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Don’t ask us, we know every thing

The Sisters and the World’s Greatest Receptionist had PEI WEI for lunch today.  This occurred after the usual whining from Amylynn about Chipotle.  It occurred as we drove past the restaurant and Amy cutoff the driver next to us and made an illegal left to get there.  Here’s what she said “We’re having Pei Wei instead of Chipotle and I don’t want to hear a word about it or you can just walk back to the office.”  No one walked back but it was touchy there for a few minutes.  After we ate, it was fortune cookie time!

Amy’s fortune cookie said “Listen these next few days to your friends to get answers you seek.”

Ava's fortune

Ava’s fortune

That ought to be interesting because Amy doesn’t listen to anyone.  Aside from that being one pushy fortune cookie with the demanding “Listen” and all, Ava and TWGR decided to randomly give her answers on all sorts of things without any questions being asked, you know, just trying to be helpful and all.

Amy didn’t seem to appreciate knowing the following: respect your elders (Ava being the elder), never question the receptionist (TWGR being the receptionist), the boss is always right even when she’s not (Ava being the boss), etc.

Note from Amylynn: It was only really annoying when they started shouting random numbers at me. Honest to Zeus, these people don’t have enough work to do.

We actually can’t wait to go to work tomorrow to provide Amy with more answers.

Note from Amylynn again: Yay! (note sarcastic tone)

 

 

“Mother of Pearl!”

Mostly, I’m done with the Ice Bucket Challenge videos. Obviously, we’d love a cure for ALS, and we totally support the push for contributions.

Still, we’re tired of watching people poor buckets of water on their heads.

Still, we love the Old Spice Man.

 

August 22

5-things12Sometimes finding 5 Favorite Things over a week is hard. Really hard. We’ll desperately search the newspapers, the internet, our interactions over the last seven days and still come up with squat crap by Friday.  Sometimes there just aren’t any favorite things to be had. It couldn’t possibly be our moods. Perhaps we’re extra dark and moody this week. Come to think of it, we’ve been feeling more Dorothy Parker and less Mark Twain lately. The only Dexterpeople that causes trouble for are the people at the end of our snark, but we assure you they all deserved it. Here are a few things we managed to rustle up.

1. Thank you, Netflix. We’ve watched some phenomenal television series while “working” at Bank of No Forks. We saw all of Breaking Bad and we’ve been on top of Game of Thrones, Downton Abbey, and Orphan Black. Right now we’re embroiled in Dexter. We’re four seasons in and HOLY CRAP!!! There’s a lot of squealing Azaleaandfreaking out while we watch. Wow, this was a great show. If you didn’t watch it in the beginning, you should watch it now. You won’t be sorry.

2. Azalea. That’s what we’ve decided to name the sweet little elephant baby who was born at our zoo on Wednesday. Her keepers haven’t named her yet, so we thought we’d help them out. There’s a tendency to name the elephants after words in Swahili, but we think she needs a cutsie, girlie name. We mulled over Posey and Poppy, but they’ve been over-used. RolfShe’s an elephant, so we thought we should name her something a little heartier. We like Azalea.

3. We wouldn’t let him in either. Perhaps we’re judging a book by its cover, but we’ll be honest and tell you we’re freaked out by this. The World’s Most Pierced Man–a German fellow with horn implants and over 100 piercings in his face alone–was denied entry into Dubai. He was headed there to appear at a circus-themed venue. Because of course he was. Dubai officials cited “security reasons” for refusing to allow him to enter. Rumors suggest there was concern that he epilatorwas a practitioner of black magic. We don’t know about that, but we definitely think he’s a practitioner of bad judgement.

4. Electrolysis. Ava and the World’s Greatest Receptionist will endure all manner of pain for beauty. This past month they ordered up an electrolysis machine to remove unwanted facial hair. If you stop by the office in the afternoon, you can hear “Ouch” or “Ow” or “Holy Cow Balls!”. It hurts a little. Amy just rolls her eyes.  Amy is the least girly person we know when it comes to pain for beauty’s sake, but that doesn’t stop Ava and TWGR – they’ve starting growing their own botox. We’ll keep you posted. Or you’ll hear about it on the news. bad words

5. Bad Words. We rented this movie from RedBox this week when we didn’t have a copy of Dexter to watch. It stars and is directed by the delightful and hysterical Jason Bateman. The movie is very funny in an “Oh my god, we’re going to hell for laughing at this” sort of way. If you haven’t seen it, you should. Jason is a delight. His character is awful. Really, really awful. Still, you’re sorta rooting for him even though you understand why most people  in the film want to kick his ass. A side benefit is learning new words. We like tmesis. Abso-freakin’-lutely.

Way better than work

I had to stay home with a sick kid today who acted remarkably healthy all day. Just imagine my dubious expression. If I hadn’t been with her during the night when things were bad, I’d have believed she just wanted to play hooky.

Not that I can blame the kid. Not really.

I remember when I was a kid, my mom would wake my brother and I up in the morning and say, “Get dressed. We’re going to the zoo.”

My mom firmly believed in mental health days.

So, I wore my pajamas to drive The Bandit to school (no, I am not ashamed of that) and went back home to Sassy who was still sound asleep in my bed. I turned on Hell Boy because I freaking love that movie, grabbed a cat and forced it to cuddle with me, and went back to sleep.

Sadly, this means I wasted an entire day watching silly movies with the girl and playing video games with my boy when he came home. Sassy and I made duct tape bows for the dogs. I actually made dinner–sour cream and chicken enchiladas–YUM! I read half a book that I’m pretty sure I’ve read before, but I continued on anyway. It’s a pretty good book.

