“We told you once before that we’d watched the worst movie in the history of cinematography. That had been a bold-faced lie. LIE.
Ava made us watch Alexander (2004) because Jared Leto is in it.
We beg you to save yourselves two hours and forty-five minutes of torture and don’t watch it. You think, “So many outstanding actors are in it, how bad could it be?” Let us give you a few ideas of exactly how bad it is.
All the togas are WAY too short. WAY TOO SHORT. We think they must have gotten an amazing deal on white sheets from Sears. There are several instances where we’re certain the costume people stole the bathrobes from the local Hilton. And at one time Alexander is wearing a sheer peignoir. We swear to Zeus.
“How is the hair?” you ask. ABYSMAL. Who exactly thought Colin Ferrell would look good as a blond? He doesn’t. (Ava here – Jared’s hair looks
amazing because it’s his.)
Also, the blood used in the fight scenes looks like they stole the ketchup from Craft services. And there is some bizarre yellow substance that might have been mustard. Who knows? We surely don’t.
We can’t explain why approximately 24% of the cast had one eye. Seriously, we’re not making that up. Lest you think the costume people weren’t on top of their shit – one scene contains a drawn on eyeball on a blind man.
Every single actor in it has outstanding eyeliner. Especially, Jared.
We never could understand what accent they were using. It seemed to alter from scene to scene. Angelina Jolie starts out with an Italian accent and at some point it morphs into Russian.
Oliver Stone was apparently on hallucinatory drugs when he conceived of this. We think all of the famous actors signed on because of the other famous actors who signed on. Anyway, that what we assume Christopher Plummer was thinking. Then they spent the remainder of their time together drunk.
The gorgeous horse committed suicide by spear just to get out of the damn thing. We would have too.
Ava here – Jared dies at the end. It’s a horrible death scene but Jared still looks good anyway. I stopped watching at this point because what was the point after that? Amylynn here – it IS a horrible death scene and Jared does NOT look good in it. They made him die with his eyes open with horrific makeup. A travesty.
The disc informed us that at 2 hours and 47 minutes it was shorter than the theatrical version. WHAT THE HELL DID THEY TAKE OUT? What was so much worse that the director was embarrassed to include it? Oliver Stone needs a slap.