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May 22

5-things12We’re sitting here on the cusp of a long weekend. It’s a nice place to be sitting. Not quite as nice as sitting by the dock of the bay, but it has some potential. Probably also less mosquitos. We’re hoping there is a bit of Mad Max in there somewhere, too. Don’t you think every weekend would be immeasurably better with more Tom Hardy and less mosquitos? Also with more days. We could really get to like these 3 days weekends. Also, think of all the sleep Amylynn could catch up on. It makes her shiver with excitement. The following things may not make you shiver with excitement, hell, we don’t know what you do when you read this blog. We’re mostly just writing our stream on consciousness and if you can follow it then you’re as crazy as we are. Back 300to the shivering. If you don’t shiver, you should at least be amused. Let’s give it a try, shall we?

1. We’ve seen 300 at least 300 times. We’re not really public transportation people. That is largely due to the fact that we live in the West and out here EVERYONE has a car. Also, its way too hot to be sitting at bus stops. That’s a scientific fact. We can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, if there was any possibility that we’d witness what Londoners did this past week, we’d be riding the bus a hell of a lot more. Passengers on the London subway this week witness a flash mob of hunky men dressed as streetcarSpartans board the train. We have no idea what they were doing there or what their goal was, but who cares? We’re booking ourselves tickets to London.

2. Speaking of public transportation… Our town now has a street car. We don’t know why. We do not desire it. That had to be said. We think it’s stupid, but we’ve already told you that we’re not public transportation aficionados. We may not be the ideal people to pass judgment. Anyway, we have a streetcar. We speculated that nine people would ride it. Turns out that the one millionth rider boarded the thing

Don't be fooled. It's just waiting to pee on everything you own

Don’t be fooled. It’s just waiting to pee on everything you own

this week. She was a college kid who lived down there – probably a perfect example of the target audience – and was quite surprised when the mayor and other officials handed her balloons, a t-shirt, a year pass, and a bunch of other stuff. We bet she’d rather have a car.

3. Preposterous Pets. We have regaled you with our deep and abiding desires when it comes to animals we NEED. It turns out we can scratch anteaters off our list. Ava was watching a program that spotlights Preposterous pets. She tuned in thinking it might be a how to show. You know like How To Convince your Spouse you NEED a Quoka. Turns out

We're naming her Penelope

We’re naming her Penelope

no. It was a cautionary tale about how an anteater will ruin your life. It was an eye opener for sure. Did you know they sleep in washing machines? That’s just weird. Too weird. We like our clothes clean and anteater poop free.

4. Speaking of poop… Did you know that wombats have cube shaped poop? Us neither! That seems like something we should know. We looked up on the internet why and didn’t get a satisfactory answer. We’re going with magical. Guess what. We’re bumping wombats up on our list of animals we need. It’s really a shame they live in Australia because Amylynn’s not going there. Not after she saw the spider situation over there. Oh hell no. Eventually we figure well just order one on Amazon. avengersAmazon sells EVERYTHING.

5. Baseball games that go on forever. Our work got us all tickets to the Diamondbacks game tonight. They even rented a bus to drive everyone the two hours up there and back. Ava didn’t go. She turned up her nose, but Amylynn took her whole family, but we drove ourselves. It was a great game that never seemed to end. In fact, we finally left at the bottom of the twelfth inning because the kids were falling asleep. We walked all the way to the car and then were almost half way home before our boys finally won in the bottom of the thirteenth.  It was super hero night so there were actors in costume everywhere. The Avengers were there with Batman and The Flash. Even Spiderman hung out with Wonder Woman. It was fun. Really. We had an outstanding time.

Enough said

The good news is our eyes smell fabulous!

I am not impressed with my eyelashes. Not at all. I have the standard girl complaint. They’re too short. Stubby actually. Ava’s not impressed with hers either.

Grandpa used to complain that his eyelashes were too long, so long in fact that he couldn’t wear sunglasses. Imagineloreal_double_extend the look he was given.

We’ve tried every mascara in the world. They’re mostly full of promises that don’t deliver. We’ve settled on Double Extend by L’Oreal. It does a decent job and washes off beautifully without flaking. Still, we try every new kind that comes out.

That doesn’t mean we don’t still want glorious lashes without the aid of makeup.

