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This is howl worthy!

The Sisters really, really loved Frozen. We love that the sisters save each other and the boys were really only helpful on the fringe. Yea, girl power.

We also really, really love Breaking Bad.

How could we not really love this?

Yea for us! said none of us, never

So much boredom.

There was a guy in from corporate today (Monday) so we had to put away all our toys and pretend like we have 8 hours of work every day.

The first six hours weren’t so bad until we realized it was only 10:00.

It was agony. I have the first two discs of Breaking Bad’s final season sitting at my desk. There are five jigsaw puzzles waiting to be assembled. No one’s hair was curled. No fingernails were painted. I didn’t even work on my own laptop so no real writing got done.

It was awful.

And we get to do it all over again on Tuesday.

We’ll probably all slip quietly into comas.

That would be a giant NOPE even if you ask nicely

So. Did you see that huge cloud of negativity hovering over the Southwestern desert this weekend. It was because I had to have new headshots taken.

Julia

Riiiiiiight

As far as I can see, this is the biggest problem with success in publishing. People seem to want a photo of you. That whole idea fills me with stomach roiling anxiety. I know you think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not. The only thing worse than having my picture taken would be if I had to have it done with a spider. Honest to Zeus, that would probably kill me.

Ava tried to make it better for me by finding artistic pictures we could try to copy. Pictures like this of Meryl Streep or this one by Julia Roberts. As much as she tried to help, this made things worse. Sweet Jesus, look who I have to try to emulate here. The only thing Julia and I have in

Yeah, this was gonna happen

Yeah, this was gonna happen

common is red hair, and even then, she wears it much better than me. Hold on a second, I have to go throw up.

I’m back.

So we struggled to find a photographer which, through no fault of our own, was much harder than it had to be. We finally lit on a lovely lady who did a good job considering what she had to work with. More on that later.

We made a hair and makeup appointment. We hardly even made ourselves a nuisance at the salon since I was so freaked out I couldn’t even muster some good sarcasm. Ava had no wing man for any of her volleys.

We brought props. None of which we really used after all. One was sunglasses – see Meryl. We have a few in those. I assure you I DO NOT look like Meryl in them, but they were handy because it was super bright out. Super bright and WINDY. WTF, Nature? We also brought a gray cable knit sweater – see Julia. I will assure you that one reason I do not look anything like Julia in them was that it was 98 degrees outside and I was in a turtleneck. The reason she’s probably pulling that thing away from her face wasn’t to be artistic. It was probably because she was quickly melting. I assure you I was. MEEEEEEEELTING. That made me testy. Sorta like the Wicked Witch of the West. Undoubtedly, the similarities didn’t end there. I’m sure you can imagine how pleasant I was during the whole ordeal as I’ve already explained my anxiety, heat level and even my general contentiousness on a good day.

I brought a top hat. I thought it was whimsical. Turns out it was stupid. Linda brought a cool Frank Sinatra kinda hat. It was stupid, too. There was a tea-cup that went unused and a laptop that never made its presence known either.

Lovely Photographer took 168 photographs. We found 10 that don’t make we want to jump off a bridge. Lovely Photographer will Photoshop them and hopefully remove all the ugly. Then we’ll see what we end up with.

All I know is, I’m never, never doing this again.

Ever.

April 11

5-things12Is it Friday?  Yes!  It’s Friday!  FRIDAY! FRIDAY! FRIDAY!  Okay, calm down.  That wasn’t you shouting?  You’re right!  It wasn’t you!  It was us.  You know why?  IT’S FRIDAY.  We like Friday.  Here’s what got us to Friday this week.cold

1. Non-drowsy Cold Medicine – the Sisters both have a cold this week.  They place the blame squarely on Ava’s husband.  He had it first.  Although asked to stop, he kept breathing, thereby sending his germs out into the universe or at least near Ava who then gave them to Amy.  No one wants to call in sick when they’re sick so the Sisters have been using non-drowsy cold medicine to survive.  Except they’re drowsy.  They can’t decide if the non-drowsy part is a lie or if they’re drowsy because they’re sick.  Actually, they’re always drowsy even when they’re not sick so does non-drowsy make sick people drowsy who are normally drowsy or is it the other way around?  Now our heads hurt even kleenexmore.

