It dawned on me the other day that I should stop complaining about the “Bank of No Forks” and find some other type of gainful employment. I made a list of things I’m good at:
Complaining, cleaning/laundry, mortgage underwriting, handmade jewelry, taking care of small animals, scaring ghosts off – not a complete list but a start . . .
Complaining would be great but I can’t find anyone who pays for that, there’s not enough money on the planet for me to clean or do the laundry of someone I’m not married to or didn’t birth, mortgage underwriting doesn’t pay enough to support me anymore and jewelry making never did, I didn’t go to school to be a vet so the small animal thing is out – that leaves me with scaring off ghosts. I ran that by Amylynn since she’ll be going with me. She was a wee bit skeptical at first – “You need to revisit that list or make a new one, crazy sister.”
I convinced her with my Craig’s List Ad:
Have an unwanted ghost at your house? Hire us, Ava Louis and Amylynn Bright, to rid your home of all disembodied spirits of dead persons. Excellent track record of scaring all types of ghosts from ever bothering you again. Don’t spend another minute afraid in your own domicile. $1000.00 per removal plus travel expenses if needed. Full money back guarantee if not fully satisfied.
“Well, you do have that ability, it’s like a superpower.” Amylynn grudgedly admitted.
Indeed it is. I have never been to any purported haunted place in my life and seen a ghostly anything. Not once, ever. I’ve had the curators of haunted museums apologize for the lack of ghostly activity while I was there. I’ve eaten delicious homemade nut rolls in the kitchen of a haunted house where bread was supposed to fly everyday at 4:00PM off the top of the fridge and nothin’.
I’ve actually been blamed for making ghosts disappear – as if I’m the frightening one! Okay, well maybe I’m frightening to the living but certainly NOT to ghosts!
I think I’ve found our new career . . .
Tell us what great super power you have – don’t be shy, we can hardly wait to hear about your talents!
Just So You Know . . . this morning when we left the house we thought we were in control of our sh*t but it really turns out we should never have left the house.
Just So You Know…anytime the opportunity arises to get coffee, get it – you never know what hell is right around the corner.
May is our third anniversary. We’ve published 1,273 posts, not counting this one.
Ava and I are often certain the only people we write this for is ourselves, various family members and one or two fans we’ve picked up along the way.
We treasure you fans like nobody’s business.
We have no intention of closing down, but we’ve spent the last several months intensively learning everything we can about blogging and growing an audience. This weekend we met Kristen Lamb and, honest to God, angels wept. We think she might have all the answers.
Prepare yourselves, faithful readers, for some changes. First thing up, is a complete retooling of this site. When we designed it three years ago, we had no idea what we were doing. With our new education, we have lots of ideas. We think you’ll like the new look. We’ll keep you posted.
Also, the content will be undergoing some changes. Never fear, it’s still us and we seriously doubt the irreverence will be minimized in any way. There’ll still be the absurd stories and shenanigans and such you tune in for, just MORE interactive opportunities. Hang in there with us while we experiment. We’re certain you’ll be happy you did.
We’re really, really excited.
What big changes have you made lately? Did they work out? Was it worse? Did the heavens open up and send you buckets of happiness? Or did we get that much closer to the zombie apocalypse? If you had a genie bottle and could make any wish in the world, what would it be?
Well, well, well. Here we are. Imagine us bobbing our heads. The Sisters talk, a lot. Anytime none of us has anything to say, it’s sort of monumental. We all might be brain dead after the week we’ve had. We did notice that our five things are heavy on the animals and light on the desserts. That calls for a run to the bakery. Check out these five things, we’ll be right back.
- Starbucks at Disneyland. The Mouse and the purveyor of glorious caffeine beans have inked a deal. If there was one thing Disneyland needed it was non-fat frappuccinos and venti lattes with a double shot. Can you imagine Splash Mountain with all those singing animals and manic music! Or Fantasy Land where all the rides are lit with black light? Who needs hallucinogenics? Yea! Starbucks! Everyone has the first place they always head the minute they get in the front gate. For Amylynn, it’s always Pirates of the Caribbean and it always has been. For Ava it’s the Matterhorn. Kelli has not been properly indoctrinated with Disney but now that there’s a Starbucks we’ll bet we can lure her in. M.I.C.K.E.Y.M.O.U.S.E.
- Normal hairdressers. After suffering through an undeniably crazy hair person, we were delighted to find a normal one. One who hasn’t had every single disease known to man, doesn’t have wonky self body images, and doesn’t look like she was brutally attacked by a box of Crayolas. She did good hair, but a gal really has to draw the line. Our new girl? LOVELY! The Sisters are always wondering why we’re surrounded by so many crazies so every normal person thrills us beyond belief. And she does great hair. Bliss.
- Jojo. The Wonder Kitty. The cutest damn thing in orange stripes. We’ve fallen madly in love. So in love in fact, that Amylynn brings him to the Bank of No Forks every day. Honestly, when you’ve been tortured by your employer beyond all reason, nothing makes it all better faster than kissing the fuzzy, polka dotted belly of a warm kitty. He’s the perfect office pet we’ve been looking for and all the Aunties in the office adore him. You should get yourself one. Not ours, of course. Find another fuzzy little friend.
- Woolly mammoths.They’re cloning them. We want one. A wee woolly mammoth
we’d name Walter or, if it’s a girl, Beatrice. Now some might say that it is unwise to clone an animal so much bigger than your average scientist. We don’t have a problem with it. You see, the Sisters are firmly convinced no matter what animal we’re given, we’d ruin it by loving and cuddling and snuggling it into submission. A panther? No problem. Name it Farley and kiss its tummy. All will be well. We’re not even worried about the woolly mammoth shedding, which we’re assuming it will. It’s right there in the name. We’ve preordered the Louis Vuitton Mammoth Carrier to go with the rest of our luggage.
- Puppies running amok. Apparently a Rhodesian Ridgeback named Byrdie got loose from its carrier this week and escaped the plane she was supposed to be on. She gave the airport personnel a merry run for their money, basically shutting down La Guardia Airport by running all over the runways and sitting defiantly in front of the jets. They finally had to get the owner off the plane to corral her dog. That wouldn’t have worked with the dogs at our houses. No one ever listens to us regardless how many legs they have.
Just So You Know . . . we’ve been pretending it’s 5 o’clock since about noon – we hope you were too.
It’s an animated steampunk duel!
So cute. Watch all the way to the end. I love it.