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October 24

5-things12We’ve decided we need a vacation. Because we’re not going to have enough unpaid vacation coming up here very soon. Still, a nice jaunt to Fiji or, if we’re thinking domestic, maybe New Orleans or Key West. Maybe Hemmingway’s house will let us stay there since we’re writers. Perhaps if we just show up with our luggage. We understand they have a lot of cats there, too. We love cats. We think this could totally work out. Don’t tell the Hemmingway people anything about this. We think it would be best if we employ the element of surprise. Shhhhhh. shark attackWe’re going to go pack, you giggle about this stuff.

1. Shark! In another story about why we don’t go outside… There have been three shark attack in as many weeks in Maui. We want nothing to do with a shark attack. We barely want anything to do with beaches in the first place – all that sand and sun. ***Shudder*** We defy you to sell us on the addition of a deadly fish as a lure. We don’t supreme court dogsknow about you, but we do enjoy a nice hotel bar and as best as we can tell, there haven’t been any shark sightings in the bar. If one waddles in, we’ll give him a nice drink. A bloody Mary perhaps. You’re welcome.

2. Supreme Court dogs. We’ve told you how much we love John Oliver. He’s adorable. His show is brilliantly funny. For example, last week they created a panel of dogs posing as the US Supreme Court. Then they read the transcripts and the dogs act it out. The one they cast as Ruth Bader Ginsberg is so perfect we can’t even believe it. Go to John Oliver and check it out. Holy cow – this is some funny stuff.Germ choc pancakes

3. Chocolate pancakes. We went to get omelets for lunch. Good healthy omelets. We’re starting a diet. Then we found this – German Chocolate pancakes – Satisfy your sweet tooth with two of our rich, cocoa infused pancakes topped with warm cream cheese frosting, shaved, toasted coconut and candied pecans. Things went badly from there. We ate our omelets because we’re trying to be good. But this thing was white house dogsGLORIOUS. We ate every single bite and then felt sick for the rest of the day. It was totally worth it.

4. Secret Service Dogs. Meet Hurricane and Jordon. They work for the Secret Service protecting the white house. They were the Belgian Malinoise who brought down that guy this week. We learned that no one gets to play with the Secret Service dogs. The minute we found out we rescinded our applications and we’re no longer accepting their calls. We’re not working anywhere they have dogs they won’t let you play with. Just forget it.

5. Underwear? We also learned this week about a religion with it’s own underwear. We don’t like to upset anyone so we won’t name it but we underwearlove a group of people with their own clothing – especially underwear!!! Who does that? We would! And upon further research, we found out they might get their own PLANET. There’s some controversy about that part, but we’re making plans to design our own chonies and get ourselves a planet. We’ll let you know when the big reveal is.

This is why Amylynn always does the driving

Sometimes having OCD can be a bit of a pain. They say most people have at least a mild case of OCD, now a days, due to the constant stress we live under. OCD allows you to believe you have control over something, even if it’s just obsessively washing your hands or refusing to use any gas station other than the one near your house.semi

Today, Ava had to drive to the other office she manages for Bank of No Forks which is over a 100 miles from the city she lives in. The day started out normal enough but on the way to drop of the kids, before heading out, Amy called with the bad news that the only highway Ava can take to where she was going was closed. CLOSED. Who closes an entire freeway? A normal person would just take a different route. But no, not Ava. Ava cannot take a different route. Once the route somewhere is set – that’s the end of that. This drives Amy insane. INSANE. To avoid dealing with the issue Amy insisted Ava stay home. However, Ava is not one to avoid issues.

Ava: (One hour into the trip) Maybe this was a bad idea.

Amy: Ok dumb ass. I warned you.

Ava: Well, too far into it . . . now it’s a quest.

Amy: I warned you before you got on the freeway you dope.

(For those of you keeping track – that’s two “I warned yous” and one “dope”) ***Amylynn here – and one “dumb ass”

 

After Ava finally got there, the abuse continued.

Ava: I’ll have to sleep here. The side of the highway with the accident was a parking lot for miles. I don’t think it will be cleared up by the end of the day.

Amy: You can come home through Florence. It takes you right to your house. It’s super easy.

Ava: I can’t vary my route. YOU know that.

Amy: So you’d rather stay there with no underwear?