2. Kleenex with Lotion – no one wants to look bad when they’re sick and the Sisters are no exception.  As soon as we acknowledged the truth of being sick we jumped in the car and went right to “We’re taking over the world one corner at a time” Walgreens to buy some premium lotion-in-the-tissue tissues.  That almost didn’t happen when Ava saw the price.  No one needs a box of snot rags for $52.86.  Except Amy pitched a fit right there in the aisle: “I am getting my picture taken on Saturday!!  I am not having it done with a Rudolph-red nose because your stephen colberthusband made us sick and you’re CHEAP!!”  Needless to say, we bought them.  Money is no object when you’re getting your picture taken.

3. Stephen Colbert as David Lettermen – David Lettermen is retiring.  No disrespect but he is getting old.  Not that the Sisters put a lot of thought into his replacement but they were pleased when it was announced that it would be Stephen Colbert.  We like him; he’s funny like us.  Except flat tirehe’s playing a part and we’re real – real funny.  Hey!  Maybe they should have considered us!  We’re calling our agent.

4. Humberto at Discount Tire – you all know the trouble Ava’s been having with her car and matters have not improved.  This morning, Sickly Ed informed Ava one of the tires had a slow leak and she would need to take it to the tire store for repair.  Humberto, the nice Discount associate, asked Ava her name to which she replied “Ava Bright and her name is Carly.”  He nodded his head and told Ava he’d call noahwhen the car was ready.   When she went back to pick the car up, Humberto said “Carly’s all set.”  OMG – the Sisters love, love, love anyone who will play along with their craziness.  You, Mr. Humberto, have earned Discount Tire a customer for life.

5. Delicious.  Here is the headline: ‘Noah’ Screening Canceled After Movie Theater Floods. We don’t think we need to comment on this.  What else is there to say? Just imagine us staring at you, eyebrows raised,  while you run through all the possible scenarios.

 

 

Such a let down

Since Ava gave you an example the other day of how she’s crazy, I thought I would do the same.

I have conversations with people who aren’t there. Not in a I see dead people sort of way. I have conversations with people I know in anticipation of seeing them later. Sadly, I’m often angry at that person and the conversation I’m having with them is often in the form of a fight.

So, let’s recap. I’m having arguments with people who aren’t there. And getting increasingly angry about it.

Sometimes this happens in dreams. I’ll wake up after a dream where I’ve been mad at my husband. I will still be angry when I see him later. FOR NO

These are intended to make you feel less INSANE

These are intended to make you feel less INSANE

REASON. I realize this is TOTALLY irrational, but I can’t help it.

This morning at the Bank of No Forks our usual security guard had some court thing so his boss came for the beginning of his shift. I need to disclose that I can not stand this man. I don’t know why, exactly. He just rubs me the wrong way. It may have stemmed from an episode wherein he gave me unsolicited dieting advice. The man is at least 300 pounds. I don’t want to hear shit from him. Look at me, I’m getting all irritated all over again.

So let me set up today’s scene. We’re having a potluck at work for no particular reason.  I had three grocery bags, a paper bag with a giant salad bowl and tongs, a dozen daffodils, my computer bag and my monster purse. That’s a lot of crap to haul across the parking lot. As I was pulling into my spot I started working into an imaginary fight. I just KNEW that lazy bastard wasn’t going to open the door for me, so I started writing the dialogue of our fight.

By the time I reached the sidewalk, the dressing down I was going to give him was EPIC.  The man would be crying when I was done with him.  I couldn’t wait. I was absurdly excited. Adrenaline was making me jumpy.

And then the asshole opened the door.

Sigh.

 

In this fight, the

Everyone should just calm down

Amy gave me a book to read by Bill Bryson.  We love Bill Bryson.  You should read books by Bill Bryson.  He’s awesome.  You’ll find bill brysonout all sorts of stuff you don’t know.  Some of it will the scare the sh*t out of you.

For example:  Yellowstone National Park is actually not a park at all – you just think it is (don’t worry, so did I).  It’s really an underground supervolcano.  What’s that you ask?  A supervolcano is an enormous underground caldera which lacks a peak or potential outlet for gas, so heat and pressure build underground which increases the likelihood that “the entire surface above the underground chamber, which can be many miles wide, is blown away by a titanic explosion that can be thousands of times more powerful than that of a regular volcano”.

