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July 3

5-things12Happy almost birthday, America! If anyone believes in celebrating “almost” birthdays, it’s Amylynn. We’ve got so much going on right now, we don’t even know what to do with ourselves. Important family things are happening at Amylynn’s house, we’re trying to get packed for NYC (more on that below), we need to find a giveaway for the convention, there’s hostess presents, and massive hats to make. As usual we’re totally overwhelmed by all of this. The good news for you, dear Internet, is that the more dress-shoppingjpgoverwhelmed we get the funnier we are. Here’s some good stuff.

1. Dress shopping. The Sisters had an argument over this Thing. It took a moment for us to come to an accord on it. Amylynn thinks dress shopping under these circumstances is a nightmare. Ava loves shopping under any conditions. We did a lot of it, too. There was shopping live where Ava could stand outside a dressing room and demand that Amylynn come out in various dresses wherein Amylynn would sob pathetically and refuse. Then we did on line water buffalo songshopping which is less painful but more stressful. You won’t know of days if something will fit or not. Nevertheless, it’s done. Shoes are next. Pray to whatever gods you think listen to you. We’re going to need all the help we can get.

2. Oh WHERE is my hairbrush! Amylynn stopped off at Starbucks the other day on the way to work and picked up lattes for the Sisters. While she was there a man came in covered with tattoos. One entire leg was done in an epic display of the characters from Veggie Tales. Before she could stop herself she started belting out the words to The Water Buffalo Song. Of course our new friend knew the words and he joined in. When she left the Starbucks the baristas were singing along, too. It was dolphina hell of a way to start a Thursday.

3. Most absurd injury yet. In Santa Ana, California, a woman broke both her ankles while boating. Was she water skiing? No. Was she drunk on a cruise ship and fell down the stairs? Nope. Did a rogue wave tumble her over the side and she cracked her legs on the boat? Huh uh. Chrissie Frickman was taking a leisurely trip out on the water with her husband and children when they encountered a pod of dolphins. We’re certain that everyone on board thought this was a delightful and serendipitous event. How exciting, right? Yeah, until one of the dolphins jumped on the boat, knocked Ms. Frickman over, and landed on her legs. beesEventually they muscled the animal back into the water. We’re very sure that the dolphin was just as started at Ms. Frickman. That’s Doug for you, the dolphins squeaked, Always showing off.

4. The insects are winning. There was an awful accident in Coeur D’Alene, Idaho. A tractor-trailer tipped over and spilled its load of bees. Yes, bees. It closed the interstate because the bees were swarming all over the area. The police advised people to stay away. They had to because people are remarkably stupid. Normally this wouldn’t have been a story worthy of the 5 Things, but this might be the start of a disturbing trend. Another truck wreck only two days before released more than 20 million bees in the eastern Idaho desert. First off, did you know they ship bees? We thought that was interesting, too. We guess trucks are better than hiring a Pied Piper guy to get the bees to follow him to the fields that require triceratopspollinating. Still, two wrecks of trucks full of bees – in the same area – within a week? Stay the hell out of Idaho is all we’re saying. Something weird is going on over there.

5. Going to the movies at work. Our group went on a team building event this week. We all left work at 2:30 and went to see a movie – Jurassic World. Amylynn had seen it already, but Ava hadn’t. Neither had our friends who sat next to us. It was almost as much fun watching them watch the movie as it was watching it for the first time. The Sisters would like to put it out there that we believe in messing around with nature if it would get us a tiny triceratops we could saddle up and ride. After the movie was over, Ava looked at Amylynn in astonishment. She pointed to Chris Pratt on the screen and said, “After all of that, we don’t even get one tear in his shirt? What the hell kind of fabric is that made from?” We agree. When we’re in charge of Hollywood there will be more shots of men with no shirts than women with no shirts. For Zeus’s sake we can see all the boobs we want.

He winked at me. I swear to Zeus he did

Everyone wonders what their pets do all day while they’re at work. I know you do; don’t lie.

I got a glimpse of what Jojo kitty might be doing with his time besides sleeping and eating.

He’s getting so pudgy that it’s possible he’s even eating in his sleep. Our old cat, Geddy, is really getting up

Here are the boys 2 years ago. Jojo looks so tiny!

Here are the boys 2 years ago. Jojo looks so tiny!

there. We think he’s 17 this year. He’s a very stately old gentleman who’s getting weirder and weirder. Can cats get senile? We wonder. Anyway, part of growing old is that he’s diminished considerably in size. He used to be a monster and now he’s…smaller. All except his feet. Those are still enormous. Imagine George Burns wearing clown shoes–if George wore a peach colored fur coat. We’ve been trying to fatten Geddy up, but sadly Jojo scarfs down most of the high-calorie food along with the regular kitty chow plus any table scraps he can beg out of us.

Anyway, I think Jojo has gotten himself a new hobby, and I believe he was practicing the other morning.

I was trying to get ready for work. I was standing before the closet lamenting my clothing choices when I heard a faint meow. I poked my head into the closet and answered with a meow of my own. There was another faint meow in return. I started to panic a bit. Where the hell were my cats?

