A new Simon’s Cat! Here’s what’s funny–Jojo Kitty is fine getting in his cat carrier. We’re pretty sure he thinks we’re just taking him places where his adoring fans can worship him in person.
Sometimes we don’t have anything good to say. Don’t get us wrong; we have plenty to say, it’s just that we suspect it isn’t very interesting. Or intelligent. Or funny. We can babble like nobody’s business. Not today however. Today the babble seems to have escaped us. Here’s some funny stuff. We hope. Good grief we don’t even know anymore.
1. Whose cow? Remember Chris the Sheep? He has a compatriot in New Hartford, NY. This time it’s a cow. No one knows who she belongs to, but she’s been roaming around the countryside for months now. She’s even been seen jogging down the road until she bolts off into the woods. A real lone wolf. She’s a rebel who will not be caged or caught. They’ve rigged up a plan to capture her but the Sisters are rooting for the cow. You go cow!
2. What was Plan B? A guy in New Hampshire didn’t want his car towed. It didn’t matter that he’d parked illegally. When he arrived back on the scene and saw his car hooked up to the tow truck he sorta lost his mind. His best course of action was to then set his car on fire. That seems appropriate. Sorta like that bullshit “If I can’t have you, no one will” crap. Of course the firemen showed up. And then inevitably the cops. Now he’s arrested and charged with arson and his car is burned AND impounded. Brilliant. There’s no word on why having it towed was so untenable. **eyeroll**
3. What was Plan C? This time it was a woman in Utah that made us say, “Wait, what?” She was angry at her boyfriend. Really angry apparently because she decided to burn down his house. With bacon. Really. She put a whole bunch of bacon on the stove and turned on all the gas burners. Oh, and by the way, her last name is Crispi. We couldn’t make that stuff up. By the time the cops showed up, the bacon was burnt and smoke was pouring out the front door. And Ms. Crispi was drunk. We suspect you’re as shocked by that revelation as we were.
4. Plan D isn’t much better. Let’s turn our attention towards Vermont for a bit, shall we? Here’s another fellow who didn’t really think things through. Kristopher Pregent didn’t like his job at a chocolate factory. First off – no one likes their job. Duh. Still – chocolate factory sounds…awful? So he decided the best course of action was to steal a co-workers cell phone and make a false bomb threat using a different co-worker’s name. Obviously he was fired. Calling in sick sounds a whole lot less…illegal. The whole incident should look outstanding on his resume. He might as well go get a face tattoo. Of a Hershey Kiss. Blahahahahahaha.
5. Where exactly is it? Meet Franchesca. She’s an Angora bunny. She’s also a record holder for the bunny with the longest hair and 14.37 inches. Honestly, we can’t see a bunny in here. We see a pile of hair. How can this thing even hop? Are there legs? Where are its ears? This picture confuses us. Don’t get us wrong. We’re happy to allow this animal to wander into our homes and take up long-term residence. We’re not sure we have the time to keep this hair under control. Perhaps braids are the answer. A corn rowed bunny. That would be pretty damn cute.
On Tuesday morning, I was hustling the kids out the front door for school. It was a great morning – no one was fighting, homework seemed to be present and accounted for, lunch boxes were in their back packs. Tuesday was totally working out.
I opened the door of my car and it looked like a hurricane had gone off in there.
Like an idiot, I stared at all the debris with my jaw hanging open. It confused me. Why would the console be open and everything I had tucked away in there be strewn all over the seats and floor?
I called My Honey. “Please tell me you rifled through my car before you headed off for work today.”
“No,” he said. “Why would I do that?”
“Because if you didn’t then someone broke into my car last night.”
Once I put it all together, it was obvious that is what happened.
In a chance in a million, I actually think Dave was unlocked. We’d been to the grocery store the night before. I think after the 75 million trips back and forth from the kitchen to the car, the alarm was never armed.
I know, right? God damn it. Well, at least it saved the window from being smashed.
They took the strangest things. A cup full of pens including 2 Tootsie Roll Pops and a pair of manicure nippers. I have absolutely no idea what they wanted with a cup full of pens, but I seriously lament the loss of the lollipops and the nippers.
Also, they took two envelopes of receipts and my checkbook.
When I called the banks to alert them to this pending disaster, the super nice lady at Wells Fargo said something really cute. “At the risk of sounding like your mother, dear,” she said, her tone gentle, “you shouldn’t leave your checkbook in your car.”
Sigh. I know. I was an idiot.
I have to go and close all my bank accounts and reopen them. It’s a nightmare.
