What’s going on in my head. And Ava’s head. She’ll try to tell you it’s not true, but she’s every bit as crazy as I am.
The Sisters are so busy they don’t know what the hell is going on any more. There are books to write on deadline, marketing for new releases, editing chores for the book due out in June. Also, there are plot holes to fix in other books and dresses to sew. Stuff to gather for the Tucson Festival of Books next weekend. Wait! What’s today? Oh Jeez. We’re so busy.
1. Wrapping directions. Our good friend had a birthday this week. We bought her our favorite bottle of wine. Not OUR as in the Sisters, but OURs as defined as the one our friend and we like best. We’re not as selfish as you’d think. Anyway, we also bought a gift bag and a thingy of tissue to make the bag prettier. We would like it mentioned we bought these items in a national chain store that rhymes with Barget only it starts with a T. We did not purchase the wrapping in a store for the mentally deficient. On the back of the package there were instructions on how to install the tissue paper correctly into the bag. Thank Zeus for that. Because we’re nothing if not for the public service announcements, we’ll let you in on the secret. 1) Gather tissue from the center of sheet. 2) Twist bottom of the tissue to hold in place. 3) place tissue in gift bag; repeat steps to fill bag. You all good now?
2. Gambling is fun and apparently not permanent. A Las Vegas gambler who lost $500,000 in the casinos during the Super Bowl weekend is suing the Downtown Grand for loaning him money and allowing him to play while he was blackout drunk. This puts a whole new spin on the phrase, What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, huh? The Sisters are not big gamblers. We’d much rather leave the boys to the table games and we’ll hit the Forum shops in Cesar’s. STill, if we can lose our money and then get it back, we’re much more willing to shoot dice. Bring it on, we say. We’re all in.
3. Mrs. Potato head. Did you know Mrs. Potato head has a first name. It’s Jane. We don’t know if that’s really the name for her. Jane. We know and like several women named Jane, but we don’t know if that’s what you call a potato. We don’t know what her name should be either. Maybe Felicity? Portia? Penelope? That’s the one. We’d have gone with Penelope. Penelope Potato.
4. This gorgeous book. The third book in the Secrets series is available for sale in ebook and paper format at Amazon – follow the link on the top left to purchase it. We’re quite proud of it, and we’re so happy with the cover. It’s embarrassing to toot your own horn, but we’ll do it a little. Toot toot toot!
5. Ellen. Cause we love pizza. And funny photographs. And Ellen. And this dress. And the Oscars. Ava would also like it mentioned that she loves Jared Leto. Alright, alright, alright.
Us clinging to baby lion cubs, that’s what.
God damn it! Who the hell do we have to sleep with, threaten, blow or bribe to get to cling to a lion cub? Give us a name and it’s a done deal. Amylynn’s family has been members of this zoo since for-freaking-ever. We support the hell out of the zoo.
WE NEED TO TOUCH A LION CUB.
We write a very influential blog.
We love, LOVE, LOOOOOOOOOOVE baby lion cubs.
You know what they say about prevention being half the cure? It would probably prevent a scene if we’re allowed to cling to a lion cub for just a minute.
We swear on white cake, a stack of Harper Lee books, and Cary Grant’s grave that we’ll behave ourselves.
We’ll write it down and get it notarized.
It’s up! Imagine the room full of confetti! Click the link and buy yourself an e-copy OR come to the Tucson Festival of Books on March 15 & 16 for a signed copy. I’ll be in booth 107
These little dudes sell themselves. How can our husbands tell us no when we point out that they will mow the grass.
Have you ever seen so much bouncy happiness in your whole life?
God, I hate homework. I thought I was all done with that nonsense when I got out of college. Turns out, no.
Once you have kids, homework starts all over again. This time–joy of joys–you get to start from the beginning. When your kid brings home a tough assignment you wonder to yourself, was I doing this work in 3rd grade, 5th grade, 8th grade–whatever? I am sure we were, but I don’t want to do it again.
Today, my 5th grader–10-years old–was give the assignment to write a full-page essay on Nationalism and why people develop it after a war.
So we discussed Nationalism. We discussed it a lot. Then she discussed it with her father. Where she got stuck was the fact that she had to write an entire page about it. I told her to use lots of words, but really I don’t know if I could fill an entire page about Nationalism and I’m a professional bullshitter. I have to write 55,000 of them by May 15th.
It turns out, I don’t like 5th grade. I don’t even remember that I was especially fond of it the first time around.
The Sisters have been super-duper crabby this week. We had lots of complaints. Lots of them. Ava’s car was in the shop, Amy had banner issues (don’t ask), and the BofNF is an endless source of frustration. We will say that we’ve debated the issue of children long and hard over the last several days and we decided they were a bad idea. There have been a whole host of other problems we don’t have time to get into here. Trust us, aint nobody got time for that. But – here’s the funny stuff you do have time for:
1. Ben & Jerry is obviously God. Have you seen the new Ben & Jerry’s flavors? Oh sweet heaven. The concept is two complimentary flavors with a “core” down the middle of gloriousness. Our favorite flavor is Hazed and Confused – chocolate and hazelnut ice cream with fudge chips and a hazelnut fudge core that tastes like Nutella. Another one has chocolate and peanut butter ice cream with mini peanut butter cups and a peanut butter fudge core. We’re going right now to get some bigger pants. There’s nothing else to be done.
2. So a tiger walks into a bar… Seriously. A man in Illinois was charged with reckless conduct and possession of a dangerous animal when he walked into a bar with a tiger cub on a leash. It seems that he’s the owner of a ranch full of bears, wolves, and, apparently, tigers. There is some rumor that it bit someone. We don’t believe it. We have every reason to think that a leash trained tiger would behave itself in a bar. We’d also like you to note that all the charges were misdemeanors. Misdemeanors don’t even go on your permanent record.
3. Does it make us mean that we hope there’s a curse? A couple in California were walking their dog and stumbled upon 1,427 coins dating from 1847 – 1894. All uncirculated and in mint condition. Some of them are so rare they’re worth a million dollars a piece. All in all, it is expected they’ll fetch over TEN MILLION DOLLARS. All of this in rusty cans buried under a tree in their yard. We helpfully pointed this out when we sent our children into our own back yards with shovels, but they complained anyway. Ungrateful.
4. Best movie review line EVER. This is the headline of the movie review for Son of God–”A Jesus story with a nod to gore.” That’s it. That’s all we have to say about this. It’s plenty.
5. Good for the girl friend. A moron from Florida – of course, Florida – had a spider tattooed to his face. Why? you ask. Why would someone do that? The answer is because he’s a moron. His girlfriend broke up with him over it. Brava! How many stories have you heard of stupid women who put up with this bullshit? Yea! mystery woman from Florida
Hello, I’m Rickey. My full name is Mr. Ricochet Zula. I don’t have a middle name because my mother got out of hand with that when she named her human children and the girl who lives here, being one of the recipients of said middle names, put her foot down.
Thanks to my cousin Joe, over at Amylynn’s house, I was chased down and this red bow was placed around my neck. Did you catch that? My neck. The part I use to breathe through. Now, I’m not saying anyone was trying to kill me but how does it look to you? I immediately tried to remove the offending article to no avail. I went to get the boy who lives here (his middle name is Tiger, I swear, blahahhaaaa) to help me but my crazy staff grabbed me and took this photo. Do I look happy?
Will someone call the authorities, please?
P.S. Joseph here. I wanted to let you know that I am still wearing my very studly green bow tie and I still look quite dapper in it. Rickey is clearly being a very dramatic pure bred. You know how they are.