NEW RELEASES

Novel Engagement
Get your e-book signed by Amylynn Bright
Amylynn's bookshelf: my-books



More of Amylynn's books »
Book recommendations, book reviews, quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists

Archives

January 23

5-things12We didn’t know what to do with ourselves while the blog was down. It was weird. We had to threaten people with, “I’m going to put that in my blog…when it’s back up.” Not really the same oomph, you know what we mean? What little kid fears, “I’m telling the whole world about this maybe in a couple of days.” Not ours, that’s for darn sure. Also, the evenings are a lot less hectic without running around screeching, “What should I post? What should I post?” like some sort of Dr. Seuss escapee. Still we missed it. It’s been a huge part of our lives for almost six years now. We can’t believe it’s been that long, but it has. Who knew we had so much to babble about? Our second grade teachers, that’s who. And our mom. Our therapists. And the lady at the Hobby Lobby who now looks afraidEclipse every time we get in her line. Anyway, we’re back to babbling to you and it’s much better this way. Here’s some silly stuff we found.

1. Puppies with things to do. You probably already saw this on the internet, but in case you didn’t we want to make sure you don’t miss it. We’d like you to meet Eclipse. She’s a very pretty black Labrador who lives in Seattle. Apparently she really likes to go to the dog park. Alas it seems her owner isn’t always as prompt as she could like. She has solved that problem by taking the city bus to the park whenever she wants to. She waits at the stop, gets on the bus, visits her friends and gets off at the correct stop. It has been reported that she behaves better than many of the other riders. Obviously, she’s rugbecome a favorite with the bus drivers and other riders. We don’t know about your human kids, but ours can’t follow directions that well.

2. Other people who love dogs. The Sheriff’s office in Pinellas County, Florida got a new rug in the entrance area. It cost $500. It’s green and has a yellow sheriff’s badge in the middle and it’s been there for a couple of months. The super observant sheriff and deputies only just now noticed that instead of saying, “In God We Trust” it says “In DOG We Trust.” We actually, we do trust dogs. Amylynn just got new carpet in her house. When they ordered it they didn’t know there was an option of having it say In Dog We Trust, because they most certainly would have chosen that instead of the plain brown

If you can identify either of these hoodies...

If you can identify either of these hoodies…

tufted version they got. We have a suggestion for the citizens of Pinellas County, Florida. Perhaps you should trust in Eclipse from above – apparently she pays very good attention.3. People who don’t get paid enough. It was reported in our town that two men are wanted by the police for a massive theft of beer. The story goes like this. The two men went into a convenience store and walked out without paying for 5 thirty-packs of beer. A few minutes later, they returned and backed a truck up to the front door and stole 5 more. That’s 300 cans of beer. How did the conversation with that clerk go? Do you want any chips with that? How about a hot dog? When they came back for round two did they try to up sell the thieves a king tutlottery ticket? The whole things sounds very odd to us. The police are asking for the public’s assistance for leads. We think they need to be keeping their eyes open for one hell of a party. This crime seems like it’d solve itself.

4. Add Glue Sniffer to your resume. Dateline Cairo Egypt. The Conservators at the Egyptian Museum in Cairo have just informed the world that the blue and gold braided beard that King Tut so famously wears on his gold sarcophagus was knocked off and “hastily glued back on.” This gave us pause. The next line tells us a lot about this story. “Archaeologists and restorers say [the museum] is not run to professional standards.” Immediately we have a vision of Lucy and Ethel being hired to give the world’s most famous pharaoh a bath. Or maybe the Three Stooges. Or Pauly Shore and Stephen

Brain food

Brain food

Baldwin. Honest to Ra, it says the beard was glued back on. No word if they used rubber cement or Superglue. We suspect it must have been Larry, Moe and Curly because Lucy and Ethel would have tried chewing gum first.

5. That’s exactly why we eat cake. A very important study has just come out that attests that women who have curvy butts and thighs have smarter children. Here’s the important gist of the study ~ “The brain-building, breast-milk lipids (fats) are largely derived from the fat stored in a mother’s thighs and buttocks. Women with larger thighs have higher levels of these lipids. There is even evidence that they and their children are more intelligent as a result.” There are other things in the study that are down right insulting. For example, the professor compares women to fat hibernating bears and whales. Also, he says that women lose about a pound of fat a month while breastfeeding. The Quill Sisters new diet plan is based on this research. We figure we just need to breast feed some kids for the next 6.8 years and we’ll be as svelte as when we graduated. Anyone know any dehydrated kids?