 

Yep, Ava would rather stay there with no underwear. That’s how OCD works. Clean hands, trapped in Phoenix, and dirty underwear. ***Amy here again. All of the above text conversation is 100% true. Swear to Zeus.

Panda-monium!

We’ve watched this probably fifteen times today. We’re dissecting every second of the footage. Our conclusion is that pandas are NOT fierce. Seriously. Watch it again. See. Even when they’re climbing that guy like a tree they’re not scary. And we love how that one keeps putting his hands over his mouth to keep the guy from getting the medicine in there.

Our quest for a panda continues unabated. If anything, our efforts are redoubled. Pretty soon we’ll be unemployed with all that free time at our disposal.

Or maybe it’s just because I’m weird

We had a parent/teacher conference with Sassy’s teacher today. I never worry about talking to her teachers because she’s the good kid. She is conscientious, a rule follower. She’s the kid who won a kindness award for crying out loud.

The teacher told us exactly what we expected to hear. All is well in the 6th grade.

A cute weasel, like this one

A cute weasel, like this one

When I was tucking Sassy into bed she wanted to know what the teacher said about her. This kid is also a bit paranoid.

“Well, she did mention a certain aroma from your area.”

Even in the dark, I could see her eye roll. “Uh huh.”

“And that it would be great if you’d comb your hair once in a while.”

Deep sigh. “Right.”

“She also said she secretly thought of you as a weasel.” I giggled. “Probably something to do with the smell.”

“Yeah,” she said, but she didn’t sound like she meant it.

I gasped. “You don’t believe me?”

She looked at me in the dark. “You do have a tendency to make things up.”

Well, that’s true. I do like to make things up.

If you’re looking for a push

Hey – If you read us ’cause we’re funny–THANKS! However, if you want to read what else we write…

Check out the links below. If you’re thinking, nah. I’m not interested in historical romance , take a look at this.

October 17

5-things12So we’re just sitting over here shopping for Hazmat suits. We already ordered our Hello Kitty surgical masks and a gross of Lysol from Amazon. We’ll be honest. That whole Ebola stuff is freaking us out. Ava is so panicked about it, she’s stopped harassing Amylynn to get a flu shot. We thought that would never happen. According to WebMD, we already have Ebola the last time we checked, but we think that may have been a hysterical diagnosis. We’re going to stay on it, though. Because we care about all our readers, we’d like you to stay home and read our books instead

Nope. Wrong booby

Nope. Wrong booby

of interacting with the public. They’re infested with disease, every single one of them. Before we all die, you can laugh at this stuff with us.

1. Boobs or Boobies. We don’t mean boobs as in several buffoons. And not boobies as in blue footed birds. We’re talking about the ones girls have. There’s a car dealer in town giving away free on-site mammograms this weekend. We giggled when we read that in the Picayune. Not only because we’re childish, but also because that just sounds funny. “Bring your boobies and buy a car!” Can’t you just see a really awful local commercial airing on late night, some jackass in a russiacowboy hat yelling that line at you from your TV screen? We totally can. We both need new cars. We both have boobies. We’ll let you know how that works out. Amylynn is hoping for a Lexus.

2. Invitations. The headline reads “2 American journalists invited to leave county”. The county in question is Russia. That’s very polite, don’t you think? In fact, it’s a lot more polite than we’d come to expect from Russia. The Sisters haven’t heard it phrased quite this way before. “We invite you to leave.” That’s super nice, eh? One time Ava was invited to leave the zoo. Seriously. Who didn’t see that coming? Amylynn has been invited to leave places Neiman Marcusbefore, too, but in both instances it was presented a LOT louder and with the proprietor’s angry eyes.

3. It’s Christmas—almost. Neiman Marcus has put out it’s fantasy holiday catalogue. We get super excited about this every year. The offerings include a Maserati for 95k, a lifetime supply of a perfume designed especially for you and a trip to Paris for $475k, a trip for 6 couples to Mardi Gras for $125K, and the one we’re wishing for—a trip for two to Hollywood on Oscar Night and an invitation to the Vanity Fair Academy Awards Ball. It includes pampering at a spa, a clothing budget, and a loan of jewelry. Then you

Try to memorize this, alright

Try to memorize this, alright

get to hobnob with the winners. All for the bargain price of $425K Everyone who’s anyone goes to the Vanity Fair ball. Sadly, we won’t because we won’t have jobs by Christmas. We’ll be lucky if we don’t have to cut off our hair to buy our husband’s watches this year (read your O’Henry).

