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Shut up, Amylynn, he has an Oscar

“We told you once before that we’d watched the worst movie in the history of cinematography. That had been a bold-faced lie. LIE.

Ava made us watch Alexander (2004) because Jared Leto is in it.

We beg you to save yourselves two hours and forty-five minutes of torture and don’t watch it. You think, “So many outstanding actors are in it, how bad could it be?” Let us give you a few ideas of exactly how bad it is.

All the togas are WAY too short. WAY TOO SHORT. We think they must have gotten an amazing deal on white sheets from Sears. There are several instances where we’re certain the costume people stole the bathrobes from the local Hilton. And at one time Alexander is wearing a sheer peignoir. We swear to Zeus.

“How is the hair?” you ask. ABYSMAL. Who exactly thought Colin Ferrell would look good as a blond? He doesn’t. (Ava here – Jared’s hair looks

Pretty, pretty Jared Leto

amazing because it’s his.)

Also, the blood used in the fight scenes looks like they stole the ketchup from Craft services. And there is some bizarre yellow substance that might have been mustard. Who knows? We surely don’t.

We can’t explain why approximately 24% of the cast had one eye. Seriously, we’re not making that up. Lest you think the costume people weren’t on top of their shit – one scene contains a drawn on eyeball on a blind man.

Every single actor in it has outstanding eyeliner. Especially, Jared.

We never could understand what accent they were using. It seemed to alter from scene to scene. Angelina Jolie starts out with an Italian accent and at some point it morphs into Russian.

It's all fun and games until Val Kilmer loses an eye.

It’s all fun and games until Val Kilmer loses an eye.

Oliver Stone was apparently on hallucinatory drugs when he conceived of this. We think all of the famous actors signed on because of the other famous actors who signed on. Anyway, that what we assume Christopher Plummer was thinking. Then they spent the remainder of their time together drunk.

The gorgeous horse committed suicide by spear just to get out of the damn thing. We would have too.

Ava here – Jared dies at the end. It’s a horrible death scene but Jared still looks good anyway. I stopped watching at this point because what was the point after that? Amylynn here – it IS a horrible death scene and Jared does NOT look good in it. They made him die with his eyes open with horrific makeup. A travesty.

The disc informed us that at 2 hours and 47 minutes it was shorter than the theatrical version. WHAT THE HELL DID THEY TAKE OUT? What was so much worse that the director was embarrassed to include it? Oliver Stone needs a slap.

We’re certain he’s deeply concerned

The Sisters are shunning George Clooney. We really wanted to be happy for him and his lovely new bride Amal Alamuddin. Therein lies the crux of

Aman Hotel where they got married. We'd LOVE to stay here.

Aman Hotel where they got married. We’d LOVE to stay here.

the problem.

George actually got married. He actually did it.

We’re so proud of his choice, too. Amal is a lovely, brilliant woman. That was one of our favorite things about Georgie. He pretty much always had well-chosen ladies–not twinkies, and that’s admirable. We’re certain

This was probably his expression when he found out we're pissed.

This was probably his expression when he found out we’re pissed.

there were plenty of twinkies throwing themselves at him.

You see, we greatly admire George. We greatly admire Amal.

Where the hell was our invitation?

Venice, Italy is in the top three places the Sisters want to go–right up there with Rome and Paris (half of us have already been to Paris and the other half is pissy about it.) But Venice. Oh Venice.

We would have brought a lovely present. Probably something from Tiffany. Well, at the very least something from Bed, Bath & Beyond.

The guest list was amazing but the one celebrity that made us go WHAT!!! was the arrival of John Krasinski–Jim from The Office. And Bill Freaking Murray.

You know what we got to do this weekend? NOT A GOD DAMNED THING.

And now we’re not speaking to him.

 

 

September 26

5-things12Amylynn has a cold that will certainly progress to bubonic plague by the weekend. Ava doesn’t seem to care. She’s gonna care when there’s no one to drive her around on all her errands. Like to Chipotle. If Amylynn dies, you can be assured that the stock price of Chipotle will go down considerably simply because Ava won’t be able to eat there ninety times a week. Just like Joan Rivers, Amylynn has made her funeral wishes well known. She want’s mourners and wailers at the grave site–even if it that means they have to be hired. Also, a New Orlean’s jazz band to lead mustache guythe procession. There’ll be cake. Wait – that’s probably why Ava isn’t worried about her dying. There’ll be cake. (Ava here – she’s fine, this is all just drama.) Ah, dammit. Alright, before we get too depressed, let’s talk about funny stuff. Like this stuff.