Whatever - these guys look quite orderly to me - Amylynn

Whatever – these guys look quite orderly to me – Amylynn

While I was reading about this, unknown to Ed, he says “Hey, did you hear about the animals that are fleeing Yellowstone National Park?”  It seems that some people are saying the animals are leaving the park.  It’s a known fact that animals are sensitive to underground shifts in the planet.  I tell Ed about what I know from Bill and inform him “The end is near.”  For some reason, he went to work anyway.  Not wanting to be out “responsibled” (actually, I just wanted to see Amy), I marched off to work as well.  I felt like the stripper in the movie Independence Day going off to my job even though there’s an alien spacecraft right over the city.  That’s some dedication right there.  I don’t think Bank of No Forks really appreciates me, but I digress . . .

Anyway, after I explain the whole situation to Amy, she says scientist are saying it isn’t true about the animals.  She tried to tell me it was the buffalos natural spring ritual of migrating and feeling frisky.  Frisky.  Because it’s spring.  Can you believe she fell for that?  The scientists she was quoting are from the government.

Me:  That’s what the government scientist want you to believe.

Gullible Amy: They want us to believe it because it’s true.

Me: What about me reading about it just as this is happening?  What are the odds?

Non-Odds Calculating Amy:  Clearly, they’re pretty good . . .

Me: They are NOT good, you just don’t want to face the truth.  That volcano is going to blow any day now.  However, I did some

You better hurry up and get over here. This is going  fast.

You better hurry up and get over here. This is going fast.

research and you’ll be relieved to know we’re beyond the ash-fall line.  There might be an issue with the sun being blotted out but we’ll worry about that if it happens.

Finally Listening Amy: You know what?  You’re right.  The end is near so we’re abandoning our current crazy diet and eating cake.

Amy might fall for lies the government tells but she certainly knows how to deal with a crisis.  If Yellowstone turns into the largest volcano eruption on earth in the last 750,000 years, she definitely won’t make us go to our stripper jobs AND we’ll eat cake.  I feel better now.

A rose by any other name . . .

Carly

Carly Cadillac – a pretty girly-girl.

My car has been in the shop since the Saturday before last. Like a lot of people, I name all of my cars. My current car’s name is Carly. Get it? She’s a CARly. She’s also a Cadillac, so her complete name is Carly Cadillac. Go ahead, say it out loud. Cute, right?

There are actually some serious issues and she ends up staying at the repair garage for days. The Cadillac people are nice enough to give you a loaner. As I mentioned here before – I’m not a good driver. Which is why Amy is the driver of the Sisters. It’s for the best, trust me. Anyway, bad drivers do not like being given unfamiliar autos to drive around. It makes us nervous. It’s bad to be nervous when you’re driving. They also gave me an 85K loaner. Who does that? Who loans a perfect stranger, one who can’t drive, an 85K loaner?

I tell you this because I called the loaner “Super Carly” to the service tech. My car is a 2005 and let me tell you, there is a HUGE difference between a 2005 and a 2014! Hence, Super Carly. I had to explain that I name my cars to the tech – we went through the Carly explanation and then the Super Carly explanation. He acted like I was the only person he’d ever met in his life since the day he was born who names her cars. How is that possible? He’s an auto mechanic for goodness sakes. He must meet lots of folks who name their cars.

From that conversation forward, he treated me like I’m a nut. Which I might be, but not for naming my car. I went to pick Carly up

Dave Dodge - he's a sturdy fellow. You can trust him with your dog.

Dave Dodge – he’s a sturdy fellow. You can trust him with your dog.

this morning and some random person said “Are you here for Carly?” Turns out, the tech told everyone – so pretty much EVERYONE came out to the service area to look at me. Because I’m me, when they brought her out, I threw myself on her hood and shouted “By god, I’ve missed you, Carly! Tell me they didn’t hurt you.” EVERYONE turned around and went back into the garage.

Maybe I am a nut.

