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Off to San Antonio

We left right on schedule this morning and hit the highway at 5:30 am.

Holy crap, that’s early.

We were quite disappointed that there was no sign that said, “Welcome to New Mexico.” It was like they didn’t want us to know or something. But really, if you blink, you’ll miss it and you’re in Texas.

We drove through Texas for like 72 hours. There was nothing to look at for at least 57 of those hours.

We kept our eyes peeled for an armadillo, but there was no sign of any. We’re pretty sure they heard we were coming and they rounded up all the armadillos for their own protection. It was like they vanished.

There were a thousand signs advertising leaping deer, but we didn’t see any of them either. Well, maybe one from a thousand miles away.

We got to the hotel in exactly 12 hours from when we left. Not too shabby, we thought.

Of course, the freaking Marriott completely jacked up our reservation. We’re beginning to think it’s a personal vendetta the Marriott corporation has against us.

Amylynn growled. Kelli bared her teeth and Ava calmly negotiated them into comping our parking ($125.00 !!!! Seriously)

Anyway, we’re exhausted. Conference starts tomorrow. We’ll keep you posted.

There was a serious lack of shenanigans today. Things are bound to perk up tomorrow.

July 18

5-things12The Quill Sisters are heading off to San Antonio next week. We’re very excited. We’ve been out shopping for shoes and dresses and getting our nails done and generally making a nuisance of ourselves in public. We’re driving all the way to the convention so we don’t have to temper our packing with sanity. We’re going to shove every single thing we can into Dave Durango and hit the open road. (You hear that Dave? Hit the open road.  Not breakdown on the open road.) We’re only leaving enough room for any cute animals we see along the road. We figure if we pick them up along the way they can live in the hotel shark tankbathroom for a couple of days. This is going to be so exciting. We laughed about these things this week.

1. Champion YOLOer. A 51-year-old man snuck into an aquarium in Boston and jumped into the shark tank. It is believed that alcohol may have been involved. There is no explanation about what he expected to accomplish while he was in with the fishes. Good for him that the sharks had been fed recently and weren’t interesting in gnawing down on him. To be honest though, if South Sudana person is stupid enough to jump into the shark tank then he should be eaten. That’s how survival of the fittest works. Just ask Darwin.

2. Princess of North Sudan. So some father promised his daughter that she could be a princess. Apparently, he’s better at keeping his promises than most parents, or maybe his daughter is an unbelievably talented nag, because he ended up finding a swath of 800 square miles of unclaimed land between Egypt and Sudan. His family designed a flag and he went over there and planted it claiming it Kingdom of North Sudan and himself selfieKing. Obviously, that meant his daughter is now a princess. We pity any man who plans to marry this girl. He’s never going to live up to that.

3. Awesome selfie. Paul McCartney of the Beatles fame was in Omaha for a concert so he went out to dinner with Warren Buffett because of course he did. We wonder which of those uber-rich guys picked up the tab. They should have invited Oprah so they could have had a trifecta. Anyway, after dinner, arguably the most famous musician alive and the

That is one BIG freaking snail!

That is one BIG freaking snail!

humblest billionaire ever wandered through a city park and had an ice cream cone. This kid happened along to take the best selfie EVER.

4. Ewwwwww! on a grand scale. The Inspectors at LAX airport seized 67 live giant snails. Apparently the people in West Africa are very, very confused into thinking that they are a delicacy. Here’s where things get interesting. They were headed to a person in San Dimas. Did this ring a bell for you? It should if you’re a kid from the ’80′s. Bill and Ted must also be fans of huge, slimy snails. One of the creatures was sent to the Federal Mollusk Specialist in Washington DC. How is that for job specificity forpfaff 2 you? We’re here to tell you when that guy gets laid off there is no other job out there for him.

5. The Pfaff 2124. If there was ever a $2000 sewing machine that can make you sew okay – this is it.  Ava has completed her second ball gown using it.  Quite the difference between making ball gowns and pillows, let us tell you.  To: Amylynn From: Ava and Amylynn’s Fab Mom – Listen up Amy.  We quit. We are not making anymore ball gowns no matter how many historical novels you write and dedicate to us.  We’re done and that’s final.  Final.  The next thing we’re sewing is a straight jacket for you.

 

Elphaba’s shoes

All of the Sisters met at DSW to begin the Great Shoe Hunt part 7,658.Ava's shoes

Ava found these and we cackled heartily over them. We didn’t buy them even though they were on clearance for $20.00. To be fair, it’s possible we would have worn these when we were 20.

And somebody put in some time designing these things. Note the carved heel.

Ava said the minute she tried them on her calves seized up from the height of the platform + heel.

Where in the hell are these shoes meant to be worn?