At first I thought it was Geddy because he likes to crawl into small, snuggly places and take extended naps. Just as I separated the pants on the bottom rack so as to crawl into the bottom of the closet, Geddy wandered by. He glanced at me, I’m certain he rolled his kitty eyes, and then hopped on the bed for that nap I

Roles have bit reversed now

Roles have bit reversed now


I heard the faint meow again and whirled back towards the closet. Oh my God! It was my Baby Joe. Meow, I hollered into the darkness. Meow. It sounded like it was coming from inside the wall. How in the hell did he get his fat ass inside a wall?

Meow, I said again. A faint answering call sounded back.

Holy Zeus! I figured I was going to be late for work. Where did My Honey keep the sledge hammer? Meow. I was getting frantic now.

“Where is my cat?” I asked the universe.

“On my bed,” Bandit answered from his bedroom.

Sure enough, Jojo was curled up on my son’s bed. He looked asleep, but I know it was all a ruse. He surly was practicing his ventriloquism technique.


I should have used it to sleep!

Did you know you got an extra second today? In typical fashion, I was fascinated by this as I often am with subjects that are scientific in nature. I read all about it today and, also in typical fashion, I also found much to find silly. If you want to know that reason why we need this extra second, feel free to read all the minutia on the subject the NASA peoplemoon have to tell you at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, California Institute of Technology website.

It seems that our little planet is in a tidal tug of war with the moon and the sun. The only reason this is an issue really, is for high tech stuff like satellites and space craft that needs accurate time calculations so the navigations systems know exactly where they are. The thing that’s the most fascinating is that this second isn’t always a second — sometimes more, sometimes less, and we don’t need to add it all the time. Variations like weather, tides, ice storage, etc. can alter how much time needs to be added and how often.

The way I look at it, our planet is getting lazy. Eventually, the moon will win and we’ll stop revolving all together. Obviously, this will take a very, very, very long time and the occupants of Earth will have certainly destroyed atomic clockourselves long before the Moon has a shot at it.

There are all kinds of advice on what to do with your extra second today. John Oliver has a whole website showcasing one second videos.

I considered what I should do with my one extra second.

I could kiss my cat’s belly, but I do that all the time and I thought maybe I should be doing something extraordinary.

I could gaze at photos of Tom Hardy, but that takes longer than one second to do properly.

I could buy a lottery ticket. Maybe a one purchased at that magical second would have extra luck.

I could swim with sharks, but then I remembered that I don’t go outside.

So mostly I spent my extra second wasting time. It turned out kinda perfect.




What a dopey dog!

These videos kill me. This guy nails these dogs.

Why can’t togas come back in style?

Why — when you need a specific thing — why is that thing never, ever available?

I speak specifically about a cream 0r brown or blue dress.

Cream is probably never going to happen. Chubby girls should not wear colors that make them look like beluga whales. Just sayin’.

Apparently, no one buys brown dresses in summer, therefore no one makes brown dresses in the summer.

And it can’t be just any blue. It must be the right blue. Probably this is a shade of blue that exists only in my head, never in fabric form.

Additionally, this dress must be just right. It’s for a signing even at the Romance Writers of America national convention in New York City in July.

It would also be nice if I could wear it again to work. I tried on 739 dresses this weekend, and I can say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it’s waaaaaay, waaaaaay too hot to be trying on clothes.



June 26

5-things12In three short weeks the Sisters are going to New York City. We’re so excited; we can barely contain ourselves (We won’t be contained!). We can’t wait to be in the world’s most exciting city, see all our friends, talk with our editors and agents, and generally geek out over books. Also, we’ve picked out bakeries we want to visit, egg rolls we want to eat, and zeppoli vendors to pester. Honestly, we’ll be like two fat and happy cats in the biggest bowl of cream in our lives. We do however have a bit of a Cinderella problem. We have nothing to wear. That will make packing light much easier, eh? Part II of that problem is that, since we have real jobs now, we don’t have time during the day to run all over the world shopping for what we need. Hello internet! So far Lands End has been recruited to work on the wardrobe. We’ll let you know how that goes. While you’re laughing at our misfortune, you can laugh at this stuff, too.

1. We kind of get it. This week Facebook stock surpassed Walmart stock on the Standards and Poor 500 facebook-walmartindex. We’ll admit, we don’t spend a lot of time watching the stock market. In fact, zero minutes is the time that comes to mind. We leave that to people who enjoy watching paint dry. Granted the market directly effects our jobs and our savings, but it’s so booooooring. If the people at stock exchange got themselves a fuzzy mascot we can pretty much guarantee that our interest would skyrocket. All that being said, even with our limited knowledge, the Walmart/Facebook connection makes a ton of sense. You’ve seen those “People Who rheaShop at Walmart” websites and you’ve certainly seen how people dress on Facebook. Clearly we’re talking about a lot of the same audience.

