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You don’t know me and what I like

You never will hear the Sisters complaining about a trip to the book store – that’s like going to Disney World for normal folk.  However, there are trips there that are not as fun as others. You’re wondering how that’s possible, right? It’s a book store for Zeus sake. Case in point, a trip to the book store for a book called “Math for Dummies”.

Over at the Ava residence, one of the children that lives there isn’t doing well in math.  I guess you figured that much out on your own. Ava has decided they will learn math together. Ava did not like math the first time around and informed everyone in the household on the first day of kindergarten that all math homework was to be directed at Ed. Ava would handle everything else. This worked for the first child because he thinks math is “fun” and didn’t need Ed anyway. I freely admit right here, in writing, I know something is wrong with a person who thinks math is “fun”.

The girl, on the other hand, not so much. It’s taken everything in Ava not to agree with her and tell her to just do her best and get through it because this is the child who will take that comment to heart and get a “C”. We do not allow “Cs” at the Ava Bright residence. We barely allow “Bs”. Before anyone calls child protective services, know this, the Bright children are BRIGHT – all four of them.  Ridiculously so. Therefore, no “Cs” but I digress.

Ava’s never had an uncomfortable moment in a bookstore until this trip. She stood there perplexed by all of the math books for idiots like herself. She read the first page of one and became nauseous. That required a text to Amy for support and the man behind her to tell her all she needed to do to feel better was turn around because the dog books were right there (they really are).  He must have been the devil (or one the of the girl child’s friends in disguise) trying

What kinda crap is this?

What kinda crap is this?

to break her concentration from buying a math book.  Well, one was selected and taken to the register. Ava was certain this was the worst $25.00 she’d ever spent in her life (Figure it out people – that’s almost 4 romance novels!).

All of this might have been okay if the cashier hadn’t rung her up and along with the receipt handed her another slip which said at the top “Other books you might enjoy”.

WTF?! I’m not going to enjoy this one! Who in their right mind enjoys learning math with a fourteen year old girl for an hour every day. Clearly, the people at Barnes & Noble didn’t think this advertising idea through. What happens if you’re in there buying a book on cancer or a do-it-yourself divorce. The possibilities are endless of books you might need to buy but don’t really want to buy and then they suggest more of the same?

Well, no wonder book stores are constantly flirting with bankruptcy, that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

 

 

I prefer it over geek

I was sent out to refill the popcorn we were all sharing and you know I spilled half of it right in front of that same damn usher. I avoided eye contact. The Bandit wanted to take his friends to see The Age of Ultron for his birthday and its release just happens to coincide with his birthday this weekend. I got tickets a week and a half ahead of time as to avoid selling out. When we checked on Saturday, Fandango said the first five shows were sold out. Whew!

I am certain I was more excited about the film than the kids.Ultron

This morning I told My Honey that I would get to the theater really early to stake out a space in line and ensure a good seat.

Sassy and I each grabbed a book (All The Light We Cannot See for me, and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire for her) and headed off to the theater and hour and a half early. I hoped it was soon enough. I know how my people can be. We have a tendency to show up in droves for events like these.

When we arrived at the usher’s podium I showed him my electronic ticket and explained that I needed to get some of the tickets to my husband when he arrived with the kids.

“You know the film doesn’t start for an hour and a half?” he asked.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “I want to make sure I get good seats.”

“But there’s nobody here.” His eyebrows were all screwed up in confusion.

“Ho,” I said. “I assure you, the nerds are coming. I’m just leading the charge.”

Sassy and I staked out the perfect seats and waited. And waited. And waited some more.  The nerds trickled in but they never came in the droves I was expecting. Very strange. And of course, I looked like an idiot for being there so early.

I should be used to it by now. Looking like an idiot, I mean. It seems to happen a lot.

Later, I was sent out to refill the popcorn we were all sharing. You know I spilled half of it all over the floor right in front of that same damn usher. I avoided eye contact.

