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August 28

5-things12You might not think of the Sisters when you think “Great Hunter” but you should from now on.  Ava was confronted by a giant-ass scorpion in her kitchen this morning.  As soon as she saw it, she screeched, and we do mean SCREECHED for Ed to come save her but one of her kitties decided he needed to play with it.  So, like any protective momma bear, she sprang into action and single-handedly killed the monster by throwing a wet-wipe over it and stumping it to death with her slippered foot.  Nothing places her furry children in jeopardy. Here’s the funny the stuff we hunted out lion cubsthis week – all of it furry. You’re welcome.

1. Leonine sextuplets. The Sisters can get to Columbus, OH in just under five hours. That should give us plenty of time to bundle up two of the recently born lion cousins in the Columbus Zoo and get back in time before anyone really misses us. Two lioness sisters each had cubs a week apart – twins and quads. We don’t think anyone needs six lions. What the hell are they going to do with six of them? We consider our plan to be a charity move, really. Everyone will be happier. We’ll have two lions and they’ll have a much more lynxmanageable four. We’ve talked about it and we’re pretty sure we can raise a lion cub to love us. We think the trouble is with tigers – they seem a little iffy. Two newborn lions will be a piece of cake.

2. We’re also willing to adopt. The Sisters aren’t only about kidnapping and smuggling. We’re also more than willing to adopt. Mexican officials sent eight lions, two lynxes, a puma, and a coyote to a Colorado wildlife sanctuary. This was the second set of animals they moved to the states. Apparently they were all found mistreated or abandoned. The poor coyote was actually used in witchcraft ceremonies. Abusing animals is reprehensible. They should make a detour. We’re happy to let a lynx or two spend the rest of their life in leisure–laying on the sofas, eating tuna and shrimp. That poor coyote can hang with Winnie the Wonder Mutt panda twinsand The Idiot Dog Roscoe–jumping on the trampoline and barking at the workmen next door.

3. Black and white happiness. Panda twins were born at the National Zoo. The momma panda, Mei Xiang, is letting the zoo keepers switch out the babies every couple of hours so she won’t exhaust herself and reject one of them. How nice, huh? Now we just have to figure out how we can be the people to “switch” out the babies. red panda2You’ve seen those baby pandas, right? They’re tiny, will fit right into a pocket. Also, black is slimming. We don’t know how that fits into the plan exactly, but we thought we’d include it because it’s true.

4. Bill Maher nailed it. follow the link to the video from his August 21st show and fast forward to 1:24. Bill suggests there should be a new rule: Red Pandas have to finally admit they’re really just plush toys because nothing can be this cute. He is so right. Totally and unequivocally correct. They’re the cutest damn thing to walk the planet. Look at that face. Just look at it! Oh dear. This sentiment should totally explain why Ava is no longer allowed in the Brooklyn lionZoo. It’s a long story.

5. One small cautionary tale. Tail? A walking safari guide was eaten by a male lion in a national park in Zimbabwe. This happens to be the same park where that asshole dentist killed Cecil the Lion. It’s possible the lion was protecting his cubs–the guide brought the walking safari group towards a pack of six lions and there were some cubs. It’s also possible the lions had a meeting and they’re not putting up with any more human bullshit. We’ll keep this in mind when we work out our plans for #1 above. Prudence isn’t often a hallmark of Sister activity, but we want a long life with our new fuzzy babies and we’d like to do it with all their limbs.

We’ll keep you posted.

Test number 2. You probably don’t need a pencil

The first one was so popular, I thought we’d do the second test in case there had been any doubt about the results.

Logan’s Run

The Great Outdoors. There’s a sentence you never hear the Sisters using. Unless we’re using it to get the kids to go outside and leave us in peace. Then we make it out like the outdoors are GREAT! “GREAT!” We shout. Go out there and see for yourself!

Tonight, I settled into my Barcalounger with a nice cup of tea and my September fashion magazines (I’m sure you all know that September is THE month for fashion mags – I believe the September issue of Vogue weighs in at 8 lbs this year.) and prepared to happily devour them while watching television. I can’t just read – I have to read and watch TV – I can’t explain that. Anyhoo, I look up and there on the screen are people OUTSIDE. And not in a garden or backyard like on HGTV but OUTSIDE.

Ahhhhh - the Great Indoors

Ahhhhh – the Great Indoors

“What the hell is this travesty?” I say.  I want to mention here that Ed and the girl who lives at my house are crazy, just so you know.

One of the lunatics says and I swear this is true “It’s a new channel called Outside.”

I know, you have questions. I did, too.

“What does that mean?” I ask.

*eyeroll* “It’s about people who go outside and do things. You won’t know any of them.”

“You’re damn right I won’t know any of them. All of my friends work hard so they can keep a house roof over their heads. They’re not OUT there pretending they’re homeless for a camera crew.”

“Be quiet or we won’t let you stay and watch the next show.”

Seriously? What part of this conversation made the girl think I wanted to watch any show on the OUTSIDE channel?

“The next show features all of the new fall fashions for camping, hiking, and such.”

What the hell is that?

What the hell is that?