2. Holy flapping birds, Batman! The people of the English countryside are being terrorized again. It wasn’t that long ago that we told you about a “lion” roaming around over there. Now they’re freaking out about a “Giant Rhea Bird”. If you don’t know what a rhea is – just think ostrich–so BIG bird. The residents of Nottinghamshire are being instructed not to approach the bird because it poses a very real threat to the public. At six-feet-tall it can disembowel an adult with one swipe of it’s talons. Don’t think you can run either. These things can run up to 40 miles an hour. Even worse, they’re described as “quite stealthy”. So basically we’re talking about a velociraptor here. The animal escaped from a private collection. Why anyone would have a private collection of evolved dinosaurs, we don’t know. Stay in your houses people.

He looks reasonable

He looks reasonable

3. This can’t be healthy for the amphibian. Your first instinct when hearing this story is to assume it happened in Florida. That’s where all this weird nonsense usually goes on, but no. This time we’re visiting LaPorte, Indiana. Of course we’re talking about an arrest. Our refined and sophisticated perpetrator was charged with trespassing. That in and of itself is not so interesting. Here comes the good part. He was trespassing on the property of a bar. When the police took him away it was because he was dancing in the parking lot while licking toads. Two of them. Not at the same time, because that would be ridiculous. No, he licked first one toad and then found himself a second unwitting participant. Apparently the employees and patrons of JJ’s Sideout Bar and Grill found this disturbing. However, according to the article, the reason he was thrown out of the bar in the first place was because he was unable to show identification. We’re certain bearhis behavior in the bar up to this point was exemplary. The police state that he possessed a “blank look on his face but no pupil dilation to suggest he was under the influence of any drugs.” We assume that’s why he was licking the toad in the first place. We’ll also bet this was the best night in that bar in forever.

4.It’s a good thing ankles aren’t tasty. So a gentlemen in Aspen, Colorado made the perfectly innocent decision to take a quick nap on his backyard deck. The neighbor’s dog wandered over and gave his toes a little lick. Mr. Rizzuto reached down and gave the doggy a scratch and said, “Nice doggy.” Only the “doggy” wasn’t the German Shepherd he thought it was. In fact, it was a bear. Mr. Rizzuto, as you can imagine, was shocked. We suspect the bear was also a bit surprised to have been found out. Mr. Bear took Mr. Rizzuto’s ankle in his mouth, but didn’t break the skin. They stared at each other for a heart beat and then the bear wandered away. Mr. Rizzuto took the opportunity to get his ass in the house. The Parks and Wildlife official made a point of telling the good citizens of Colorado that they probably shouldn’t pet the bears–even if they’re currently licking your foot. For some reason, the Sisters feel like this statement is directedCanada toward us. We can honestly say that we’d probably pet that bear. Think of how epic that blog would be!

5. Oh, Canada! Do you recognize that map? We gave you a big hint. We’ll be honest, we didn’t when it was presented to us with no helpful hints. We recognize the hell out of Canada when Minnesota is represented there on the bottom to give us a frame of reference. John Oliver described it as, “…basically five hockey rinks surrounded by bears.” John Oliver is always putting maps on the screen and telling us they are one country when they’re actually another.  It’s very funny even if it makes you realize how dumb you are.  The Sisters can always recognize China because Panda’s live there and we’ve got that country memorized.

I’ll bet they peep!

There is a window in my office that looks out into the desert. Under the window there are several creosote bushes. quail family 2Underneath the creosote bushes lives a family of quail.

The girls and I from the office have been watching the Momma Quail with her eggs. Daddy Quail does a lot of patrolling the area.

Today there were wee, tiny quail bobbing around. Oh my god! They are so cute. Itty bitty brown-striped fluff balls skittering around in the dirt.

At one point today, Momma and Daddy managed to get them all in a little line like quail are supposed to.

Completely and unabashedly adorable.

I wonder how many of them I can get in my pocket if I wear cargo pants tomorrow.

quail family

Too many legs! Too many legs!

You may have seen the incident on Facebook. I came off badly. Here is the post. Read it from the perspective of someone with a pathological fear of spiders.

facebook spiders

I don’t care what size the spider is. I don’t care what brand it is. Long legs, short legs, hairy or bald. No. No. No. Don’t tell me any of  your “spiders kill the bad insects”.

Spiders ARE the bad insects!

I also don’t want to hear your hooey about spiders not being insects. Certainly we can agree that they’re bugs.

Awful horrible bugs.

And now I won’t be able to sleep tonight. Thanks Mom. I hope you don’t die.

It would be really helpful if he would do something on video

Do you remember that cat last year who whooped some dog ass when a scary dog attacked a four-year-old boy? Tara was her name and she was an internet sensation.

Isn’t that shocking? A cat being an internet sensation? It’s true. Sometimes it happens. Especially when the cat is a total bad ass.

Anyway, this cat won the 33rd Annual Hero Dog Award. There is no irony in that statement.

You know what Jojo Kitty did today? Nothing.

Still he was unbelievably good at it.


And…now I want a dinosaur

We went to see Jurassic World this weekend and the expected happened.

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