LatisseWe used Latisse. It was one of the few miracle cures that actually works. Our lashes were gloriously long and plump, but who can afford to keep up that regimen? It’s really expensive. Hey – Latisse people. We’d be happy to accept a supply of Latisse in exchange for constantly telling our extensive internet audience about the glories of your product. Call us!

So, I’ve been hearing about how lavender can do the same thing. Sorta. Naturally. We read about it on line and we’ve seen some pictures of dubious merit, but we’re willing to try.

I bought some lavender essential oil and two new tubes of the L’Oreal mascara mentioned above and dropped one drop of oil in each. Ava’s willing to give it a try, but she noted with a wry hint of pessimism, “I’m sure one of us will be allergic to it.”

Obviously, we’ll keep you posted. Either we’ll be blind or heroically lashed.

He was hoping for an Indiana Jones type booby trap

Sassy had her birthday this past weekend. After her party a few of her girlfriends came home with us to spend the night. Four of them to be exact. My Honey promptly fled the house because he’s a coward.

I want to say up front that five twelve-year-old girls make a hell of a lot less noise than three ten-year-old boys. Seriously. The boys run up and down the halls, screaming and shooting Nerf guns, then get into a fight before become best friends again five minutes later. Repeat as necessary. The girls on the other hand disappear into a bedroom and are never seen from again unless it’s to troop off to the bathroom in teams of two or to sidle out to the kitchen to squirrel food away in the bedroom. Every once in a while you’ll hear a squeal or a rapid burst of giggles, but it’s nothing compared to the nonstop screeching that went on with the boys for eight hours before they collapsed in a stinky, sweaty heap.

Also, as implied, the girls smell considerably better.

Also, the mess made by the boys was evident in every single room in my house. The girls’ mess was localized in her bedroom. Granted, it looked like a Justice store collided with a mall food court and they exploded — clothes and chip bags and soda cans e v e r y w h e r e — but the living room and kitchen were untouched.

Once the girls were in Sassy’s room with the door barricaded, the Bandit took this as a challenge. He spent the first Indiana Jonesthree hours trying to perfect booby traps over her bedroom door.

“I need your help,” he told me.

I shook my head. “I can’t help you. All I can do is turn a blind eye. You have to figure out ways to torture your sister and her friends by yourself.”

He was met with frustration. Primarily this seemed to center around Jojo Kitty sabotaging the traps before the girls could be lured out to set them off.

“Make your cat stop it at least,” the Bandit begged.

“Honey, think this through,” I said. “Your primary material is string. The cat is required to kill the string. That’s just evolution. Must. Kill. String.”

I’m not sure what cartoons my kid is watching in the mornings but he kept yelling, “Curses!” and “Foiled again” when Jojo released another fine trap.

Ultimately my boy gave up and we watched Guardians of the Galaxy.

It was pretty much a perfect night.

Laundry – makes me wanna cry

You know what, I’m sick of doing laundry. It never freaking ends. Literally, I’ll put the last load in the dryer and I’ll walk down the hall and find a full damn laundry basket.

It’s depressing.

And demoralizing.

I am the Sisyphus of laundry.

gotta pee

May 15

5-things12Today, Amy was asked to go to a clients office and pick up some paperwork so said client wouldn’t have to fax a bazillian pages over. Ava knew exactly which client it was and said, “You’re not going.” Said client is an infectious disease doctor. INFECTIOUS. The name says it all. What fool would go over there and risk an infectious disease for some paperwork? That fool would be Amy. An argument ensued. Amy won but not without promising to, “not touch a god damn thing over there, refuse to shake anyone’s hand, and don’t look anyone in the pink eye.” When she returned, Ava doused her in hand sanitizer which amused the hell out of their co-workers. While Amy’s in eyeglassesquarantine, you be amused by the following:

1. Dr. Zucker. The world’s best eye doctor lives right here in the desert. He’s left handed just like Ava and the boy who lives at her house and he’s smart and funny. You will never be so well entertained by any doctor ever after you meet him. He does have one flaw – he’s in his fifties and he has a 17 month old and a 3 month old. No, not puppies. Babies. Ava keeps asking him if he’s nuts. She keeps pointing to the boy and saying, “This

Yeah, that looks exactly like Phil. Shoot it.

Yeah, that looks exactly like Phil. Shoot it.

is what they turn into. Are you nuts?” Nuts he might be, but he’s still the best eye doctor ever.  Go over to Accent on Vision if you can and become a patient.  Instead of retiring to Miami he’s going to need to send those babies to college.

