NEW RELEASES

Novel Engagement
Get your e-book signed by Amylynn Bright
Amylynn's bookshelf: my-books



More of Amylynn's books »
Book recommendations, book reviews, quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists

Archives

If you’re looking for a push

Hey – If you read us ’cause we’re funny–THANKS! However, if you want to read what else we write…

Check out the links below. If you’re thinking, nah. I’m not interested in historical romance , take a look at this.

October 17

5-things12So we’re just sitting over here shopping for Hazmat suits. We already ordered our Hello Kitty surgical masks and a gross of Lysol from Amazon. We’ll be honest. That whole Ebola stuff is freaking us out. Ava is so panicked about it, she’s stopped harassing Amylynn to get a flu shot. We thought that would never happen. According to WebMD, we already have Ebola the last time we checked, but we think that may have been a hysterical diagnosis. We’re going to stay on it, though. Because we care about all our readers, we’d like you to stay home and read our books instead

Nope. Wrong booby

Nope. Wrong booby

of interacting with the public. They’re infested with disease, every single one of them. Before we all die, you can laugh at this stuff with us.

1. Boobs or Boobies. We don’t mean boobs as in several buffoons. And not boobies as in blue footed birds. We’re talking about the ones girls have. There’s a car dealer in town giving away free on-site mammograms this weekend. We giggled when we read that in the Picayune. Not only because we’re childish, but also because that just sounds funny. “Bring your boobies and buy a car!” Can’t you just see a really awful local commercial airing on late night, some jackass in a russiacowboy hat yelling that line at you from your TV screen? We totally can. We both need new cars. We both have boobies. We’ll let you know how that works out. Amylynn is hoping for a Lexus.

2. Invitations. The headline reads “2 American journalists invited to leave county”. The county in question is Russia. That’s very polite, don’t you think? In fact, it’s a lot more polite than we’d come to expect from Russia. The Sisters haven’t heard it phrased quite this way before. “We invite you to leave.” That’s super nice, eh? One time Ava was invited to leave the zoo. Seriously. Who didn’t see that coming? Amylynn has been invited to leave places Neiman Marcusbefore, too, but in both instances it was presented a LOT louder and with the proprietor’s angry eyes.

3. It’s Christmas—almost. Neiman Marcus has put out it’s fantasy holiday catalogue. We get super excited about this every year. The offerings include a Maserati for 95k, a lifetime supply of a perfume designed especially for you and a trip to Paris for $475k, a trip for 6 couples to Mardi Gras for $125K, and the one we’re wishing for—a trip for two to Hollywood on Oscar Night and an invitation to the Vanity Fair Academy Awards Ball. It includes pampering at a spa, a clothing budget, and a loan of jewelry. Then you

Try to memorize this, alright

Try to memorize this, alright

get to hobnob with the winners. All for the bargain price of $425K Everyone who’s anyone goes to the Vanity Fair ball. Sadly, we won’t because we won’t have jobs by Christmas. We’ll be lucky if we don’t have to cut off our hair to buy our husband’s watches this year (read your O’Henry).

4. Lay? Lie? We have no idea. Most people have no idea. We’ve managed to memorize the rule on who vs. whom and Amylynn has a lock on then vs. than. Lay and lie stymie us every time. We’ve never found a rule that we could easily memorize because then you have to factor in all the confusing tenses. Apparently the reporters and editors at the Picayune don’t know it either because a gentlemen took the time to write a letter to the editor freaking out about this. He described the screw up “like fingernails on a blackboard.” That seems a bit extreme, but on the other hand you’d think SOME professional over at the paper would have caught that before it went out to the seven people who read that thing. Besides grammar lessons, it would be awesome if the reporters would also REPORT ALL Red LobsterTHE STORY. Just once, we’d like to read an interesting story that didn’t leave us with a thousand unanswered questions. Get on that, won’t you.

5. Shrimpfest. Shhhhh. Did you just hear angels singing? That was the all you can eat shrimp festival at Red Lobster. The Sisters and The World’s Greatest Receptionist went there yesterday for lunch. We ate all the shrimps. All of them. The waitress was afraid to tell us no. We feel a little like Forest Gump relating this story, but we ate coconut shrimp, fried shrimp, shrimp scampi, parmesan shrimp, shrimp with linguini, and Srirachi shrimp (which scared the hell out of Amylynn and Ava). They tried to get us to eat some vegetables, but we said no. We don’t need no stinkin’ vegetables. Down with broccoli! They mentioned asparagus was an upcharge of $2.00, who the hell pays extra for vegetables? Up with shrimp! And cheddar bay biscuits. Send more biscuits. AND ANOTHER ROUND OF SHRIMP!