When we left, that same guy was still at his post. “Her,” I heard him say and, in my paranoia, I can only assume he was pointing me out for all the rest of the ushers to laugh at.

Thanks a lot, nerd community, for leaving me hanging like that.

 

May 1

5-things12Do you remember when The Sisters complained about not having anything to do at Bank of No Forks? Remember how we were bored? Well, we are bored no more, our friends. The new place is like a lunatic asylum; we’re so busy. One thing that’s nice, of course, is that we’re so busy we’re only aware of time passing when we periodically realize we’re so hungry we could eat our own leg. Sadly, this means that our friends aren’t able to see us for lunch as often as we’d all like, but that will get better once things level out. The good news is we’re still not too busy to mess with people’s heads. Ava’s trying to convince the managing partner in our office that we need a baby alpaca. Or a baby llama. They’re really kind of interchangeable. Anyway, she started with a cat of course, but he’s allergic to cats so an alpaca/llama is the obvious substitution. That’s our latest Jon Tracey Stewartcause — we’ll keep you posted. Here’s some other stupid/funny/ridiculous stuff.

1. Just call us Mrs. and Mrs. Stewart. You know Jon Stewart is retiring from the Daily Show. This makes us so sad. So very, very sad. We figured he was going to sit around his rich New York apartment eating bonbons and chatting up famous people on the internet until he gets so bored he takes up a new hobby of knitting and following his wife around the house pestering her with stupid questions to the point of her threatening him with a ladle to find some friends and get the hell out of her house for at least nine hours a day. Turns out, no. That’s not how it’s gonna be. Jon Stewart and his wife are wormopening a place in New Jersey for rescued farm animals. It turns out our perfect crush is even more perfect. Rescuing farm animals? Seriously? Our stupid husbands won’t even let us have a goat.

2. Weather of biblical proportions. Norway must have done something to anger the gods. We don’t know what it was, but it was pretty epic because the punishment is truly awful. Worm rain. Really. It rained worms. They fell from the sky and landed on the snow up to three feet deep. Ewwww! “It was earthworms wherever I went. There must have been thousands,” said a biology teacher who witness the phenomenon. We don’t even know what to say about this. What does a person do with all these worms? Import chickens? Sell them to trout fishermen? We don’t even know. Do trout eat worms? This nik wallendastory is gross. We apologize for even mentioning this story. Skip to the next one.

3. It’s another name for a whack-a-doodle. Do you know who Nik Wallenda is? He’s from that famous circus family the Flying Wallendas. He’s always doing daredevil stunts like walking on a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and Niagara Falls. This time he’s going to walk, untethered, across the 400 foot high Orlando Eye. It’s a Ferris Wheel. If the idea of walking on a tightrope way the hell up there in the air wasn’t terrifying enough, then add in the Ferris Wheel. Amylynn has a well documented fear of the carnival ride. He’s going to ride all the way to the top Laurel-and-Hardy(eek!), then he’s going to crawl out of the passenger capsule  and walk on the outer rim WHILE IT’S MOVING. So when you wanna know who the hell Nik Wallenda is you can just remember he’s that idiot.

3. We go together like shamalamadingdong.  We can’t say enough how excited the Sisters are to be back together full time again. The only real problem with being together all the time is that we’re horrible influences on each other’s diet. Take for instance today at lunch. Our boss bought lunch because we worked straight through. On the way to the deli to order, Ava informed Amylynn that we would be getting one sandwich to share since we’re going on a diet. Then Ava ordered two pieces of rum cake and was going to order a slice of lemon, too, when things got dicey. We got into an argument in front of the counter mad maxperson because Amylynn wasn’t allowed to eat a whole damn sandwich but she could have two pieces of cake? This is how things go with us. It’s never dull. And our arguments sound an awful lot like they were scripted by Laurel and Hardy.

4. Tom Hardy. We have a bit of a crush on Tom Hardy. Much like the rest of the female population apparently. We don’t even care that he’s short-ish. Amylynn is like a midget (Ava likes to bring this up a LOT) so she’s fine with it. Ava can just wear flats. We can’t even contain ourselves over the cover of the Entertainment magazine from last week. Can you blame us? Look at that! Mad Max has never looked to good.