1. Outstanding facial hair. We found this gentlemen at our favorite café today while the Sisters were working on their writing projects. Amylynn did her best to be surreptitious about taking this picture, but she’s not as stealthy as the World’s Greatest Receptionist, and we suspect he knew it was happening. We really hope you can see the mustache on this fellow. It was glorious. He had it twirled up into two Amy cartoonspectacular curls. And his beard was full and bushy with matching whitest-white hair underneath that cool hat. Wait a minute. He actually might have been Santa Claus on a last minute break before the silly season begins. Dear Santa, please note how good Ava and Amylynn have been. We’ve really been making an effort.

2. The most fun app. As you probably know, the Sisters DO NOT like having their pictures taken. NOT. In fact, it causes us to have hives. And bad attitudes. So imagine our surprise when the WGR showed us this iPhone app, MomentCam, that makes caricatures from your photos. There are a million scenarios and templates to chose from. Basically, all that’s left of emma-watsonour own face is the eyes. Score! And the app was FREE!

3. You go, Hermione! If you haven’t seen Emma Watson’s speech #HeForShe at the United Nations, please go watch it now. It’s not long. What she says is beautiful. We’re raising both daughters and sons, and it would be nice if we were in a perfect world. It turns out that Emma is quite brilliant at celebrity. We’d say kudos to her stylist and yay to her parents. What a cute, smart, lovely young woman. We’ll bet she never rolls her eyes and lykoi2says, “Whatever” to her mother.

4. Werewolf kittens. So guess what. We totally want one of these. No, that’s not true. We want a bunch of these. They are so freaking cute! They’re cat’s with a genetic mutation that causes them to have no undercoat and two different colors of hair – black and white. Additionally, their cute little faces and their feet are often almost hairless, making them look like little wolves. Werewolves more specifically. Who the hell doesn’t want a werewolf kitten? Who? Those people are wrong. We’re so excited about the possibility we can’t even think clearly enough to come up with the right name. Ooooooh, we’re excited.

5. Designer Kleenix. OK, this is a real thing. Seriously. Amylynn went to the store to get more Kleenix. She’s gone through three noses and 47 boxes so far with this cold and she needed another box. She stood in front of Isaac Mizrahithe enormous tissue selection, on the verge of overwhelmed, and looked for a box that promised healing powers of untold magnitude. That wasn’t to be found. We think that’s because the tissue people secretly hate noses. This is what she found instead. Isaac Mizrahi does Kleenix. Does anyone really need this? Before we get all the way on our annoyed soapbox let’s just ask a couple questions. Does Isaac perhaps use a gentle flannel or perhaps a brushed cotton? We’ll take every mean thought back if Isaac is using silk. We think we’d appreciate silk tissues. Wait, isn’t that a handkerchief? (Ava here – this is all drama, she’s fine, really.)

Amy does not suffer fools gladly while Ava loves them

As you all know, the Quill Sisters don’t just write, they also read. A lot.  Sometimes, they’ll read anything they can get their hands on. Which brings me to an essay I read at the back of a fashion magazine. The gist of the story was about rich people and how they spend their money. The essay ends with a story about a man and his issue with gravel. It seems, he does not like gravel driveways because the small bits of rock get stuck in his tires and then make a sound. He does not want to hear this sound – ever. He abhors this sound so much, and this is true, he PAYS a worker(s) to remove the gravel from his tires morning, noon, and night.

What is really funny about this story, besides the obvious, is how it illustrates that while the Quill Sisters think and act very similar, we do have differences. I read the end of the story to Amy and she laughed and was glad she never met this man because she would not behave well in his presence. Amy would just look at him like he was insane – because he is – and be on her way.

The HORROR - but don't worry, he ends up happy

The HORROR – but don’t worry, he ends up happy

I, on the other hand, would question him about every aspect of his gravel hate. Did the hate come on gradually or slowly, rock by rock? How much does one pay to remove gravel from ones tires? Is it an hourly job or salaried? Is there just one person who does it? Is that all the person does? If the man is busy and it’s noon does he stop what ever he’s doing and go home to the “rock remover”? Does he think there are enough people like him to necessitate inventing a tire that repels gravel? What happens if he losses his fortune and has to file bankruptcy like Donald Trump – does he get over his problem or does he pick the rocks out himself? Does he consider this to be the teenage white-girl problem that it is? Can you write the cost off on your taxes? Can we see the operation performed?

Here’s what happens at the end of these situations as Amy is grabbing my arm, hard, and steering me away:

Amy – Why do you do that?  That man is clearly insane and you just encouraged him.

Me – Are you kidding? When are we ever going to meet another crazy person like that again?! When he dies, gravel haters will be extinct and then we’ll never get our questions answered. He needs to be a character in one of your books.

Amy – Who’re you kidding? You chatted him up to annoy me. Admit it, you did.

Me – Here’s the plot. Man hires boy, who is really a girl, man discovers ruse, falls in love with her due to her amazing gravel removing skills, and they live happily ever after. It’s called “Gone with the Gravel”.