And she wasn’t kidding – it was sponsored by Vogue. I’m still never going outside for more time then it takes to get to the car but I happily watched the next hour while I read my magazines.

I even ordered a nice blanket you’re supposed to use camping but I’m going to use it on my chair – it’s the perfect shade of red.

For some reason Ed was annoyed. He mumbled something about my super power of being able to shop at any time and anywhere. It’s not my fault it’s fall fashion time and let me remind everyone – I did not select the TV show we watched now did I?

 

I’m wiling to eat a dozen or more until I get a fortune I like

The Sisters love Chinese food. We eat what’s considered Chinese food in the desert where we live, all the while knowing that real Chinese food is made elsewhere like New York City or San Francisco.

Nevertheless, I might be the only person in the entire world who actually likes to eat the cookies. I have no problem at all with eating Ava’s or My Honey’s cookies after they’ve extracted their fortunes.

That’s what brings me to the point of this blog. fortune cookie

I collect the good fortunes and keep them in my wallet. I use them to cover the hideous picture on my driver’s license. I’ve actually had them laminated to protect them from curling and abuse.

Here’s my favorite: Three times a week, treat yourself to dessert.

Isn’t that brilliant? You’d have to be a fool not to follow that advice.

So today at lunch I was all excited to get to my fortune. You never know, this one might tell me that I need to go adopt a kitten or something RIGHT NOW.

Here’s what it said: Visit a park, enjoy what nature has to offer.

What the hell is that crap? Anyone who knows me know I don’t do nature. Nature is something to endure on the way from the house to the car to the mall. I don’t want you to think I’m a complete clod. I appreciate nature – from a window. I adore rain – while I’m inside the house. Snow is great – on a mountain far, far away. I love pictures of nature. I’m happy to watch a movie or television show about nature – especially if there is a fuzzy animal starring in it.

But every time I venture out into real nature I encounter bugs and sunburn and weather. There’s dirt out there. Ick.

No thanks. That must have been your cookie. Give me another one.

Maybe I should have tried “crabby”

My dad needed help from me this weekend. He wanted to shop for a new camera, buy himself some root beer, and other random statler and waldorfstuff that was equally odd. The Bright’s piled into the car and headed out to my brother’s house to see about Pop.

One of the big things I needed to help with was helping him get replacement Medicare and Social Security cards. Lord only knows where he lost his – mostly likely a doctor’s office, but they could be just as likely in his bedroom somewhere.

I went on the Social Security website  to help him out one evening, but that site is scary! There were all kinds of threatening statements made about falsifying documents and identity theft. I took heed and told Dad I’d bring my computer out to him and we’d do it together.

grumpy old menStep One was creating a social security account online. He couldn’t remember his email address, but he insisted it wasn’t a dot com. Because of course it isn’t. In fact he couldn’t remember any of the answers to my questions, so he yelled at me instead.

His favorite reply was, “God dammit, I don’t know!”

That is why, when asked to create a user name, and my husband whispered the following to me, I considered it an excellent suggestion.

Sadly, Grumpyoldman was already taken.

Can you believe that? I suspect I was beat out by other similarly frustrated daughters who thought they’d passively aggressively grumpy cattell their parent to shut the hell up.

Also already taken was Grumpyoldman1938.

It’s a bit alarming, don’t you think? I suspect the people who work at the Social Security office don’t get paid enough if they routinely have to deal with all the Grumpyoldmen out there. Possibly there are at least 1938 of them.

Ultimately, I did manage to assign him a user name: GrumpyoldERman. A nice distinction, eh?

 

August 21

5-things12Sociopath noun A person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience. Of course the Sisters aren’t sociopaths. We fully admit that we are crazy but in a fun way that calls for cake and a great deal of sarcasm. We do happen to know several people who seem to fit into that first category alarmingly well. This makes us unhappy. And confused. There isn’t much to do about it but eat the aforementioned cake and do a lot of whining. We’re sure you can imagine the pitch and shrill nature of this whining. To be truthful, it’s probably closer to the definition of shrieking. Anyway, to the uninitiated cheesethis is probably quite comical. Here’s some stuff that’s perplexing and also funny.

1. сыр. That’s a word. You’d know that if you spoke Russian. We know this to be true because we Googled it. The word is cheese. The reason we bring all this up is because Russian authorities have arrested six people for producing contraband cheese. GASP! The cheese bandits were importing forbidden Western cheese and changing the labels to make them saleable in Russian markets. We wonder what this tells us about Russian cheese. Are we talking brie? Camembert? We figure there are wallarooplenty of reasons for the Russians to hate America, but if they want to really find something to despise, then American Cheese – those nasty little cellophaned squares – surely fit the bill, icky little things.

2. Wallaroos! There are two missing beasties in our town that have the Sisters all a buzz. Two wallaroos named Bouncy and Bumper. A walleroo, for those who have no idea, is a cross between a kangaroo and a wallaby. They got out of their yard and have been running amok for the last several days. Ava called Amylynn a liar when she alerted her of this fact. It seemed too good to be true. We assure you this is not a practical joke. We’re dying to grab ourselves some shopping bags and go Roo hunting. It turns out Arizona allows us to have kangaroos if we get the proper permits. We can find anything on the internet, so we’re notChipotle science worried. Honest to Zeus, we promise if someone will let us have a walleroo we will stop fantasizing about prehensile porcupines and wee mountain goats.