 

 

It’s May 1st already

what-did-you-just-say

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When did this happen? How did this happen?

Kevin Spacey

 

 

It never became an incident, so that’s a win

So we’re three days into the Sisters Reunion Tour and things are going swimmingly.

Our team is in a bit of a frenzy, deeply behind the eight ball already for the month of May. Maybe Amylynn doesn’t really understand what’s going on, because she’s not nearly as panicked as the rest of the team. Calm down

The leader of our team has a tendency to COMPLETELY FREAK OUT. Amylynn wants to flash her wrist at him all the time, but maybe it’s too soon for that.

Ava had a dentist appointment today. We made a decision not to tell The Man. It would just make him panic and nobody needed that. It was for his own good.

While she was gone, Amylynn and some of the other teammates came up with a whole scheme to make sure he’d never know she was missing.

Her office mate touched her computer keyboard frequently so that it wouldn’t ever go to sleep. He popped into her office about fifteen minutes after she left.

“She’s in the bathroom,” we told him.

Twenty minutes later, he wandered by with a question. “She’s in the kitchen,” we said. We got her a fresh cup of coffee so it would be steaming on her desk.

A little later. “I don’t know,” Amylynn said. “She’s around here somewhere.”

By the time she got back — with gloriously clean teeth — no one was the wiser.

 

We’d like to see this played with a rubber chicken

We love Game of Thrones. We love Sesame Street. And Grover is the absolute best. Where could this possibly go wrong?

The inside jokes are delicious and hysterical. “Sorry, Joffrey, you choked.” Bwahahahahahahaha!

Shenanigans will begin in five…four…three…

We had erroneously reported that Ava was rejoining Amylynn back at Bank of No Forks after the layoffs, but it never came to fruition. It was a dark, dark day. Amylynn cried. Ava cried. There was crying. However, when better things happen you have to run with them.

So Amylynn toiled — alone — in a new position at Bank of No Forks for three torturous months. Ava also toiled alone,big car but somewhere else. We texted A LOT and met for lunch as often as possible. It was never enough. Remember when you were in fourth grade and, when the fifth grade class assignments came out, you and your best friend were split up? Remember how devastated you were? It was awful, and this was back in the days when every single kid didn’t have a cell phone to attach to each other like umbilical cords.

Well, things went back to normal in sixth grade. The planets realigned and everything was bliss again. Except that the teacher kept putting Robbie at our table and he was icky.

Well, the Sister’s are back in sixth grade again tomorrow. As of Monday, Amylynn is at the same company, on the same team, as Ava. No one at this company knows what they have wrought, and we’re not going to tell them. We try to keep things on the down low until we’re firmly ensconced and nearly indispensable. We’ll do what we always do in situations like this. We let the relationship unfold naturally. Pretty soon people will figure out that we’re Sisters, best friends, writing companions, and members of a very small gang.

Bwahahahahaahaha.

April 24

5-things12Today is Amylynn’s last day at Bank of No Forks. There is jubilation. Everyone go eat an éclair in honor of this milestone. She’ll be joining Ava at a different company. This is the source of much rejoicing. Ava is nearly beside herself with glee that Amylynn will be there to lessen her work load. Their new boss is super excited because that means Ava can stop yelling at him, what with her being all distracted with a bright shiny Amylynn and all. The internet as a whole should be excited as the blogs are much better when Amylynn and Ava are together all the time. As of now, we’re only together for lunch two or three times a week. Not nearly as much great stuff happens over three hours a week. So, World, be airplaneforewarned. The shenanigans will now recommence! This was a great week for goofy things in the news. Prepare yourself. Here we go.