 

A plea

There was a huge uproar today when the UPS truck showed up. There was barking and squealing and doorbells ringing. I wonder if UPS and FedEx guys get God complexes since it seems like people are always so incredibly excited to see them.

Anyway, The Bandit flew into my bedroom and tossed a box on my bed. Then he demanded that I open it immediatelyCOD mask so he could see if it was for him. He ordered something from Amazon and it’s taking a really long time. I’ll get to that in a minute.

Sadly it was not what he was expecting. It was my box of RITA entry books I am required to judge this year.

Before my very eyes, the boy went through the stages of grief.

“Maybe the delivery guy is coming back. Check the box again. I hate Amazon. It’s never going to come. Call them up and tell them we’ll order two more if they hurry up and send them.” Then he cried huge, pitiful, sobbing tears. “Fine. I’m going back to my video game.”

I feel bad for the kid. The problem is the vendor, not Amazon. Even though we get most things super fast, sometimes vendors are shipping and not Amazon. Then you’re at the mercy and whim of the Gods and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I gotta try anyway.

Dear Pixnor,

Please, please, please send the Call of Duty Ghost mask my boy ordered. The Amazon site says the expected delivery date is anywhere from January 27 to February 12. We ordered the thing on December 31. Are you all waiting for the sheep to be sheared? Are you weaving this material from unicorns? Is an alien space craft bringing the shipment?

I’m just sayin’, I can’t put up with another 15 days minimum of this boy’s nervous breakdown.

Just see what you can do, huh?

Thank you from the bottom of my frazzled little heart.

Amylynn Bright, Mother of The Bandit.

We’re BAAAAAAAACK!

This week the Sisters did a LOT of complaining and you didn’t even have to hear about it. You’re the lucky ones.crying-icecream The people who sat next to us at Chipotle had to suffer through almost a solid hour of it during our lunch on Tuesday.

Also, Amylynn got a ton of writing done since she wasn’t messing with this blog. The work in progress is coming along nicely, in case you’re interested. We hope

Us doing computer repairs and being Zen about it

Us doing computer repairs and being Zen about it

you are. That’s really the point of all this, isn’t it?

Anyway, there wasn’t anything either of us were technically able to do about the computer issues anyway, so we practiced being Zen. (Ava here – Amy does not know the definition of ZEN. Trust me on this. There was no zen while this blog was down. None.)

The good news is that now we will be back to reporting the regular lunacy and we anticipate much, much more. We’ll delve into that in the weeks to come.

needy Also, The 5 Favorite Things will be back up on Friday. We’ve been hoarding news stories. We really missed writing it.

And you. We missed you. It’s just not the same on Facebook.

Leave us a comment. We’re feeling needy.

Grapefruits!

Oh, sweet kitty.

Nous vous aimons, chat.

I’m available for smooching

Today is International Kiss a Ginger day! Things are looking up.

See how much he loves me

See how much he loves me

Amylynn is a ginger! And you all know who her favorite ginger is, don’t you?

Everyone go find yourself a ginger and smooch ‘em up good.

 

 

 

A brief synopsis of the weekend

This weekend had a bevy of ridiculous things that happened. A cornucopia of the absurd, if you will. As each thing happened, my family looked at me speculatively.

“This is going in the blog, isn’t it?”

Oh yeah.

Things started out well on Friday.  My Honey and I aren’t as strict about bedtimes on the weekends, consequently, the Bandit falls asleep on the couch most weekend nights. I think I’ve told you before how we will wake him up enough to guide him as he stumbles down the hall. We make a pit stop in the bathroom then he falls into bed.

So I steered him into the bathroom, pulling off his shirt along the way, and poked him awake so he could pee. My Honey and I always laugh because he’s just like a drunk, swaying, while you try to keep him awake so he can aim for the toilet.

This night he was no less “drunk.” In fact, he was mumbling something while he scratched his bare belly. He looked remarkably like Al Bundy.girl

“What?” I asked because I couldn’t hear what he was saying.

He leaned his head back and scratched. “I already have a girlfriend.”

What? I started to giggle. I tease him all the time about girlfriends, and at nine he does not find this funny. I asked him to repeat himself.

Still scratching, he mumbled, “I already have a girlfriend.”

Oh, this was delicious. “Who is it?”

“I already have a girlfriend.” He was emphatic, which made me wonder who was hitting on my baby in his dream.

“Who’s your girlfriend?”

He scratched and mumbled. I repeated my question, but his mumbling was no clearer. I asked three times and got nothing. He finally finished going to the bathroom and staggered to his room.

