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October 21

5-things12We’re sitting in our new office. It’s our favorite café. We’re not going to be able to afford this for very long. It’s a shame really, since the life of leisure really fits our temperament. Also, it’s possible that we’re freaking out a little bit. Or a lot. Honestly we don’t know what we’re feeling. Essentially, we’re really confused. But at least we’re not angry or hungry. We think. Oh hell, we don’t know. Maybe we’re angry. Maybe we’re just waiting for the right moment to explode. Downtrodden. That’s what we are. So we’re trying to laugh at funny stuff. Here, see what you frog juicethink. 1. Frog juice. Here’s something that we’re not willing to try. Apparently zillions of Peruvians swear by it. (Apparently, Peru breeds crazies like no body’s business.) Here’s the deal – the barista grabs a frog from an aquarium, whacks it’s head on the counter top until it’s dead (can you say PETA?), throws it in a blender with carrots, maca root, and honey and you drink it. Yea, right. By the way, there is no scientific evidence this helps with anemia, bronchitis, fatigue, etc that it’s reported to be good for. Amylynn thanks the gods bobit doesn’t help with weight loss because she always caves when Ava is on to new fat cure. 2. It’s for medicinal purposes. Some people in Washington state and the heirs of Bob Marley have come to terms on a deal to grow and sell pot inspired by the reggae singer. They also plan weed-infused lotions, creams, and various accessories. We find this super interesting. One of our schemes for making money after the layoff was growing pot in a warehouse we have access to. We feel that we could be a certified grower. We also like lotion.  Do you all see how we’re the people for you? Who else likes money AND lotion? Well, maybe lots of mansonpeople, but none of them ALSO like various accessories. 3. The Bride of Frankenstein. Oh, dear. This story turned our hair more gray than it already is. It seems Charles Manson is set to marry. Charles Manson and marriage – there’s some words we bet you never thought you’d see in one sentence. The happy couple met when the girl was 16. At first we thought – Where the hell are her people? But then we thought – Where the hell are his people? Where the hell are anyone’s people to stop this nonsense? They will never have conjugal visits so we don’t know what the point is for either

Perhaps you just stay drunk?

Perhaps you just stay drunk?

them. Thank god, cause ICK! Not only is it Charles Manson but he’s 80-years old. **Shiver** We smell a book deal in here somewhere. Gives a whole new meaning to Helter Skelter. 4. Thank Zeus we live in the desert. We watch with horrified fascination the news reports about the snow in Buffalo, NY. Our mouths hang open at the pictures of people opening their front doors to a wall of snow. Or the snow actually caving in their windows and doors. One of our favorites shows a path carved out of the snow with a direct line to the convenience store. We certainly hope these people have enough reading material to WentworthFronttide them over. That’s a recipe for tragedy right there: The Sisters trapped ANYWHERE with no reading material. Bad news bears. 5. We’re moving. We found out the house that inspired Jane Austen to write Pride and Prejudice, and the one she modeled Pemberley after, has gone up for sale for $11 million dollars. It has at least 365 rooms and five miles of corridors. It’s so vast the story goes that guests were given confetti to mark the path from their bedroom to the dining room so they could find their way back. $11 million sounds like a steal, yeah? Apparently, there are also about $41 million in repairs. Our husbands are handy so we think we could drastically reduce that amount down to a manageable figure. Say $38 million, or so. We figure if things get too loud with the workers, we’d just get lost in the house for a week or so.

So now what?

Today was our first day of unemployment. So what the hell are we to do with ourselves? All alone? Without a posse?

I got up and took a shower like every other day. Everyone was thankful. Then Ava and I had the following exchange

text

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes, operating under delusions can be helpful.

Then I took the kids to school and did a few errands. Starbucks was next. I drank two cups of coffee and wrote 5 pages on my current work in progress. During that time, I lamented to Ava that writing historicals can be very frustrating. I spent a great deal of time trying to find out some specific information about a steamship that is impossible to locate. I’m going to end up making these “facts” up and that freaks me out.