3. Chipotle King. So there’s this scientist who loves Chipotle almost as much as Ava does. Frankly, it’s unfathomable, but there you have it. He decided he needed to decipher how to get the biggest possible burrito for his money so he set about it scientifically. Over the course of a week or so he bought like 30 burritos all with different ingredient combinations and dissected each one to determine the perfect ratio. He managed to make a burrito that had double the contents for no more money. This seems like such an incredible waste of time and effort for a bunch of nasty Chipotle. Dammit, Amylynn gets quite enough Chipotle already. Why, oh why, won’t this heidiklumman use his powers for good? Send him to Dairy Queen and perform of the righteous and work all that out for a Blizzard.

4. Heidi. Amylynn has long said she wants to be Heidi Klum when she grows up, now more than ever. You know Donald Trump has been in the news lately. He can’t seem to stop saying stupid things. The latest was most heinously directed toward the fabulous Ms. Heidi. He had the balls to say that she isn’t a 10 anymore. Can you imagine the hubris of a man with that hair saying such a thing about Heidi effing Klum? Us either. That’s why her response is so jared and tomoutrageously perfect. Heidi is brilliant, gorgeous, and FUNNY. Take that Donald.

5. Jared and Tom update. Ava still has her thing for Jared Leto, although she does disapprove most of his film choices. Why, she wants to know, can’t he pick a nice romantic comedy where he can just be pretty instead of all these weird films? Take for instance Suicide Squad. We can’t tell you how excited we were when it was originally announced that Tom Hardy and Jared Leto were going to be in a movie together. We nearly peed with excitement, but then Tom backed out and much of our excitement waned. Jared is still running around acting all Joker-y, sending his cast mates weird presents like live rats and bullets. Tom on the other hand is going to be in a film coming out later this year where he plays twins! AND he manages to do this without wearing bizarro makeup, bejeweled teeth and prancing around like a lunatic. Tom’s team totally wins!

And my hair looks like crap

You know what I need.

This.

It’s been a long, long week.monkey combing hair

Maybe if you didn’t put the new Julia Quinn book out on Tuesday

The Sisters work in an industry where people spend a great deal of the time in a panic. Understand that this is self-book store 2induced panic, not related in any way to any real life or death situation. This does not stop people in my industry and its periphery from FREAKING THE HELL OUT!

Sadly, we can be the most competent people in the world and when we sense someone’s freak out coming, and we know it’s gonna be bad, we turn into a complete jelly fish with a heart condition. It can’t be healthy. We’re 100% certain we’re damaged in the head for going back into this industry. There are days we’d consider doing almost ANYTHING if book store catsomeone offered us a job doing it and we could get the hell out of where we are.

We’ve long had this fantasy of owning a book store. A lovely little shop with lots of windows, tables to sit at for hours, lots of outlets for your laptop. We’d have a shop cat, of course. Maybe a dog. Who knows. The place would smell of paper, bindings, coffee and pastries.

And you know what? We can’t imagine anything that would happen in a book store that would put someone in a panic. Except maybe a fire. There is nothing that occurs in a bookstore that anyone would freak out over. It’s a wonderful place. A womb with things to read and maybe a nibble. A place to be content.

Sounds like heaven.

 

In case you were concerned

I love tests, especially ones that don’t mean anything. I’m hyper competitive about things, especially stupid things. I just can’t help myself.

Here’s a test we can all pass. I think. I don’t know, maybe you don’t do these things. If so, I doubt we can be friends.

Also, inside is where the air conditioning is

I know you think we’re crazy over here at the Quill Sisters. We are, but not for the reasons you think. The reason I mention this is because I’m going to bring up something that makes me sound a bit like an alarmist. Maybe I am, but this is some alarming stuff.plague

The Sisters have long had the opinion that going outside is bad news. Everything out there is trying to kill you. I have more proof.

Outside is where squirrels are. Sure, squirrels seem awfully cute with that fluffy tail and quick, smart eyes but things aren’t all as innocent and adorable as they seem. Don’t be drawn in by that tail.

Several — meaning two — squirrels have died in Yosemite National Park from PLAGUE. We brought this up just last week and there was some disbelief out of some of you. It’s true. The plague

That is a magnificent tail, but NO!

That is a magnificent tail, but NO!

is still alive and taking down rodents. We’re very happy to tell you that the campground has been closed to spray for fleas, but not before a child was hospitalized with the plague. The kid lived — which of course is very good — but still.

PLAGUE.

If that wasn’t enough to convince you not to go outside, I want to tell you about another alarming trend at Yosemite.

A large limb fell off a tree crushing a tent and killing two youngsters inside. The people at Yosemite admit that falling limbs happen all the time, even giving a list of incidents. They’re probably being bounced on by plague-y squirrels.

If this isn’t reason enough to stay indoors, well then, we don’t know what is.

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