Go Fund Me for bail. The news just came out. One of our life long dreams is about to come true. Our prayers to all the gods have finally been answered. They’re opening a Red Panda exhibit at our local zoo. There’s going to be two of them – the perfect number. They’re not staying permanently (booo!). They’re just here as a layover until their Utah habitat is completed. But we’ll get them for a while so we’ll have to act fast. A couple of facts you may not know but are integral to our happiness. Red Pandas only weigh 7 – 13 pounds. Jojo Kitty is twice that. Hell, Quentin is already over that and he’s just barely a year old. Also, their diet consists mainly of bamboo. You’ll find recipes for bamboo cake in our search history. We predict that Coach will be having a sale on their tote bags for Christmas.

Today is Friday the 13th. This does not disturb us. We are not superstitious. Black cats? Yes, please. We’re not walking under any ladders because we don’t have anything to do with ladders, no matter what day it is. We’re even happy to have 13 people to dinner, so long as there’s dessert. We just don’t believe in bad luck. Although, maybe we should reconsider this. Wouldn’t it be awesome if you could just wave some sage around, chant a few words, and good stuff would happen? If that worked, the first thing we’d do is chant for some lottery winnings. Every day spent in our day-jobs makes us pine more desperately for our book store. These five things made it better for us this week. Hopefully they work for you, too.

1. Go, go Godzilla. We’re huge fans of John OIiver’s Last Week Tonight. Sunday he was discussing the latest social issue in America regarding the removal of Confederate statues. He suggested that maybe we should get some statues of Godzilla to replace them. We were immediately intrigued. We think that would be awesome. There are simply not enough statues of nuclear-born monsters in this world. Wouldn’t that be fabulous? We love Godzilla and we think someone should start a Go Fund Me account. We’d totally contribute. We should put on the South Lawn of the White House. Have it look directly in the windows.

2. Russell Brand. Turns out Russell is hot. We know what you’re thinking. He’s not hot; he’s annoying. That’s what we always assumed, anyway. Amylynn was completely ready to be royally irritated. It doesn’t take much to irk her anyway. Ava knows this and purposely engages people that she knows will rankle Amylynn. She’s a sadist. Anyway, Russell was on Bill Maher last week and he was a revelation. Besides the fact that he’s got crazy/beautiful hair that would qualify him to appear on Versailles, he’s smart. Really smart. He goes a million miles an hour which would be totally exhausting to hang around with, but he’s also shockingly intelligent. Bill offhandedly asked him to define gerrymandering and much to everyone’s surprise, Russell gave a text-book definition right off the cuff. That qualifies him as Sister Crush-Worthy. We totally get it Katy Perry.

3. We need a puppy! Somehow we’re living our lives wrong. We tell everyone we meet that we want a puppy. That has done us absolutely no good whatsoever. Vladimir Putin on the other hand is gifted a damn puppy every time he turns around. Just this week he got his third gift of a puppy. This time a Central Asian shepherd from Turkmenistan. He’s already received two other puppies - a Bulgarian Shepherd from, you guessed it, Bulgaria and an Akita from Japan. All of this because he’s mentioned that he likes dogs. We’re not kidding when we tell you everyone we know is aware that we need a puppy and we get NOTHING. And the real kick in the ass here? He gave them stupid names. Verny, Buffy and Yume. He’s a moron. So unfair.

4. None of them are ever fat. The North American Wife Carrying Championships were held recently in Maine and the winners this year are Jake and Kirsten Barney from Virginia. In case you’re unaware, this is a race wherein the husband totes the wife through an obstacle course. If you think that sounds absurd, then you should be made aware that the Barney’s won fives-times Kirsten’s weight - $630 - and 12 cases of beer.

We’re nearly desperate for this one.