So I took a nap.

What I should have been doing is this.

my desk Somewhere under this disaster is my home desk. This is where everything in the house goes to die. When I cleared out my office at Bank of No Forks all the boxes and bags ended up here as well.

I’ll get to it this weekend.

Or next week.

Maybe.

It would totally work with puppies, too

Are you stressed out? Seems that everyone is. The doctors prescribe the following therapy. Unless you’re like the Sister’s brother and you’re entire head would swell up because you’re so allergic. That’s a tragedy. Not the head swelling, the allergy. Although, we suppose having a medically swollen head would seriously suck. We can’t imagine not being able to enjoy something like this.

Two Sisters and a Hand Cart

We had no idea the man power involved in moving out of our office after five years. We needed thirteen boxes, eighty-two trips to the car, and a nap. Unbelievably, we had a giant panda, a camel, and a hot tub. The hot tub was really a large coffee mug.

The whole experience has been sad. SAD. It’s hard to find people you like to work with and damn near inconceivable to find people you LOVE working with butlaid off that’s what we had. See – SAD.

The search is on for new employment for seven folks. Don’t you want to be a fly on the wall for that interview?

Interviewer: What would you say your best characteristic is?

Us: Togetherness!

Interviewer: Do you have transportation?

Us: Yes, there are seven of us, we take the bus!

Interviewer: Do you take direction well?

Us: Well . . . not from you but we will consider it from each other.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?

Us: Yes, what time is breakfast and second breakfast? Where do we meet to puzzle? Where is the TV? And who pays for the Netflix subscription?

 

My refrigerator was running and I had Prince Albert in a can

On Saturday the kids and I were watching Ferris Bueller on Netflix while My Honey was recording in his home studio. My kids thought Ferris was just as brilliant as we all did when we were young. I warned them that they needn’t try any of that nonsense with me since I was hip to all the teenage shenanigans.

Then my cell phone rang. NO CALLER ID. Hmmm, I thought. Weird.

“Hello?”prince albert

“Did you order orange chicken?” It was a kid’s voice with a really bad accent.

I sighed and hung up.

It rang again almost immediately. NO CALLER ID.

“Yeah?” I said.

“We here with your orange chicken.” Same voice. Same atrocious accent.

I hung up. I told Sassy some of her friends were calling.

Third time. Ring. NO CALLER ID.

refrigeratorThe kid voice yelled this time. “Your orange chicken is so cold!”

“Ok, I’m done now.” I told the voice and hung up.

Almost immediately the phone rang again. This time, it had a phone number. Sassy answered thinking she could see which of her friends was harassing us.

Turns out it was my nephew. He was spending the weekend with friends and they wanted to try crank calling people. He called the last time to make sure I wasn’t mad. How could I be mad? Think of all the horrible things thirteen-year-old boys could be doing on a Saturday night instead of crank calling their aunt.

I hope I get crank calls for many years to come.

He can still sing all the words to We Will Rock You by Queen

The Bandit is nine-years-old. His primary interests these days are tattling on his sister and swearing. Technically, he’s not allowed to swear, but he’s very interested in pushing the envelope. He was very excited when he was authorized use of the word “hell” when referring to the television show Hell’s Kitchen. Also, when the word “crap” was permitted.

There is a serious double standard going on at the Bright house about cursing. He and his sister are not allowed to do it, but their father and I are experts.

I inform them all the time that life isn’t fair and they should get used to it.eminem

The boy and I were watching the Concert for Valor on HBO and Eminem came on. He strutted around and did his thing. I’ll admit that many times I have no idea what the hell he’s rapping about. His lyrics are indistinct, muffled, mumbling, and slurred. All except for the swear words.

A crystal clear “fucker” wafted across the living room to the beat of rap music.

I looked at the boy. The boy looked at me. His eyebrows rose as if to say, “Hey, listen to that. I feel that word should be permissible since it’s in a song. If I learn the words to that song, I can sing it, right?”