1. Who exactly was the problem? A woman was removed from a Southwest Airlines flight to New Hampshire for “causing a disturbance” after “poking” a snoring passenger with a pen. Alright, let’s think about this for a minute. We’re betting if this person was snoring anything like Amylynn’s husband snores, he was the one “causing a disturbance.” So imagine you’re flying in a cramped tube with a kid staring at you from over the seat in front of you for three hours. You’ve been jostled, glared at, and insulted ever since you arrived at the airport. The beverage cart has rammed you in the elbow twice. You spent a fortune on a seat that’s too small and doesn’t have enough room for your knees. Now, to top off all these indignities, the jackass next to you is snoring. Loudly. You cleared your throat with as much intent as possible. You nudged him with your elbow. You coffee parrotwhacked him with your knee. Now you’ve had it, and you jab the crap out of him with your pen. The Sisters can see how this went sideways real quick.

2. There’s a punchline here somewhere. A woman in Pennsylvania (we find the best automobile stories from PA!) blamed her car wreck  on her pet parrot. She said the bird distracted her just before she crashed into the guard rail by trying to break into her coffee cup. As I read this story, I fully expected there to be no actual “bird”, but lo and behold, there was. The police found bird seed in the adjacent cup holder and feathers in the seat. Apparently, the bird loves coffee. So what the heck? Give him a nice latte. The woman broke her arm and had lacerations on her face from the airbag. Don’t worry, the bird was “safely removed from the vehicle.” Do you supposediamond they stopped off at the Starbucks on the way to the ER?

3. Yes, please! Get a load of this. Can you believe how gorgeous this stone is? This, our friends, is a “perfect” 100-carat-diamond. It’s an internally flawless, D colored stone. It just sold for $22 million dollars at Sotheby’s. Ava wants to know if it looks fake in real life. It looks fake in this picture, so probably. Amylynn once put on a $250k diamond at Tiffany in The Bellagio in Las Vegas and that one looked fake. You know what, though? We’re totally cool with owning a ring that looks fake. We’ll know it’s not. When we run away with Tom sheepdogHardy and Jared Leto, we’re going to get this ring and trade off wearing it. We’re Sisters. We can share.

4. Don is a lousy name for a dog. Don the Sheepdog is causing a ruckus in Scotland after he drove his master’s car down a hill and onto a highway. Apparently, his owner, a farmer, left Don sitting in his SUV when he got out to inspect some lambs. He swears on all that’s holy that he left the parking brake on. Whatever, Farmer Tom. It seems that Don the Sheepdog has recently developed thumbs and was able to steer the vehicle through a fence, down a steep hill and across the M74 motorway, missing other vehicles and hitting a security barrier. Can you

Remember, safety first!

Remember, safety first!

imagine when you go to yell at the crazy driver who almost killed you and there’s a goofy dog in the seat? There’s a joke here about Ava and her driving skills, but we’re too classy to make it. (Ava here – working on making an offer to purchase “Don the Driving Dog”. Don’s a fine name for a dog if he drives you around.)

4. Maybe he thinks he’s a cat? A sea-lion pup has been safely returned to the beach after sheriff deputies found him trudging along the highway more than a quarter-mile onshore. (How is it possible that the Sisters never find a sea-lion pup or a red panda anywhere? How is that possible??) He wasn’t afraid of people when the officers approached him, probably because he was recently rehabilitated at the Marine Mammal Center in the San Francisco Bay area. He kept rubbing their legs like a pet dog and, we assume, grinning. He’s seems like a happy little dude. He joyfully jumped in the back of the patrol car. And, we assume, stuck his head out the window and barked with glee when they drove him home to the ocean. No news on whether they named him, but we’re also stating unequivocally that Don is also a lousy name for a sea-lion.

I am not in jail so that’s good I guess

Remember, I had to show up for jury duty today or risk a bench warrant for my arrest. I mean, jeeez! So, fine, I showed up. I had to be there at 7:30 in the morning. That meant not only was I sleepy but I’d had no coffee and no breakfast. This was not an auspicious start.

Don’t you know that I was immediately selected for a panel. We had to trudge three blocks like little ducks to another court and then, because the universe hates me, I was selected to move to the jury box.