So there’s that. We remember a time when we were 126 pounds. We did not allow ourselves to be carried for beer. Now if there’d been a puppy in the offing…

5. Steph Laberis, again. Remember a while ago when Amylynn bragged about the charming kitty print she’d bought from this artist the Sisters loved? We’d been searching and searching for where to buy more of her work and we hadn’t been successful. And then there was a horrible fire that ravaged California and Steph Laberis posted on Facebook how she was selling signed prints and all of the money was going to a relief fund. With a squeal that could probably be heard all the way to California, Amylynn popped over to her site and there were several of the prints we’ve been dying for. We bought them all. ALL. We’re good humans for contributing to the cause and we got the prints we wanted. Honestly, it’s like Christmas. We even got some prints for people for Christmas. Maybe we’re living right after all. It’d be better with a puppy.

Well, didn’t this week seriously, seriously suck. We were completely stunned by Vegas – kinda numb which is a truly awful thing to admit, but lately it just seems like there have been so many of these tragedies. And then Tom Petty died and, well, shit. Everyone go fetch a puppy or a kitten and come with us. We’re going to hole up in a big comfortable bed, watch reruns of anything we can find on television, and eat terribly unhealthy food. After all the abuse the universe has heaped on us for the last month or so, we all deserve to feel sorry for ourselves for a bit. Come on. We just changed the sheets. Otherwise, here’s some things to get you through. You’ll understand how we only came up with 4.

1. He’s probably got excellent vision. You’re never going to believe any part of this story. The whole this is so very, very odd. Come along with us on a magical ride. There are people in this world who are able to grow things – you know, plants and vegetables. The only thing the Sisters can grow are pets and children. But there is a dude, nay a wizard, in Minnesota who calls himself Chris Qualley. Chris grows carrots. Extraordinary carrots. This latest one is in the Guinness Book of World Records as coming in at 22.4 pounds. Amylynn would like it noted that the carrot is in fact bigger than her cat, but just barely. If you want to learn more you can go to the Carrot Museum on line and be educated. Seriously. There’s a carrot museum. The Sisters couldn’t care less about the hows and whys of this horticulture snoozefest. Hey Chris - as soon as you turn it into a carrot cake you be sure to let us know. We care about carrot cake a whole lot.

2. Let us know when you make a Kraken. We’ve mentioned before how much we love jewelry. Heck – we’ve even admitted that if there’s a zombie apocalypse the first place we’re going is Tiffany’s flagship in NYC. There’s no reason you can’t wear diamonds while macheteing the walking dead. We also love glossy magazines because, among other fabulous things, they’re often filled with spectacular jewelry ads. Ads where the jewelry is so freaking expensive that they won’t even list the value – “price available upon request” they say. That’s hoity-toity for “you can’t afford it”. Ava found this in the latest issue of Elle Décor. This beauteous item is by Van Cleef and Arpels. There is a whole glittery collection inspired by Noah’s Ark. We’re not sure about that title since, as far as we’re aware, no unicorns, Pegasus, or phoenixes made it on the Ark. Maybe they should make a Loch Ness

Alexander Vlahos (Monsieur), George Blagden (Louis XIV)

Monster or a Big Foot and call it the Mythical Ark. We should get a discount for all of these good ideas. Call us.

3. Oh the hair… We discussed this one before in the Five Favorite Things, but it’s back and worth another mention. If you’re not watching the Ovation series Versailles you’re doing yourself a serious disservice. This show is unbelievable. It’s all about Louis XIV, the Sun King, who built the palace Versailles. Well of course HE didn’t build it but we’re not in the mood to argue semantics. The show is actually filmed at the palace so all the gorgeous sets are real. The costumes make a person want to weep they’re so lovely and expensive. The acting is phenomenal and the story incredibly gripping all the more so because this shit actually happened. Several times in season one we had to look stuff up because it seemed too fantastic to be true. Season two just started. Go watch season one – there aren’t that many episodes so you can get caught up quickly. You’ll be thankful you did. Also, we want you to know the actors playing the royal brothers are scrumptious.

