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February 27

5-things12Amylynn spent a very long, exhausting day traveling from Dallas to Tucson. There was snow and ice and apparently that makes the people of Texas lose their ever loving minds. It took two and a half hours to drive just over twelve miles. Huge sections of the freeway were closed all together. The parts that were still open was often at a stand still. Then the airport was a complete zoo. Still, her flight was one of the last ones that got out of Dallas before they were shut down. Even then, she sat in the airplane on the tarmac for another two hours before we even got in the air. Surprisingly, most people were in a decent mood considering how awful the day was. Amy sat next to an old guy who told her everything there was to know about de-icing planes. Normally, this would annoy the hell out of her, but he was actually pretty cute in an adorably ancient sort of way. She read and

Run llama, run!

Run llama, run!

entire book in the four hours she sat there. Plus, there were coyotes on the tarmac which was weird. Nevertheless, she’s thrilled to be back in the nice warm desert – where the normal coyotes live. With plenty of time to read the newspapers in the airport, we found lots to report.

1. Animals being free. The nation was apparently captivated when two llamas got loose in Sun City, AZ. We can assure you we’d have been captivated, too. We love llamas. You’d love llamas, too, if you could catch one. That’s the thing about llamas – can’t catch ‘em. Who knew that llamas would be so adorable while on a freedom run? During the same week, the citizens in Tilton, New Hampshire were made aware of two horses on a freedom run. Stanly and Aramis got out of their burning manenclosure by hiking over snow banks and over a fence. By the way, we strongly approve of naming a horse after a Musketeer. The owners were notified by telephone that their horses were across the street, frolicking in the parking lot. Once again, the Sisters were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

2. A million dollar ticket to stink. Heard of Burning Man? It’s a delirious festival that happens in the middle of the Nevada desert wherein thousands of people don’t shower for days on end and take a bunch of drugs while setting giant effigies on fire. Or something like that. Anyway, scalpers are selling tickets to it for a million dollars on Stub Hub. We have concerns. If you really must attend this thing, why don’t you just wander in out of the desert? It seems to us deerthat if you really, really want to hang around with a bunch of stinky people there are a lot of cheaper ways to do it.

3. Utah needs some excitement. One of the most delightful things about staying in hotels is that they always give you a free copy of USA Today. That’s the only time we ever read it. It’s got this great section where they list a story from every single state. This is the entire article from the Utah section: During a recent family outing, Kaitlyn Elder, 13, spotted a white deer, the Salt Lake plane foodTribune reported. That’s it. Seriously. Is the spotting of a white deer in Utah similar to spotting a white buffalo? Or a unicorn? What the hell is that all about? Oh, we get it. Kaitlyn Elder was blind and suddenly regained her sight and everyone in Utah knew the shorthand for this story. That’s our working theory.

4. Bringing your own snacks. The airlines don’t feed you any more. Actually, that’s not true. They’ll happily sell you a crappy bagel and a wee red delicious apple for $36. That means people have been bringing their own snacks on board. You know, like sandwiches or cookies. Or like the guy who sat in 13E who ate his fingernails for the entire american airliensflight. It was captivating in a completely disgusting sort of way. But then again, he got all kinds of extra protein from his snack and probably has the highest immunity of anyone on the plane since he ingested all those traveling germs.

5. Boarding agents with a sense of humor. These people have to deal with a lot of nasty customers. Not Amylynn of course. She was perfectly lovely to everyone – for a change. The gate agent in Dallas was delightfully charming while he tried to convince everyone to put down their pitchforks cause it’s impossible to kill Mother Nature. Or God. Or whatever god is in charge of ice storms. There at the end the American Airlines guy pleaded for everyone to get on the plane as quickly as possible because if they could pull the plane away from the gate with us on it, we had a good chance of getting out of there. Since that’s what we all wanted – desperately – we got the hell on the plane. And it worked. We were one of the last ones out. Thank you anonymous but cheerful gate dude!

Some days are clearly more important than others

Friday, February 27th is National Polar Bear Day. You know what to do. Polar Bears

 

 

Whining in Texas

I’m languishing in Texas. Maybe that sounds melodramatic, but I fear it’s so. Are you confused? Here’s the definition in case you’re not sure what I mean.

 

lan·guish
ˈlaNGɡwiSH/
verb
1. (of a person or other living thing) lose or lack vitality; grow weak or feeble
2.suffer from being forced to remain in an unpleasant place or situation.
I will tell you I have a glorious hotel room. It’s a two bedroom suite with a fully stocked kitchen – not that I’m cooking, but I did buy some snacks. There are two complete bathrooms, 3 televisions, and walk-in closets. The hotel has a great breakfast in the morning and a great lunch/dinner menu. The first night I had a fab-o grilled cheese and tonight nachos. Some of the other people who are here with me were put in a different hotel with dinky rooms and not even a dresser to put their clothes. Compound that with my sports car vs their Chevy Cruz and I feel like I’ve been living under a good star or something.
Except that for the first two days when the weather was so awful and I was terrified to drive the Mustang on the ice, it’s been awesome. Dave Durango is going to feel very pedestrian when I get home.
Here are some impressions I have of my trip and of Dallas, having never been here before:

Isn't this a gorgeous color?