4. Lay? Lie? We have no idea. Most people have no idea. We’ve managed to memorize the rule on who vs. whom and Amylynn has a lock on then vs. than. Lay and lie stymie us every time. We’ve never found a rule that we could easily memorize because then you have to factor in all the confusing tenses. Apparently the reporters and editors at the Picayune don’t know it either because a gentlemen took the time to write a letter to the editor freaking out about this. He described the screw up “like fingernails on a blackboard.” That seems a bit extreme, but on the other hand you’d think SOME professional over at the paper would have caught that before it went out to the seven people who read that thing. Besides grammar lessons, it would be awesome if the reporters would also REPORT ALL Red LobsterTHE STORY. Just once, we’d like to read an interesting story that didn’t leave us with a thousand unanswered questions. Get on that, won’t you.

5. Shrimpfest. Shhhhh. Did you just hear angels singing? That was the all you can eat shrimp festival at Red Lobster. The Sisters and The World’s Greatest Receptionist went there yesterday for lunch. We ate all the shrimps. All of them. The waitress was afraid to tell us no. We feel a little like Forest Gump relating this story, but we ate coconut shrimp, fried shrimp, shrimp scampi, parmesan shrimp, shrimp with linguini, and Srirachi shrimp (which scared the hell out of Amylynn and Ava). They tried to get us to eat some vegetables, but we said no. We don’t need no stinkin’ vegetables. Down with broccoli! They mentioned asparagus was an upcharge of $2.00, who the hell pays extra for vegetables? Up with shrimp! And cheddar bay biscuits. Send more biscuits. AND ANOTHER ROUND OF SHRIMP!

Wanted

We’ve been thinking about this joblessness thing. We’re a little freaked out about our limited possibilities so we keep coming up with alternative solutions. Thus that stalking thing from yesterday.

We figure we need to create our own new jobs.

We thought the first thing the Sisters and the World’s Greatest Receptionist should do is put an ad in the paper. Something like this:

Wanted: Donations to keep us out of the job market. Keep us together so we don’t ruin three other lives. Seriously, if we’re exposed to other people things could go sideways real quick. Trust us, no one needs that kind of trouble. Save yourselves.

If that doesn’t work out, how do you feel about any of these ideas?

We thought we’d start our own church. We’d expect tithing. There would be cake and cookies at every service. We’d get cool pope-like hats. You could all be deacons.classifieds

OR

Sarcasm Grams. Like singing telegrams only without the singing and a LOT more snark. We’d call ourselves The Surly Wenches and we’d show up and tell people off for you. This could be a thing, right?

OR

The authors of a Dear Abby style column only we’ll say it like it is. There’ll be a lot of “What the hell is wrong with you?” and “Dump his/her ass” or “Are you retarded?”

We’re willing to take suggestions from you, Dear Internet. Just to be clear, though, these are things we’re NOT interested in:

Anything with children.

Anything dealing with stupid people. We understand this narrows the field. Vastly narrows the field.

No crazy people. We’ve done that already.

If we’re in an office we’re going to need the bathroom near by. In our current office, we have to walk practically 75 miles to get to the bathroom. We’re kinda lazy about that and we’re tired of it.

Okay – let us know what you come up with. Despite our above wish list, we’re really open to a lot of options.

 

This is how we’ll end up in jail and pandas have nothing to do with it

Our layoff from Bank of No Forks is looming closer. We don’t know what to do with ourselves since there are no paying jobs to be had in this town.

The World’s Greatest Receptionist thinks we should consider being MMA Ultimate Fighters but frankly Amylynn is much too small for that. Besides, she talks a hell of a game but she’d tap out the INSTANT the ref yelled, “Go to war!”

Totally true. Instant tap out. She’s fragile.

Amylynn could be the Official Shit Talker of team QuillSisters, but that’s the entire extent of her badassedry. Perhaps Ava can be the promoter.

We decided it would be a lot less painful and a lot more fun to be professional stalkers.

Here are our subjects based on the Sisters and WGR current Hollywood crushes

Henry

 

Jared

 

Tom Hardy winking

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