****Amylynn here**** Obviously, Ava is a nut. That’s not even really up for debate. It is not, however, because she named her car Carly. I named my car Dave. Dave Durango. If you’re not nice to me, I won’t drive you around in Dave. It’s a fabulous experience.

Now you’re just being mean

We love dogs over here at the Quill Sisters. They’re so darn cute and trusting and loveable–which can be a welcome change after you’ve been roundly ignored by your cat all day. You’re going to love this and you don’t have to speak Finnish or Swedish or whatever it is to get it.

There was a follow up video showing cat’s responses to magic and it went about as well as you’d expect.

April 4

5-things12Guess what? Well, you probably already did guess–like five days ago, but Amylynn didn’t die while camping. You may also presume that she did not find Bigfoot. We imagine that when we finally do nab the fellow, there will be a media frenzy. We’re hoping to have lost some weight by then. Here’s to positive thinking. And donuts. See that right there? That’s why we’re never going to “find” Bigfoot. Even if we do, we can’t tell anyone about it because the camera adds ten pounds. You see how the media ruins everything? Occasionally it also brings us funny stuff. Like these gems.gift from pope

1. The Pope needs to take a run back through the gift shop. Queen Elizabeth took a vacation to the Vatican–somewhere the Sisters are dying to go themselves–and met with Pope Francis. She brought a gift as any guest should do when visiting the house of a friend. She brought honey, whiskey and goodies from the royal estates. Nice, right? Well thought out, we believe. What does the Pope do to reciprocate? He gives her a blue stone orb topped with a sharp cross to give her great-grandson, Prince George. Who is an infant. **blink blink** The Queen said, “[he] will be thrilled by that–when he’s a little older.” Isn’t there xraya giant gift shop at the Vatican? Maybe the Pope has a gift closet where he stuffs crap and white elephant gifts other dignitaries gave him that he could browse. Surely there’s a rattle floating around there somewhere?

2. It’s a miracle any of them live. A 21 year-old man in Pittsburgh was taken to the emergency room with a chainsaw sticking out of his neck. Some how he managed to miss all the major arteries and such and stuck the blade in his muscle. He works for a tree service and was at work at the time of the accident. One of his co-workers rescued him from the tree, leaving the chainsaw stuck in his neck to try to keep the bleeding to a minimum. Quick thinking, eh? Or willie's armadillomaybe the guy just didn’t want buckets of blood in his truck. Either way, we think our guy should reevaluate his employment options. Possibly doing something that doesn’t involve sharp objects. Maybe in a marshmallow factory.

3. Willie’s armadillo. Apparently, Willie Nelson’s stuffed armadillo was kidnapped in Las Vegas a while back. We have no idea how we missed this important news. Well, it doesn’t matter because it was returned by an anonymous man this week and it’s been shipped back to Mr. Nelson. When this article was discovered Ava crinkled the paper and said, “Who would steal an armadillo?” I asked for more information. She explained the circumstances. I raised my eyebrow at her and said with absolute certainty, “We would totally do that. A - It’s an armadillo, and B – it lotterybelongs to Willie Nelson.” She agreed. That had our earmark all over it. Now that I’ve disclosed this information I want to make it perfectly clear that we’ve not been any where near Las Vegas and we did not force one of our husbands to return an armadillo.

4. Share the wealth people. Calvin and Zatera Spencer of Portsmouth Virginia have won the lottery a whole bunch–1M on a scratcher game this week, another 1M in March on the Powerball, and another 50k in the state lottery in March as well. We’re telling you where they live because we think the smart play here is to buy the tickets immediately kwasi eninbefore and immediately after they do. Maybe some good luck will rub off.

5. Clearly very good at bubbling in on tests. The parents of Kwasi Enin should be very, very proud. This young man applied for and was accepted by all eight ivy league schools.  Harvard, Yale, Brown, Columbia, University of Pennsylvania, Dartmouth, Princeton and Cornell. That is a horrendous feat and one that’s rarely duplicated, if ever it has been. Imagine what that kids test scores look like. And what must his essays say? Do you suppose he wrote eight of them or just sent the same one eight times? As soon as his parents get over their well deserved pride, they should immediately go lie down. The stress over the tuition will be descending on them shortly. We hope they like eating Ramen noodles for the next four years.

 

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