Isn’t this a gorgeous color?

1. Their weather is wackaloon. Apparently, it was 80 degrees and 29 degrees in the same week. What the hell is that all about?
2. Private Selection Huckleberry Pie ice cream totally rocks. It was a leap of faith when I bought it because usually I go right for the chocolate.
3. I need a new iPhone. The battery in my current phone is pathetic. It doesn’t hold a charge AT ALL anymore. Dear Apple people – send me a new iPhone 6 and I’ll expound on the gloriousness of it on my very influential blog.
4. The new Mustang has way, way too many things happening on the dashboard. It totally freaks me out. It would easily take months to get used to all that stuff. Hey, Ford people –  I’m willing to try. Send me a Mustang and I’ll babble about its magnificence on my prestigious blog.
5. Weather men are morons everywhere.
6. I miss my people. My Honey sent me videos of him rubbing my cat’s belly. Honestly, it just made it worse.
7. I’m not getting any writing done. I’m a slacker, and I’m appalled at myself.
8. I have slept alone in my king-sized bed at a diagonal and with nearly every pillow in Texas every single night BECAUSE I CAN!
9. I live in terror of the dire warnings regarding the weather and pending snow/ice storm expected on Friday, the day I leave. If I get stuck at the airport it will be bad for Texas as a whole. I keep reminding myself about #5.
OK. I’m going to load my neck and shoulder up with BenGay patches again because I’m old and my bones are like misaligned Legos.

Brrrr, Vrooom, and Ahhhhhhhh!

I made it into Texas, which was a miracle since apparently they were hardly letting anyone in. I’m certain they’ll come to regret it. Primarily because I’ve been complaining about the weather to any Texans who will listen. Maserati

So the Avis lady commiserated with me. She’s my favorite Texan so far. I almost got her talked into upgrading me to the Maserati Ghilbli they were promoting at the counter. You know I worked the hell out of that negotiation. Turns out instead she gave me a red 2016 Mustang with 900 miles on

Note all the ice on the car AFTER I drove it.

Note all the ice on the car AFTER I drove it.

it. It would have totally rocked if the streets in Dallas hadn’t scared the hell out of me. This coming from someone who’s driven over 200 miles per hour on Homestead Raceway in Florida.

Every time I put my foot on the gas I spun out. Ice everywhere. This from a desert girl who has NEVER driven on ice before. I am in a car that made The Bandit so excited he nearly peed himself, and I’m too afraid to go over 40 miles per hour on the freeway.

To be fair, me and everyone else.

If I don’t break my leg slipping around on all this ice while I’m here it’ll be a miracle.

Jojo Kitty despises my suitcase

As part of the new day job, I have to go to Dallas this week. I am not excited. So much so, My Honey is tired of hearing about it already. Ava tried to forbid me from going, but sadly she must be ignored.

In theory, I could get a ton of writing done. I have a new project starting right now. My evenings are my own so that’s a possibility.

I could also go see some movies. I’m dying to see Birdman, especially now that it just won all those Oscars. And The Dallas SkylineTheory of Everything. And Whiplash. And American Sniper. It seems I don’t get out much.

I also have so much reading I’d like to do.

Sadly, none of these things ever seem to happen on work trips. I checked to see if the Dallas Stars were playing hockey at home this week, but no. Not until Friday – the day I come home. Not even an AHL game. Sigh.

At the very least, the 5 Things this week should be interesting.

Also, I’m missing My Honey’s birthday. I hate that. I love birthdays – even when they’re not mine.

I tried to make a cake for him today. I misspoke. I actually made a cake, it just took longer because I had to go to the store again. I left a pound of butter for the buttercream frosting on the counter to soften. I forgot about it and Roscoe the Idiot Dog let his nose get him in trouble again.

Around 3am he was walking around the house whining. He does this when he’s stolen food and he’s either feeling guilty about it or can’t figure out where to hide it. It’s like he’s begging to be caught. I got out of bed and removed an entire stick of butter from his mouth. Honestly, he seemed relieved. I couldn’t locate the other three sticks however and eventually gave up and went back to bed.

I awoke to piles of vomit around the house, all containing butter wrappers.

