Happy almost birthday, America! If anyone believes in celebrating “almost” birthdays, it’s Amylynn. We’ve got so much going on right now, we don’t even know what to do with ourselves. Important family things are happening at Amylynn’s house, we’re trying to get packed for NYC (more on that below), we need to find a giveaway for the convention, there’s hostess presents, and massive hats to make. As usual we’re totally overwhelmed by all of this. The good news for you, dear Internet, is that the more overwhelmed we get the funnier we are. Here’s some good stuff.
1. Dress shopping. The Sisters had an argument over this Thing. It took a moment for us to come to an accord on it. Amylynn thinks dress shopping under these circumstances is a nightmare. Ava loves shopping under any conditions. We did a lot of it, too. There was shopping live where Ava could stand outside a dressing room and demand that Amylynn come out in various dresses wherein Amylynn would sob pathetically and refuse. Then we did on line shopping which is less painful but more stressful. You won’t know of days if something will fit or not. Nevertheless, it’s done. Shoes are next. Pray to whatever gods you think listen to you. We’re going to need all the help we can get.
2. Oh WHERE is my hairbrush! Amylynn stopped off at Starbucks the other day on the way to work and picked up lattes for the Sisters. While she was there a man came in covered with tattoos. One entire leg was done in an epic display of the characters from Veggie Tales. Before she could stop herself she started belting out the words to The Water Buffalo Song. Of course our new friend knew the words and he joined in. When she left the Starbucks the baristas were singing along, too. It was a hell of a way to start a Thursday.
3. Most absurd injury yet. In Santa Ana, California, a woman broke both her ankles while boating. Was she water skiing? No. Was she drunk on a cruise ship and fell down the stairs? Nope. Did a rogue wave tumble her over the side and she cracked her legs on the boat? Huh uh. Chrissie Frickman was taking a leisurely trip out on the water with her husband and children when they encountered a pod of dolphins. We’re certain that everyone on board thought this was a delightful and serendipitous event. How exciting, right? Yeah, until one of the dolphins jumped on the boat, knocked Ms. Frickman over, and landed on her legs. Eventually they muscled the animal back into the water. We’re very sure that the dolphin was just as started at Ms. Frickman. That’s Doug for you, the dolphins squeaked, Always showing off.
4. The insects are winning. There was an awful accident in Coeur D’Alene, Idaho. A tractor-trailer tipped over and spilled its load of bees. Yes, bees. It closed the interstate because the bees were swarming all over the area. The police advised people to stay away. They had to because people are remarkably stupid. Normally this wouldn’t have been a story worthy of the 5 Things, but this might be the start of a disturbing trend. Another truck wreck only two days before released more than 20 million bees in the eastern Idaho desert. First off, did you know they ship bees? We thought that was interesting, too. We guess trucks are better than hiring a Pied Piper guy to get the bees to follow him to the fields that require pollinating. Still, two wrecks of trucks full of bees – in the same area – within a week? Stay the hell out of Idaho is all we’re saying. Something weird is going on over there.
5. Going to the movies at work. Our group went on a team building event this week. We all left work at 2:30 and went to see a movie – Jurassic World. Amylynn had seen it already, but Ava hadn’t. Neither had our friends who sat next to us. It was almost as much fun watching them watch the movie as it was watching it for the first time. The Sisters would like to put it out there that we believe in messing around with nature if it would get us a tiny triceratops we could saddle up and ride. After the movie was over, Ava looked at Amylynn in astonishment. She pointed to Chris Pratt on the screen and said, “After all of that, we don’t even get one tear in his shirt? What the hell kind of fabric is that made from?” We agree. When we’re in charge of Hollywood there will be more shots of men with no shirts than women with no shirts. For Zeus’s sake we can see all the boobs we want.