I interrogated his sister, but she didn’t know anything about the mystery girl. Neither did his father when I did a spot on imitation of his confession.

As you can imagine, this has given me a great deal of fodder with which to tease him.

When we ate pizza for lunch, I asked. “What kind of pizza does your girlfriend like?”

When he put on his favorite red shirt I asked, “What’s your girlfriend’s favorite color?”

We will proceed along these lines until I no longer find it funny. So maybe by the time he goes to college.

Then on Saturday, we went to a Coyotes Hockey game My Honey got me for Christmas. I don’t know why this always happens, but he always, ALWAYS, has a maniac sitting behind him. Last time, the woman was hopelessly drunk and beyond obnoxious.

This time the fellow behind him had a moronic running commentary the entire time.

“Didhehitthepuck? Ithinkhedid. Yeah,hehitthepuck. Didthatguyfalldown? Yeah,hefelldown. Musthavehitaroughpatchontheice. Doyouthinkhe’sok? Yeah,hegotuphe’sok.”

At no time did it seem his companion, TheOtherGuy, needed to contribute to the conversation at all. So if that wasn’t prosthetic legbad enough, TheOtherGuy started to complain about his leg.

“This damn thing’s been killing me all day.” He groused like this for several minutes and then WHAP! he hit My Honey in the back of the head.

Actually, more the point, he kicked him in the back of the head. Before My Honey could recover enough to do anything about this, a prosthetic leg came flying over the back of the seat and landed next to him.

What does one say to this? “Um, hey. You’re leg seems a little out of control.”

Great paroxysms of laughter ensued.

Sunday, I was appealed to by the family to make Eggplant Parmesan. I have no idea what they were thinking. I’ve explained to you all on any number of occasions how the kitchen and I don’t really get along. Nevertheless, everything was in the oven and I set the pot on the stove to boil and went back to the office to work. The smoke detector alerted me to a problem–three-inch flames coming off the burner. The wrong burner, I might add. I

A reenactment. My actual kitchen isn't this neat.

A reenactment. My actual kitchen isn’t this neat.

hadn’t even turned on the right burner under the pot.

“What the hell was on the burner?” My Honey yelled at me while we hyperventilated trying to blow out the flames.

I shrugged. I have no idea what could have been on there.

Eventually, the flames were extinguished. Ava was mad because I didn’t have video of the fire. WGR was irritated on my behalf because I didn’t get to call the fire department. Dinner took an extra forty-five minutes so the kids were tweaked about that.

In the end, dinner was good, although Sassy took great delight in informing me hours later that I forgot to turn off the oven. I reminded The Bandit to wash his arm pits in the shower because I doubted his girlfriend enjoyed smelly pits. And nary a fake leg was tossed.

 

 

 

 

January 9

5-things12You know what sucks? Diets. Day time television. Bills in the mailbox. Solicitation calls. Laundry. The Sisters being separated. Chapped lips. There now that we got that out of our systems, we can proceed. How’s the new year treating you? And those resolutions? Did you do any of those or have you come to the realization, like the Sisters have, that making resolutions only leads to disappointment and further weight gain? Speaking of weight gain, Amylynn is disturbed to find that she and Jojo Kittywiggles are getting exponentially fatter the longer she’s off work. The reason this could be happening is because of diet math. We figure if you eat a chocolate donut BUT DRINK A DIET COKE it evens everything out, right? Also, if said donuthairy vest is stale and therefore not as satisfying as you’d hoped, then it doesn’t count either, right? Fine. We’re shopping for a stylin’ Coach leash so Jojo Pudgywiggles can go walking with Amylynn and the Unemployed WGR. While we moan about that, laugh at some funny stuff.

1. We need a seamstress STAT. It has come to our attention there was a gorilla born in the Oklahoma Zoo some time ago. She was rejected by her mama so she was raised by humans. They wore “hairy vests” while rearing this gorilla. You read that correctly, hairy vests. So it occurred to us, as it probably did you, that we might need to get ourselves a couple of hairy vests when we get those pandas. We checked out Amazon. Did you know you can buy a mink coat on there? Seriously. On Amazon. Minks are cute, but we’d rather have a panda. So we were really disappointed when we Googled that panda bears can see in color. Probably shouldn’t get the cute pink hairy

We are not fooled.

We are not fooled.

vest then, right? We couldn’t find any panda colored vests, so we’ll might have to convince our mom to get the sewing machine out again.