I didn’t get any writing done on my current book, and I got the final edits back on the book releasing in December.

All in all, it was a good day.

 

And you think you have a crappy job

What the hell is going on in Alabama? Did you see the picture of the monstrous alligator that was captured there? Gargantuan. Abso-freaking-monstrous.alligator

It weighed 1,011.5 pounds and broke the first scale they tried to put it on. Instead they used a backhoe to weigh it.

We’d like to mention that it was a woman who finally killed it with a shotgun blast to the head.

We’re not sure that we’re happy about the whole story. We’re not sure anything that magnificent, such a perfect example of its species, should be killed for sport–even though it’s not fuzzy. Also, we want it eating us, mind you. For this reason, we’ve cancelled all planned trips to Alabama.

The alligator put up a hell of a fight. At one point it towed the boat with five people in it “at a startling speed” across the creek until the boat hit a stump sending all the people tumbling. Doesn’t that sound exciting?

What some people do for fun. I just don’t get it.

 

Too cute for words but we’ll try

As those of you who read this blog on a regular basis know – we love Red Pandas.  They’re freakin’ adorable and we have risked jail to add one to our family.  We also love cookies.  Drum roll please . . . here’s a red panda eating cookies.  Our day is complete and we hope yours is as well.  All together now – AWWWWWWWWWW!

 
Red panda

Searching for a hero

I’m supposed to be writing on my WIP (that’s work in progress for the uninitiated in the writer’s world acronyms) but I paused for a Pinterest break. That means I was sucked into that vortex for at least an hour before I even realized it.

I’d like to say that it’s important for me to have visuals in my head of my hero and heroine before I get very far. It is important, but no one needs to do that for an hour. Still, God I love Pinterest.

Theo TheodoridisAnyway, I needed to come up with an 1815 American sea-captain that would look just disreputable enough to captivate an English Miss.

I think I did it.

What do you think? Is this Nathaniel Johnson, Captain of Martha’s Patriot?

He cleans up really well, but I kinda like him a bit scruffy and wind-blown.

Go here and see the rest of the board so far.

 

 

 

August 15

5-things12It’s been a really long week. One of those weeks that goes on for like 6 weeks. Or at least 17 days. Extraordinarily tedious days spreading one to the next. It was very existential. Perhaps part of the problem was that Amylynn finally caved in and read The Fault In Our Stars. That book will kill you unless you’re Ava, then you’re dead inside and all that misery won’t affect you like a human. Also, the puzzle at work is taking forever and we’re tired of looking at all these red and white pieces that don’t fit anywhere. Thank God there were decepticonssome things that made us laugh and we’re going to share them with you.

1. People with too much money. Some fellow in Braintree, MA owns a Maserati. Well, if that wasn’t annoying enough, we’ll tell you that he had it painted like a cop car. That got him in a wee bit of trouble with the actual police who did not find it funny. Instead of a regular cop car, this one was decked out with Decepticons logos. For example, the door stated, “Decepticons punish and enslave.” Isn’t that nice. He was charged with impersonating a police Mayor Dukeofficer. Or a Transformer. Either way, there are people with way too much money who clearly don’t know how to spend it.

2. Another brilliant mayoral decision. In the wee town of Cormorant, MN the citizens elected Duke the Great Pyrenees to the office of Mayor. He won in a landslide. The election committee didn’t disclose exactly how many of the twelve votes that were cast actually went to Duke the dog, but the majority did. Yes, you read that correctly. Twelve votes were cast. Obviously, this is a major metropolis. Still, let’s be honest. It’s not like our state is known tattoofor making wise choices with it’s elections so we shant be casting stones. In fact, the Sisters are thinking of nominating Jojo Kitty for governor.

3. Beau the maimer. In the spirit of full disclosure, we’ll tell you that not only did Amylynn request the specific maiming procedure, but she spent a considerable amount of money being maimed. We told you about the first tattoo on her wrist–the one with the crown and Calm Down. Well, she did another one, too. She had a twenty-seven year old tattoo that was darned near unidentifiable at this point. It took three hours yesterday to cover it up. Beau was the tattooist. He put up with an enormous amount of broccolitorture from Ava who terrorized him with comments like, “It better be perfect.” Also, turns out Amylynn did a lot of involuntary flinching. Amy was forced got to listen to hours of conspiracy theories that spanned ebola all the way to alien visitation. Good times.

4. Vegetables aren’t funny. It’s true. Many vegetables have absolutely no sense of humor. Take broccoli for instance. Seriously, take the broccoli. Ick. We read an article that suggested many new marketing ploys for food in the coming years. It was suggested that the farmer people will start taking out ads for broccoli. What could they possibly do to make us eat it? Not even covering it in chocolate would do it. Not even wrapping a $50 bill around a stalk would entice us. Broccoli is icky. You can go ahead Madison Avenue. Take your best shot.dog and cat

5. Does your dog have green eyes? Researchers say it’s possible dogs get jealous. Well duh.  Of course they do.  The second we pay any attention to the cats, the dogs come right over pushing their noses against our leg with tails wagging.  Interestingly, the cats don’t get jealous.  They just give you the “If you’d rather scratch that drooling monster go ahead, we might be available when you come to your senses” look.

 

 

 

5.

Jerry is indeed an idiot…

Since we’ve had such a fascination lately with armadillos, I thought you might enjoy this. The True Facts series on YouTube is a scream.

Once I watched this I am 100% certain we will not be getting a screaming armadillo. I have screaming kids at home and I don’t need any more of that nonsense.

The best part is Jerry. Remind me not to have Jerry do research for me on my latest historical.

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