Wanted

We’ve been thinking about this joblessness thing. We’re a little freaked out about our limited possibilities so we keep coming up with alternative solutions. Thus that stalking thing from yesterday.

We figure we need to create our own new jobs.

We thought the first thing the Sisters and the World’s Greatest Receptionist should do is put an ad in the paper. Something like this:

Wanted: Donations to keep us out of the job market. Keep us together so we don’t ruin three other lives. Seriously, if we’re exposed to other people things could go sideways real quick. Trust us, no one needs that kind of trouble. Save yourselves.

If that doesn’t work out, how do you feel about any of these ideas?

We thought we’d start our own church. We’d expect tithing. There would be cake and cookies at every service. We’d get cool pope-like hats. You could all be deacons.classifieds

OR

Sarcasm Grams. Like singing telegrams only without the singing and a LOT more snark. We’d call ourselves The Surly Wenches and we’d show up and tell people off for you. This could be a thing, right?

OR

The authors of a Dear Abby style column only we’ll say it like it is. There’ll be a lot of “What the hell is wrong with you?” and “Dump his/her ass” or “Are you retarded?”

We’re willing to take suggestions from you, Dear Internet. Just to be clear, though, these are things we’re NOT interested in:

Anything with children.

Anything dealing with stupid people. We understand this narrows the field. Vastly narrows the field.

No crazy people. We’ve done that already.

If we’re in an office we’re going to need the bathroom near by. In our current office, we have to walk practically 75 miles to get to the bathroom. We’re kinda lazy about that and we’re tired of it.

Okay – let us know what you come up with. Despite our above wish list, we’re really open to a lot of options.

 

This is how we’ll end up in jail and pandas have nothing to do with it

Our layoff from Bank of No Forks is looming closer. We don’t know what to do with ourselves since there are no paying jobs to be had in this town.

The World’s Greatest Receptionist thinks we should consider being MMA Ultimate Fighters but frankly Amylynn is much too small for that. Besides, she talks a hell of a game but she’d tap out the INSTANT the ref yelled, “Go to war!”

Totally true. Instant tap out. She’s fragile.

Amylynn could be the Official Shit Talker of team QuillSisters, but that’s the entire extent of her badassedry. Perhaps Ava can be the promoter.

We decided it would be a lot less painful and a lot more fun to be professional stalkers.

Here are our subjects based on the Sisters and WGR current Hollywood crushes

Henry

 

Jared

 

Tom Hardy winking

Best camping trip ever – thanks to something fuzzy

I went camping. Yes, I did. I pinched my hand, dropped two heavy things on my toes, and stabbed myself in the finger.

I also had a great time with my friend Jill.

The weather was gorgeous.

Is this not the cutest face EVER?

Is this not the cutest face EVER?

All the children got along – mostly.

I wrote one and 1/2 chapters and read an entire book.

The Bandit caught two fish – one of them entirely on his own. Sassy and her friend were besides themselves with frustration until finally, they burst into the trailer squealing that they’d FINALLY caught a catfish.

Thank God, because I didn’t want to hear another year’s worth of whining about that.

After we left the camp ground, we stopped at a little festival in the tiny town of Patagonia. That’s where this happened.

This is really the first Alpaca I think I’ve petted. I could stick my fingers into the hair all the way to my top knuckle before I met the body. They’re SO FUZZY!

alpaca2aThe lady at Thunder Mountain Alpaca Ranch told us that they love to kiss and rarely spit.

Tell that to The Bandit who took a faceful of Alpaca spit.

I don’t care. I still want one.

 

October 10

5-things12Day 2 of the great camp-off and no one is happy. Amy’s not happy, Ava’s not happy, so no one is happy. Well, there might be some happy folks in Canada but that’s about it. Oh, and puppies, puppies are happy. Pharrell Williams is happy, everyone knows that so it hardly counts. But the Sisters are unhappy, make no mistake. These tidbits did make us smile. We smiled but we did not laugh, there was no laughing because we’re – say it with us – unhappy.turtle

1. International Smuggling Rings. The Detroit Zoo is caring for 1,007 tiny turtles that were confiscated by officials in the airport. The poor little things were crammed into empty cereal boxes, rubber snow boots, and, confusingly, into a Canadian man’s pants. Yes, his pants. Now what the hell made him consider stuffing them into his pants? How does one walk with upwards of 500 turtles in your pants? We’re guessing they wiggle, at least a little bit. Ok, let’s get passed this bad decision and circled back to the beginning. This guy was arrested as part of an international smuggling ring. Really? How huge is the turtle black market in Canada? How much

Sadly, not the actual bears

Sadly, not the actual bears

does this pay? The Sisters are getting laid off and we’re looking for a lucrative option.

Look at this face!

Look how happy he is!