We’re weak. We admit it. Especially when we’re running out of time

It happened and I’m ashamed of myself.Ovaries

The Sisters are trying to get everything done for our trip to San Antonio next week for the Romance Writers of America national convention. We’re running out of time  to get dresses finished and, we’ll admit, we’re in a mild panic. We needed a dress ribbon. Hobby Lobby is near by. We had to set aside our political issues for the sake of time.

We’re not proud.

To make it up to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Sonia Sotomayor we made a big show of discussing our ovaries the entire time we were in there.

 

It’s all fun and games until…

We had a huge monsoon storm this evening. There was only a 50% chance of rain which usually means the night will be dry as a bone. 50% chance of rain just gets your hopes up. I try to ignore that kind of forecast. I just watch the clouds and periodically stick my nose outside and smell for rain.

Photo by Dave Barstow

Photo by Dave Barstow

If you live somewhere besides the Southwest desert you might not know what I mean by “smell for rain”. Out here you can smell before it comes. It’s the best smell in the entire world. Seriously. If I could bottle that smell and the feelings it incites, man, I could make a gazillion dollars and make the world a happy place.

We were having a barbecue when the thunder started. Truly righteous thunder and lightning entertained us for about a half an hour and then the sky opened up. It rained so hard for ten minutes you couldn’t see the road. The electricity went on and off. The kids squealed. My heart lightened.

Weather like this makes me so happy. Seriously. Instant good mood.

Until the storm causes a cable and internet outage.

OH THE AGONY.

July 11

5-things12Ava’s off having all kinds of fun while we toil away at soul-sucking jobs. How is that fair? How? The only bright spot on the horizon is that it’s Friday. We do love a good Friday. Or a bad Friday. Really any Friday. The only benefit we can see about Ava being gone for the week is that we haven’t eaten Chipolte once. Not one single time. We’re fairly certain that by next week Chipolte will have sponsored a milk carton with her face on it. They must be beside themselves with worry. Think of the welcome we’ll get when she drags us back there Rolls-Royce_phantomnext week. Maybe we’ll get free guacamole out of it. Here’s some stuff Amylynn laughed about while she was gone.

1. Luxury cars. Rolls-Royce wants us to all calm down and stop worrying about them. They’re doing just fine. Great really. Apparently the sales of the luxury automobile are up. One of these days we’d like to buy a car whose base model starts at $263,000. Our asses would be damn fine resting on that leather seat when we cruise town desert tortoiseon National Tiara Day. And it would make going to Chipolte that much better. We’ll have Jeeves park right in front.

2. Tortoises on the lam. The week the police department brought down a couple of runaways. Two desert tortoises escaped their home and the police found them cruising South in the Northbound lanes of a fairly busy street in town. “A slow speed pursuit ensued.” Blahahahahahahaha. We can only assume they were handcuffed and thrown in the back of a headbangersquad car and then prosecuted within the limits of the law. That’s the way we treat people moving too slowly on our streets. We don’t care if you’re going the wrong way, just do it quickly.

3. Apparently there is an age limit. This is important information for those of us as we  approach our golden years. We all refuse to grow old, that’s not news to any of us. But we are getting  more fragile as we near that big Five-Oh. Take for example some poor sod in Germany. He’s in his fifties and he went to a Motorhead concert. Afterward, he couldn’t figure out why he had such awful headaches, so he went to the doctor. Turns out all that head-banging caused a brain bleed. As the wife of a heavy metal musician, pilotAmylynn has seen this in person. Usually they just have to wear a neck brace for a week. Why those guys can’t just get botox like all the women? Hell of a lot less intimidating than having a hole drilled in your head.

4. Way better than other airlines on our shit list. There was a run in last year between the Sisters and Delta Airlines and the TSA. It was a huge mess. We swore we’d NEVER EVER fly Delta ever again, and we were serious. That was until they were the cheapest flight to Pennsylvania. Once again, Ava had a horrible flying experience with them. We’ll let her tell you that story. Other people on a Frontier Airlines flight out of

The actual parrots

The actual parrots

Wyoming were having an awful flight, too. They sat on the tarmac FOREVER and their pilot felt so bad, he ordered them pizza. All 160 people ate Domino’s pizza while they waited. We’re just sayin’, we bet those passengers don’t have hate in their hearts for Frontier.

5. Squawk Me Elmo. The Customs officer discovered  two parrots tucked inside a stuffed Elmo doll. They seized the birds from the smugglers and sent them to quarantine. The birds, not the smugglers. You know this started our wheels spinning. We just need a bigger stuffed animal than Elmo. Also, it would help if we didn’t start our smuggling operation with an animal that doesn’t scream, “Let me out!” with a parrot accent.

This is…odd

Ava sent me this picture from Pennsylvania with no explanation. Fortunately, I have a good imagination. I still can’t decide what’s going on though. What do you think? Here are some ideas.

giant cow

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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