I shook my head in the negative. His eyebrows went back down. No words were spoken. He didn’t even fight with me about it since he knew that was a long shot. Still, I wouldn’t have respected him if he hadn’t given it a shot.

And the negotiations continue.

November 14

5-things12We’d like to announce the end of an era. Drum roll, please. It’s official – we will be laid off after five years of slavitude at Bank of No Forks. We have to admit, we wont miss the job, but we will miss the paycheck and insurance. And our camaraderie. Oh dear God, we’re never going to stop moping over this. You know how people who are stressed out eat a lot? We’re eating all the food. All the food by Wednesday. It’s hard to swallow white cake with white frosting and cat townsob at the same time. Things get very messy very quickly. Fortunately, we’re still laughing. Here you laugh, too, and we’ll all feel better.

1. An employment idea. The Sisters are definitely being laid off. As of next week we will be completely unsupervised. Yes, you should be afraid. We’ve been trying to figure out what to do with ourselves. There was a article in the newspaper that gave us pause. Oakland, California has the first “permanent feline-friendly coffee shop” called Cat Town Café and Adoption. What this means is that you can drink your expensive espresso and pet a kitty. Who doesn’t want to pet a kitty? They’re man in wallwrong. Kitties rock. A little cat hair never hurt anyone. I’d like a double shot mochaccino and a calico please.

2. Another example of the AP missing the boat. In Longmont, Colorado the fire department had to rescue a man trapped between two walls in a Marshalls department store. The employees had been hearing random yelling for several days but couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. They had to use a saw to cut a big enough hole in the side of the building to get him out. You already have a question, don’t you? We’ll bet you want to know what the hell he was doing between two walls in a store. You’re never going to find out because the

Apparently, this is unsafe in Alaska.

Apparently, this is unsafe in Alaska.

AP reporter didn’t figure that was important information for the general public. Honest to Zeus, reading the newspaper is so frustrating.

3. Going commando? Kodiak, Alaska is having a rash of underwear theft. Someone is breaking into homes and stealing “mostly women’s underwear”. We really like the “mostly” comment. It causes all kinds of speculation. Has any men’s underwear been stolen? Children? Are any other articles of clothing going missing? Bras too or just underwear? Would a slip or spanx be considered underwear? Where does the thief draw the line? Is this a solid line or a wavy one? Maybe a dashed line? Who do the authorities consider a suspect? Would a bear be on

Seriously, that's a tiger

Seriously, that’s a tiger

the list? Bears are sneaky, just sayin’. Troopers refuse to release details since it’s an ongoing investigation. Sadly, this just leaves us with more questions than answers.

4. The Sisters were never in Paris. EuroDisney, the operators of Disneyland Paris, are making it very, very clear that there are no tigers in their theme parks. Why? you ask. Because there is a very strong rumor that a young tiger is on the prowl near the park. The Parc des Felins, a wild cat animal park insists that none of their cats is missing.  The authorities are beginning to doubt whether there really is a tiger on the loose since it hasn’t been found. Here’s the deal, though, there’s a picture of the animal (And now a video – go here to see jordan leaningit). Our eyebrows are very high as we prepare to call shenanigans on that nonsense. Let it be known, we’d like a tiger. We’re checking into flights now. We’ve already packed our tiger nabbing kits.

5. Boy can he lean. As you all know, Jared Leto movies were taken out of rotation at the office. However, Ava, crafty woman that she is, insisted “My So Called Life” a TELEVISION show was allowed because it’s NOT a movie. The main character loves Jordan Catalano, as played by a young Jared Leto, due to his epic ability to “lean”. And boy can Jared Leto lean. See here for yourself.

My boy went with moron

One of the hazards of living in the desert is that most of the plants are very pokey. Or stabby. Things which look soft definitely are NOT. You just learn to deal with it. Don’t touch the plants, that’s my motto.

Somehow this year our front yard went to hell. Literally. There are a million, A MILLION, goathead stickers out there. They attach themselves to your shoes,

Look at these evil bastards

Look at these evil bastards

your clothes, your aura. They’ve made it into our house. We’ve pulled a zillion thorns from our feet. There have been a couple of times when I thought the only recourse was amputation of a foot.