I was juror number ten. They were only choosing six, so I figured I had a pretty good chance that I would be eliminated.

We began the interview process wherein the judge — who was named Paul Simon (totally not kidding) — and all the attorneys asked us a million questions. I told them all kinds of stuff about me I hoped would persuade them to hate me. I told them I work in finance, that I’m a comedy blogger, that I’m a published author. I told them I read all the newspapers (The Times, Wall Street Journal, local papers, the ENTIRE internet). As a regular human I would have found that incredibly annoying. I told them I walked in on a home burglary. They informed us the defendant was charged with DUI. I informed the court I have a relative with a DUI. I told them I was only available for one day (more on that reason next week!).

I was pretty sure I was golden.

The universe had other ideas. I was selected. Seriously. Of all the people they had to choose from, ALL of the attorneys asked for me. WTF? Ava said that it was my own damn fault for acting smart.

I was given a notepad and a pen. I took extensive notes. People looked at me weird while I scribbled furiously, but Vincent Gambinihonestly, you put a writer in a jury box, notes are going to happen. I wrote down e v e r y t h i n g.

We were instructed a gazillion times that the state had to provide PROOF BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT to find the defendant guilty.

This is what I know beyond a reasonable doubt –

  • I’m entirely too fidgety for a jury. Everyone else on the jury was able to sit still like an adult. Not me. Fidget fidget fidget.
  • The judge didn’t wear a robe. Isn’t that the best part of the judge job? The wardrobe? I’d have insisted on the robe.
  • The defense attorney thought he was a comedienne. I swear to god during his opening statements he invoked the movie My Cousin Vinny using the line, “The two yutes”. I assure you he is not a comedienne. He was not funny. He irritated the hell out of me. He got the blank death stare when he directed a funny to the comedy blogger.
  • I told the court I was freaked out about missing Friday at work if the trial ran over. It’s true, I was, but what I was really freaked out about was missing my hair appointment. Those things are hard to get.
  • I discovered somewhere about the 37 minute mark of the trial that I had an enormous zit brewing on my chin. I then became obsessed with that.
  • The defendant had a very foreign name – one of those with way too many consonants and not enough vowels from the general area of Eastern Europe. I became very interested in learning the correct pronunciation, but I never learned it.
  • The judge instructed us that the jury members could write notes to the judge to ask questions. I really, really, REALLY wanted to do that, but I couldn’t for the life of me come up with a question that wouldn’t get me yelled at.
  • I found it absolutely fascinating that the oath given to the witnesses did not include swearing to God.
  • Whenever the lawyers had a side bar with the judge, he turned on a white noise machine. It sounded like static and it totally cracked me up every time.
  • There was extensive time taken over the prospect of field sobriety tests. I have very deep concerns that I could not pass a FST even on my soberest day. Walking heel to toe and a one-legged stand? Nope. I’ll bet Ava couldn’t do it either.
  • When the criminologist took the stand they actually made her do math during her testimony. She had to pull out a note-book and a calculator and figure out blood alcohol levels in front of an audience. My stomach got woozy on her behalf.
  • Every time one of the lawyers finished with statements or a witness ended their testimony I had to sit on my hands to keep from applauding. It just felt like the polite thing to do.
  • During the testimony, we learned that the judge was deaf in his left ear. Really. I guess there’s nothing wrong with that, but it seemed interesting, and I pondered it for quite a while when I should have been listening about chemical tests that no one was disputing the validity of.

jaywalkingWhen we were sent to lunch I made a point of jaywalking. I was hoping for an arrest because it would get me out of the rest of the trial. I don’t think they can yell at you for that, can they? I mean, jeez, you’re in jail.

Finally, the lawyers rested their cases and the six of us were sent to deliberate.

Guess who was the jury foreman? That’s right. Me. Because I have shit to do. It took less than five minutes.

That, my friends, is how you do jury duty.

 

 

Happy Earth Day!

earth day kermit

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