2. Baby bear rescues. Two bear cubs were rescued from inside a tree. People heard them crying and finally saw their little snouts sticking out of a hole in a cottonwood tree. We have all kinds of visions of Winnie the Pooh and a pesky bee hive. While the Department of National Resources was figuring out how to cut the babies from the tree, a super nice lady fed them watermelon so they wouldn’t get dehydrated. Sigh. We never have anything fun like that happen

to us. We have crappy jobs.

3. Maybe just pesky. We understand that sometimes animals out in the wild, doing their thing, can cause humans hardship. Except we’d love to be inconvenienced by an animal. Take beavers. We’d love to take a beaver. Apparently they cause trouble with irrigation canals sometimes flooding homes in the Washington state area. That does sound irksome, no matter how cute and fuzzy beavers are. That doesn’t mean we wouldn’t want to touch one. We have a problem with book with no picturestouching. This latest band of beavers are getting a reprieve. They’re calling them nuisance beavers and they’re relocating them to do their “pesky” work where it’s needed.

4. The Book With No Pictures. We’ve told you we love The Office. It’s so exquisitely uncomfortable. It’s genius, and one of the reasons it’s so brilliant is B.J. Novak. He was a writer, producer and actor on the show, playing Ryan the temp. Turns out, he’s also a writer of books. His latest is a children’s book called The Book With No Pictures. It’s a delightful mess of funny sentences and jokes the reader is forced to say aloud. It makes

Photo captured by Amy on iphone

Photo captured by Amy on iphone

us wish our kids were smaller and not busy reading on their own anymore.

5. Camping. As much as we don’t like camping, after all, it happens outside in the outdoors alfresco in the open air, Amy does love being with her family. It certainly makes for a blog or two and causes lots of texts about watching for bigfoot, injuries, and whining. Have fun Bright family, we miss you!

Amy’s Newest Tattoo – Camp Stamp

Amy left for camping this morning. She left late because it was raining here in the desert. A somewhat rare occurrence I assure you. But, since Amy was going to sleep in the woods, the sky opened up as if today was day-one of a forty day deluge. It seems apparent she has angered the gods.

Marshmallow on a Stick

Marshmallow on a Stick

Ava sent the following text to Amy’s Honey:

Dear Amy’s Husband,

Amy is too delicate to camp in these conditions. More importantly to you, she’ll whine. A lot. It would be best to drop her at the office on your way out and I’ll see that she gets home later.

Sincerely and just looking out for you,

Ava

Unbelievably, this did not result in Amy being excused from camping. Ava cannot understand this. If anyone offered to take Amy off of her hands when whining was a forgone conclusion she would let them.

Here’s a text from Amy mere hours into convening with nature:

“I already hurt my toe and pinched a finger.”

Nothing about Amylynn Bright says camping. Nothing.

I’m just saying, after all this work, I’d better not die

Even though it was pouring down rain, the Sisters went to the Barnes and Noble again today at lunch. It was the second day in a row because, dammit, we wanted our copy of Rules of a Proper Governess by Jennifer Ashley. We’re not afraid to be considered stalkers of a book store. Yesterday went badly. There wasn’t a single copy of the book to found on release day.

I was full of despair. I would have stayed up all night to read it. I’m like that with Jennifer’s books.

So today when I went I took Ava with me. I figured we’d tag team them.

We still couldn’t find a copy in the stacks, on the rounder, or in the new releases section.

Fortunately, the gentleman who helped us at the counter showed on the computer that 4 copies were in the store. Even with his help, we still couldn’t find any. I offered to put my glasses on if it would be more helpful. Another guy got involved.  Nothing like towing two hapless men around a store demanding romance books. We did all this like we usually invade a place: loudly, with much sarcasm, and like we’re channeling stand up comediennes. Imagine a blonde and a red-head version of Rodney Dangerfield and Henny Youngman.

Eventually, they both fled to the stockroom. They claimed they were going off to find our copy. Together. We were pretty sure they were just hiding back there. Or maybe drinking from flasks to boost their fortitude after dealing with the two of us.

Eventually they returned, a copy in tow.

They were the heroes who finally managed to find our book, but they had zero personality while doing it. They didn’t even have the wild-eyed hunted look our victims usually have. They sure as hell didn’t play along. We’re actually concerned that they’ll never find wives. We think it might behoove these gentlemen to read a romance novel or two. If they don’t want to start with one of mine, then we heartily recommend Jennifer’s collection.

We thanked them profusely and loudly and with much enthusiasm. Love was mentioned to make them even less comfortable than they already were. The truly sucky thing about this happily every after is that Ava demanded the book since I’m being forced to go camping this weekend. She’s afraid I’ll die in the woods and she’ll never get to read it.

 

Copyright © 2013. All Rights Reserved.