Like The Bandit noted, dog puke and butter is the worst possible combination. Roscoe has been feeling poorly ever since. I’d like to say I feel sorry for him, but he got what he deserved if you ask me.

 

February 20

5-things12Good news! The Sisters are getting the band back together. Ever since the layoff at BofNF we’ve worked at separate day jobs. (Correction – Ava worked, Amy got a free vacation.) Things did not go well. All we can say is thank the residents of Olympus that we’re not charged per text because the sheer volume of texts has been astounding. We don’t like being apart. It doesn’t go well for anyone. It’s not like we’re childish or anything, but we’re totally childish. We want – nay, need – to be together all the time so that other people aren’t subjected to our craziness. So starting in March, we’re back together in the same office. Let the rejoicing begin. As soon as feasible we’ll be getting the Worlds Greatest Receptionist over here too and the rest of the gang. We’re so excited we can’t even

We are wholly unimpressed with this watch

We are wholly unimpressed with this watch

tell you. You should be excited, too. The stories get better when we’re together. Here’s some more funny stuff for you to ponder.

1. Our jigsaw puzzles weren’t worth squat. When we all worked at the other office of BofNF, we went to the Goodwill all the time to get jigsaw puzzles. While we were there we never saw anything of any real value. Apparently, we’ve been in the wrong Goodwill Stores. A watch collector in Phoenix was wandering around one of the stores and happened upon a rare Swiss watch on sale for $5.99. He sold it to a collector for $35,000.  That crap never happens to us. The watch in question was a 1959 Jaeger-LeCoultre diving watch. The Goodwill would like it pointed out that this

Uhhhh...not what we were expecting

Uhhhh…not what we were expecting

proves there are great deals to be had at their stores. Of course not this good, but we liked our $2 puzzles.

2. This kind of thing always seems to happen in New Jersey. We’re just sayin’, maybe the people of NJ should take a good hard look at themselves. A rabbi in Lakewood has been arrested for running a kidnapping ring wherein a Jewish woman who found herself in want of a divorce from an unwilling husband could have the rabbi and his cohoorts snatch the guy and “persuade” him to grant her a Jewish divorce called a “get”. The tactics involved martial-arts type beatings, handcuffs, and cattle prods. When asked about this torture, the rabbi told the undercover cops, “If [the cattle prod] can get a bull that weighs 5 tons to move, you put it in certain parts of his body and in one minute the guy

These bangs alone are a crime worth jail time for

These bangs alone are a crime worth jail time for

will know.” JEEZ! So for $50,000 you can have your soon to be ex tortured into submission. The Sisters can think of other people we’d offer up, but we’ve never been this angry at an ex. Nevertheless, we encourage the men of NJ to give their wives whatever they want.

3. On Ice, Ice Baby. Robert Van Winkle, known to children of the ’90’s as Vanilla Ice, has been arrested and accused of burglary and grand theft. He’s been doing “The Vanilla Ice Project” for the DIY Network where he does home rehabs. It seems he was renovating a home next door to an abandoned foreclosure in Florida when the empty house was ransacked. Apparently a bunch of the missing items were found at his work site. So now he sits in jail. Ava is duly upset. She has some bizarre fascination with this guy that Amylynn doesn’t pretend to understand. She wants to cake popsmake a cake with a file in it to deliver to the jail. Amylynn is pretty sure we can find a better use for a cake. (I like the Vanilla Ice Project. It’s a good house flipping show no matter what Amy says. Don’t listen to her,)

4. Happiness. Look how much happiness can be found for $3.21 at Starbucks. It’s crazy how little one has to look in order to be blissful. A nice Venti latte, breve, no foam and a chocolate cake pop makes the Sisters gloriously happy. It’s kind of sad how easy

We hope we don't win. We don't want to ride bicycles.

We hope we don’t win. We don’t want to ride bicycles.

we are. We’re not saying we won’t take a box from Tiffany, but if your budget is tight, we’re happy with cake pops.

5.The end of the HGTV Dream House contest. Seems a little backwards to be happy about this but we are. Every year the Sisters vow to enter every single day you can in hopes of winning the house. This year, the total prize package is worth over 2 million dollars. Why are we happy the entry period is over? Because the stress of making sure you enter every single day is too much. You can actually enter twice a day which caused even more stress. Somehow, the Sisters convinced themselves if they didn’t enter every day of the contest period they couldn’t win. Which is ridiculous because that would be cheating on the part of contest organizers. But there you have. We entered every day so you’re all invited to Martha’s Vineyard. See you there!