I continue to be baffled by the cup of pens, though. Especially when they didn’t take any of the electronics. Not my
satellite radio or my Bluetooth devices. None of it.
Ava made me call the police in case there is any thing that comes from identity theft. From my office I contacted them via the non-emergency number. They told me to call when I got back home so they could collect the tools the thieves left in my car since I was so helpful as to leave Dave unlocked.
I called them again at 6pm and told them to come. At 7pm they called me and said the officers were busy at emergencies, but that they hadn’t forgotten about me. I was patient. After all, this was definitely NOT an emergency.
I called them again at 10:30 just to check in with them ’cause my understanding was running a bit thin after four hours. The dispatcher promised they would call my cell phone when they were en route so as to not ring my doorbell and wake up the entire house.
At 11pm I met a policeman on my front porch. He was approximately twelve years old. I wanted to ask him if his mother was cool with him being a cop. He was too young for such a dangerous job. I thought about offering him some chocolate milk while we wrote the report, but I thought he wouldn’t appreciate that. Was he even old enough to drive the cruiser?
My plan of not disturbing my household was completely ruined by the fact that my idiot bloodhound Rosco stood on the couch and stared out the window at me and the policemen and bayed for twenty solid minutes. The windows were vibrating from it.
The cop asked how it was possible we didn’t know Dave was being broken into with a dog like that. I informed him that my dog was useless when it came to things like guarding the house. Although one time he treed a stray cat on my floor lamp, but that’s not really helpful at 3 o’clock in the morning either. As far as dogs go, he’s not very good a dogging. I’d have had better luck if I chained the cat to the bumper and let him glare at the thieves.
All in all, I was too discombobulated to really appreciate National Coffee Day. That, my friends, may be the true tragedy to this story.
Well, and maybe the Tootsie Roll Pops.
We had to go to the craft store this weekend to get supplies for the boy’s social studies project. We took the opportunity to look at absolutely everything in the store. We can’t help ourselves, especially at Halloween. We LOVE Halloween.
They had pet costumes. I’ll bet you can see where this is going.
There was one I particularly liked–a shark for a small dog or a cat. Oh, I decided with my hands clasped to my chest, Jojo Kitty would look so cute as a shark. I was already humming the Jaws theme music as I carried the thing to the cashier.
“You’re never going to get that cat of yours into that costume,” My Honey said to me.
“Sure I will,” I noted with confidence. “That cat lets me do whatever I want to him.” It’s true. I scoop him up all the time and zerbert his belly and force him to be cuddled whether he wants to or not. Sometimes he’ll push my face away with a foot, but I don’t. He’s a cat. What other appointments could he possible have?
The instant we walked back in the door from our outing, Jojo was bundled up into my lap. Before he could get up a decent meow of protest I’d squished his head into the shark’s mouth.
Here’s where things started to turn.
Joe’s middle was too…broad for the straps to go underneath. And his back was too long for the dorsal fin to be in the right place. The shark’s tail hit him well before his own tail started.
The whole thing was too small. I often forget that my baby is quite a bit bigger than a Yorkie and a hell of a lot bigger than a Chihuahua. I’m so, so disappointed. I’m completely certain Joe is equally disappointed.
Just look at that face. Does it not spell disillusionment? No candy for you this year, Jojo Kitty.
I was pretty excited about the eclipse tonight. Looked forward to sharing it with my family because the last one came in the middle of the night and I watched it alone, in the bed of the pickup, with a cup of coffee.
This time I wanted them to see how cool it is.
So when I hopped off the couch at 6:20 and ran out to the front yard, Sassy followed me. It was just starting. I sent her back in to fetch her father and brother.
We all stood by the street and watched the moon rising and simultaneously disappearing while cars drove by and the drivers looked at us weird. Neighbors came in and out of their homes. Still we stood there.
Things were moving very slooooooowly. Seriously, slowly.
The Bandit called his sister fat so I made him go sit with his father. Someone complained about getting a sticker in their foot.
The Moon was just about half way covered when Sassy wanted to know when the cool stuff was going to start. I sighed.
“What happens with an eclipse again?” she asked. I briefly explained the science. She got back on Facebook.
By this time, the Moon was more than half covered. A bit of red tinge was appearing around the left side.
My Honey played on his phone while sitting on the tailgate of the truck. In all fairness, this whole thing was moving really slowly.
Finally the moon cleared the trees and we all climbed up on the tailgate to watch.
The Bandit sat too close to Sassy so they fought about that. Loudly.
