You might not think of the Sisters when you think “Great Hunter” but you should from now on. Ava was confronted by a giant-ass scorpion in her kitchen this morning. As soon as she saw it, she screeched, and we do mean SCREECHED for Ed to come save her but one of her kitties decided he needed to play with it. So, like any protective momma bear, she sprang into action and single-handedly killed the monster by throwing a wet-wipe over it and stumping it to death with her slippered foot. Nothing places her furry children in jeopardy. Here’s the funny the stuff we hunted out this week – all of it furry. You’re welcome.
1. Leonine sextuplets. The Sisters can get to Columbus, OH in just under five hours. That should give us plenty of time to bundle up two of the recently born lion cousins in the Columbus Zoo and get back in time before anyone really misses us. Two lioness sisters each had cubs a week apart – twins and quads. We don’t think anyone needs six lions. What the hell are they going to do with six of them? We consider our plan to be a charity move, really. Everyone will be happier. We’ll have two lions and they’ll have a much more manageable four. We’ve talked about it and we’re pretty sure we can raise a lion cub to love us. We think the trouble is with tigers – they seem a little iffy. Two newborn lions will be a piece of cake.
2. We’re also willing to adopt. The Sisters aren’t only about kidnapping and smuggling. We’re also more than willing to adopt. Mexican officials sent eight lions, two lynxes, a puma, and a coyote to a Colorado wildlife sanctuary. This was the second set of animals they moved to the states. Apparently they were all found mistreated or abandoned. The poor coyote was actually used in witchcraft ceremonies. Abusing animals is reprehensible. They should make a detour. We’re happy to let a lynx or two spend the rest of their life in leisure–laying on the sofas, eating tuna and shrimp. That poor coyote can hang with Winnie the Wonder Mutt and The Idiot Dog Roscoe–jumping on the trampoline and barking at the workmen next door.
3. Black and white happiness. Panda twins were born at the National Zoo. The momma panda, Mei Xiang, is letting the zoo keepers switch out the babies every couple of hours so she won’t exhaust herself and reject one of them. How nice, huh? Now we just have to figure out how we can be the people to “switch” out the babies. You’ve seen those baby pandas, right? They’re tiny, will fit right into a pocket. Also, black is slimming. We don’t know how that fits into the plan exactly, but we thought we’d include it because it’s true.
4. Bill Maher nailed it. follow the link to the video from his August 21st show and fast forward to 1:24. Bill suggests there should be a new rule: Red Pandas have to finally admit they’re really just plush toys because nothing can be this cute. He is so right. Totally and unequivocally correct. They’re the cutest damn thing to walk the planet. Look at that face. Just look at it! Oh dear. This sentiment should totally explain why Ava is no longer allowed in the Brooklyn Zoo. It’s a long story.
5. One small cautionary tale. Tail? A walking safari guide was eaten by a male lion in a national park in Zimbabwe. This happens to be the same park where that asshole dentist killed Cecil the Lion. It’s possible the lion was protecting his cubs–the guide brought the walking safari group towards a pack of six lions and there were some cubs. It’s also possible the lions had a meeting and they’re not putting up with any more human bullshit. We’ll keep this in mind when we work out our plans for #1 above. Prudence isn’t often a hallmark of Sister activity, but we want a long life with our new fuzzy babies and we’d like to do it with all their limbs.
We’ll keep you posted.