The punch line takes a while, but it’s a good ride

I was tired and crabby when I went to bed last night. It wasn’t really very late, but I was exhausted anyway. I grimaced as I walked down the hall because I could hear My Honey snoring the paint off the walls. My husband is a snorer of Olympic proportions. He’s legendary. Does he listen to his wife about going to the doctor? No, no he does not. And don’t any of you helpful internet people give me any bullshit suggestions like putting those ridiculous strips on his nose. Did that. Effing useless. It doesn’t matter what position he’s in either. He snores in every position. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Even when I’m covering his face with a pillow.

I kid. I’ve not done that and I’m not going to admit it on this blog if I’d even considered it. Not with the FBI trolling here all the time because of a few cavalier comments made about panda bears. Bla bla bla national security my ass.

ANYWAY.

There are only a few options available to me if he’s in bed snoring away before I get there.

Option 1. Time it perfectly to climb into bed the very instant he hits one of those brief stages of sleep where his

snoring is severely diminished.

Option 2. Shove earbuds in my ears and go to sleep with my iPod playing loud music. I can sleep with this. I can not sleep with snoring. I’ve been known to sleep with Rob Thomas – with or without Matchbox Twenty. Also, the Irish punk band Dropkick Murphys. I know. You’re thinking that’s insane that I can sleep with that nonsense going on but not snoring. Punk music rarely makes me feel murderous. Fill in your own blanks.

The worse possible scenario is when he has rolled onto his side facing my side of the bed. At that point, I’d have a better chance of sleeping with a platoon of Marines marching over the bed. That leads me to Option 3.

snoringOption 3. Poke and kick my beloved hoping he’ll turn over until he wakes up and gets mad. At that point, I pretend to be asleep and have no idea what he’s talking about when he wakes up all indignant. That’s what he gets.

Option 3 was what I faced last night.

I poked him excessively. When he woke up – very annoyed (imagine my expression) – I told him to roll over.

“I can’t,” he said. “I hurt my shoulder and can’t sleep on that side.” Then he promptly returned to snoring. In my face.

Even the dogs have been known to leave at this point.

I tried. I really did. I turned on The Foo Fighters and begged Dave Grohl to lull me into senselessness. It wasn’t happening so I snatched up my pillow in a huff and stomped off to my martyr bed – the miserable couch.

This evening I kissed him goodnight. “If you know what’s good for you, you won’t snore like that again tonight.”

“I’m sorry, honey.” He looked like he meant it, too. “But I really hurt my shoulder; I could hardly move my arm all day. Wanna hear how I did it?”

I rolled my eyes. “Was it in the service of doing something for me? No? Then I don’t care.”

He smiled. “No, you want to hear this.”

I huffed a heavy breath, shoved my hand on my hip and said, “Fine. Tell me.”

His grin grew wider. “I sneezed really hard.”

Holy shit we’re old.

 

The plans are coming together

This is the most important picture I have ever seen in my entire life. Seriously. It changes everything.

panda on plane

The struggle is real

You’ve done this. Don’t act like you haven’t. The Sisters spent most of the ’80’s trying to get jeans on that were way too tight.

Obviously, this isn’t going to work out

I wonder if other people in offices have the bizarre experiences that I do. Honestly, it’s like the universe likes to mess with me.

Late in the afternoon on Friday, I was sitting at my desk and I thought I saw something flutter by my office. I swear at first I thought it was a giant moth. Then I decided that was crazy and it must have been a reflection from the window. A bird must have soared by and it reflected off the grass. Everything was fine. No giant moths. That’s ridiculous.

Then the guy in the next office literally ran past, screaming – yes, screaming, “There’s a bat in the office! There’s a bat in the office!” Sort of like Paul Revere as written by Bran Stoker.

Wait? What? I followed him down the hall only to see the black thing flit into another office up front.bat

Our receptionist declared that she’d caught the last one and this time it was someone else’s turn. She shoved the guy into the office with a garbage can and a section  of newspaper then slammed the door behind him. I listened with eyes wide to the thumps and knocks from the other side of the door. Then he burst back out yelling, “I don’t get paid enough for this!”

I agreed whole heartedly. The three of us decided none of us did. We called the building manager, but they said they couldn’t send anyone until Monday. We hung a sign on the door, “BAT INSIDE ~ DO NOT OPEN!”

It seems this is the fifth bat that has somehow gotten in. We’re on the second floor and the windows don’t open – I assume it’s because they’re certain we’d use them to leap out and take our chances – so it didn’t come in that way. There are two exterior doors, but they’re never open because you must have a keycard to get in. None of the exterminators hired can figure it out.

I immediately texted Ava.

bat2Me: There’s a f****** bat in the office! I can’t work like this!”

Ava: A bat? A real bat?

Me: YES!

Ava: Do we want a bat pet?

Me: No! Gross

Ava: We’d be the only girls with a bat pet.

Me: That is not what I want on my tombstone.

Seriously, if I’m going to get rabies it’s going to be from a bobcat like a normal person.

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