In Our Humble Opinion . . . musical chairs is child abuse, at least it is the way the Quill Sisters play it.
Stephen and I have never had an easy relationship. When I was much younger, I attempted to read “It”. I don’t remember exactly why I didn’t finish the book but I do remember that I didn’t. In all fairness to Mr. King, I was always heavily into historical romances and perhaps he was just not what I was interested in back then.
I felt fully vindicated in my ignoring him when I saw the film version of the book. I do not like horror movies at all but not even I was frightened by IT.
Recently, I was extremely annoyed with Stephen for condemning the writing skills of Stephanie Meyers. Was that really something he needed to point out? Thanks Captain Obvious! For those of you who don’t know, Ms. Meyers is the author of the Twilight series. Currently, it is very fashionable to bash these books and movies. However, I don’t think he bashed her writing to appear fashionable – I think he was just being mean.
Don’t worry Stephanie. My favorite author might be Christopher Hitchens but I have read every word of your stories and have seen all of the movies. My eleven year old still makes us watch them on the weekends. You have millions of fans and millions of dollars and you don’t need Stephen King!
Right about now you’re wondering why I even bring him up. Well, I’ll tell you – Amylynn loves Stephen King. Every time
I admit I have no use for him; she says I would change my mind if I gave him another chance. Just to shut her up, I said okay. That and he was delightful on Sons of Anarchy.
She loaned me a book of short stories and told me they were great. Great – was the word she used. Great. The first story was Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption. Having seen the movie, I dove right in. And you know what? It was darn good. Some might use the word GREAT. I was starting to think that I’d been too hasty in my dislike, so I moved on to the second short story – Apt Pupil.
I guess it’s been a number of years since Amylynn has read these stories because surely she would not have ever given me this particular book if she actually wanted me to ever like him.
The story starts out just as well written as the first story (Yes, Stephen, you are a brilliant writer and story teller) and you keep turning the pages even while you’re supposed to be in bed sleeping because you have work the next day.
All of this comes to a grinding halt on page 200 of the edition I have. For those of you who have never read this story – I am not making this up – one of the main characters puts a living cat in an oven at 500 degrees. And then he describes
the cat’s suffering and death.
I am certain that Stephen is a crazy lunatic. The paragraphs are sickening and clearly written by a deranged individual. That’s some vivid imagination Mr. King has there, almost like he was writing from memory.
I have to admit something; I had no intention of ever reading another word written by Stephen again. Ever. Not even if he came back to Entertainment Weekly after dropping us flat.
After a few days, I kept wondering what happened at the end of the story. I kept telling myself that it was just a story; I didn’t really need to know how it ended. Another few days went by and I couldn’t stop myself. I not only finished that story but started the third.
I hate you Stephen King, you are a sick bastard with genius writing skills.
Did you all know that before finally choosing the dwarfs final names, Disney also considered Chesty, Tubby, Burpy, Deafy, Hickey, Wheezy and Awful? Can you imagine?
All the dwarfs were male so I’m assuming that Chesty would not have had huge breasts. Maybe his prototype was of a sailor with a large tattoo. “I heart Snow White” maybe? And what about Tubby? As I recall, Doc was a bit portly. Maybe they just combined the two.
Burpy? Really? That’s just gross.
Deafy? Not very P.C. but perhaps they weren’t too worried about that in 1937. After all, Al Jolson was still making movies in black face for God’s sake.
Hickey? Holy crap. One can only assume the drawings of this guy was disgusting – a teenage covered in suck marks probably. Ick.
Wheezy – well, I guess Wheezy is no worse than Sneezy. I wonder if one of the animators suffered from allergies.
Awful, like Doc and Tubby, was probably morphed with Grumpy.
How about this little bit of insight from Disney on yet another ill-fated name.
JUMPY: He is in constant twitchy fear of being goosed, but is not goosed until the last scene. Whenever he hears a noise behind him, he starts, and his hand automatically protects his fanny. He is exceedingly ticklish.
Does anyone besides me find this disturbing? Was there a lot of this going around at the animation studio?
Give one a whole different perspective on Disney movies, huh?
It’s Girl Scout Cookie time. Ava wants to start a diet tomorrow. Shocking! we know. The rest of us don’t know how successful that will be with Amylynn running around with cute, tasty boxes of calories. We just shrug. Ok, Ava, go right ahead. Here can you hold this sleeve of Thin Mints. Hey! Where are my Thin Mints? So here’s our week in the gag reel.
- Barak. As a president, Barak’s reign has been frustrating and a letdown, but it can’t be said that the man himself is ever boring or less than charming. That fact was never more evident than this past week. Example number one occurred when he went to Disney World for a press conference and remarked how happy he was to meet Mickey Mouse. Said the president, “Nice to meet a world leader who has bigger ears than me!” The Sisters love a man who can poke fun at himself. We do it all the time – not make fun of Barak, but of ourselves. Example number two had Mr. President at the Apollo Theater for another speaking engagement where he wowed the crowd with a pretty decent, if shy and a bit timid, version of Al Green’s Let Stay Together. Charming we say. Charming.
- Obama. Our buffoon of a governor, Jan Brewer, made national news – again – by looking like a crazy idiot – again. When looking at this picture, however, the Sisters can’t help but want to add dialogue. Jan – Blah blah blah blah I’m spouting delusional crazy person stuff blah blah blah. President – Uh huh. Could you step back, please? Personal space. I’m sure you understand. Jan – Blah blah blah I’m a lunatic with awful hair blah blah blah. President – Riiiiiiight. Jan (waggling finger) – Blah blah blah scorpion waffles illegal immigrants blah blah. President – OK. I’m done here. Good day, Madam. (turns to go) Jan – Blah Blah look at my press coverage blah blah. President – I SAID, ‘GOOD DAY’.
- Gongs. Yeah, we said it. Gongs. We’ll bet that you, just like us, had no idea
that gongs were a big deal much less important enough to land front page acreage in the Wall Street Journal. We were all mistaken. Apparently, gongs are economic indicators. Also, specialty gongs called “Planet Gongs” they are single handedly going to stop the world from coming to an end December 21, 2012. Apparently the believers say the sound energy from all the gongs will halt the end of the world. There is another gong named after a planet past Neptune named Sedna which is turned to that planet’s cosmic energy. How the hell can they know that? We don’t know, but we guess we’ll just trust them. There is an entire yoga practice around gongs. We blink in amazement. In case you’re interested in purchasing your own gong, they’re all over the Internet but the rules state any gong over 38 inches is an “outside gong”. Who knew
- Turtle smugglers. The Sisters read this news bulletin with a great deal of interest since we’re planning our own bit of smuggling. In this incident, customs officials found 1,495 pig-nosed turtles being smuggled in two suitcases. That’s a lot of turtles people – even if they are wee little turtles. We can’t imagine stuffing 1,495 anythings into two suitcases, especially things that are alive. We thought of this as a cautionary tale while we plan our panda/llama/porcupine/red panda smuggling operation. On one hand, it seems like stuffing a live thing in a suitcase is a bad plan, but if you were a customs authority would you open a suitcase that was
growling? Us neither.
- Intellectual disability. The Federal government in its infinite wisdom has again added a new politically correct exchange to our vernacular. The Sisters think there is no reason in this world why you would ever need to be mean to disadvantaged people, but we are also concerned that we’re raising a nation of mamby pamby shrinking violets who can’t handle life. That being said, we’d like to know if one can collect disability from the federal government for this since we’re certain we could get enough signatures on a petition testifying that we’re idiots. We’re just asking.