I am of the opinion that we need to set fire to the front yard.

I set this scene for you so you can see how stupid I was this past weekend.

I went out to fetch the newspaper Sunday morning. In my pajamas. With no shoes. I went out on the walk way and stared at the paper. It was in the yard approximately two steps away from the concrete. I pondered. I debated.

Then I went for it. I figured if I went slowly…

The first step was alright. It was the second step where things went horribly wrong. Imagine me out in the front yard, in my Mickey Mouse jammies, standing on one foot like the Karate Kid in the flamingo pose. I can’t go forward. I can’t go back. I lifted that second foot and saw at least 45 goatheads stuck in my skin. I brushed them off but when I looked at the ground to decide where to place my foot, I saw no clean space. My first foot was in the only clear place in an

Not ocean. Picture thorns

Not ocean. Picture thorns

ocean of stickers. It was a total fluke.

It was like I was surrounded by sharks. Evil, sharp sharks. I had nowhere to go. I didn’t have my phone to call for assistance to Prince Charming on a white steed to swoop me up. Or bring me shoes.

I considered I could simply die there, standing on one foot while I slowly dehydrated. At least I’d have the newspaper to read.

OR I could improvise.

That’s what I did. I executed a yoga move that would have gotten me a 10 by Olympic judges if yoga was an Olympic sport. Balancing on one foot I bent down to grab the newspaper, my other foot lifted toward the sky. I opened the newspaper and laid the sections down using them as toadstools. Remember that game we all played as kids where you had to walk on top of the furniture because the floor was lava? Substitute awful freaking stickers for lava. Stickers are way worse.

I picked up the paper as I moved off each piece and bundled them back up as I went.

I figured I was either a complete moron or a total genius.

The neighbor who clapped probably would have sided for genius.

 

 

 

Imagine how much worse it would be if they had thumbs

I kept yelling at my kids to leave me the hell alone while I’m in the bathroom. It was ridiculous, all that banging and commotion on the other side of the door.

Then I realized it was Jojo Kitty. Therefore, I love this video.

I really hope the guy finally managed to get to a bathroom.

I had Monday off from work. No one else in my family did, so I had the day to myself. I immediately went to my favorite café for breakfast and writing.

I get so much work done there or at Starbucks. Even though the people watching is fabulous, I don’t get nearly as distracted as I do at home.

He looked just like this one.

He looked just like this one.

Speaking of people watching, I need to tell you about one guy I saw.

A man came in for a late breakfast with his seeing-eye dog. It wasn’t wearing the blue vest that designated it as such, but it was wearing the big-ass leather halter and leash. Also, the guy was clearly blind. He wasn’t wearing anything so obvious as black sunglasses, nevertheless it was obvious by looking at him that he couldn’t see.

I bring all this up because of the seeing-eye dog. I didn’t catch his name, but he was a beautiful shepherd.

He was also a bit of a maniac. He had no intention of taking this blind guy where the guy wanted to go. He had another agenda all together. If I hadn’t known for certain the man was blind, I would have sworn he was faking so he could bring his dog into the restaurant with him. That’s how bad this was. Maybe it was this dog’s second career. His first one being something totally unrelated like flower delivery or something. He walked this guy into chairs and kept steering him toward the door back into the restaurant when the guy was trying to leave. The oddest thing had to be that the dog flat-out refused to take the man to the bathroom. Super sensitive nose, maybe? I don’t know. All of this the dog did with a very concerned look on his face.

It was everything I could do to control myself from cackling out loud. It’s just further proof that I’m not a good person. I didn’t want to intervene. Clearly he and his dog need to  come to peace with each other, but I was relieved to finally see there was another person with him who managed to get them both out of the restaurant and I assume home.

Ava and I have considered faking a seeing-eye dog before. I’m going to make certain we fake it better than these two who clearly weren’t faking.

 

 

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