You’re welcome, Amy.

Send Puffs with lotion–STAT

I have a really bad cold and I blame the kids. You know them, the bringers of plague. cold2

Anyway, my nose is raw and alternately pouring out snot like a faucet or as dry as James Bond’s martini.

My throat is killing me.

My eyes are itchy and they burn, and I’m pretty sure the last time I blew my nose something icky came out of the left eye.

I have a headache.

And I’m crabby.

When I’m dead, you’re all going to be sorry you were mean to me.

 

We apologize in advance

The World’s Greatest Receptionist and I went to an actual video rental store today. We simply couldn’t wait any longer for Dexter’s final season to arrive from Netflix.

We’d forgotten that an actual rental place still existed, but it totally does!

So WGR and I jumped in Dave and sped a little over a mile to the store. We were greeted with the smell of popcorn.Dexter-plastic-

A DVD rental store with fresh popcorn?

Guess what else they had? Guess. You’re never gonna guess, so I’ll tell you. They had beer on tap.

ON TAP!

That’s exactly what we thought.

We did not partake in the beer, though we wanted to. We do enough nonsense at work at Bank of No Forks without actually drinking on the job. That’s an invisible line we’ve not crossed. Invisible lines are super tricky.

Anyway, we entered that store like the whirlwind we are–alarming the other patrons and befuddling the staff. The gentleman who assisted us handled us better than most. Even when we suggested that the best solution for dealing with stupid people, of which we ALL agreed there are many, was to punch them in the throat. WGR disclosed it was actually a pretty tough thing to accomplish. Have you ever tried to punch someone in the throat? People are cagey about their necks in general.

ANYWAY

We didn’t threaten anyone in the store. In fact, we love those people and we’re 100% certain that they’re thrilled to receive our business. On a continuous basis. Since we travel in a small gang.

Just keep the free popcorn coming and maybe we’ll stop in for a beer in the afternoon.

How about if we pay for shipping?

I’m writing this tonight on my iPad because my laptop is going through a major overhaul due to corrupted files and some malware. THE HORROR! Anyway, I don’t know that I’ll get it back tonight. Bummer. My hero and heroine are desperate for me to get back to screwing up their lives.

So I’m watching television and screwing around on other devices. Something caught my attention. Imagine how shocked I was that I got distracted.

Anyway – here’s what’s up.

HI! I'm totally not noxious, I assure you.

HI! I’m totally not noxious, I assure you.

I understand from one of my primary supplier of current events, John Oliver of Last Week Tonight, New Zealand is being overrun by wallabies. They are calling them “noxious animals.” I haven’t discussed this with Ava yet, but I’m fairly confident that she’ll support any plea for any animal I come up with, just as I would if the situation were reversed.

Here we go.

“Dear New Zealand,

Please send two “noxious” wallabies. We need two because there are two of us and we wouldn’t want them to get lonely. We will take very good care of her. Or him. Or them. Any wallaby will do. I think the names Rosie and Linus are excellent names for wallabies.

Sincerely,

The Quill Sisters – Amylynn and Ava Bright (we’re totally sane – our mother had us tested)”

 

 

September 19

5-things12

Well, the news reports that we were going to be washed away were greatly exaggerated. We’ve put away the life jackets and we’re using our sandbags to build a fort. It’s a no boys allowed fort unless you’re Johnny Depp, Tom Hardy, Robert Downey, Jr, Neil Degrasse Tyson, or the ghost of Christopher Hitchens. If you are any of those people we implore you to call us immediately. We have your ID cards ready for the Quill Sisters Honorable Mention Society. We’re picking up our mascot very soon. We can’t tell you what the mascot is or where we’re getting it from that way you’ll have plausible deniability when Interpol comes to question you. Here are somequattroporte-ermenegildo-zegna-limited-edition_100458294_l other funny things.

1. The Official Automobile of the QS. Behold! The Maserati Quattroportte Ermenegildo Zegna Special Edition. We went to the Maserati website and built just a regular Maserati, not a special edition version–just your run of the mill Maserati–and it cost $130,000. Ours will be blue with brown leather interior and we shall name him Gianni. (Ava here – I’m getting the limited edition model.  It’s $175,000 but I think Ed would want me to have it.) We’re not allowing any children in Gianni. Children refuse to respect the Maserati. YOU WILL RESPECT THE MASERATI. You know there are some things the Italian really have a grasp hillary's elephanton–sports cars and prosciutto. No — not even if you’re one of the honorary members listed above–you many NOT eat prosciutto in the Maserati.