My Honey farted.
Then Sassy was breathing too close to The Bandit, so they fought about that. Loudly.
“You’re ruining the eclipse for me,” I told them. More than 3/4 of the moon was dark.
Sassy threw The Bandit’s shoes into the street. Guess what they did. Yep. Loudly.
My children found that annoying. So they fought about it.
“Seriously, you’re ruining the eclipse for me,” I said again, but no one cared.
My Honey said that there was something he probably should tell us. “I’m going to become a werewolf after this.”
“Cool,” I noted, staring up at the sky. “I need a good excuse to call in for work tomorrow.”
I told him how the crazies out there were certain all of this was a harbinger of the apocalypse. Which, I might point out is also an excellent reason to call in sick for work.
We made it until the moon was completely covered. My children were unimpressed with the “blood” part of the eclipse. Then they fought about whether it was cool or not.
Next time I’m watching my amazing astronomical events by myself with a nice quiet cup of coffee.
So, how’s that First Day of Fall treating you? It’s supposed to be in the upper 90’s here today. With wind. That’s how we do autumn in the desert – hot wind. Yay. It doesn’t matter though. There’s still plenty of pumpkin spice flavored crap if you’re into that sort of thing. Honestly, the mystique of that flavor is lost on us. We don’t have a problem with pumpkin pie, but that’s really all we’re interested in. And maybe pumpkin cheese cake because, cheese cake. But we don’t need pumpkin spice flavored donuts or coffee or pizza. For Zeus’s sake. When will this trend peter out? Enough already. Of course the other way to know it’s fall is that there’s Christmas decorations up in the Hallmark stores. The craft stores have had that crap out now for three months. Rather sickening. Anyway, we’re going to drink our regular old five dollar latte. Whatever you chose to imbibe is your business. Get a cup of it and settle in. Here we go.
1. Puppies in purses! This card came in the mail to the Sisters and we immediately went on line to order two. We love the color! We love the styling! We’re over the moon about the silver hardware! We’re crazy about the triangle ears! What a steal at $595.00! Imagine the crushing disappointment when we discovered that, after ordering the purse online, no puppy was shipping with it. What the hell? Not such a bargain now, huh? We’d already named our puppies and everything. We were prepared to
buy little Coach collars for our babies – every little thing Coach offers for the stylish Yorkie. The Sisters have decided we’re suing Coach for false advertisement and pain and suffering.
2. Seriously, nothing better to do? A student from the University of Oregon, who just happens to be classically trained in the art of tuba playing, has made the Guinness Book of World’s Records. No, he didn’t play the tuba for seventy-two straight hours or anything spectacular like that. No, Sean Turner toted his tuba all the way up Mount Kilimanjaro. Once atop the highest peak in Africa, he played the school fight song, “Mighty Oregon”. All of this was documented by his university professor (who, it turns out, is also his father) whom he conned into coming along to film it. There is no further explanation in the story we read for why any
of this happened. We Googled it and a tuba weighs somewhere between 25 and 32 pounds. Okey dokey then. We hope he got free tuition.
3. Here kitty, kitty, kitty. We’ve talked about this handsome fellow before – here and here. It turns out the Fish and Game people are holding a contest to name him. They hope that by doing so it will encourage people to care more about him. You better believe, Fish and Game People, that the Sisters care plenty about this kitty. We have all kinds of suggestions for naming him. Back in April 2014 we suggested Carl. It’s got a nice man’s man ring to it. How about Arnold? Bernard seems like a dude that likes a nice cuddle. Weldon isn’t even too far off the beam. Mostly we’d like to call him ours. There’s all kinds of ruckus because his habitat is right where some people want to build a mine. We’re sure you can imagine how
that’s going. Anyway, we’re happy to let him hang out with us. We’ve already got experience owning a Jaguar. OK, it’s a car, but it’s still big and requires a lot of attention. Give us a call. Percy can move in any time. (We’re not sure about that last one. We were just trying it out.)
4. Wait a minute. What? We read the following story and had a immediate reaction. “A 24-year-old man has been charged with elder abuse after authorities say he punched a 78-year-old man over free Nutella waffle samples at a Los Angels-area Costco store.” Wait, just a damn minute. Are they saying there is such a thing as Nutella waffles? We’ll bet that was exactly what you were thinking too, because – HELLO! NUTELLA WAFFLES. The story continues like this: “…say he was hoarding samples of the waffles at the Burbank Costco on Sunday morning when the 78-year-old told him to take just one. Prosecutors say Derrick Gharabighi then punched the older man in the face.” Yikes. When they say “hoarding” how many is that exactly? Are we talking like five? Fifteen? Forty-seven? This is an important bit of information left out. Maybe what it comes down to is that Costco should train their people not to interfere with crazed people when it comes to Nutella waffles. You can pretend all you want that you’re civilized internet people, but you don’t know how you’d react when it comes down to it.