2. Turkey sandwiches are good, but really? We don’t know what is going on lately, but you couldn’t pay us any amount of money to go turkey hunting. We counted exactly three incidents in the last several weeks of one person mistaking another for a turkey and shooting the first one. In one of the incidents – this one in Maine – a wife shot her husband – in the face! The police man who reported to the scene was reported as saying, “We don’t really know for sure what she was shooting at. Obviously, she didn’t want to shoot her husband.” We don’t think that’s obvious at all! You don’t know what the hell was going on it that car on the way out there. In fact, she mightChickfilA-ChicknMinis have even said, “When we get there, I’m shooting you in the face.” The good news is that his injuries were not life threatening. He should consider himself warned.

3. Mmmmm, breakfast. You probably have never considered chicken for breakfast. We certainly hadn’t. But then we were schooled. Behold the Chicken Minis. These yummy bites come from Chick Fil A. It’s a real chicken nugget in between wee fluffy biscuits and spread with honey. We know! And we assure you they taste as glorious as they sound. If you think you’ll just eat one or two, you’re wrong. They’re so yummy you’ll need seven of them. Or bearso. We’re not saying we ate seven of them, but we are saying you shouldn’t feel bad about yourself if you do.

4. Obviously alcohol was involved. The police in Massachusetts are urging their citizens not to get drunk and chase wild bears with a dull hatchet through the woods. Yes, they actually had to say that out loud. That’s disturbing enough when you contemplate that these warnings always come about because someone has already done it. The police arrested a man doing just that. “We’re still trying to figure out what his end game was,” the North Adams police stated. They suggest – and reasonably so – that if you see a bear you should leave it alone. This is excellent advice. And in the best case of police reporting EVER, they ask you to consider the following: “We certainly don’t need anyone going all Davy Crockett chasing it bb-kingthrough the woods drunk with a dull hatchet.” Hmmm. We don’t know. Maybe we do. Anyone who does that probably deserves what they get.

5. BB King. King of the Blues World Wide. The Sisters have seen BB King live many times. We’re big fans and we’re saddened to see the news today of his passing. He’s not been well for a long time. In fact, the last time we saw him he seemed much slower and diminished than he ever had before. Farewell, Mr. King. You were a joy

Maybe I should have saved some of that Valium for him

My Honey came in from the front yard tonight limping.

I gave him a look. “What’s wrong with you?”

“I stepped on a stick in the front yard.”

I followed him to the bedroom while he drug his hind leg down the hall like some ham actor playing Shakespeare’s King Richard.

He flung himself on the bed and stuck his foot in my direction. “Is there a hole there?”

I looked at his enormous foot. There was a largish black circle in the pad. “Yep. Want me to see if there’s a sticker in it?”

“Yeah,” he whined. I pinched the skin and he screamed like a girl. I’d like to mention that my husband is a big man. Tall, broad, big. The scream was especially high pitched.

“Yep, there’s something in there.” I left the room to fetch the tweezers, a needle, and a tourniquet. He looked at me like a caged dog when I came back with my instruments of torture. “Do you want to try it first?”

He nodded and I relinquished the tools. He touched his foot with the needle then flung himself backwards on the bed. “OH MY GOD!! It hurts.” He panted a few minutes while I giggled. “Go find me a flashlight woman.”

“How about your glasses?” It is with a great deal of glee that I took him to his first eye doctor appointment a couple of weeks ago and he learned he required glasses. As a long time wearer of glasses I was thrilled to see this proof of him growing older right along with me.

He glared at me. “Yes, my glasses and a flashlight.”

I shone the light, and he poked gingerly at his foot. “Oh my God, I think it’s in the bone.”

“Give me the stupid needle.”

He flopped down on his stomach on the bed. “Wait, I’m going to need a leather strap to bite down on.”

I know where my daughter gets her drama over aches and pains.

“Okay,” I said, “Which foot is it again?”

“The one with the tree sticking out of it,” he told me like I was the crazy person.

Eventually I got most of it out. “We’ll have to wait and take another look at it tomorrow,” I told him.

“Put some medicine on it,” he begged.

“You’ll get it all over the sheets,” I protested.

“Okay – let’s just wait until I get gangrene all over the sheets instead.”