  • 2. The best seat saver ever. At New York Fashion Week this year, the Oscar de laRenta show hosted this adorable elephant in every single chair with a letter form Hillary and Chelsea Clinton urging them to support the Wildlife Conservation Society, the Nature Conservancy, and Conservation International who are working so hard to protect wild elephants. 96 elephants a day are killed by poachers for their ivory. That’s reprehensible. We love elephants. If anyone at the de la
    boa constrictor

    Julius Squeezer

    Renta show doesn’t want their cutie elephant, send it our way. We’ll love it and keep it and name it Lollipop.

3. Another alarming reason not to go outside. This time things are running amok in Nampa, Idaho. There is a 9-foot Columbian boa constrictor on the loose. What the hell a 9-foot boa is doing in Idaho, no one can answer other than to say it escaped from its cage. What they will tell you is that it last ate three weeks ago. How often do these things eat? What do they eat? Prince HarryAuthorities urged anyone who sees it to call the police and NOT try to catch it themselves. Okay. Can they out slither a Maserati?

4. Prince Harry, Prince Charming. Prince Harry was attending the Invictus Games Closing Ceremonies. He had met several of the athletes over the course of the games including Adam Nixon, the team captain for the Great Britain wheelchair basketball team. The Foo Fighters played the closing ceremonies and Harry noticed that Mr. Nixon’s five-year-old girl couldn’t see the band because she was too short. Harry scooped her up and plopped her on his shoulders and they danced that way for the remainder of the show. Now of course, little Isabelle is cronutcompletely and unabashedly in love with Harry, even now insisting that she’s a real princess. She’ll be ruined for all other men.

5. Early donut orders. So we were sent to Basha’s with the corporate credit card for croissant donuts this morning. They only had one left. We flung ourselves on the floor, right there in the bakery, in front of the glass display cabinets, and had a fit. The clerk was completely nonplused. She quietly put the orphan croissant donut in a box then called for security. As they were taking our picture to put on their employee bulletin board under the Prohibited Patron section, she suggested that we could call ahead on Thursday to order our donuts ahead of time. Of course now we have to find someone else to go pick them up.

Sigh…such a let down

So last week we got soooo much rain in one day. So much rain. I’ll not lie to you. It was exciting. Desert people get giddy when it rains. And honestly, we have such blasé weather that anything out of the ordinary makes us excited. That much rain in such a short amount of time is a recipe for light-headedness.

That looks...scary

That looks…ominous

Imagine how excited we were when the second round came up. This week the newscasters lost their ever-loving minds over the impending storm. Hurricane Odile was coming. We watched the Doppler radar and the internet notifications with laser intensity. A massive sandbag creation effort was launched by the city. Officials begged us to stay in our homes – apparently the homes that were going to be shortly under water. A dude from the Weather Channel came to town, excited and  woozy from what was sure to be a biblical storm. They assured us on Tuesday of an 80% chance of rain, 100% that night, and 100% all day Wednesday.

100%.

They were talking crazy – like up to 6 inches expected. Do you have any idea what 6 inches of rain in a one or two-day period would do to our area? You can’t discount the previous week’s rain already saturated the ground so this new dousing wouldn’t even soak in. The bridges would all be closed, and there was a serious possibility – if all this came to fruition – that bridges, streets, houses would wash away. Seriously.

More of this, they said

More of this, they said

Perhaps we’re all loony down here in the desert, but all the activity took on a carnival atmosphere.

Nothing happened on Tuesday. The sky was ominous and we could smell it in the air, but nary a drop of significance fell. We felt a bit let down, but we knew it was coming. The people in the know updated the forecast and promised an onslaught at 6pm.

When we left the office, things were clearing up and we could actually see blue sky. What the hell? Still, they promised. They stood there next to the already running river beds that had been dry only the previous week, and looked up at the sky like they expected to find alien space craft up there or, I don’t know, the hand of God or something holding a pitcher of water to dump on us.

100% remember?

We drove home and battened down our hatches. We made chili and stew and homemade soup even though it was hotter than heck and humid. The idea of rain and thunder and lightning and such was making us nostalgic for cooler times.

storm2

There’s a street under there

I was up until 3am writing that night and I checked frequently for moisture. Nada. Zero. Zip. Zilch.

Wednesday morning. THE BIG DAY. 100%.

“IT’S COMING, PEOPLE. Go get your sandbags.” That’s what the morning news testified. Wednesday our mothers called Bank of No Forks and pleaded with us to go home. One of the nations largest defense contractors sent their entire staff home for fear of what would happen. The schools called parents and promised that they were watching and would notify us of school closures. Bosses communicated that buildings and streets would most certainly become unsafe and employees should be prudent.

The girls at the office all wore our most comfortable clothes and appropriate rubber shoes and we positioned ourselves in front of the office windows and waited. We had our umbrellas poised and ready.

We got nothing. Not a blessed drop.

Honest to god, the entire office was so depressed about it I can hardly explain.

Our faith in weather forecasting was tenuous at best before this ridiculousness. Now – we think they should all be lynched for getting our hopes up.

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