4. Free advertising. The Bright children demanded new water bottles. We live in the desert and water bottles are a very serious matter. V.e.r.y. s.e.r.i.o.u.s. It’s practically a state law here - you can’t leave your house without water. Ava always forgets. Ava is lucky to leave the house everyday with the essentials ie; herself and her purse. Anyway, the new water bottles are called Hydro Flasks. They keep ice and water cold for up to 72 hours. And by goodness, they really do. You don’t truly know joy until you take a sip of icy cold water on a 110 degree day. You know how you buy stuff all the time and the product never quite lives up to the advertising? Not so with the Hydro Flask. It really works. The problem (Isn’t there always a problem?), is the price. These things cost $900.00 dollars each. Okay, that’s an exaggeration. They cost around $40.00 and on up each depending on the kind, size, personalization, etc. No one should pay $40.00 for a water bottle unless you live in the desert and than it’s okay. At least according to the Bright children.

Thank Zeus September is over. That month was way longer than was necessary. You ever notice how that happens? If you want to see something really horrifying take a look at a calendar and notice how close we are to Christmas. How the hell did that happen? It’s like we weren’t watching and it crept up on us. Prepare your wallet. That’s why we need the Five Favorite Things. When stuff is sneaking up on you and you’re getting mired up in September you need to be on the look out for absurd things to keep you going. Here’s what we found this week.

1. Officer Boris. Amylynn is in charge of finding speakers for our local chapter of Romance Writers of America. Every year we do a panel of dangerous jobs. This year Amy rounded up some Search and Rescue people as well as an officer from our local police department in charge of the canine unit. She absolutely insisted that he bring his canine partner. Holy Moly was this dog cute. We know you have an impression that police dogs are scary, but, in the case of Boris, that was totally not true. It’s possible that we would have a different impression of him if we were criminals and he was actively biting us. Nevertheless, when Boris is just being a doggy, he’s freaking adorable! He climbed in our laps and showed us his favorite toy. Cutie patootie.

2. Patron Saint of Pajamas. Hugh Hefner died. If anyone ever lived their life to the fullest, we’d guess it was him. The boy who lived at Ava’s house but who is currently in college considers Hugh a genius of style. At the very least he provided the inspiration for the young man’s plan to live the rest of his life in silk pajamas and velvet robes. That’s really all the style points we can give him because that mansion of his was pretty awful. And the grotto? No thank you! We understand he spent an exorbitant amount of money to get the crypt next to Marilyn Monroe. We’re not sure how we feel about that exactly. We kinda hope Marilyn haunts him in the afterlife.

3. Hopefully they take checks. We love these stories when they come up. Someone in Massachusetts was digging around in their friend’s basement and found a library book that was a bit overdue. He returned it to the library who thought it was awesome. The due date stamped on the inside was November 11, 1938. We don’t know anything about the book - “The Young Lady at Home,” by T.S. Arthur. We wonder what the original borrower thought of it? Was it so good he wanted to reread it? Did he lose it? We imagine he misplaced it and found it in December 1938, but he was he too terrified of the librarian to return it. By the way, the fine now is $2,800. That book can’t be that good.

4. Not that Ava would take them up on it. Congratulations to the women of Saudi Arabia! The King has decreed that for the first time in 27 years women will be allowed to drive. Obviously, this is a huge gain for women’s rights and for their individual freedoms. It’s a baby step as they’ll still require their husband or father’s permission to purchase a car, but it’s still a step. We have a few tips for you. Get yourself some oven mitts. We live in the desert too and that steering wheel can get wicked hot. Also, DO NOT allow your children to eat

This Red Velvet was amazing!

in the car - not even once. You’ll never get the goldfish cracker residue from your upholstery. Your Sisters in the US are happy for you. Here’s to midnight ice cream runs, ladies!

5. Just Desserts. As you may have read in this blog, the Sisters work in the mortgage industry. Every year, the Women’s Council of Realtors has a charity auction. It’s brilliant because it only includes cake - homemade, bakery, restaurant - cake from everywhere! This year there were over 100 cakes auctioned off and the charity made a boatload of money. Some of the cakes went for $600.00 and higher. A lot of the winners share their prize right there at the auction, plates are provided on all of the tables. The Sisters ate so much cake they can’t even look at it right now. We won’t need more dessert until at least Thursday.