Eye roll.


Sadly, I have none of this on video

Sassy needed to have an MRI. I cringed at this. Last year her doctor wanted her to have one and it did NOT end well. One look at the MRI machine and, I think it’s fair to say, Sassy lost her shit. No matter what I told her – that nothing would touch her, it didn’t hurt, that I’d stay with her – would convince her to get into that machine. The doc let it go and we worked with her x-rays.

But, when things progressed rapidly over the last six months, the doctor insisted. The MRI had to happen. Sassy heard that and, once again, lost her shit. The doctor prescribed a sedative and I, for one, felt better about it.

She was with her grandmother when it was time to take her one tiny Valium.

“Oh my God,” Grandma told me when I picked Sassy up. “First we put it in applesauce. No go. Then she tried to just swallow it, but that didn’t work. Finally we managed by putting it in peanut butter and she chewed it up. I was about ready to hold her down on the floor like a dog and throw it into the back of her throat.”

“Did you try to hide it in a hotdog?” I asked, laughing. Sassy will NOT take a pill, even when it’s in her best interest.

By the time I picked her up she was getting a bit loopy. It doesn’t take much to get a skinny little 12-year-old with zero tolerance high as a kite. We swung by to get her daddy. When he hopped in the car, I said, “You’re daughter’s wasted.”

She giggled. She did a lot of that. And really loud whispering like drunks do because they think they’re being discreet.

At the imaging place I had to deal with a bunch of insurance crap (I hate insurance!), and I was really glad that My Honey was with me to babysit her. She kept thinking she could wander off and, if he hadn’t been there to watch her, it would have been a nightmare. The whole waiting room was amused by her antics as it was apparent she was wiped out on something.

“I’m going over there,” she announced with an exaggerated arm gesture.

“No,” My Honey said. “Just sit here and chill.”

“I got a pill for that!” she announced. “It’s ok, though, cause it’s prescription.”silly walk

There was a momentary freak out when she saw the machine again, but I managed to get her in to it this time. When she emerged 15 minutes later she stage whispered, “I felt like Superman!” And then she giggled.

She also kept seeing imaginary kitties all over the place. “Hey,” she’d exclaim. “I just saw a kitty over there. Here kitty, kitty, kitty.” And then she’d try to do that silly walk from Monty Python down the hall, all while giggling furiously.

Also, we had a pretty good discussion about Mount Rushmore of all random things.

When I dropped her and My Honey off at home, she slithered out of the car and  waved her arm wildly. “Happy 4th of July!”

When it was all over and she started to come down, she called me when I was back at work. “It’s wearing off. Now I can’t remember anything. I sorta remember something about peanut butter.”

“Oh honey,” I told her. “Don’t worry. Your father and I remember all of it.”

And it’s sure to makes its way into the wedding toasts some day.

I’m gonna start looking on Amazon for kitty corsets.

First – this is NOT Bank of No Forks.

We are merely attracted to this short by the fact that the star is a very fat orange cat. We have an orange cat who is heading rapidly in this direction. If Jojo Kitty was allowed outside, and he did this via a cat door, this movie could be a harbinger of his fate.

Our latest recommendation

Are you people watching Penny Dreadful on Showtime? It is completely and utterly bizarre and the Sisters love it. The name Penny Dreadful comes from the Victorian Era in England when serial stories were published weekly to be bought for a penny. Many of the stories were sensational by nature, and they were wildly popular.

The television show also takes place in Victorian England and includes vampires, demons, the devil, possession, Dr. Frankenstein, Dorian Gray, werewolves, witches, and American sharpshooters. Honest to Zeus, if they think of something bizarre we’re certain they’ll show up in the stories given enough time.

It’s outrageous, scary, and absolutely over the top. The final scenes of tonight’s episode were crazily unsettling. We recommend watching with a blanket to hide behind.

You owe it to yourself to check it out – if you like this sort of thing.

The actor who plays Frankenstein’s Monster will break your heart. And Art Carney’s grandson plays Dorian Gray. Who’d have ever thought anything so pretty could have come from Art Carney’s loins – no matter how far removed – is a wonder. And we don’t remember Josh Hartnet being quite so riveting. Also, where the hell has Timothy Dalton been all this time? He’s still very handsome.

Anyway, we’re only in season 2 so you can still catch up.

penny dreadful

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