2. McDonalds is freaking us out. Did you know that there is a potato shortage? Us neither. But that’s making shit go sideways in Venezuela real fast. They’ve started making substitutions like fried yuca for the French fries. It’s an issue in Japan, too, where they’re really going bonkers and putting human teeth in there. YUCK! It’s possible these are separate issues and we’re just confused, but all we’re sayin’ is that there is arguably ONE reason to go to McDonalds and that is for the fries. No one in Venezuela would be happy if we got fried yuca in our bag instead. Not us. Not the McDonalds employee. And not the yuca suppliers. Come on, Idaho. Get a move on. Things are getting desperate out there.

3. Urban Myth realized. A woman in San Diego thought it would be a regular day. Things seemed to be proceeding

The actual snake and toilet

The actual snake and toilet

normally until she went to the bathroom and thought the water was a bit too high in the tank. So she plunged it. And a giant ass snake slithered up. We imagine her next course of action here was to scream, but the accounts in the newspaper don’t specify. Let’s just assume she screamed. We would have. Anyway, she fled the bathroom and Scotch taped the door closed and called the police. We think that was a brilliant move on her part, although we might have gone directly for the flame thrower. It was determined to be a 5 1/2 foot Colombian rainbow boa. The owner of the snake turned out to be the tenant upstairs. Still, we can’t find any reasonable explanation on the Practicing with her new walker.internet for how the hell snakes get in toilets in the first place. We suspect there are bathroom phobias developing in San Diego at an alarming rate these days.

4. Fiesty grandmas. We don’t know if it’s because of all the snow, but things are getting crazy in Hamilton, Montana. A 62 year-old woman named Joyce has been charged with felony intimidation and misdemeanor assault when her roommate Jeanne accused her of running her over with her walker. Jeanne was standing in the hall with her own walker when Joyce exited her bedroom with her walker. Apparently Joyce told Jeanne to move it or she was gonna mow her down. (You notice this isn’t in quotes because we’re extrapolating the conversation based on our own interpretation of how this went down.) Jeanne didn’t move and the mowing commenced causing Jeanne to fall. Here’s the best part and we’re not making it up. Joyce claims it was an “accident” but that she did threaten to kill Jeanne if she called the police. Be careful out there. Joyce has not entered a plea and warewolfremains free on her own recognizance.

5.  Silver bullets are out of the question. The president of Argentina adopted a boy in order to keep him from turning into a werewolf. So that really happened. Sadly the story isn’t as salacious as we’d hoped. According to folklore in Argentina, the seventh son born to a family will become a “el lobison”. He’ll show his true nature the first Friday after he turns thirteen wherein he will turn into a demon at midnight and be doomed to hunt and kill, as well as feed on excrement, unbaptized babies, and the flesh of the recently dead. Don’t you think that’s weirdly specific? If he’s “adopted” by the president, then he’s the first son, see. We bet what happened is that some Argentinian mother got a whiff of her unwashed, recently turned 13 year-old boy and nearly gagged. We’re very familiar with this issue.

I need to find the other five people who will connect me to these guys.

We have found our doppelgänger. Well, our doppelgänger if we’re not counting looks. If we’re counting attitude and excitement levels. This dude is already an Honorary Quill Sister after watching only one show.

So here’s the deal.

There’s a new show on A&E called Wild Transport. The conceit is that you get to ride along as this company transport Wild-Transportwild animals from zoos and sanctuaries to others. One of the guys, Rick, acts EXACTLY like we would in these situations.

At one point, he’s outrageously excited about playing and cuddling with two Bengal tiger cubs in a hotel room all night. When that doesn’t work out – not for the reason you’d suspect – the transport team has to spend the night sleeping in the truck with the cubs and their gigantic tiger parents in the trailer in the back. Even then, he’s over the moon excited.

“Can you believe we get to spend the night in the truck with tigers!” he says, eyes wide with excitement.

I’m telling you, Ava and I would be exactly the same. Now I need to figure out how I can get a job over there.

Hey! Wild Transport people! We’re your gals. Seriously. Call us. We’ll pay our own way over there and everything.

A little Tom is all you need.

So now that the kids are back in school I’m working really hard on finishing that darn book. This has been my hardest one yet – when it comes to research. Gads, it’s just been exhausting.

I don’t have any extra words to give you today. Wanna know why?

writing-is-hard

I have a few things that sustain me.

Chocolate.

Molesting Jojo Kitty while he sleeps on my desk. That poor cats gets an obscene amount of kisses. He puts up with a lot.

And this.

Tom Hardy

 

We’d take this over the smart phone any day (#1)

There was snorting when we watched this. In fact, we snorted so loud, Jojo Kitty came over to see what was going on. We defy you not to snort.

Copyright © 2013. All Rights Reserved.