5. Meet Sheldon, Get it? This adorable little thing must have gotten lost and wandered into Ava’s driveway this week. He looked tired so Ava let him stay, and now he’s going to live there! You can only imagine how surprised Ava was to see him. She didn’t even know there were rogue Mini Coopers running around loose in the neighborhood. Here’s the exciting thing. The only people who know how to drive him are Ava’s husband, Ed, and Amylynn! Oooooh! So much excitement. Look, we just want him to feel welcome in his new house. We feel like that might be best demonstrated by finding out just how fast he can corner.
As you all know, the Sisters work together toiling away at a mortgage company. They have slightly different positions but today they were supposed to do the same thing. It was supposed to be a fun thing – but it never is. Once a year, the realtors in town have an Expo for continuing education classes. Part of the Expo includes a vendor area. So, being in mortgage, the Sisters are expected to attend this annual event. That wouldn’t be so bad except each year a “theme” is selected and all of the vendors have to show their spirit by decorating their booth and themselves to match.
This year’s theme was baseball or something to do with baseball – the Sisters hardly paid any attention. Well, they should have. (Amy here – actually the theme was movies. I paid attention because I was forced to). The next thing you know, they’re being asked to purchase WHITE skirts. WE saw you shudder – don’t pretend you didn’t. The only people who should be wearing white skirts are tennis players and golfers, and frankly, some of them shouldn’t do it either.
Amy again: I did most of the shopping for the white skirt while drunk. Actually that’s a lie. I only wish I was drunk. Mostly I cried by myself in dressing rooms. It was ugly. Amazingly enough I wasn’t alone, crying in the JC Penney dressing room. Isn’t that a sad, sad commentary?
The rest of the outfit consisted of a GREEN baseball shirt emblazoned with the company logo, green socks, a white and green baseball hat, a green belt, and VOILA! A League of Their Own! It was as dreadful as it sounds. Now, some people insisted it was “cute” but you know this was said by the folks who didn’t have to wear said get-up.
Turns out, Ava had a lot of fun this year. Fun making fun of Amy that is. Ava’s manager told her she couldn’t go because there was too much work to do in the office. Ava did not put up a fight.
Upon arriving at the office this morning, she found Amy in the parking lot looking simply darling in her “baseball” uniform. She immediately went to take a picture for this blog but Amy said some very bad words and threatened Ava’s life.
Luckily, a baseball bat was not a part of the costume!
We love Beaker and Bunsen Honeydew over at the Bright Compound. Honestly, this gives a whole new perspective to this song. I never really thought of it as sad, but Beaker has made me see the light
Oh. My. God. I am so irritated.
I got a ticket in the mail today from one of those blasted red light cameras.
Here’s the thing. I totally did it. I can’t complain. The picture taken of me as I skated through the intersection on the end of a yellow light clearly shows me at the wheel. It also looks like my mouth is in the middle of forming an epic, “Oh SHIT!” I’d also like to point out that I look like crap in the picture. Is it possible that I always look this bad? Cause I’m not depressed enough about getting a ticket and now I have to look at this photographic proof? There’s a link to a video. I don’t think my psyche can stand that.
The cost of the ticket is $337! Sweet Mother of Zeus! Can you believe that? I haven’t gotten a ticket in at least 15 years, and I knew the instant this one happened. Also, I’d like to point out that the tickets states I was traveling at 16 mph in a 40 zone. Shouldn’t I get brownie points for that?
Here’s the thing, though. They sent it to my maiden name, a name I haven’t had legally also in 15 years. Do I have to pay this ticket if they don’t even know my damn name? My driver’s license is in my legal name. What the hell?
OK – since this is not the reason I want to go to jail…
My options include Driver’s School – in person or online. I went to the website to see how much THAT was going to set me back and this is what I found on the list of Certified Driving Schools.
Sir Waldorf Bentley’s School for Naughty Drivers
Slow Your Pony
Comedy Traffic School
Easy Peasy Defensive Driving
Piece of Cake Traffic School
Super Fly Defensive Driving
Obviously I’m going to select the one that references dessert. This whole thing shouldn’t totally suck.